Parents Teenagerdom and gym

[Texasmomof3]

My 15 year old dd moved to a new gym 6 months ago. The coaches are better. The atmosphere is better. There is no more emotional abuse. All good.

But the teammates are just awful. After 6 months, dd’s new teammates still don’t treat her as part of their team. They are having a party tonight that she wasn’t invited to, and it isn’t the first time. She’s tried chatting with them about clothes or makeup or tv or school, and she gets responses like “tell it to someone who cares” or “why are you telling me this” or just silence in return. The girls are all close to each other, so we thought given time they would accept her, but it doesn’t seem to be moving forward at all.

The social aspect is very important to her. She is an extreme extrovert. She’s Never met someone she can’t be friends with. She needs to laugh every day. She is happiest surrounded by girlfriends. And i just don’t think it is going to happen.

She spends so much time at gym that she doesn’t get to have a school social life. But she isn’t getting one from gym either.

Has anyone ever quit gym simply because they need friends and the girls at the gym are just a bunch of &$*^%es? It seems a horrible reason to quit, but she really needs social time.

 

[txgymfan]

That’s so sad. I don’t have any advice but that just stinks!

 

[bogwoppit]

Are the coaches aware of this happening? That is bullying, plain and simple. WHilst they cannot make them be friends, they sure can not allow that kind of stuff to happen in their gym.

 

[3rd_time_around]

You need to have a meeting with the owner or whoever is in charge. That is unacceptable. You can't make them invite her to a party, but you can get the bullying or hatefulness to stop at the gym. I'm so sad for her! My daughter went through a similar situation, only she had been there for 11 years, and then other girls transferred from other gyms and came together and had their cliques and exclusionary group texts, cattiness, etc. It's awful, I wish I understood why girls act this way.

 

[Texasmomof3]

They are polite to her face at gym. Polite, but not friendly. When she tries to make social plans with them, that is when the catty responses come out.

She’s tried to invite the friendliest one or two to do something, but they have never accepted the overture.

It just broke my heart tonight when I realized she was watching a livestream of their party online. Because she was sitting at home uninvited. She even told them it sounded like fun to her and she's always wanted to go to a fondue party when she heard them talking about it in her locker room. So they snap chatted her the link to watch them.

 

[thefellowsmom]

Oh my god. That is aweful! I am so sorry. I wish I had some sage advice but I don’t. Just feeling sick to my stomach for her.

 

[MILgymFAM]

This just breaks my heart. My DD has been treated like that by girls at gym, but luckily never all the girls at a gym- just onesies twosies. There is a girl at her current gym like that and she’s gone to the HC twice now because she knows it’s bullying and unacceptable. Honestly, unless my kid was going elite or had a very, very serious shot and desire at college, that would be reason enough for me to move on. Has she asked the girls why they don’t like her? My DD is just forward enough to ask that. On a couple of occasions the response has led to a change of heart. It’s a slim chance, but it sounds like she’s got nothing to lose. I’m so sorry she’s dealing with that. She sounds like my girl.

 

[FlippinLilysMom]

This breaks my heart and makes me so angry! I'm so sorry to hear that she isn't be accepted. Maybe a quick chat with the coaches is in order.

 

[duyetanh]

They are polite to her face at gym. Polite, but not friendly. When she tries to make social plans with them, that is when the catty responses come out.

She’s tried to invite the friendliest one or two to do something, but they have never accepted the overture.

It just broke my heart tonight when I realized she was watching a livestream of their party online. Because she was sitting at home uninvited. She even told them it sounded like fun to her and she's always wanted to go to a fondue party when she heard them talking about it in her locker room. So they snap chatted her the link to watch them.

That is cyber bullying to the extreme and I would not let my child watch it. I know she is older but still. This is the stuff that leads to scary stuff. And yes I would let the coaches know just so they know. They are only responsible for what happens in gym....but I would still want to let them know because it probably affects your dds mood at gym, so therefore it is imho relevant to keep them in the loop, esp if she is thinking of quitting over it. I am sorry.

