Parents mid-gym crisis

[B.Gold]

Lately, I have been going through a major mid-life crisis with my DDs gym experience. She is "over the hump", so to speak, in that, if she stays the course, she's been participating in gymnastics just slightly longer than what she has left. Until recently, it has been easy for her to acquire skills. But now it's getting tough, she's 11-L8, fears are creeping in, and it shouldn't be long before it's obvious whether or not she has the mental toughness to pull through. I would bet money on her that she does, but I anticipate a struggle.

But, honestly, I don't think I have the mental toughness to make it through the struggle. When she first started gymnastics it was so.much.fun. But now our family's lifestyle revolves around her and this sport. You seasoned parents all know the sacrifices every family makes for it...from the financial through not sharing meals together and everything in between.

I'm constantly worried she's not living a full life. Her siblings have experienced so much more than her, from participating in a myriad of sports, travel, and adventure camps that she neither has the time nor do we have the extra money. She shows great potential in other sports that I know would be a lot easier for her to reach great heights but she has no interest to wander off course and try them. (This is the first sport she has ever tried). If she can't get through her fears I won't be buying tapes or paying a sports psych to get her through them. I know she has so much potential in other sports I don't want to waste one minute on gymnastics if its leading to years of struggling with fears. I have no interest or patience for it.

She spends 6 days in the gym, the 7th day is a rest day. I never see her. On her rest day, if she wants to socialize she's gone. Since I no longer watch her at the gym I feel like I have very little participation in her life other than supplying her with good nutrition and rest to prepare her for the next day at the gym. I'm a very good mom and give her everything she needs to be successful.

I've asked her to cut back on her hours, you would have thought I had asked her to cut off her right arm. I could take it upon myself and cut back her hours but I don't have the support of my husband and it seems cruel to do to her.

I honestly don't know how I can support this lifestyle for the next seven years. But when it's finally over, she'll be gone, and I'll be an empty nester.

Any words of advice? Support? Does anyone else relate? Please don't tell me gymnastics is going to make her a wonderful adult, she's going to be a wonderful adult regardless. How can I find purpose in this lifestyle?

 

[Deleted member 17723]

Think about it this way-if shes happy, then you should be happy! My parents are ok with what I do because I seem to love it, and they are happy that I am happy! Good luck to your dd!

 

[wallinbl]

I've asked her to cut back on her hours, you would have thought I had asked her to cut off her right arm.

At what other point in life do you have that much time to pour into your passion? Give it to her; adulthood is not going to.

I honestly don't know how I can support this lifestyle for the next seven years.

I hear that. Level 8 is hard enough (as a parent). I fear more of this.

 

[mpkbt]

I feel your pain. I think that every parent of a gymnast has faced a similar crisis! I often wonder what our family life would have been like if "we" didn't do gymnastics. We even bought homes in the the new cities we were stationed in based on the drive to the gym! I have 2 dds that have done gymnastics. Older dd started at 6 and just turned 20 and has done at least 20 hours of gym for 50 weeks a year for the last 12 years. She has loved every minute of it and still does.
Younger dd was a gorgeous dancer and good tumbling but bars were a struggle. She also had fear issues at EVERY level. She quit after a 2nd year of level 7. I stressed so much as to whether or not she would regret her decision. After several false starts (or quits) she left the sport and never looked back. I knew it was the right move because I could honestly not see her doing the upper level skills. Flic lays were not something that would have come easy to her. I even asked her coach one day if she could really see her as a level 10. I also wanted her to try something else while she was still young enough to get into it. After a brief try at cheerleading, she now does volleyball. Not something I would have expected...she is really short! But she loves it!

I guess I have no advice for you because it is a struggle we have all faced and there are NO clear cut answers. All I can tell you is that our family is what it is based on the experience we had. I wouldn't change who we are now, so I can't have regrets about the choices we made. She is happy for now. Have good conversations with her about HER expectations for the future and make sure she is honest about how she feels and what she wants and go from there! You are not alone in the struggle. Oh and however it turns out will be exactly the way it was meant to be!

 

[LizzieLac]

Two things - I remember competing track and X-Country all through HS and college, even played HS tennis. I think about all of the hours and miles I have spent on the road running...a lot of it ALONE! The life lessons were invaluable, as were the memories with teammates. I simply would not have changed a thing (other than to have been a better runner ).

