Parents Scratch over confidence issues?

[2gymkids]

I obviously don't know you're daughter, but I wouldn't assume it's not because she's not the best at something. I know for mine, uptraining= major stress and that just impacts the rest of her gymnastics.

When she's crying because of something she lost (which is unfortunately frequently over the past six months), I hug her, let her cry and basically say "I know you're frustrated. I'm really sorry you're struggling and I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it better, I really do. I don't know much about gymnastics, though, so the only thing I can do is hug you and tell you to go into the gym every day and listen to your coaches, and have faith that it will come back, because it always does." I hold her until she gets through the worst of the crying, then I crack a joke, and we move on. I used to try to avoid the tears but if I just let them come she kind of releases and moves on a lot better.

Trust me, I get it. My daughter is so similar. There are times when I have just thought WHY!?! Why I am sacrificing so much time and money to have a kid crying about some stupid skill after practice? But the next day she goes back. And maybe it's still gone. Or maybe it's not. But she doesn't ever not want to go, to be there with her friends and working hard.

And if your daughter thinks the world will end if she falls off of beam, well, hopefully she falls off of beam and realizes it doesn't. I know that sounds awful, but my kiddo has learned so much more from the bad meets than she has from the good. You need to have good, supportive coaches behind it, but it's ok to fail. If her coaches think she's not ready to compete, then that's fine, but otherwise try not to stress out about it. I get it, it's SO easier said than done, but it will be ok. And if she eventually quits, then that's fine, too. But I wouldn't let it be at this point, personally.

 

[duyetanh]

So how did it go?
Did she surprise herself, and do better than she thought she would?

 

[NutterButter]

I hate to say this.....but only because of the attitude she seems to be showing you, and becauss of knowing how things have gone for her the past few years i might call her bluff. Ok, well if that is how you feel about it in terms of quitting, i will support you. Ok, you have lost them. Do the best you can, and who cares....you can try for better scores the next meet.

I love this entire post! I agree with all of it and say similar things to my DD all the time.

OP - our DDs sound so similar! I've had the exact same conversation with my DD before. Hugs. I know it's exhausting.

 

[mommyof1]

So how did it go?
Did she surprise herself, and do better than she thought she would?

I would call it a successful failure. Vault and beam were a total disaster and floor and bars were okay-ish but not nearly her best. But she accepted her participation medal gracefully even though she finds such medals deeply offensive, was really sweet to a teammate who was upset, and halfway through the ride home randomly piped up from the backseat with "It's great how you can have a terrible meet and then half an hour later just not care about it anymore." Her coaches were amazing. After awards (which they watched, ha ha) they gathered the girls into a huddle, did their little secret team spirit ritual, and told them they were proud of all of them. Then Coach spoke with Tink individually to tell her how impressed she has been with how hard she's working in practice, praise a specific thing she did well, and tell her that they are just going to go back to the gym and keep working hard.

You were all right--she needed to compete and fall off that beam and see that the world didn't end. I am hopeful that she will be able to recover from this disappointment much more readily than past ones. This week's practices should help; many of the girls will be out of town and low turnout + post-meet week means that things are likely to be extra fun and relaxed in the gym.

 

[duyetanh]

It sounds like it really went well overall...i swear failure is the first step in success...good for her, and great on you mom, also!

 

[Flyaway]

and halfway through the ride home randomly piped up from the backseat with "It's great how you can have a terrible meet and then half an hour later just not care about it anymore."

I have to LOL at this because this sort of stuff KILLS me. One of my kiddos will be struggling with something, and I'll spend HOURS of mental energy thinking about how to help them through. I mean DAYS... only to have them turn around and be like, "eh. It's all good." I mean, good for them, figuring out life and all, but geeze! Momin' is hard yo.

Truly, I'm glad it worked out ok for her and I hope her LOST SKILLS come back soon.

 

[mommyof1]

I have to LOL at this because this sort of stuff KILLS me. One of my kiddos will be struggling with something, and I'll spend HOURS of mental energy thinking about how to help them through. I mean DAYS... only to have them turn around and be like, "eh. It's all good." I mean, good for them, figuring out life and all, but geeze! Momin' is hard yo.

Truly, I'm glad it worked out ok for her and I hope her LOST SKILLS come back soon.

So true! Sometimes I think kids use parents as dumping grounds for their negative energy. They free themselves from their negativity by saddling us with it.

