Parents Question about post-meet practices

[twinmomma]

A little background- sorry if this is long: This is my DD's (7 years old) first year doing competitions, and really, her first year doing gymnastics. Plus she's never competed in anything other than a single season of soccer. She started in beginner in May, only to be moved up through the ranks and invited to do both Xcel and JO level 3. Our gym is small and honestly fairly disorganized but trying to establish itself as a player in the area (hiring more coaches, etc...) Our optional girls do fair to middling, our level 3 and 4s tend to do really well.

Anyway, my daughter was really scared to do JO so she opted for Xcel this year, and we were fine with that. Halfway to the first competition, they had a major coaching change. We had two college girls coaching the team and they were sweet and encouraging except they didn't focus enough on repetition and form for my taste. One coach left, and they brought in another coach who is a former compulsory coach who admits she is EXTREMELY strict. For weeks my daughter said she hated her and would cry at practice. My partner and I had long talks with her about how you don't have to like your coach, and they aren't always going to be lovey dovey with you. She came out the other side having a healthy respect for the new coach and everything has settled down.

This past weekend they had their first competition. My DD did great, 6th AA and even managed a 5th on beam. The team took 2nd, but not by much. She was ecstatic about how she did as were we. The first practice after the meet the coaches apparently told them how they were disappointed they only got 2nd by a small margin and they should have done better and they had a lot to work on (very true that they have a lot to work on). I had prepped my daughter heavily that it would be like this, however I was taken aback that not once did they say "we're proud of how you did for your first meet but we have a lot of work to do" or something that at least expressed some encouragement.

I am wondering what people's experiences are with how the coaches talk to the kids after meets. There's a LOT of parent discontent over this new coach and how sort of old school she is but I personally have seen a huge improvement in my daughter's skill set and detail orientation since working with the coach. Are other coaches really stingy with the praise? I'm so used to my son's little league and soccer where people go out of their way to praise the kids.

 

[htimcj]

DD former head coach RARELY praised anybody. If you ever got a good, good then you did VERY well. Her new head coach is gives a bit more praise but not by much, maybe one time in a practice and never says anything good or bad about how a meet went. Well, other than ther is a lot of work left to do

I think it is fairly common for coaches in gymnastics to not be particularly free with their praise.

 

[twinmomma]

I guess it's not the lack of praise I'm concerned with, it's more the active disappointment sentiment expressed. Granted one kid interpreted it as "they are disappointed in us" whereas an older child heard "we are disappointed that we didn't do better" which is an entirely different thing in my opinion. And since my daughter can be a bit of a drama queen and seemed rather unaffected by the whole thing I'm inclined to believe it was the latter. That said, I am a worrier and what I don't want is the attitudes of other girls/parents negatively affecting my daughter as she's the youngest on the team. I keep a very open dialog with her about what to expect because personality wise she needs that, but as we have been approached multiple times about moving her to level 3 and she now WANTS to after her Xcel season is over, I am just praying she isn't soured on things before the season is over.

 

[3gymgirls]

My daughter doesn't actually compete her first meet for two weeks, but she has had her coach off and on since she started gymnastics at age 3. Her coach praises success in class and individual and team achievements are recognized as well. Anyone who gets a. 9.0 or higher gets their name on a star on the wall in the gym all season long. I hope the trend continues as meets begun soon.

 

[twinmomma]

That's awesome. With the coaching staff at our gym that will never happen. Our coach who handled the level 4 and up teams is old school former Soviet medalist who I've seen smile once since May. Our level 3 is an absolute doll who is strict but loving. If dd moves beyond level 3 we will switch gyms.

 

[twinmomma]

I guess I should clarify I've talked to a lot of the parents with kids working with our level 4 and up coach. And I've watched him a lot. And between never ever saying anything positive he also berates the girls. And it's not like it's really working. They aren't superstars. And they are all afraid of him.

 

[2G1B]

I don't like that at all. Sure feels a bit "Dance Moms" to me. The whole, "Second place is just the first place loser" thing.