 

[txgymfan]

Letting her watch their party is horrible! I agree, talk to the coaches.

 

[NutterButter]

That is unacceptable. I would let the coaches know. A few years ago my DD was in a similar situation. A few parents and athletes complained about the girl and the coaches did what they could to help the girls get along. It wasn't enough though and my DD was still unhappy. I questioned whether the gym would work out long term for my DD because of the friend situation. At the time we were heading into competition season so DD was committed to the gym for at least another 5 months but I had a short list of other gyms that I was going to be watching more closely at meets. The problem was solved when the girl quit. The dynamic of the team changed immediately.

 

[gymisforeveryone]

My younger group just got a new member at the beginning of summer. The other girls were a close knit group. When I was watching, they were polite to the new girl. But then I got a call from one of the old girls moms and she told me that her daughter had said something about the group not treating the new kid very well, not inviting her to group chats about their social events and not being her partner voluntary. I was so glad that this mom immediately called me. And I was super proud of her kid for speaking up. Even if the kid felt scared that the others would know that she spoke to someone of blamed someone, she still spoke up. And she refused to go to a party that the new kid didn't get an invite. She came up with an excuse, but still.

So I promised that I would talk to the group. The girls are 11-14 years old, so a bit younger, but they can definitely be catty too if the circumstances are right and there is group pressure. And the "leader" of this, the 14 year old, is great at allying with the ones who are a little bit insecure and need to feel like they are "leaders" too to feel safe. I planned the talk with the girls for a long time because I didn't want to blame anyone or punish anyone, and I didn't want to tell that I know about the group chat, because I didn't want to make known that one of them had spoke up. So we had a group meeting that started with me asking them "what could we do as a group to have better team spirit?". Then we wrote down all the ideas they had. Then I asked "What could we do as a group to make sure that everyone feels like a part of the team?". The girls had great ideas about rotating partners, going swimming with the team (with coaches too) etc. Then I gave them a list that had titles: practice, camps, meets, social media, leisure time. And I divided them into smaller groups and they had 20 minutes to come up with three most important team rules under all of the titles. And they did wrote down exactly the rules that I had hoped them to write. Then the smaller groups came together and we together discussed about the rules and chose the most important ones under the titles, and the girls signed under the rules to make sure that they follow them.

Then of course we took in action their ideas about raising the team spirit. And it was good because when us coaches were there too, we could make sure that we played games that forced them to work with everyone and bond with everyone. And at practice we had a good reason to set the partners, because that was their own idea, and no one went against it.

So I highly recommend that you speak to the coach! I was so happy that this one parent called me. I had not noticed the discrimination before because it didn't happen in front of my eyes.

With teenagers, I would take an approach like I described above. The other good technique could be coach having a meeting with other girls when your kid is not there and asking them "What could we do as a team and as individuals to make Susan feels like part of the team?". No blaming, no punishments, not telling them that everyone needs to be friends with everyone, just brainstorming together. And then a follow up meeting after two weeks or something. And if it went well, the coach could ask them if they could keep doing the nice things for X amount of time more.

 

[Aussie_coach]

It might seem like she has been at this new gym for a long time, but 6 months in the grander scheme of things isn’t that long to break in with a group of kids, who have perhaps been training together for 10 years.

It might be worth a word in the coaches ear. Some coaches might react in a way that doesn’t help, like saying they aren’t interested in the kids social lives or yell at everyone. Other coaches may be able to try a few things, like splitting up the ring leaders on apparatus, partnerimh the kids up for different drills, and partnering your DD with someone who might be easier to crack or doing some team bonding exersices that require everyone to get along etc.

I am not condoning the behaviour of the girls on her team in anyway, but is it possible your DD has come on too strong? If she is very social and extroverted she may have thrown herself right in their before the team had warmed up to her and they may have started this campaign of bullying as a result. You mention that she was hinting at being invited to a party, that could be seen as being a bit too over the top, since they aren’t too close.

