Parents New here. Need some WWYD advice . ...

[Deleted member 18037]

She's also very supportive and adored by the younger girls. Honestly though, this actually enforces my reasons for not sending her. I feel like, by endorsing this activity, we're supporting it and going against what we feel is the right thing to do.

I will say this - I'm so glad I wrote in. All the parents at the gym are so new and I never see them so it's been hard to get to know anyone. Even before, they were all very cliquish and fake.

Clearly you made up your mind long before posting and you clearly don't care for the parents. It certainly is your right.

2 things however.

Going to the event is not supporting/endorsing the event, its supporting/endorsing the girls. Unless you feel the event is totally offensive for some moral reason, which it doesn't sound like.

I find parent groups in any area, takes time to get know folks. It takes effort and time to get to know them, and I find its on me to do most of the work as the new/outside one. It is not unusal, the group has a rhythm and it is usually up to the outsider. I found this to be true in many areas, my Mommy and Me group way back, the parents at Chinese school when we started, her gym (as most of the kids go to school together, my girl doesn't). Its really very normal.

I kind of get the feeling you don't think much of them, and its rather clear you really don't want to associate with them. That is entirely your prerogative.

Just own it, its not about the practice.

 

[cbifoja]

I get the cancelling practice and then asking you to pay more for a "required" event. That would chap my rear end as well. I get that being on team means that you don't pay a per hour rate but we are paying for an expected service.

I've been told that my DD will have practice available to her for 19 hours a week and I pay expecting about that. Sometimes we cut an hour here and there but when we start missing multiple practices in a month, it does bother me.

I feel like I am reasonable about it though. We have a family who resents paying meet fees anytime we have a Saturday meet because they have "already paid for a coach's time on Saturday". Obviously we don't practice on saturdays if we have a meet. I don't agree with that family although I understand their logic.

But we recently had a practice cancelled. I was like "Cool. No big deal. We'll have a nice family night." But then we received a text from the coach saying that we could pay her for private lessons on that same night! Our collective gym mom heads exploded!!!! That was NOT okay with me or the other moms. I didn't mind not having practice for a legitimate reason but that wasn't legit to me.

Honestly, I'd skip your art event if your DD doesn't want to go. The money would also be part of that decision, not because $25 is some exorbitant amount but because if it is required during gym practice, then yes, the gym should pick up the cost. You already paid for that time. Why should you be double-charged?

 

[Quadqueen]

But we recently had a practice cancelled. I was like "Cool. No big deal. We'll have a nice family night." But then we received a text from the coach saying that we could pay her for private lessons on that same night! Our collective gym mom heads exploded!!!! That was NOT okay with me or the other moms. I didn't mind not having practice for a legitimate reason but that wasn't legit to me.

Ummmm.....WHAT?!!

 

[BachFlyer]

$25 can actually be a lot to some people. It is to me. I've had to have DD skip a few team events in the past for that reason. Once the gym covered it for us, because I was honest about why we weren't going. 3 or 4 of these things a year can add up quickly, and it's not in our budget every time (especially if it's something my kid doesn't really want to do). It irks me a little bit that the "planners" don't seem to understand this, but I can't really blame them that they have money to burn. So I just politely decline. Sometimes we have to turn down after-meet lunches/dinners, too, and it sucks but it is what it is. I think there is a lesson to be learned in this, too, and it's not the one that some other posters have pointed out. Sometimes the lesson is establishing boundaries and learning how to say no when you need/want to.

 

[mariposa]

At our gym, it is explained that team tuition is based on 48 weeks, divided into 12 equal payments. That is why there are no makeups for missed or cancelled practices. It's explained in our handbook. Over the year, between holidays, small team breaks, cancelled practice due to meet weekends, etc, and illness, most kids get their 48 weeks or a little more.

I think planning it on a gym night was probably to make sure all the girls could be included because they might have other activities on other nights. Sounds considerate and smart if you ask me. Had they picked another day, there would be complaints that little Susie was being excluded because she has ballet, soccer, whatever. You can't make everyone happy it seems.

You've obviously made up your mind to not have her go, but as the older girl in the group, your daughter is a role model and often times (at least at our gym) they play such an important role in the group dynamic. Those painting activities can be fun and it could be a long term reminder of that role she played. Plus on team, much like life, you aren't grouped in same age groups like at school. It's a life lesson.

 

[BachFlyer]

^^ Honestly, I'm sure the OPs daughter knows she is a role model, and it sounds like she's participated in other events. Sometimes doing what is right for one's own self/family/wallet (even if it might make some people guilt you into feeling bad) is the right choice.

 

[mariposa]

If you Google "team tuition is based on 48 weeks", you'll find it is very common, probably how it is done at most gyms.