At our gym there are a lot of coaches and there seems to be a mix. I don't mind one coach pointing out that the girls (or boys) could have done better; but I definitely want another coach pointing out the things that they did right, even if it is just that they showed good sportsmanship.

 

[sevenatenine2]

They are still children. Even after the worst meet, coaches should give corrections, but they also should point out something the child did well. I'd rather sacrifice a new skill or two for a healthy gym environment.

 

[gracyomalley]

We had a coach who once let it slip that she was disappointed with the girls bars routines at a big invitational meet (4 of the girls had just moved up to old level 6 a month before that - this was their first meet). Overall she was a strict but very kind coach, I think she just let it slip. My point is my daughter and her friends still have a bad feeling about that....2 years later.

There's always something nice to say....and DD head coach finds it. She is also very good at checking with the judges and finding out where all deductions come from and letting the girls know (usually in private) - mainly so they learn that the things they got deducted for were usually the things she had been trying to get them to work on

No need for kids to always get praised even when they flub up....they see through that. However, if winning is everything that's not an environment that is healthy....

 

[txgymfan]

If you know you will switch gyms I would start looking now. Look up gyms that that are within driving distance and start your research.

 

[gymdog]

Wow, I don't think that is appropriate at all for 7 year olds on Xcel (any message other than "so happy you got out there!"). These negative feelings will burn the kids out. They are just children and learning to do it. You can't expect anything you will be disappointed in essentially.

So I would keep an eye on it and make sure your dd isn't affected negatively by it. You could also directly ask the coaches and just say you heard some different versions and wanted to clarify.

 

[iwannacoach]

Geez, there have been meets when I had to say they'd had a done great. But..... other times I'd tell them, as a team, they can do better and they had left a lot in the training gym, but on Monday find a private moment to tell each of them how excited pleased I was that they did x or y or z better than they'd ever done it. I know the mantra is to praise publicly and criticize in private, but I think private praise brings with it the emphasis that their improvement, or resilience, or determination, or team spirit meant (at the meet) a lot to me. I think that makes it so much more genuine than a ceremonial ticking off of what everyone did at the meet.

That may border on old school philosophy but I've seen it both ways and can honestly say there's a price for everything. If you want to do gymnastics and compete at meets, you gotta train hard if you want to walk into a meet with a sense of confidence. Most kids need a nudge of steep expectation to get to that level of preparation, but when they are prepared they often come out of each meet with something significant to smile about.

So I guess you could consider the possibility that there are two distinctly different truths to be heard when a coach says, "I have nothing but praise for your daughter."

 

[twinmomma]

I agree it's a bit much for a 7 yr old however she's the youngest. Our Xcel team is literally 7-17. And that was the messaging to the whole team. Like I said. My daughter seemed to take it in stride but others and clearly some of the parents did not. We have three more meets plus state and then our intention is to move to JO level 3. If she does well there and moves to 4 we will switch gyms.

I'm fully aware of the other gyms in our area. The problem at the moment is a) DD doesn't do change well and is mortified at the thought of leaving her gym and b) our gym right now is literally a mile from my work and 7 miles from our house and any other choice is triple that. So it's a huge decision. We are happy with the level 3 coach so I'm comfortable staying another year.

 

[LizzieLac]

So, I've seen a little of both at our gym. It is hard to please the coaches, so when you do, you KNOW it. Praise is not dished out often/freely, but there is never talk of being "disappointed" in the kids. Everyone knows you can't control how other teams score, and sometimes you can't control not performing well yourself. However, the coaches expect complete focus at a meet so you can do your best, and to "over prepare" in the gym. If you don't do that, then disappointment makes sense. Being disappointed over a placement you can't control does not happen. But using their desire to get a better placement can be used as commentary for why we need to work hard in the gym.

We do have a "9.0 club" where anyone who gets a 9 or better gets recognized. And the coaches always tell the kids they did a good job after they complete a routine in a meet. But the bottom line is, there isn't any false praise, and any praise you get you really earned because the coaches had high expectations. The kids know not to expect lots of gushy "you are so great" talk. I think that is fairly common in this sport...

