Parents Mean Girls

[Natasha]

By stating that most kids in public schools are mean, you are telling us on this forum that most of our kids are mean. The majority of people here have kids in school, and if according to you most of that majority have mean kids then you have just told over half of us that you think our kids are mean....and you haven't even met our kids!
As far as bullying...sometime bullying is happening but other times it is a child mis-reading social cues. For instance, I hear with girls all the time (especially pre-teen age group) "Suzy was giving me mean looks." It may very well be that Suzy was giving mean looks or it could just be that Suzy was grimacing while she was doing conditioning and that Sally was in her line of sight. Teaching our children to process through the things that others do/say and to not jump to conclusions about that person's motives or intent is a very important conflict resolution skill. There is a girl at our gym whose mother will tell you is "picked on"- at gym, at school, at her previous gym, at the gym before that.....at some point you have to figure out what is going on with this kid that everyone in every setting is "picking" on her.
Now, don't get me wrong- bullying is unacceptable and needs to be dealt with but we have to be careful as parents to determine what role our own kids are playing in it as well.

 

[Fliptwisttumble]

My child has gone to both private and public schools. Neither differed in terms of its share of "mean kids". Fortunately for DD, both that she encountered was rather small in proportions.

Your generalization would be likened to me saying all homeschooled children grow up in a bubble without the ability to socialize with regularly schooled children in typical situations. Neither are fair, nor accurate or helpful. Please treat others how you would like to be treated - it seems you are teaching that to your child but you appear to have forgotten it yourself WRT chalkbucket users.

 

[cbifoja]

A tale of 3 children:

Child #1: Popular, handsome football player. Build like a brickhouse. Over 6 feet tall, could be physically intimidating, could be a jerk given how handsome and popular he is. Chooses to help special ed kids and lordy, you had BETTER not pick on someone weaker than you because that boy will protect the weak. Oh, by the way...he attends public school. I taught him last year. In a public school.

Child #2: Excited about going to homecoming! A cute boy asked her out!! She bought a beautiful dress that cost a couple of hundred dollars. Then she found out that her friend also got asked to homecoming but can't afford a new dress. So #2 approaches her mother and asks if she can return her new dress, buy a less expensive one and use the difference to help her friend get a new dress. This child is a child of one of my best friends. Believe it or not, she is also a public school kid.

Child #3: Used to being the center of attention and continues to demand all adult attention. Believes she should be invited into every conversation. Tells people that she doesn't like to get out of her house. Is no longer invited to play dates because she won't share or take turns. This child is my niece. Care to take a guess about her educational status??? That's right, she's homeschooled.

Now how would you feel if I came on here and started bashing all....oh, sorry....MOST homeschooled kids as self-centered and bratty? Because I assure you, my niece is. She has never had to share with another child or take turns because she is an only child and she is being homeschooled so she doesn't even learn that lesson at school.

Yes, you are entitled to your opinion, but I'll be honest, I really hope you aren't consciously passing on your unfair assumptions on to your child.

 

[cbifoja]

I also want to say that my daughter's training group has kids from public, private, and home school. Yet, when she was being picked on during the beam handstand contest....not even the homeschooled kids would cheer her on. So yeah.....not all homeschool kids are as angelic as their parents hope.

 

[Deleted member D3987]

i don't care where you are, or what academic environment the child is in, kids are mean all over. and especially middle school age.

 

[Midwestmommy]

Well MOST gymnasts....
Public Schooled
Homeschooled
Otherschooled
Short
Tall
Thin
Stout
Graceful Ones
High flying ones
Good swingy types
Good tumbly types
Good dancy types
The one just of of diapers who wore her pink dance leo
The optionals doing things that make me gasp

Heck MOST of them I think are great. Chalk eating, water bottle hugging, crusty hand and footed little buggers. Watching them is highly entertaining.

How's that for a stereotype.

 

[2G1B]

Not a comment on the home school vs public school debate; but to spin off on another comment in this post...

I definitely think that we as parents need to be sure that we are paying attention and "owning up to" anything that our kids might be doing to make situations worse.