 

[Becauseisaid]

I totally, completely, and absolutely know where you (OP) are coming from. I clean the gym to pay for my DD's gymnastics, and when I, then my husband, lost our jobs last year, it was the only thing keeping her on the team. $25 is STILL a lot for us to come up with out of the blue.
Having said that, I'm all for team building and creating a sense of community between the team and the parents. However, these are things that should be done outside of alotted practice time. I would have no issue with stating "This is a wonderful idea and I'm all for the girls having a chance to build their relationship; however, this type of event would be better on a weekend or time other than during practice. We're free on X date.".
My question is - who came up with this idea? A parent or coach?

 

[wildrosejmj]

Clearly you made up your mind long before posting and you clearly don't care for the parents. It certainly is your right.

2 things however.

Going to the event is not supporting/endorsing the event, its supporting/endorsing the girls. Unless you feel the event is totally offensive for some moral reason, which it doesn't sound like.

I find parent groups in any area, takes time to get know folks. It takes effort and time to get to know them, and I find its on me to do most of the work as the new/outside one. It is not unusal, the group has a rhythm and it is usually up to the outsider. I found this to be true in many areas, my Mommy and Me group way back, the parents at Chinese school when we started, her gym (as most of the kids go to school together, my girl doesn't). Its really very normal.

I kind of get the feeling you don't think much of them, and its rather clear you really don't want to associate with them. That is entirely your prerogative.

Just own it, its not about the practice.

I'm sorry that I was misunderstood. I was referring to the parents we used to have - the ones who all left during the coach shake up. Seriously, we'd be the first ones at a meet, and they'd all sit somewhere else. There were several I really thought I was friends with but when they suddenly leave the gym enmasse and unfriendly you on FB, you kind of get the idea.

I actually do like the new parents as much as I know them, but there is only one on T's level (who I do visit with if I see her), I drop T at the door early, and pick her up late when I come to clean. I simply don't see them. I'm sorry I gave the wrong impression.

 

[wildrosejmj]

I totally, completely, and absolutely know where you (OP) are coming from. I clean the gym to pay for my DD's gymnastics, and when I, then my husband, lost our jobs last year, it was the only thing keeping her on the team. $25 is STILL a lot for us to come up with out of the blue.
Having said that, I'm all for team building and creating a sense of community between the team and the parents. However, these are things that should be done outside of alotted practice time. I would have no issue with stating "This is a wonderful idea and I'm all for the girls having a chance to build their relationship; however, this type of event would be better on a weekend or time other than during practice. We're free on X date.".
My question is - who came up with this idea? A parent or coach?

A parent came up with the idea and approached the coaches with it, but when I emailed the coach to make sure and to ask if there was an option for the girls to come to practice, I was told that this event was practice for the night. I told her, if that was the case, the gym should pay for it. I didn't get a response.

 

[mariposa]

^^ Honestly, I'm sure the OPs daughter knows she is a role model, and it sounds like she's participated in other events. Sometimes doing what is right for one's own self/family/wallet (even if it might make some people guilt you into feeling bad) is the right choice.

She mentioned her not wanting to hang out with a bunch of 7 to 10 year olds, which was why I mentioned it. We have 2 levels where there is an older girl with a group of younger girls and in both groups, the older girls would absolutely be missed in a team building/celebratory activity.

 

[mariposa]

I totally, completely, and absolutely know where you (OP) are coming from. I clean the gym to pay for my DD's gymnastics, and when I, then my husband, lost our jobs last year, it was the only thing keeping her on the team. $25 is STILL a lot for us to come up with out of the blue.
Having said that, I'm all for team building and creating a sense of community between the team and the parents. However, these are things that should be done outside of alotted practice time. I would have no issue with stating "This is a wonderful idea and I'm all for the girls having a chance to build their relationship; however, this type of event would be better on a weekend or time other than during practice. We're free on X date.".
My question is - who came up with this idea? A parent or coach?

My guess is they picked a team practice night to make sure everyone was included and could go since they would be at practice already. We've done similar at our gym. It was cheaper, as it was at Chuckie Cheese, but it was done during regularly scheduled time. Had it not been, there'd have been complaints that they had other plans, sports, etc, etc, little Susie being excluded.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

I'm sorry that I was misunderstood. I was referring to the parents we used to have - the ones who all left during the coach shake up. Seriously, we'd be the first ones at a meet, and they'd all sit somewhere else. There were several I really thought I was friends with but when they suddenly leave the gym enmasse and unfriendly you on FB, you kind of get the idea.