 

[twinmomma]

I agree that this is to be expected in the sport. I really like the 9.0 club idea. I may bring that up to our gym.

At the meet itself I saw a lot of praise from the coaches, even our tough as nails one. She hugged the girls who had a tough time and she smiled and praised the ones who did well and I was pleased with what I saw. So I wonder if what people are expecting was doled out at the meet but isn't to be expected in the gym at all.

 

[Bajanswife]

Our coach never shows disappointment in placement, and she tries to display every banner even though they may be 5th, 6th, 7th place team etc. Placement is so out of a gymnast's control - it depends who else is competing and how "on" they were that day. The coach knows her kids - she knows what to expect in terms of execution of routines, based on the weeks leading up to the meet. If any of them don't perform as expected, she knows they going to be more disappointed in themselves than she could ever be, so she need not mention anything. If she does say anything negative it will usually be directly to a kid who may have not performed well due to not working hard enough leading up to the meet, and she just wants to make sure the kid makes the connection.

The kids who really mess up get the biggest hugs from the coach immediately after their performance - they really need it then. No-one goes out there and messes up on purpose, and it can be devastating to a gymnast who is trying their best and something just goes wrong. No need to dwell on it at the next practice.

 

[cbifoja]

just asked my DD and she said they barely ever talk about a meet, good or bad. She said that after she finishes a routine, before the next girl goes, the coach will give some corrections or say good job but that they don't every really talk about how the whole team did after the meet is over. We don't go to a lot of meets that give banners, but all team trophies go up on the shelves in the gym. We also have a 9.0 and 9.5 club that is set up like a sticker chart in the gym but you can't see who is in it from the lobby. LOL

 

[rjb123]

DD has said that they don't really talk about the meets once they leave the meet itself. It is RARE for something to be brought up after it is all over. DD was over the moon when her coach told her she was proud of her for winning an event at states. It just is generally not discussed (at least to the girls). That said, it is pretty obvious how the coaches feel about meet performances post meet. They seem to hammer them HARD with the conditioning if coaches are not happy. Or they will ride them on an event that didn't score well. That sort of thing. So everyone knows they are not happy, but they don't SAY it with words. LOL.

 

[thefellowsmom]

I was curious so asked my dd. She said after every routine she gets a hug and a good job whether it went well or not. Then at the next practice during line up (they all line up and the coach talks at the beginning and end of each practice, full with salute and such) the coach will give some teamwide feedback of what went well and what didn't but all in a positive manner, never degrading. They may also give an individual feedback on a skill or change on a certain event. Like you were doing this wrong in your routine so go do five more of those the right way after giving some individualized instruction. But never degrading. This is my daughter's take on things anyway.

But with this said, I find that different girls take what the coaches say in different ways. I have seen the same words floor and girl and send her home in tears while another thinks everything was fine. There are girls that are terrified of certain coaches while others love their style.

My dd tends to be on the latter end of that. She can take quite a bit from her coaches as she knows fully that they are trying to make her better and that is what is most important to her. They are also affectionate and praising with her as well so the balance helps to keep the negativity in perspective. I think how a parent reacts and frames it for the child makes a huge difference as well.

But, a seven year old little girl in excel should never be told by her coach that she is disappointing them. That just seems a bit much and possibly harming to a certain type of kid.

 

[iwannacoach]

I find that different girls take what the coaches say in different ways. I have seen the same words floor and girl and send her home in tears while another thinks everything was fine. There are girls that are terrified of certain coaches while others love their style.

My dd tends to be on the latter end of that. She can take quite a bit from her coaches as she knows fully that they are trying to make her better and that is what is most important to her. They are also affectionate and praising with her as well so the balance helps to keep the negativity in perspective. I think how a parent reacts and frames it for the child makes a huge difference as well.

And to think I thought your daughter was the fast learner in the family. Well I guess there's always room for two quick studies in a single family.