Parents Sour grapes/navigating jealousy

[Committed]

Personally, I don't see all this insidiousness and shameful behavior.
Was it nice? No. 5th-6th graders can be very egocentric.

Gymnastics scoring as all about "what ifs". You've obviously looked at the scores at other age groupings and calculated "what ifs".
What about the "if only" thoughts? DD always comes up with...... "If I had just stuck my landing" or "if I didn't wobble on my turn" situations. She's always looking for extra tenths.

It's a bummer she can't celebrate her big win at gym. Most likely this will all be old news in a week. It's time to start training bigger and better skills!

 

[Deleted member 18037]

Impossible to figure out tone. But having been there done that, sometimes you have to call it what it is.

And sometimes its snarky and mean. Does it mean the kid is doomed forever to be mean, no, but its still mean. And they should be called on it as graciously as possible.

At the AT&T cup I had to deal with a parent talking about how well an athlete was doing because, "Oh they all do good, its in the genes."

Its a very dismissive comment. Kids have natural talents and gifts in different areas. And they still have to put in the work.

Its rude and condescending and at the very least insensitive. And I smiled and said I am sure that kid works their butt off and deserves every good score they are getting.

If more people were called on their "stuff", there would be less "stuff".

 

[kris]

My DD tends to be in the youngest age group, and it is usually tough! The year she was a level 7 she struggled as she was scoring higher than teammates who were getting 3, 4, or even 5 medals while she would come home with nothing. Three years into optionals, she now knows that it is what it is. She has also come to realize that she got medals in compulsories with lower scores than some of her teammates. The 6 year olds don't often have the polish of the 10-12 year olds when at the lowest levels. Plus she knows, if she stays with the sport into and through high school, she will eventually again be the one who benefits from how the age groups break down. I'm sorry her teammates made her feel less about her amazing accomplishment! State champ is state champ! Congrats to her!

 

[Bess]

Ehhh...ignore the naysayers and celebrate the win. I would however be prepared for backlash if any other kid gets sick in the gym with similar symptoms as your daughter. I think 24 hours symptom free is the guideline for being contagious

 

[B.Gold]

Enjoy the win but then ask yourself if it's possible to help these girls feel more like a team. I know with my dd's group if one succeeds, they all succeed, and when one fails they all fail. She's gotten lucky with an amazing group of girls who support each other but I know they work at it too.

Is it possible to help your dd navigate this by coaching her to be a leader? Have her step up and recognize all the high points for each girl from the weekend. And then help her to foster this throughout the rest of the year. The girls need to learn to build each other up, maybe it could start with your dd?

 

[GymMom4]

We had our level 6 state this weekend, too, and if you are still in Texas like your name says, your daughter earned that spot on the podium. It was a tough meet, big competition and I don't think those judges gave away any scores.

Congrats to your daughter!

There will always be people who grumble about results. I am trying to not be one of those people.

 

[bookworm]

This is the same type of crap ( and that's exactly what it is) that you hear every year after level 10 regionals when the girls from certain regions "score 37s all the way down to 80th place" and don't qualify to JOs and girls in some of the smaller regions , who don't have as many competitors to begin with, go to regionals and score in the top 7 for their age group and make it to JOs with , horror! , a lower score than some of the girls in other regions!

There's always complaints that "the best girls aren't all there blah blah" but I'm sorry, these "lower scoring qualifiers" played by the rules and deserve to be there, and if their scores are lower, that's not their fault so stop trying to diminish their accomplishment...and that goes the same for the OPs daughter, she played by the rules, she was first in her age group, she earned it....no apologies needed.

 

[Texasmomof3]

Bess, she wasn't contagious. She has reflux, so once a stomach bug hits, she wil throw up for days and days because her system is "off." Her doctor cleared her to go back as soon as she felt ready. The real concern was if she would fall due to dizziness.

 

[GlobalNomad]

Congratulations to your DD! If you're hearing comments like this from parents, I would suggest responding kindly, but honestly, with something like: "We we feel lucky and proud that dd was able to place. She's had such a rough season with being both injured and ill."

My DD had a meet where she won an event with an 8.9. It was her lowest score ever on that event. Many commented that she would not have normally won with that score. They were right. I still don't know if everyone under-performed on that event that day, or if the judges were being very picky. It was something that we discussed though, but in my case I don't think anyone was jealous. More curious about judging and why that happens sometimes.

 

[needcoffee]

It doesn't matter why she won or what her score was - she was the best performer on floor that day. Congrats to her!!!

I've been there! My DD won first place floor at states with her lowest floor score of the season! The bottom line is, she deserved it!

 

[GymDad9.9]

Enjoy the win but then ask yourself if it's possible to help these girls feel more like a team. I know with my dd's group if one succeeds, they all succeed, and when one fails they all fail. She's gotten lucky with an amazing group of girls who support each other but I know they work at it too.

Is it possible to help your dd navigate this by coaching her to be a leader? Have her step up and recognize all the high points for each girl from the weekend. And then help her to foster this throughout the rest of the year. The girls need to learn to build each other up, maybe it could start with your dd?

It is always commendable when a child aspires to be a team leader and demonstrate good values and sportsmanship. The more the better. But coaches also need to set the tone as far as how teammates treat one another and promote the greater good.

 

[sce]

Personally, I don't see all this insidiousness and shameful behavior.
Was it nice? No. 5th-6th graders can be very egocentric.

Gymnastics scoring as all about "what ifs". You've obviously looked at the scores at other age groupings and calculated "what ifs".
What about the "if only" thoughts? DD always comes up with...... "If I had just stuck my landing" or "if I didn't wobble on my turn" situations. She's always looking for extra tenths.