For me, I have 2 things that have made me really think about the "mean kid" situations. 1) My older DD is an extremely, extremely sweet girl. But... she also loves her books. We started at a new gym over the summer. She wasn't thrilled about leaving her friends from the old gym. When we started the new one, most of the friendships had long been established as these kids had been together for a few years. My DD had a hard time fitting in. But some of that was her own fault. I do think that at first there was a bit of leaving her out going on. But after a few months the other girls saw that she is "here to stay" and started reaching out. But on two different occasions I have seen some of her team mates come up to her (before practice started) and say "hello" and seem to want to hang out some and my DD has been reading a book. She would look up, say, "oh hey" then go right back to reading. Those girls were then left to stand there for a second, then figure out that DD is not as excited to see them, so they turn and leave. At that point I had to talk to my DD about how it is great that she loves to read; but that if she wants to make friends then she has to be polite and show an interest when they extend an invitation to being friends.

My second observation is with one of DS's team mates (one of the ones I mentioned in a previous post). This is the youngest kid on the team/level. My DS is the second youngest on the team/level. The ages on this team range from 7 - 11 years old. I have personally witnessed this kid going up to a parent after practice and telling that mom, "your son was mean to me today and kept picking on me." I then watched the little kid smile as the other kid walked out of the gym, getting fussed at by his mom. Same little kid went to the coaches and said that ALL of the other boys were picking on him. All of them got called into the head coach's office and really fussed at. My DS didn't know WHAT was going on since he had only been on the team for like 2 weeks at that point. My DS had tried to be friends with this kid; but quickly came home and said the kid was mean and "a brat". After the kid got my son in trouble like that you can bet my son wasn't his biggest fan (and I really do believe that my son wasn't picking - I'm one of the moms who stays for most practices due to the distance). As the summer goes on, and we get into the school year I start to see that nearly anything that the older boys say to this younger kid is well deserved. Because he IS a brat. he tells my son (and the rest of the team) that my son has no business being on that level, that at best he should be one level down. He constantly tells all of the boys that he can do X skill so much better than them. (The kid is amazing on floor; but in reality he only had an AA score higher than my DS once last year and that was the meet where my son had an undiagnosed broken ankle.) This same kid had said mean stuff to his team mates about their parents (like telling one kid that his mom "is such a know it all who is wrong about everything"). So... to hear this kid tell it, everyone on team is mean to him because he is little (and better). In reality, he has been such a brat that his team mates are fed up with him.

For me, when ever my kids start telling me about the mean kids I try really hard to listen and make sure that my kids aren't doing something to either cause the behavior or make it worse. Sometimes there is blame to be shared.

 

[wallflower]

Dunno you could not be more dead on about the BULLY being the first one to go tattle when the child being bullied actually stands up for themselves.

My DD is dealing with this exact situation. It has been going on for months. I have kept my mouth shut and just tried to help my DD deal. There is one girl in particular who is the ring leader of sorts, but they all gang up on her. They are 12-15, she is 8. It's very unfortunate. They say mean things to her, they cut in front of her in line, don't let her have turns, nobody will be her partner for conditioning, they take her things, tell he she's stupid, etc. It's a lot of little stuff that just adds up. It has been 4 girls and then her. That is her group and she is the odd person out.

So I have been dealing with this for month and months, never saying anything to the coach. I haven't wanted to say anything because how stupid do I sound saying they are cutting in line? I don't want to be that parent. None of it is bad enough and every time I sit down to write any email it sounds so petty when I put it into words.

So recently after months and months of dealing with this privately, my DD stood up for herself and said something rude to one of the girls. That girl who is the ring leader actually had the NERVE to come tattle to ME after everything she has done! I told the brat (sorry but that is how she has acted) that maybe we needed to go right now to the coach and have a talk about everything that has been going on. That shut her up really quick.

I'm still considering sending an email to her coach, but I try to be super uninvolved and never make eye contact, much less speak to her coaches!

 

[wallflower]

Not a comment on the home school vs public school debate; but to spin off on another comment in this post...

