WAG rewarding the team with allergenic food

[Mom2G&D]

I don't normally post (I just lurk), but after reading through this thread, I feel compelled to do so.

If a team is offering it's members a REWARD for effort,etc. it is typically being used to motivate the team members to work harder, perform better, etc. If a reward is offered to the entire team, then the reward should be something the entire team should be able to partake in. That reward does not ever have to be food (and in my opinion, should not for a variety of reasons besides allergies). But, if it is food... to a child, it's not simply "the evening" that fulfils the promise of the reward - it's obtaining what was stated AS the reward. If the stated reward is not inclusive of everyone.... change the reward!

This was not a birthday party.... or even a team party. It was a "Team Reward." That changes everything. And, while the OP is upset, most kids would feel the same way in her daughters shoes... even if their mothers weren't "influencing" them to be upset.

I simply cannot fathom why you all expect that a child should have to handle feeling left out, but coaches/booster club volunteers (or whomever organized this REWARD) shouldn't be expected to spend a few extra minutes to come up with a reward that can be shared by everyone on the team.

For the record... my children do not have food allergies.... but they would question why their teammate that do (and they all know who they are) couldn't or wouldn't be able to participate in a reward event. Espcecially when the organizers have so many opportunities to do right by these kids and come up with solutions that work for everyone - food or otherwise.

 

[kayjaybe]

I like the idea of you and the other moms of kids w/food allergies getting together and forming a committee of sorts. This will help bring more visibility to the issue and should also ensure that any food purchased truly is safe. Even if you are buying for an allergy that your child doesn't have, just the fact that your child HAS a severe allergy makes you (or any of the other similar moms) in a much better position to make sure the food is safe.

I do try to be cognizant of appropriate treats when sent into school, but honestly, I hadn't thought about it at the gym. I'm not aware of anyone with any sort of allergies, but that doesn't mean they aren't there. Your posting this has raised my awareness and I'm going to bring up to our parents' club that we should determine if there are any allergies and be sure we are properly accounting for them in food-related activities.

And to me, a food allergy is different than a personal or family preference. If you don't want your Susie to eat sugar, that's fine, but I'm not making sugar-free cupcakes for my dd's birthday. That is a preference and Susie doesn't have to join in. But if your Susie is allergic to dairy, I will certainly do my best to choose a treat that is safe for her and all the other girls.

 

[Gymsanity]

"Mama said neber talk 'bout polotics, Mama said neber talk 'bout religion, but Mama neber say nothin 'bout food allergies.........Better call Mama.........

 

[mommyof1]

I like the idea of you and the other moms of kids w/food allergies getting together and forming a committee of sorts. This will help bring more visibility to the issue and should also ensure that any food purchased truly is safe. Even if you are buying for an allergy that your child doesn't have, just the fact that your child HAS a severe allergy makes you (or any of the other similar moms) in a much better position to make sure the food is safe.

This. There was a kid with severe nut and peanut allergies in my daughter's class last year. Because it was important to his mom that he eat the same food as everyone else at class parties, she volunteered to be the room mother. She asked that all the party food be store-bought, not homemade, and had parents send it in ahead of time so she could read the labels. This actually drew more attention to the allergy than it would have if the mom had just quietly sent in a safe treat for her child, but it made her happy and didn't really inconvenience anyone else. In fact, it took the pressure off the rest of the moms to create the perfect home-baked treat.

 

[emorymom]

I simply cannot fathom why you all expect that a child should have to handle feeling left out, but coaches/booster club volunteers (or whomever organized this REWARD) shouldn't be expected to spend a few extra minutes to come up with a reward that can be shared by everyone on the team.

THANK YOU. There are good suggestions in this thread too.

You know here's an another easy solution for people too lazy to care about the children who know they are the ones not in the lucky clique of getting rewarded with food by their gym.