It's a bummer she can't celebrate her big win at gym. Most likely this will all be old news in a week. It's time to start training bigger and better skills!

Thinking it, looking up the scores at home, and considering the what ifs etc., yes pretty normal. Saying it to her, mean. Sad that teammates are not being more supportive of each other. Sad that the parents aren't encouraging them to be good sport end and good teammates. It is hard, my dd was on the side of seeing teammates get 1st places in varying age groups, while she and other teammates were in tougher age groups. But she did her best to celebrate with them and vent to me.

 

[Gymmommy71]

See, I would never take any comments like that personally. The girls are just bummed about the reality of the situation and they are venting. If someone said something like that to me about my daughter I'd just say right back "well, have your DD repeat this level for 2 more years (or whatever the age difference is) and you too can win states w/ a lower score"...and then I'd laugh it off. Any gymnast who has been competing long enough understands how age divisions work and shouldn't be shocked that this happened. Yeah, it's part luck that someone ends up in a lesser competitive age division, but sometimes coaches take this into account when determining the levels kids will compete (so maybe your DD did exceed expectations by winning and these other girls may have underperformed cause they were expected to score higher compared to their same age peers when they were put in that level).

Oh, and to the people who are upset about the different regions thing (where lower scores get into Nationals in some regions) I'd say "move then" and then you can make it to nationals w/ a lower AA (and then spend all that money to travel to nationals for the sake of being able to say you went, cause the same girls who would have beat you out in your higher scoring region are gonna be there and place higher at nationals as well - so same result, just more money spent and the ability to say you went (but didn't place)).

 

[GymDad9.9]

Thinking it, looking up the scores at home, and considering the what ifs etc., yes pretty normal. Saying it to her, mean. Sad that teammates are not being more supportive of each other. Sad that the parents aren't encouraging them to be good sport end and good teammates. It is hard, my dd was on the side of seeing teammates get 1st places in varying age groups, while she and other teammates were in tougher age groups. But she did her best to celebrate with them and vent to me.

Yes it is hard. My daughter took second AA in her age group in States even though her AA score was better than about 20 other girls who were first AA in their respective age groups at her level. Her scores helped her team win the States so it was very gratifying.

 

[Committed]

Thinking it, looking up the scores at home, and considering the what ifs etc., yes pretty normal. Saying it to her, mean. Sad that teammates are not being more supportive of each other. Sad that the parents aren't encouraging them to be good sport end and good teammates. It is hard, my dd was on the side of seeing teammates get 1st places in varying age groups, while she and other teammates were in tougher age groups. But she did her best to celebrate with them and vent to me.

That's what I mean "what ifs". I'm sure those kids and their moms talked about their own situation. If Suzy was in that age category, she would have scored high, too.

Some kids aren't socially smart enough to keep that conversation at home.

 

[GymDad9.9]

That's what I mean "what ifs". I'm sure those kids and their moms talked about their own situation. If Suzy was in that age category, she would have scored high, too.

Some kids aren't socially smart enough to keep that conversation at home.

Does the "what if" scenario apply in Texasmomof3's situation as the girls making the disparaging remarks scored lower than Texasmomof3's daughter?

 

[B.Gold]

It is always commendable when a child aspires to be a team leader and demonstrate good values and sportsmanship. The more the better. But coaches also need to set the tone as far as how teammates treat one another and promote the greater good.

Correct, but that's out of our control isn't it? You would certainly hope coaches would create a team atmosphere, some do a great job of this others fall flat and pit girls against each other. But either circumstance, I can't change a coach. But I can encourage my dd to be one of the kiddos who pats a girl on the back when she gets first on floor, no matter the circumstance. To me THAT'S more important than my dd placing first on floor herself. That starts at home.

ETA: although I'm not gonna' lie.... I would love a first place on floor.

 

[duyetanh]

Bottom line?
Jealousy exists.
Amongst both gymnasts and parents.
Meaness sadly does exist.
Again, amongst gymnasts, and/or parents.
And yes, it sucks. But it exists!
Realizing this and learning how to navigate through it is part of the process...

 

[Texasmomof3]

I have worked hard to convince dd not to play the "what if" game. It can drive you crazy.

One meet this season she had an error on floor that she has never made in her life. It was a .3 error. The rest of her floor was flawless, and sure enough she scored a 9.7. She kept going back to if she hadn't made that one stupid error on a skill she has had clean for years and never makes, ever, it would have been a 10.0 routine.

After about three days of mourning the 10.0 that was not to be, we had quite the heart to heart about feeling sorrow, learning whatever lesson there is to learn (and sometimes there really is no big lesson) and then sucking it up and moving on. I was so proud to hear her respond to someone who commented on the flub, "Yeah, I don't know what I did there. But I am just so glad the rest of my routine was clean so I still pulled a great score."

 

[GymDad9.9]

Correct, but that's out of our control isn't it? You would certainly hope coaches would create a team atmosphere, some do a great job of this others fall flat and pit girls against each other. But either circumstance, I can't change a coach. But I can encourage my dd to be one of the kiddos who pats a girl on the back when she gets first on floor, no matter the circumstance. To me THAT'S more important than my dd placing first on floor herself. That starts at home.

ETA: although I'm not gonna' lie.... I would love a first place on floor.

Generally speaking, you can't change a coach, unless of course, they are fostering a corrosive team atmosphere or treating your child in a way that is adversely impacting your child, then you should stand up for your child. At my child's gym, the coach is not the final say in all matters. That falls to the gym owner, who consistently makes it clear to parents that he is the person you need to go to when problems arise.