I definitely think that we as parents need to be sure that we are paying attention and "owning up to" anything that our kids might be doing to make situations worse.

For me, I have 2 things that have made me really think about the "mean kid" situations. 1) My older DD is an extremely, extremely sweet girl. But... she also loves her books. We started at a new gym over the summer. She wasn't thrilled about leaving her friends from the old gym. When we started the new one, most of the friendships had long been established as these kids had been together for a few years. My DD had a hard time fitting in. But some of that was her own fault. I do think that at first there was a bit of leaving her out going on. But after a few months the other girls saw that she is "here to stay" and started reaching out. But on two different occasions I have seen some of her team mates come up to her (before practice started) and say "hello" and seem to want to hang out some and my DD has been reading a book. She would look up, say, "oh hey" then go right back to reading. Those girls were then left to stand there for a second, then figure out that DD is not as excited to see them, so they turn and leave. At that point I had to talk to my DD about how it is great that she loves to read; but that if she wants to make friends then she has to be polite and show an interest when they extend an invitation to being friends.

My second observation is with one of DS's team mates (one of the ones I mentioned in a previous post). This is the youngest kid on the team/level. My DS is the second youngest on the team/level. The ages on this team range from 7 - 11 years old. I have personally witnessed this kid going up to a parent after practice and telling that mom, "your son was mean to me today and kept picking on me." I then watched the little kid smile as the other kid walked out of the gym, getting fussed at by his mom. Same little kid went to the coaches and said that ALL of the other boys were picking on him. All of them got called into the head coach's office and really fussed at. My DS didn't know WHAT was going on since he had only been on the team for like 2 weeks at that point. My DS had tried to be friends with this kid; but quickly came home and said the kid was mean and "a brat". After the kid got my son in trouble like that you can bet my son wasn't his biggest fan (and I really do believe that my son wasn't picking - I'm one of the moms who stays for most practices due to the distance). As the summer goes on, and we get into the school year I start to see that nearly anything that the older boys say to this younger kid is well deserved. Because he IS a brat. he tells my son (and the rest of the team) that my son has no business being on that level, that at best he should be one level down. He constantly tells all of the boys that he can do X skill so much better than them. (The kid is amazing on floor; but in reality he only had an AA score higher than my DS once last year and that was the meet where my son had an undiagnosed broken ankle.) This same kid had said mean stuff to his team mates about their parents (like telling one kid that his mom "is such a know it all who is wrong about everything"). So... to hear this kid tell it, everyone on team is mean to him because he is little (and better). In reality, he has been such a brat that his team mates are fed up with him.

For me, when ever my kids start telling me about the mean kids I try really hard to listen and make sure that my kids aren't doing something to either cause the behavior or make it worse. Sometimes there is blame to be shared.

What you are describing is the bully, not the victim. Notice he is the first to go tattle, walk right up to parents and tattle to them, tattle to the coaches. Kids that are truly being bullied don't do that. The reason the bully picks them in the first place is because they are usually kids like my DD who will let people walk right over them.

 

[kandkfunk]

There is also the ultra sensitive kid that is hurt by every little thing, whether it's real or perceived. They are the ones that cry at every little thing. My daughter had a teammate who complained about everything, including a coach picking on her. That coach was short with all the girls, not just her, but instead of teaching her daughter how to work with the coach, her mom just kept complaining. She kept coming to her rescue even when it wasn't warranted. She is the worst helicopter parent I've ever encountered.

This girl was also a known cheat when it came to assignments. She would not complete all parts of an assignment and then finish way ahead of the rest of the girls. The girls would then get berated for not being as productive. My daughter, who was older and one of the team leaders, talked to a coach about the situation. That coach told her to confront the girl the next time she did it. So, the next time, my daughter talked to her and asked if she understood the assignment because it looked like she wasn't completing everything. The girl got upset, started crying and went complaining to the head coach. Even though my daughter was instructed to confront the girl (by a different coach) the head coach called all the girls together and gave them a long lecture about bullying. My daughter never would have said a thing if the coach hadn't instructed her to. The girl basically had a 30 minute private while the rest of the girls were being lectured. My daughter didn't even look or talk to that teammate after that for fear of getting in trouble. The girls mom continued to glare at my daughter during every practice - she stayed because they travelled a long ways - and made her very uncomfortable.