Second thing, in late October my DD, level 7 broke her tibia and fibula doing her tsuk. While she has had some good success in gymnastics she has had many struggles even before the broken leg. Took a year to get her BHS on beam and her giant took some work as well. All I can tell you is that she never even questioned that she would be back. Sure, she has said she worries about how quickly she'll skills back and about her leg...she even worries that she will be afraid of something. Being a gymnast is what she does, but it isn't all of who she is. Grades are important and we encourage her to have time with friends and hobbies, hang out with her family and dog, and just be a kid. I feel fortunate that we are at a gym that allows time for that.

I suppose my only advice is to support her in what she loves and to try to be as much a part of her life as you can. No matter what sport or interest she pursues she will always be your daughter.

 

[curlymomof3]

Not advice really, just some words of inspiration and something to think about. We are not quite to Level 8 yet but Dd at Level 6 is 10 and those fears are definitely starting to creep up. Years ago when Dd was pre-team, I had tons of concerns about continuing to the team level of this sport and the amount of commitment it would take. I talked with a former college gymnast in my neighborhood about my concerns and asked her if she regretted doing gymnastics. I asked her if she felt like she missed out on too much because of it.

Her answer kind of surprised me but I keep going back to it when I start to feel like Dd is "missing out" on everything. She said that while she did miss out on various activities because of practice, she also missed out on the drama and low self-esteem issues that so many girls in the teen years go through! She gained a lot of her confidence through gymnastics instead of her looks or boys. She was too busy with gym to worry about impressing others. And of course, it kept her out of trouble Just a few things to think about! Hang in there mom!!

 

[auswi]

I am so hearing you!! Still going through the agonising... But Dd is happy and thriving - and that's the bottom line for our family

( I'm mum to a little IL 8).

Can I suggest actively scheduling time with your Dd on some of her Sundays? Doesn't need to be long but simple things like having a pancake brekky together is great.

Great that you have offered other options for your Dd- is it possible to have a fun activity with her some Sundays ( in a sport you figure she may click in- to keep her adult / later teen options open)?

Good luck

 

[Dka]

Does she have school friends? My dd is a level 8 too( 6 th grade) repeating due to three bug injuries in one year( level 8 not school), we somehow schedule time with non gym friends. My dd has played other sports competitively and I think that helped. Gym won out two years ago... Take her lead, if she is happy all will be fine. My dd goes to practice and comes home with a smile... Let her be your guide

 

[B.Gold]

I hear that. Level 8 is hard enough (as a parent). I fear more of this.

Exactly, thanks for expressing that. I am hoping my feelings are a phase and the magic of her gymnastics will return for me but what I really fear is that it's going to get so hard I'm just going to completely mentally check out and then she'll be gone.

 

[B.Gold]

@LizzieLac ...you AND your DD sound incredibly tough. Good luck to her as she comes back.

 

[B.Gold]

Does she have school friends? My dd is a level 8 too( 6 th grade) repeating due to three bug injuries in one year( level 8 not school), we somehow schedule time with non gym friends. My dd has played other sports competitively and I think that helped. Gym won out two years ago... Take her lead, if she is happy all will be fine. My dd goes to practice and comes home with a smile... Let her be your guide

She does and those are the friends I get her together with outside the gym.
I don't though. Im a transplant to my area and all my friends I've made are gym moms. They are awesome, but total overkill!! Lol! And, bless-their-hearts, they are all of the mindset...gym at all costs.

 

[mariposa]

I think this is common at the level your daughter is at. I have a 12 year old level 8 and often ask myself "Is it worth it?" She loves it, but sometimes watching the struggles of fears and tears, the growth spurts and lost skills...really makes me question if it's worth it. She's happy most of the time, but those tough days/weeks/months really take a toll on this mama's heart and I wish she would be done. I just keep telling myself that as long as she's overall happy, I'll keep supporting her and suck it up.

 

[LizzieLac]

@LizzieLac ...you AND your DD sound incredibly tough. Good luck to her as she comes back.

BGold - thank you for saying that!! Because of course we all worry about this sport and our kids in some way, it is nice for someone to recognize what our kids go through.

 

[NutterButter]

Your post hits home for me because I'm in a similar place the last few weeks where I am questioning whether it's all worth it. My DD is 12 and is L6/7. The skills now still aren't that scary to me but they are on the horizon and this freaks me out! I worry about what DD is missing out on at school and with her school friends. In the last year my DD has really made a shift and now almost completely identifies with her teammates. When she is not at the gym her teammates are the ones that she is texting, facetimeing, and getting together with. On one hand I love this and it's been fun to see her teammates become closer but at the same time my DD's network of school friends has shrunk. She has friends at school but really no one that she hangs out with anymore. And she doesn't really have time to do any of the school activities that are before or after school. Sometimes this bums me out. DD is happy though. And yes, there are plenty of tough weeks with disappearing skills, minor injuries, fears, etc but she's keeps going and I know she is learning tons of life skills through this.