Still have your pizza parties, but stop giving the pizza away. Do this:

We will have our party. If you want to order the communal food it will be $6 per person in advance / $2 per person for unlimited soft drinks, juice or milk. Or bring your own food and/or drinks.

Take the money you save buying food for the lucky majority, and use it to buy enough different types of dessert that EVERYONE gets to celebrate. Or just buy all the kids a special t-shirt!

What bothers my kids, I cannot fix by bringing them their own food nor really should I. What bothers them is that the INSTITUTION is giving the other kids something cool and giving them nothing cool, when they worked just as hard and were just as good team members.

 

[Faith]

The reward is not the food. Your kids might think it is because they constantly have to consider what they eat, but it's not. .

I'm kind of finding it difficult to see how the focus could be the food at these events . I've never come across a team event where people go only for the food- or food is directly attributed as the reward for working hard. As I said earlier, all these sorts of events I've come across- annual banquets, presentation evenings and the like, are more "come and celebrate our successful season/hard work in a social situation, away from the pool/gym".

How did they advertise the evening? Pizza only for those who've worked hard/won races? MVP gets an ice cream sundae? To be honest I think it's a bit off not attending an event because of the food- it's more than that, surely? You go to chat and see your team mates, and celebrate with them. Otherwise they might as well just give everyone a voucher for the local pizza place and not bother running the event at all.

I dunno. I guess I really can't see how it would work, my brain doesn't compute. If my work laid on a beer and mussels in a Belgian bar as as a team reward, I'd go, have fun with my colleagues, pay for my own soft drinks and grab some chips on the way home. I wouldn't expect them to cater for me- usually you get a bulk discount and any thing other than the bulk stuff puts the whole event out of budget.

 

[emorymom]

I'm kind of finding it difficult to see how the focus could be the food at these events .

You have either not been an 8 year old boy or cannot imagine being an 8 year old boy.

 

[2G1B]

One other thing I'd like to say has been hinted out or suggested; but I want to stress it.

Are the people putting this on paid employees, or volunteers?

I have had many volunteer positions. I often find that people LOVE to complain that us volunteers have not done what we should/could do; but then those people aren't volunteering to make it better. They want OTHERS to make it better. I have thrown an end of year pizza/pool party for my kids' team before. People complained about the night of the week. They complained about the time. They complained about the location. Then they complained about not enough pizza for their team kids plus how ever many siblings they brought to tag along. Do they offer to take on some responsibilities? No. They just complain.

If you aren't happy with how this sort of thing is handled, offer to be a volunteer to help organize. I really would guess that they thought that when they ordered a pizza that it would be enough for your kids. You have said that the other gluton free kids don't come to these things. So if *I* were placing the order I would totally think that ordering 1 pizza for two kids would be enough. And let's face it, you can get a sheet cake from Costco for CHEAP. If you want to get a gluten free cake to feed 100 kids it is going to be extremely expensive.

I feel strongly that where volunteers are involved, don't complain. Volunteer. If you aren't happy with how something is done, volunteer so that you can help get it done in a better way.

And personally, I try to just have a variety of fruit out at anything that I'm in charge of - If you offer watermelon, grapes, apples, bananas... there should be *something* that all of the kids can eat. It might not be a full meal; but it is something.

 

[B&M's mom]

I'm sorry that you are feeling upset over the experience. I get the sense that there was no intention of excluding your kids from the celebration. The fact that they inquired where to get the pizza suggests that there was an intent to include them. Not having GF kids, I personally would not know that pizzas may come in a different size than standard Gluten pizzas. Perhaps the organizers also did not. The organizers may also not have thought about the cake issue. You mentioned that you gave them suggestions about the pizza, they may have assumed that the cake was o.k. as not everyone knows what products contain gluten. Your daughter's award was probably just an oversight. Knowing the coaches at my daughters' gyms, they wouldn't even think about any food issues my kids have.

It sounds like there may have been a lack of understanding as to what was acceptable for GF kids rather than a desire to exclude your kids. You may want to become more involved in helping to plan these types of activities so that the other parents can learn what is and is not acceptable.