I would say that my daughter is very sweet and kind and definitely not a bully. She is one of the favorites of the younger kids. Could she have said something in a mean way to this girl? Sure, I didn't see or hear what she said. However, given this girls track record at our gym, I would bet that she just didn't like being called out. She was very good at manipulating the coaches and I think the coaches were a little scared to offend the mom since she was always at practice and was not shy about complaining about every little thing. I bet if you talked to this girl, she would paint a picture of how horrible everyone treated her and would come across as a real victim.

 

[wallflower]

There is also the ultra sensitive kid that is hurt by every little thing, whether it's real or perceived. They are the ones that cry at every little thing. My daughter had a teammate who complained about everything, including a coach picking on her. That coach was short with all the girls, not just her, but instead of teaching her daughter how to work with the coach, her mom just kept complaining. She kept coming to her rescue even when it wasn't warranted. She is the worst helicopter parent I've ever encountered.

This girl was also a known cheat when it came to assignments. She would not complete all parts of an assignment and then finish way ahead of the rest of the girls. The girls would then get berated for not being as productive. My daughter, who was older and one of the team leaders, talked to a coach about the situation. That coach told her to confront the girl the next time she did it. So, the next time, my daughter talked to her and asked if she understood the assignment because it looked like she wasn't completing everything. The girl got upset, started crying and went complaining to the head coach. Even though my daughter was instructed to confront the girl (by a different coach) the head coach called all the girls together and gave them a long lecture about bullying. My daughter never would have said a thing if the coach hadn't instructed her to. The girl basically had a 30 minute private while the rest of the girls were being lectured. My daughter didn't even look or talk to that teammate after that for fear of getting in trouble. The girls mom continued to glare at my daughter during every practice - she stayed because they travelled a long ways - and made her very uncomfortable.

I would say that my daughter is very sweet and kind and definitely not a bully. She is one of the favorites of the younger kids. Could she have said something in a mean way to this girl? Sure, I didn't see or hear what she said. However, given this girls track record at our gym, I would bet that she just didn't like being called out. She was very good at manipulating the coaches and I think the coaches were a little scared to offend the mom since she was always at practice and was not shy about complaining about every little thing. I bet if you talked to this girl, she would paint a picture of how horrible everyone treated her and would come across as a real victim.

I'm sure these situations exist, but the attitude that the "victim" probably did something to deserve being bullied is disgusting or perhaps they are all whiny cry babies with crazy moms.

I can tell you for one that my child is the kid who is so shy she doesn't even speak to adults who have been her coach for 1.5 years. She also has never cried at gym one day in her entire life. So your scenario doesn't apply, but I'm pretty confident that if I did tell the coach about these problems that this girls mom would spin the story to somehow not make it her child's fault. Generally apples don't fall too far from the tree.

Being a teacher I see a lot of this BS. It's quite shocking how when you meet a parent you see exactly where their child's personality comes from. Because the parents who "get it" don't have children who act this way.

Teachers and coaches will have a pretty good idea who is the victim and who is the bully, trust me. A child's character makes itself quite evident pretty quickly. I doubt there are too many coaches on here that are having the wool pulled over their eyes. Dunno's solution is a perfect example this.

 

[kandkfunk]

I'm sure these situations exist, but the attitude that the "victim" probably did something to deserve being bullied is disgusting or perhaps they are all whiny cry babies with crazy moms.

I can tell you for one that my child is the kid who is so shy she doesn't even speak to adults who have been her coach for 1.5 years. She also has never cried at gym one day in her entire life. So your scenario doesn't apply, but I'm pretty confident that if I did tell the coach about these problems that this girls mom would spin the story to somehow not make it her child's fault. Generally apples don't fall too far from the tree.