And her LOST SKILLS all came back at practice the Friday before the meet. She did not land the cartwheel at the meet and the vault had, shall we say, issues, but she has decided she has the skills back. Sigh.

 

[MILgymFAM]

So true! Sometimes I think kids use parents as dumping grounds for their negative energy. They free themselves from their negativity by saddling us with it.

Oh yes, so much this! My YDD regularly comes out of dance cranky and upset and proceeds to dump all her negativity on me. She’ll say the teacher made her do so-and-so differently than everyone else, or called her to the front, or what have you.. and when I press she’ll say that the teachers words were about “when you’re dancing in college” or “when you audition for broadway”.. and I’ll point out those are great connotations the teacher has toward her, and that she’s pushing her because she wants to develop her talent, and I get, no, I can’t do X so I’m a terrible dancer. Sigh. Some kids are just wired to be more negative, I think.. or hard on themselves at least- she’s never negative about other people. Ha.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

"It's great how you can have a terrible meet and then half an hour later just not care about it anymore." Her coaches were amazing.

That is the win............................... She now knows the world didn't end

Bravo for her.

Still remember my kids first "blown" meet. And fall on the beam. Her Dad said something on the way home about how it wasn't her best day and then started talking about the positives And she was..... "Dad, its just gymnastics, not world war or anything."

 

[duyetanh]

Obviously you handled it great.
Now...how much wine or chocolate did you inhale? Lol!
I think parenting in terms of this sport is very different than many other sports, because we just cant get what they are going through really, or understand half of what they are doing (or need to do in order to get what they need to, haha). Even if we were gymnasts in previous decades (Not me!), the sport has changed so much...and KIDS have changed so much. Puberty comes earlier, mean girl crap comes earlier, skills get harder earlier....and thus the mental sh*t comes earlier! Honestly, any kid to actually make it to level 4 and compete it is now at a very high stress level mentally. These kids are talented as athletes, but the uptraining or awareness of what is to come gives room for huge freak out potential. The drop off from 4 to 5 is quite high. Yes I am sure there is a drop off from 3 to 4, but the stats cant really show it, because many gyms out there dont compete until level 4, so the numbers actually are higher....at least they were on the stat chart i looked at, my apologies if google mislead me.

Stats aside, after level 4, the flips start. And that is a big deal mentally for many girls out there. It sounds like Tink has some great coaches to help her through the process, and that she is starting to realize that she needs to trust the process. I would call her past meet a HUGE win. Because afterall, it isnt about winning in sports. Its about winning in life.

 

[mommyof1]

Now...how much wine or chocolate did you inhale? Lol!

There may or may not have been some preemptive consumption of wine the night before her session. Also cookies during.

 

[2gymkids]

Obviously you handled it great.
Now...how much wine or chocolate did you inhale? Lol!
I think parenting in terms of this sport is very different than many other sports, because we just cant get what they are going through really, or understand half of what they are doing (or need to do in order to get what they need to, haha). Even if we were gymnasts in previous decades (Not me!), the sport has changed so much...and KIDS have changed so much. Puberty comes earlier, mean girl crap comes earlier, skills get harder earlier....and thus the mental sh*t comes earlier! Honestly, any kid to actually make it to level 4 and compete it is now at a very high stress level mentally. These kids are talented as athletes, but the uptraining or awareness of what is to come gives room for huge freak out potential. The drop off from 4 to 5 is quite high. Yes I am sure there is a drop off from 3 to 4, but the stats cant really show it, because many gyms out there dont compete until level 4, so the numbers actually are higher....at least they were on the stat chart i looked at, my apologies if google mislead me.

Stats aside, after level 4, the flips start. And that is a big deal mentally for many girls out there. It sounds like Tink has some great coaches to help her through the process, and that she is starting to realize that she needs to trust the process. I would call her past meet a HUGE win. Because afterall, it isnt about winning in sports. Its about winning in life.

You're so right. My Level 4 is already stressed thinking about 5, if she'll continue, backwards skills on the beam. I try to tell her just to worry about one season at a time and we can talk about all of that when the season is over, but that impending stress is still there and it definitely impacts her. It's crazy- I can't imagine I was ever that stressed out about anything at that age.

Mommyof1- glad everyone got through the meet and it sounds like some lessons learned. Now, onward!