Thank you for raising this issue. Our booster club is having a bake sale in a couple of weeks and I was going to try to make some gluten free things. I had no idea that using my regular pans could raise issues. It certainly is food for thought.

 

[my4buffaloes]

People that do not have food issues do not understand and cannot fathom dealing with them. Therefore they have no clue how to handle them. You should not expect whoever may be running that particular event to know how to deal with not only your child's food issues, but everyone's that might be attending. YOU have to make sure that there will be something there for your children to eat. In this case it would have been finding out who was handling the food and properly educating them (nicely) on what needed to be ordered to accommodate whatever you wanted accommodated. I think it is fair for them to provide the safe equivalent for your children. But you can't expect them to know what that is. You have to educate them and help them. Otherwise how do you even know it is safe for them to eat?

For instance for our team banquet I asked in advance if there would be food that my dd could eat. I spoke several times with the owner of the gym about her food allergies. After he checked with the place they arranged a meal for my dd. When I walked in the door the owner flagged me down and said to let him know when my dd was ready to eat and they would bring out her meal. Her teammates thought it was very cool actually that they served her and she didn't have to go wait in line. And they were jealous of the meal she got compared to theirs. I handled it on the side ahead of time to make sure my dd would be covered.

Unfortunately having a child with food allergies is more work and more money for the families but it is what it is and no one can change that. If you spend your life getting angry at people that don't accommodate your children you will be miserable. My dd is 12 now and I have seen so much change in how food allergies are handled now compared to when she was a baby. We have made a world of progress but there is still a long way to go.

 

[emorymom]

Thank you for raising this issue. Our booster club is having a bake sale in a couple of weeks and I was going to try to make some gluten free things. I had no idea that using my regular pans could raise issues. It certainly is food for thought.

That is wonderful. If you are going to study cross contamination, etc. and do a nice safe product, please mention it on the label. The families will be appreciative. I do not let my son have homemade food from untrained cooks. It's complicated. If you contact a dedicated gluten-free bakery, they may be happy to donate some product for your sale.

 

[emorymom]

Link Removed However warning, I made a request and never heard back. So you may not get donations from these larger factories.

 

[Faith]

You have either not been an 8 year old boy or cannot imagine being an 8 year old boy.

I just can't imagine me or my kids thinking that someone not catering to them, as the minority, means they're being left out or others are more important. It's the party that's the celebration and they'd be only too pleased to be going.

I would see it, and expect them to see it, as the caterers not understanding their needs. They must come across it frequently enough not to take it as a personal affront?

And as has been pointed out, use it as an opportunity to educate, rather than just boycotting events. That won't change anything- if your GF families had showed at previous events, by now they may know that GF pizza comes up smaller, or they need 2 or 3, and that regular cake isn't GF.

 

[CoachGoofy]

I just can't imagine me or my kids thinking that someone not catering to them, as the minority, means they're being left out or others are more important. It's the party that's the celebration and they'd be only too pleased to be going.

This statement and others like it (not picking on you. More like despairing over a whole lot of the board) are the kind of things people who are the majority can blithely say because it doesn't effect them.

Food is, in fact, a large part ofcelebrations, culturally. It is thoughtless to not think about everyone in procuring food for a celebration. I'm, like, dying of microaggressions here & I've been off my impossible diet for years (which booster clubs managed to accomodate, incidentally. And it was way more intense than a celiac diet). We're adults. We have a different mindset than children. And even as an adult, a group deciding to go somewhere I couldn't eat was really hurtful, they KNEW better.

I'm also really astonished that people think that 'not making someone sick' is special treatment. Now I am seeing why my epileptic little self can't go anywhere because of flashing--because not hurting people is apparently special treatment.

Disappointed like woah in a lot of people. Kind of despairing, really, for everyone with slightly different needs. There are a lot of caring people here, but this particular sticking point being dismissed like this? I cannot imagine I am the only person finding it hurtful, and I am an adult!