Being a teacher I see a lot of this BS. It's quite shocking how when you meet a parent you see exactly where their child's personality comes from. Because the parents who "get it" don't have children who act this way.

Teachers and coaches will have a pretty good idea who is the victim and who is the bully, trust me. A child's character makes itself quite evident pretty quickly. I doubt there are too many coaches on here that are having the wool pulled over their eyes. Dunno's solution is a perfect example this.

I can totally understand your perspective. However, it's kind of funny that you can be so sanctimonious and imply how horrible my kid must be yet your willing to be so rude. LOL.

My kid is an honor roll student in high school who has been chosen by teachers to be a peer tutor for underclassmen. She is a very kind kid and in no way a bully. She was actually good friends with a girl in grade school who wouldn't speak to anyone, including the teacher. But she would speak to my DD. However, I'm just her mom and must be a horrible person, because the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, so there's no way I can be a good judge of her character, right?

I don't deny that there is a lot of bullying amongst kids. It makes me sad and I've always talked about it with both my kids. It broke my DDs heart when she got in trouble for doing what the coach told her to do. She in no way wanted to hurt the kids feeling, but was tired of getting in trouble for not being able to keep up when her teammate wasn't being honest. Oh, and by the way, I never once talked to the coach about this situation so I didn't have an opportunity to spin anything with the coach to make the other girl look bad. I talked to my daughter about what happened and what she could possibly do next time to not hurt the girls feelings. I'm not a complainer and I very rarely seek out coaches or teachers to discuss issues unless there is a grade issue. They have to learn to work with whatever teacher they have because it's important to learn how to work with all types of people.

I'm glad that you are completely unable to be manipulated or snowed kids. But to assume that there isn't over reaction by some kids and overbearing parents to create more drama, especially in the gym world, is a little naive.

I too could call in one of the frequent coach posters here on chalk bucket who has coached my daughter and knows the coach to who I am referring, but that's ok. I'm pretty secure in the knowledge that my DH and I have raised a pretty amazing, kind and accomplished young woman who will go far in her life.

 

[iwannacoach]

I'm pretty secure in the knowledge that my DH and I have raised a pretty amazing, kind and accomplished young woman who will go far in her life........ kandkfunk , September 2013

Indeed!

As a frequent poster on chalkbucket, I've read many posts by people who present things as being either black or white with a complete absence or allowance for grey areas. Surely, I can be included in that group because I sometimes present my sentiments as if they were fact when they aren't. I have noticed as I get older and wiser I try to include the possibility, on occasion, that there may be other truths contrary to my own. That's the result of people telling me what their reality is, and how it differs from mine.

So here's my reality........

There are difficult kids that fall into every possible niche along the spectrum beginning with those who are so angelic and naive you feel a responsibility, and therein a burden, to protect them. At the other end of the scale are those children who are a burden because they seem to feel they need to get more, have more, and be more.... and the more store they shop at is the heart and soul of the children that try to get along by allowing that type of thievery.

Really, I agree that blaming the victim is wrong. At the same time can't discount the possibility that some kids establish such a stringent standard for their own treatment that it's darn near impossible to avoid setting them off. I really wonder if it's fair to require everyone to walk on eggshells and alter their middle of the road behavior to compensate for the needs of kids who are like this....... Whoops, I realise I just said needs, and they would be valid needs in some circumstances. Maybe it's also appropriate to consider that some of these needs are really choices made by the child or their parents.

I have a son that is just that.... so sensitive toward himself and reacting with such drama that he cannot see what a burden he is to the kids he wants to be friends with. He has adhd along with a few other quirks that tag along with the disorder, so *we* understand where it comes from and are working with him toward solutions.

He doesn't get bullied in the sense that his classmates are trying to hurt his feelings, but they do understandably avoid him when they tire of the behavior he believes to be normal...... so he kinda feels bullied. So while I recognise what ticks his clock to be valid, and feel there are others like him, I doubt this is the reason behind many of the sensitive kid behaviors.