 

[gymmomtoo]

I know well the struggle with paying for it, seeing them working through issues and not seeing your child that much (there were weeks when, between my working and her gymnastics, I wouldn't see DD from Sunday until Wednesday!), but for me the bottom line was--she loved it and she wanted to do it. Growing up my parents never let me do anything, do to cost or simply driving me there, so my kids get the chance to do whatever they want (well, within reason LOL!). I want my kids to grow up knowing I'll support them in whatever they want to do--and, yes, that did mean sending her to web camp with Doc Ali when she wanted to. Good luck with whatever you decide! It's definitely a decision that varies by the family on whats right for them.

 

[B.Gold]

^^^ but WHY do they put themselves through it? That's part of a gymnast's psyche I will never understand. (That was supposed to point to lizzielacs post...oops)

 

[mariposa]

^^^ but WHY do they put themselves through it? That's part of a gymnast's psyche I will never understand. (That was supposed to point to lizzielacs post...oops)

I ask myself this question all the time!

 

[anothergymmom]

I sympathize with these feelings too. Sometimes I feel that my daughter's stress and emotional investment in gymnastics is too stressful for me! My dd is 12 and in the gym a bit less than yours. But between school and gym she is tired a lot. We spend time together but often its just watching bad tv shows together and chatting. Still, it is a time to reconnect. Given your daughter's age, you might want to sit back and watch a little to see where she is headed. at 12-13, she might want to cut back her hours a little--even if she still has all her passion. My daughter has gotten more tired as she has had growth spurts and now occasionally will ask take a night off from gym. She still loves it, but she also feels a lot of pressure to excel in school and knows she needs to conserve energy sometimes.

I second the suggestion that you find some small ways to spend time together: you could read together, watch a movie, do each other's nails. Relax! I also agree with the poster who suggested you worry less about what your dd might be missing. We live in a beautiful, culturally rich area and I can assure you that my dd's non-gym friends are not out there having meaningful adventures: they are playing soccer, doing homework, and/or spending way more time on their screens.
Wishing you the best!

 

[bookworm]

I feel your pain, and I'm totally with you on her getting through it without tapes or shrinks or whatever...my feeling on it was always "you do all 4 events of this sport or you move onto another one"...as you say too much time and money to do otherwise....

Having been in and around the sport for over 15 years, with 2 of them who progressed to multi year level 10s with one currently competing in college and one committed to a school already, would I do it again? You know I'm not sure I would....it's an enormous investment of time and money and I sometimes do the "what ifs" . I know that after my first went on to college and had the experience she did, I made conscious choices NOT to repeat that scenario again because as you say, I could not take another 4 years of college gym at the stress level it was for my first...it may sound selfish but living on pins and needles for another 4 years ( 8 years total!), I just couldn't do it....and my other daughter is quite happy with her choice, as are we...

I think if your daughter develop fears that can't be overcome, you'd be perfectly justified in pulling the plug and moving on to something else...it happens all the time and sometimes the parent has to be the one to make that decision.

 

[B.Gold]

I feel your pain, and I'm totally with you on her getting through it without tapes or shrinks or whatever...my feeling on it was always "you do all 4 events of this sport or you move onto another one"...as you say too much time and money to do otherwise....

Having been in and around the sport for over 15 years, with 2 of them who progressed to multi year level 10s with one currently competing in college and one committed to a school already, would I do it again? You know I'm not sure I would....it's an enormous investment of time and money and I sometimes do the "what ifs" . I know that after my first went on to college and had the experience she did, I made conscious choices NOT to repeat that scenario again because as you say, I could not take another 4 years of college gym at the stress level it was for my first...it may sound selfish but living on pins and needles for another 4 years ( 8 years total!), I just couldn't do it....and my other daughter is quite happy with her choice, as are we...

I think if your daughter develop fears that can't be overcome, you'd be perfectly justified in pulling the plug and moving on to something else...it happens all the time and sometimes the parent has to be the one to make that decision.

I'm grateful for your hindsight and honesty! I really appreciate it.

I wonder how much time is appropriate to allow the gymnast to struggle before calling it. Is it a time frame? or a developmental marker like the end of growth for example.

I am stunned to find out you still feel the stress even after your DDs have been accepted to college. I would never have guessed the parental stress would continue. I would have guessed it would be more like relief having finally crossed the finish line. Congratulations to both and their individual choices!!