 

[Faith]

I'm not saying it isn't hurtful- I can completely understand why it is.

However if you have any sort of special requirement or medical condition, the general majority will not "get it". They won't understand the severity of the consequences.

i have catered my child's own birthday party entirely gluten free for one guest. It's easy if you know how, and there is absolutely no reason why it can't be accommodated. But you have to know how. Dietary requirements are very complicated and the uninitiated just don't know where to start..

It doesn't sound like these people did know better, they tried, but got it wrong. So next time don't just tell them suzie is Gf and expect people to know what to do. Tell them you have 6 Gf kids, this shop does pizza, they come up small, so you'll need 3. Ask if they want you to source and order a cake, and bill it to them. You're the expert, think back to the learning curve you went through on first diagnosis...this is what you're expecting from that poor volunteer mom in a few days...

Teach your kids that people won't always get their condition, it's not personal, but they may need to fight their corner sometimes and tell people what they need in advance, so they have time to work things out.

Of course there's always the possibility that they just couldn't be bothered, in which case I'd feel exactly like the o/p.

 

[Aussie_coach]

One of the biggest proble,s that we even have in society today is that adults use food rewards for kids. It's not just an issue for kids who have allergies and intolerances. When adults reward kids with unhealthy food, then the kids pick up on that vibe and food becomes the rewards, the treat and the comforter.

In many western countries 50% of the population are overweight. You can just dismiss it, and say oh well these kids are gymnasts they aren't going to be in the 50%. But many will, a lot of gymnasts struggle seriously with their weight after they retire from the sport. They go from training a lot of hours to doing maybe a little of something else and their dietary habits on training 20 hours a week are often set.

when we reward kids with unhealthy food we are sending them a message that unhealthy food is a good thing. Even if they don't struggle with weight it does not mean they won't struggle with poor health. Gymnasts body is their tool and if it is not cared for properly it won't function properly.

Again people may say, oh but it's just a one off. But the message you are sending them is clear and as they get older and begin to control their own diets, they remember that this food makes them feel good and it stops being a once off thing.

Between this and the food allergies and intolerances surely people can find other ways to rewards the kids. Maybe the they can't think of any ideas.

try taking the team rock climbing, for a day at the pool, have a a fun open gym day, have a team sleepover, have a disco at the gym, have a games day at training, hire a jumping castle for the day, give them all a small goody bag or prize.

 

[gymgal]

. Disappointed like woah in a lot of people. Kind of despairing, really, for everyone with slightly different needs. There are a lot of caring people here, but this particular sticking point being dismissed like this? I cannot imagine I am the only person finding it hurtful, and I am an adult!

many of us did acknowledge that OP brought up a good point to increase awareness to parents and coaches. However, many of us (including me) have kids with special dietary needs and we still don't agree with the over-the-top complaint of the OP. In addition to having had my own kids with special diets, i work with many kids with varying special needs and varying diet restrictions. There is a definite correlation between the parents' attitudes and the child's. You teach them early on that parties are for celebrating with friends. It is not about the food. If you believe it and present it positively, your kids will follow suit.

Just as other parents in charge of the food need to be taught inclusion and the rules, the affected children also need to be taught to have tolerance and patience, because they will be coming across this all their lives. If they get frustrated and angry every time it happens, they will live a very sad life. Or they can see the "good" in peoples' efforts, even if they don't fully meet their needs, and they will have a more positive view and life. And yes, an 8 yr old (and much younger) can be taught this. Help them see that the volunteers made the effort and that mom forgot to talk to them about a cake (regardless of whether you talked to them about it or not). You present it so that the child sees that the team made an effort (b/c they did) and they do care about them.

Many families tell their kids up front before the party "no cake, cookies, ice cream, etc" so there will be no disappointment once they are there. They already know the rules. The families feel better doing it this way because they don't have to worry about contamination.