 

[Deleted member D3987]

my kind of solution: Link Removed

 

[profmom]

Interesting conversation. I think part of the issue with gymnastics is that you can have these situations where a much younger child ends up in a group with children who are at a very different developmental stage. What seems to work in my kids' workout groups is that the youngest gets framed sort of as a precocious little sibling and in effect "adopted" by the older ones in the group. Both DS and DD have been on the "older sibling" side of this, but now DS is finding that some of the older boys are helping him out when he works out with them. He loves it (though of course it's a little different because he's getting mentoring from his optional heroes and they don't perceive him at all as a challenger because he's still a little compulsory dude). DD, who is 12, is very close with her 9 year old teammate who works out with her, I think in part because DD always longed for the little sister her parents neglected to provide. But I have heard about some problems with group dynamics among peers in the group just ahead of my daughter.

My kids' public elementary school developed what I think is a brilliant anti-bullying strategy. They identify the kids who are a bit different or socially awkward and pair them up for private lunches every few weeks with the kids who are very socially adept and popular. As the awkward kids and the popular kids get to know each other in a one-on-one setting, they build friendships and the awkward kid then has a defender when things get tough. Works a lot better, I think, than endless preaching along the lines of "bullying is bad." The great thing is that these relationships can follow the kids beyond elementary school and into junior high.

If there is a takeaway, I guess it is that many bullies prefer to pick on isolated kids. If group dynamics can be set up so that anyone who might be marginal is NOT isolated, the bully may well end up isolating her/himself as in 2G1B's example.

 

[Bajanswife]

There are at least 2 sides to every story (or situation). Sure there are true bullies who love to pick on people as a matter of course. But I also think that a fair amount of "bullying" is just bad dynamics. I don't think "bullying" (including what appears to be mean girl behaviours) is black and white at all - it can be complicated.

Also, while it is not fair to blame a true victim, some "victims" don't deserve the title, so to them some blame must surely be attributed? Not saying the ones who cry "victim" are terrible people - maybe they just need a little help learning to not be so sensitive, or reigning in their tendency towards drama. Maybe drama is how they've learned to get attention in their own home, so they try it at school or in the gym. Personalities are different - some people just have a very low tolerance for things that aren't going their way.

I think of my own 3 kids and their sibling rivalry - yes, my DS appears to be the one who is always picking on his sisters; but they do many sneaky things to annoy him, and a lot of the time he is just fed up and retaliating. He is also not a very tolerant person in general, so he can handle very little of something that's annoying him (i.e. he's one of those "sensitive" ones I wrote about earlier). His retaliation is more obvious, so this is usually the point at which I become aware of an issue. When I ask about it the girls look at me angelically, like they can do no wrong, and say "we didn't do anything". My son gets upset because he says I always take their side. I am trying not to do that. It's hard, though, when you don't have all the facts and are hearing 2 different versions of the same events. A lot of "bullying" is like that. It's hard to determine whether it is just friction between 2 kids who are competitive towards each other or just don't get along for some reason, or whether it is truly one kid taking advantage of the other.

 

[Natasha]

Interesting conversation. I think part of the issue with gymnastics is that you can have these situations where a much younger child ends up in a group with children who are at a very different developmental stage. What seems to work in my kids' workout groups is that the youngest gets framed sort of as a precocious little sibling and in effect "adopted" by the older ones in the group. Both DS and DD have been on the "older sibling" side of this, but now DS is finding that some of the older boys are helping him out when he works out with them. He loves it (though of course it's a little different because he's getting mentoring from his optional heroes and they don't perceive him at all as a challenger because he's still a little compulsory dude). DD, who is 12, is very close with her 9 year old teammate who works out with her, I think in part because DD always longed for the little sister her parents neglected to provide. But I have heard about some problems with group dynamics among peers in the group just ahead of my daughter.

My kids' public elementary school developed what I think is a brilliant anti-bullying strategy. They identify the kids who are a bit different or socially awkward and pair them up for private lunches every few weeks with the kids who are very socially adept and popular. As the awkward kids and the popular kids get to know each other in a one-on-one setting, they build friendships and the awkward kid then has a defender when things get tough. Works a lot better, I think, than endless preaching along the lines of "bullying is bad." The great thing is that these relationships can follow the kids beyond elementary school and into junior high.