I actually do like the new parents as much as I know them, but there is only one on T's level (who I do visit with if I see her), I drop T at the door early, and pick her up late when I come to clean. I simply don't see them. I'm sorry I gave the wrong impression.

Got it now.

This would perhaps be a good opportunity to get to the know the parents better.

And I totally get why you don't want to go.

Either way if you go I would expect to make up the practice, unless you handbook/contract says otherwise.

If you don't I would expect your child to be able to go to practice as scheduled.

 

[wildrosejmj]

My guess is they picked a team practice night to make sure everyone was included and could go since they would be at practice already. We've done similar at our gym. It was cheaper, as it was at Chuckie Cheese, but it was done during regularly scheduled time. Had it not been, there'd have been complaints that they had other plans, sports, etc, etc, little Susie being excluded.

Yeah, I know. Sigh. I get that too. And while I had made up my mind before posting, I wanted to hear the thoughts of other gym parents. I think I would have been much better about it if there had been some advanced warning and/or discussion regarding what the activity would be and how much to spend. I really hate the entire situation because I feel the role model thing but feel like I just can't do it for the reasons I already stated. I do appreciate all the input.

 

[wildrosejmj]

Got it now.

This would perhaps be a good opportunity to get to the know the parents better.

And I totally get why you don't want to go.

Either way if you go I would expect to make up the practice, unless you handbook/contract says otherwise.

If you don't I would expect your child to be able to go to practice as scheduled.

Thank you for understanding. I also really appreciate the suggestions about requesting make up gym time. I wasn't sure how to approach that or how hard to push for it. Thanks again.

 

[Midwestmommy]

I told her, if that was the case, the gym should pay for it. I didn't get a response.

Ouch, well we all have to pick our battles. The next time a parent approaches the coaches with one of these ideas, she will say.... "Well I said yes last time and "so and so (you)" complained. I would not ask the coach to pay for this, it wasn't their idea. They were trying to accomodate what they thought the parents came up with for a team building activity. I would not have emailed the coaches asking them to pay for it, I would not cash in a "relationship chip" for that one when there are tougher mountains ahead to climb together (athlete/parent/coach). I'd save my chip for something else..

 

[Midwestmommy]

By relationship chip what I mean is... If I am going to do something that I think could potentially annoy a coach or other parents, it's going to be over a bigger issue. I don't want to waste relationship goodwill on the little stuff. But hey like I said, we all pick which battles are important to us (and what we think is or isn't little stuff). Sometimes one of us cashes in a chip and everyone else benefits.... But we are left with one fewer chip.

 

[wildrosejmj]

I told her, if that was the case, the gym should pay for it. I didn't get a response.

Ouch, well we all have to pick our battles. The next time a parent approaches the coaches with one of these ideas, she will say.... "Well I said yes last time and "so and so (you)" complained. I would not ask the coach to pay for this, it wasn't their idea. They were trying to accomodate what they thought the parents came up with for a team building activity. I would not have emailed the coaches asking them to pay for it, I would not cash in a "relationship chip" for that one when there are tougher mountains ahead to climb together (athlete/parent/coach). I'd save my chip for something else..

By relationship chip what I mean is... If I am going to do something that I think could potentially annoy a coach or other parents, it's going to be over a bigger issue. I don't want to waste relationship goodwill on the little stuff. But hey like I said, we all pick which battles are important to us (and what we think is or isn't little stuff). Sometimes one of us cashes in a chip and everyone else benefits.... But we are left with one fewer chip.

Yeah, I know. It was one of those knee jerk reactions I probably should have sat on for a few hours before responding to. It was, however, someone I've known all the 6 years we've been there and it was also in response to the tone she used to answer me. And I wasn't asking her to pay for it - just take it out of what we've already paid in. What's done is done though. Ah well.

 

[profmom]

Maybe I'm the outlier here, but while I am fine with fun teambuilding activities, I do not think they should supersede practice. We have a few things now and then, but it's clear that they're simply options for those who want to take advantage of them, and there's no pressure on anyone to attend. It's different from a work environment, where my employer is paying me to take part in some community-building exercise. I am paying the coaches to use their professional expertise to train my child. Honestly, I'd be rather annoyed at a parent who wheedled the coaches to cancel a practice for such a reason.

 

[wildrosejmj]

Y

Maybe I'm the outlier here, but while I am fine with fun teambuilding activities, I do not think they should supersede practice. We have a few things now and then, but it's clear that they're simply options for those who want to take advantage of them, and there's no pressure on anyone to attend. It's different from a work environment, where my employer is paying me to take part in some community-building exercise. I am paying the coaches to use their professional expertise to train my child. Honestly, I'd be rather annoyed at a parent who wheedled the coaches to cancel a practice for such a reason.

Yes, exactly!