Parents sensitive issue- your support and advice please

[Galadriel]

DD (age 18) found out some personal sensitive info about HC (first hand) - nothing to do with the gym or any gymnasts. Nothing 'bad' (although some people are very judgemental)
DD feels very uncomfortable with the knowlege she has gained and says it has changed how she views HC.
We have known HC via gym for 10 years. HC really nice, done a lot for DD, more than 'needed' to, good coach.
This info is known by several people now. So is bound to get out.
When it does there will be big reactions. Including senior coach thinking of starting another club. This coach wants DD. DD keen to go.
Feel very very conflicted as the gym has been brilliant for DD and there is no reason really to change. Senior coach is better technically and is DD's personal coach. New venture may not take off as not enough potential new gymmies to have 2 in the area. (so if we left and it fails - nowhere to go).
Dread the bad feeling which is bound to occur.

What would you do?

 

[MaryA]

How very difficult for you! I think it's really important that we teach our children to be tollerant of others. If she feels uncomfortable because this coach is different in some way, it may be important that you stick to your guns here. She may be uncomfortable for a while, but in the end she will learn that, what she thought was a big deal, really isn't, and that this is still the same coach she's known and loved for years. It may be tough on everyone, but it sounds like this coach deserves to have you and your DD standing on her side when the... stuff... hits the fan. And it's a good chance to teach your daughter about loyalty and tollerance.

 

[gymjourneymom]

I just read a quote recently "Children learn in 3 ways: from watching their parents, from watching their parents & from watching their parents". Teaching/learning "tolerance" starts at home, one child at a time. Let it begin with yours & mine!

 

[Galadriel]

We had a long talk yesterday about the situation, and i did put the perspective of HC over and although she isnt prejudiced about such things, and 'gets it' she does feel bad (- it is a bit more complicated than i have put over. )

I would prefer her to stay with current gym and HC too though...

 

[gymjourneymom]

Your DD is 18yrs old, is she in college or headed there soon? As she strikes out into the world she is going to encounter all types of people. She doesn't have to love them all or make friends with them all. Just tolorate them. Good luck in dealing with this sticky situation!

 

[ek2]

This is a tough situation. Gymnastics is so much of a mental sport. Will the information your daughter has obtained decrease her trust in her coach? It is definitely important to accept people where they are, but if it is something that will be so distracting for her it might not be a good fit. Of course I do not know the whole situation but that would be my primary concern.

 

[Galadriel]

I haven’t really given enough information here because I don’t want to give details. It really isn’t anything to do with tolerance or learning tolerance.
My issue is feeling worried about dd wanting to go with the other coach, and the horrible situation our little ‘gym family’ will all go through including hc and all the families, how it will bring the worst out in people when things are really none of anyones business. Also obviously future repercussions for dd if she leaves. When hc knew dd knew the response was apparently cutting and uncaring which hurt dd more than anything. She doesn’t judge people different to her, it is disappointment and almost a betrayal feeling much akin she says to if she found out I had had a secret within our family that I was covering up and she found out, and I couldn’t care less.
I guess it sounds extreme, but it is almost like a bereavement for who she thought this person was (who she has very strong positive feelings for) – definitely a learning curve.

Anyway – not to worry CB’ers I guess I wanted to offload!

 

[3rd_time_around]

Tolerence is not the issue here, its how dd will be able to do her gymnastics in a safe, un-distracting environment. Its not a political stance, its 20+ hrs a week being in a place that she must be comfortable in. Its a hard pill for some to swallow, but you can't force people into tolerance ("the ability or willingness to tolerate something, in particular the existence of opinions or behavior that one does not necessarily agree with"). I'm not up for a political discussion on this thread either, I'm just throwing in my 2 cent worth for OP. I would have to say proceed with caution, because if you're in any place like us, there is only one gym to train at. (If we left for a new venture that failed, we'd be stuck.) But you never know, it could just start small and grow, too. You have to weigh every option, but the one carrying the most weight would be your dd's training and her desires.

 

[Gymnasticgrandkids]

I either have not read the post well enough or maybe the information is not there(or maybe your first lines said it), but my concern is...whatever this is that you have learned would not put her in any danger because she is a girl and is in a sport where there is a lot of close, as well as trusted, contact? Right? If not and it is something like, for instance, oh, they committed fraud or robbery or something that they have paid their dues for, then I say forgiveness if very important. And, if you guys can get up the courage to approach the HC (after everyone has left or pass a note to meet later or something) and let him know your concerns, etc. that may help smooth things a bit. I may be way off base but I usually find that talking things out works better than the gossip that goes around...

 

[Deleted member D3987]

wow! i guess i can now post in the parent section. i am a parent!! this is great...so many times i've wanted to opine here and could not because i didn't know how to.

so, i'll make an educated guess that the concern/debate has to do with this coach's sexual preference. shouldn't make a difference. you're either good or you're not. we have many walks of life as coaches worldwide, as well as here in the US, in the sport of gymnastics. and it doesn't help their community/coaches if they remain veiled, cloaked and closeted.

if i'm correct in my assumption the "senior coach" (?) needs to get a life. and your daughter should go with who she trusts to take care of her gymnastics. and your "rock and a hard place" is that you will have to choose either way. my hope is that a sexual preference issue would NOT be the determinant factor.

 

[Sunobo]

I personally would proabably chose to stay in current gym and see how things once the storm clears.

When hc knew dd knew the response was apparently cutting and uncaring which hurt dd more than anything. She doesn’t judge people different to her, it is disappointment and almost a betrayal feeling much akin she says to if she found out I had had a secret within our family that I was covering up and she found out, and I couldn’t care less.
I guess it sounds extreme, but it is almost like a bereavement for who she thought this person was (who she has very strong positive feelings for) – definitely a learning curve.

Without knowing all the people involved, this is just speculation. HC may have responded in the way he/she did for self protection. A defense mechanism in an attempt to downplay the situation and avoid any possible pain that be will felt by him/her when the stuff all hits the fan. It sounds like this person's business, reputation and character are about to be "attacked" and that is a tough situation to be in.

 

[gymjourneymom]

If you & your DD have known & I assume, trusted this coach for 10yrs, I don't understand how finding out about her personal life should change how she is viewed in anyone's eyes? I'm sure I don't know the whole story. But her personal life is just that, personal. If she is a good & trusted professional coach of 10yrs...I think she has proven herself. And you haven't mentioned that she has done anything unfitting of a professional coach. So unless some new aligations have been brought up, I just don't understand all the fuss? JMHO.

 

[RennaDanGym]

Just to put my two cents in I would let your DD decide based on her gymnastics. My DD has had some interesting coaches OUTSIDE of gym, but in the gym they were her favorite coaches that she felt safest with. In gymnastics you have to feel comfortable/safe with your coach. Whichever ever coach that is (Senior Coach/ or HC) that probably gives you a good idea on what you should do.

 

[Gymnasticgrandkids]

Wow dunno, if you're right I don't see the problem. Who cares what anyone's sexual preference might be, it doesn't effect the kind of person they are...and you are right, the only decision here is who is the best coach for your gymnast, that's the one to be teaching her.