If there is a takeaway, I guess it is that many bullies prefer to pick on isolated kids. If group dynamics can be set up so that anyone who might be marginal is NOT isolated, the bully may well end up isolating her/himself as in 2G1B's example.

 

[Bajanswife]

At our gym the only meanness I have seen is within the same age group - the older girls are sweet to the younger ones and don't seem outwardly threatened by them. The meanness came about we believe as a result of competitiveness within one particular girl, who could not stand to see her same-age teammates do certain things better than her. It was a tough year for her because she couldn't train as much as the others due to having extra lessons for school, and I think she was feeling afraid of getting left behind. Now, not every personality would react to that situation like she did - obviously it had to be part of her character to do so - but we understood that there were other factors at play than simple "meanness". She is not in their group anymore and the group is peaceful now.

 

[kandkfunk]

Interesting conversation. I think part of the issue with gymnastics is that you can have these situations where a much younger child ends up in a group with children who are at a very different developmental stage. What seems to work in my kids' workout groups is that the youngest gets framed sort of as a precocious little sibling and in effect "adopted" by the older ones in the group. Both DS and DD have been on the "older sibling" side of this, but now DS is finding that some of the older boys are helping him out when he works out with them. He loves it (though of course it's a little different because he's getting mentoring from his optional heroes and they don't perceive him at all as a challenger because he's still a little compulsory dude). DD, who is 12, is very close with her 9 year old teammate who works out with her, I think in part because DD always longed for the little sister her parents neglected to provide. But I have heard about some problems with group dynamics among peers in the group just ahead of my daughter.

My kids' public elementary school developed what I think is a brilliant anti-bullying strategy. They identify the kids who are a bit different or socially awkward and pair them up for private lunches every few weeks with the kids who are very socially adept and popular. As the awkward kids and the popular kids get to know each other in a one-on-one setting, they build friendships and the awkward kid then has a defender when things get tough. Works a lot better, I think, than endless preaching along the lines of "bullying is bad." The great thing is that these relationships can follow the kids beyond elementary school and into junior high.

If there is a takeaway, I guess it is that many bullies prefer to pick on isolated kids. If group dynamics can be set up so that anyone who might be marginal is NOT isolated, the bully may well end up isolating her/himself as in 2G1B's example.

Great insight on the group dynamics. This is probably one of the only sports where you can see such a huge disparity in age in a training group. Most of the time, the older girls do a really great job of taking the younger girls under their wings and becoming mentors. They really take their status as role models to heart.

I really love the idea of your school pairing kids together for lunch. What a great way to help break down social barriers.

 

[cbifoja]

Interesting conversation. I think part of the issue with gymnastics is that you can have these situations where a much younger child ends up in a group with children who are at a very different developmental stage.

I believe this is absolutely accurate. Most other sports groups kids by age whereas our sport groups by level/ability so you might get some younger kids working out with older kids. And fair or not, I think there is a tendency for "older" gymnasts to sometimes feel compared to the younger ones.
I know my DD's first season went very smoothly. She was in the middle of the pack when it came to age. When she skipped a level and moved to a new group, she was then the youngest, but only by a year so the dynamics were still "normal". But then, when she skipped another level and moved into this new group, she was now noticeably younger than most of the group and unfortunately, she isn't even particularly mature for her age so that certainly compounded the situation.

I tease my child. I tease her a lot. We play games where we tease each other because I want her to have thick skin and to be able to laugh silly stuff off. I don't consider her hyper-sensitive, but she is still out of her league when it comes to verbal reparte with the middle/high school kids in her group.

And let me state for the record that while at the time those girls were being mean, I don't feel like it crossed into bullying. I wouldn't use the label "bully" to describe any of my DD's teammate and I wouldn't use the label "victim" to describe my child. If the issues were still going on, then maybe I might be open to the bully label, but given how the girls interact now, I just think it was growing pains that comes with new training groups.