In the case yesterday that I used to illustrate, I just had the I think reasonable expectation that since they were getting GF pizza and I had RSVPd twice that I was happy to and wanting to buy (parents paid cash for their slices, kids' pizza was included in their team membership) GF slices like the other parents were buying pizza, that I would not have to make special arrangements for my own dinner.

I can understand the disappointment particularly if you were hungry. But just as you had the expectation that it would be taken care of, they people who ordered had the expectation that 1 pizza for 3 people would have been plenty. If they have never ordered before, they would have know idea it was smaller than other pizzas, particularly given its cost. Chalk it up for lesson learned. Next time, instruct them that there are only __ servings per pie. This was not their fault. It was lack of information given to them. You mentioned earlier that they could have just ordered more GF and anyone could have had it. And while you may feel that a GF product is no different in terms of food enjoyment, others may not feel the same. Or may not know and just assume that a substitute is not as good. Think soy pudding to real pudding... Besides, its much more expensive.

 

[txgymfan]

" You know here's an another easy solution for people too lazy to care about the children who know they are the ones not in the lucky clique of getting rewarded with food by their gym. "

Emerymom I understand your point. Really I do. However I find the above quote offensive. I care for children. I love other peoples children and work with and on their behalf and have since I was 10. I do not purchase food for them or let them try mine partially because I don't want them to eat the wrong thing and be liable for it.

No one that I know that works with kids is "lazy". We all work hard and try our best to accommodate your children in a variety of ways but sometimes it does not work. Those of us without food allergies ( nevemind " preferences") are not a "clique". We are not banding together to talk about how to exclude your child. If you think so little of your child's coaches why do you trust then with their life?

People reward with food all the time with the best of intentions. I don't like chocolate at all, I have been rewareded with chocolate many times by bosses. I accept it and move on. I have since I was a little kid.
​

 

[gymgal]

And for the record, i totally agree that those donuts every Wednesday certainly were inappropriate - food allergy or not. I agree, as a country, we really have to get beyond using food as a reward - particularly in sports, but really in all aspects. It just sends the wrong message. And while I am fully aware that my gymnast dd's body can handle a piece of candy or a donut fairly regularly, there are much better ways to reward. And given that I come from a family of emotional eaters, I have worked really hard to not let that cycle develop in my kids. So, we talk often about when coaches and instructors use food as a reward. And it appears to be working because they often will politely decline (though not everyone, and I'm ok with that). as they get older, they are seeing the reward comes from they feeling of accomplishment and pleasing their coaches/parents, not from the sugar rush...

 

[emorymom]

I said that to make a point.

Hopefully I have.

There are many people who just truly don't care how exclusionary it is to TEAM MEMBERS to buy tasty junky party food for some people on the team but not for others. They can explain exactly why that is ... when it could likely be solved with a phone call and ten minutes of caring. But they don't. Lazy is probably the most flattering explanation.

I will give you an example of a team *mom* for whom LAZY is the most flattering explanation possible.

My son was bullied incessantly by a nasty group of 3 boys (group size 4) he trained with for over a year and a half, one of the biggest regrets of my life but my son's not really bully fodder and I just thought it would eventually work out. Ha-ha on me to his detriment. He was about 2 years younger than the youngest and had to train with them.

On top of this, one of the boys' moms worked in a bakery. She without any kind of notice to me (hello? cell phones?) bring leftovers from her bakery for the 3 boys to eat in front of him at the end of practice. My son was 6-7 at the time. Is a total sweet hound. Was a newly diagnosed celiac. Coaches allowed this.

I suppose it's possible she was just ignorant and pig-headed and thought his celiac disease was some kind of fad, and by torturing my son emotionally, would get me to snap out of my bizarre diet for him.

Thank GOD I am nowhere near any of those people any more.

Nor is my son at a gym where the culture is to reward with wheat. But if I saw a coach do that to my kid over and over, I would, yes, have a severe problem with it. As I do with the culture of the summer swim team.