 

[3gymgirlsmom]

this is sort of happening to my 9 yr old, she is the only one that didn't move up (she had a rough year last ) anyhow they would talk about doing things right in front of her and one even looked at her then moved on to the others ( this was suppose o be one of her close friends too) now 2 of them won't even talk or say hi, now that they think she is all better. Of course since I said something about this I am the one in the wrong for saying anything. I gave up and think about finding a new gym all the time but we have been at this one for 11 years with my daughters older sisters and also its only 5 min and its really just these 2.

 

[Midwestmommy]

Cliques can be really hard for a kid on the outside. My daughter has run into it in a couple of areas, and frankly it’s a tough nut to crack with teens. At gym, it takes a proactive coach who gets this and establishes up front what “team”means at their gym when kids walk through that door. If the coach doesn’t get it, this stuff will happen under their noses. Might be hurting their team and gym (and the owner’s business) in the long run and they are oblivious.

With teenagers outside of the gym, she might not ever crack their shell. Heck some of them pledge to never let anyone else in. The parents (moms usually) may be encouraging and teaching it. They may see it as a tight knit group of close friends who have known each other “forever.” Tell your daughter there is probably a pecking order within the group, and some of them might not be as happy as they seem.

It might get better over time.

I think it’s really important/healthy for kids to have friends from various walks of life (e.g.,family friends, school, church, sports, cousins, band) in case it’s not great in one of area. My best advice is to have her reach out to a school or church friend or friends to do something.

Also, you said she is extremely extroverted. If she is super competitive, remind her to say encouraging things to other kids. I am not at all saying this is your daughter’s situation, but I knew one kid and mom where the kid said cruel things to others and the mom complained that other kids were bullies when they then kept their distance. At any rate kill the meanies with kindness if that’s what they are and encourage her to socialize outside of gym with other kids for a while.

And watch that darn phone use. In our day our rooms were places of quiet refuge. We parents might assume that’s true of their daughter quiet in their room when in fact they are in there stressing out because of social media. Make her put that phone down and go for a long walk with her and laugh together. Or better yet volunteer with her at a shelter or something. Those are good cures for the teen “phone blues.”

 

[Gymsy4]

We've been in that situation several times with my girls. It was particularly bad for my oldest and she ended up quitting. I wish I had words of wisdom for you but I don't. I just wanted to tell you that you and your daughter are not alone. Hugs and hope it gets better!

 

[jenjean70]

They are polite to her face at gym. Polite, but not friendly. When she tries to make social plans with them, that is when the catty responses come out.

She’s tried to invite the friendliest one or two to do something, but they have never accepted the overture.

It just broke my heart tonight when I realized she was watching a livestream of their party online. Because she was sitting at home uninvited. She even told them it sounded like fun to her and she's always wanted to go to a fondue party when she heard them talking about it in her locker room. So they snap chatted her the link to watch them.

That is FULL ON mean girl! I am so sorry that is happening- it makes me so mad....ugh!

 

[MUTigerMom]

I am so sorry your daughter is going through this. She has been through so much recently with her gymnastics journey. Would the coach be open to helping with this the way gymisforeveryone suggested? That could possibly go a long way in helping things out here. I would hate for her to quit over such silly mean girl pettiness. Good luck to you. Hugs to your daughter.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

Unfortunately maybe the coaches are better. But the atmosphere is not good. And it’s not good emotionally either.

I’m concerned that the coaches are not proactive about making the new kids feel included.

The coaches may not be abusive but the could be doing better.

Kinda reminds of a former relationship. It went from horrible to just bad.
When you come from horrible to just bad, bad looks good, even OK. Except it’s still bad.

 

[Texasmomof3]

My daughter decided to talk to the friendliest of the group. It ended up being a positive discussion. She got an apology about some of the snarky comments and the non-invitation was more of a misunderstanding.

We also talked and agreed that if after this season she isn't feeling accepted, she might just retire from gym. Having this option, and knowing that it is a "valid" reason to stop, makes her feel better as well. In her mind, you don't stop unless you are too injured to continue or can't do the skills anymore.