Women Unhappy with Current Gym - WWYD

[BeamQueen]

Hello, all. Long time lurker, first time poster.

Currently I am the beam coach at a pretty new gym (going on it's 5th year). Our team is pretty big as we are really the only good competitive club in a fairly large city - next closest good club is about 60 minutes upstate (no traffic). Our kids have done really well at meets...stealing the podium, ranking high at state competitions, regionals, etc. Our facility is huge/clean, our owners (a middle aged couple - formerly had a college gymnast) are wonderful...I mean, honestly, looking from the outside in...it looks almost too good to be true.

And it is.

We had a major coaching change about 2 years ago and I feel like it is severely affecting our program. Our former HC was super up-beat, taught good gymnastics, but most importantly...made it a fun environment for everyone. I was excited to come to work all the time. And as a young (early 20s) coach, he was the perfect mentor to get my foot in the coaching door. But then his wife got a job offer across the country and his entire family moved.

So, after that, the owners were frantically trying to find a new HC. Without getting t0o deep in the interview process, they pretty much hired the first applicant as many parents were getting worried who would fill our old HC's shoes and if they were going to keep their gymnasts in our program or not.

Well, they hired this man, and his wife....and since then my life has been a living h-e-double hockey sticks.

I'm a usually very optimistic person, so at first I was totally giving them the benefit of the doubt. But from the moment they walked in, the new HC (and his wife) both blatantly stated that there was really no talent here and they needed to do a complete "redo" of the program and weed out the weak ones through a rigorous training environment. Mind you, most of our kids before were hitting high 36/37s, some even 38s....and many of them were first years. So right off the bat I was not feeling it...but I decided to trust their system and went along with it. The first year was bad. We lost so many kids. Our program was extremely strict (which can be good)...but definitely used in the wrong way. Basically anyone that didn't fit into their version of "talent" was pushed until they finally quit or moved gyms.

Fast forward to today...and it's gotten so much worse. To the point that I had to create an account and ask for advice because I don't know what to do. We have lost so many kids. The wife coach is SO MEAN to the kids, it honestly sickens me. And as also a parent to a 2 year old...it makes me even more sick. I would not want her to coach my daughter. She will be fake nice some of the time...but then in the next second she will rip a kid in half for not pointing their toes hard enough. She screams almost daily at someone. At least one kid cries at every practice from her. And she gets personal, too. We have had so many parent complaints. I just simply do not agree with her coaching style. She will get kids to do whatever she wants by yelling, but the kids hate their life the entire time. There is no passion in any of our kids anymore. And the HC is no better, he puts down our kids all the time and makes them feel worthless. I overheard him telling our level 8s yesterday they they were doing "nothing right" on vault. Nothing right. Yet they were all doing yurchenko timers safely and gracefully over the table. He even told one of our younger optionals (who wants to be a college gymnast), not to "hold her breath on it happening". We had a level 7 quit about a month ago because she was having constant knee pain...it was really sad. I had coached her since she was on pre-team. His response to it was "Well, it's not like she was going to get to level 10 or anything".

I just feel so sad. I love these kids. I love coaching. I love my gym. But I really, really, really dislike these coaches. I have thought about going to the owners....but then what? Our scores are great. Our kids do really really well at meets....but at what cost? Hating their childhood? Hating gymnastics? Being forced by their parents to come to practice because they already paid for it? There's no win for me. I can either continue coaching at another gym (if hiring) 1-1.5 hrs away, and lose all my kids at this gym, whom I've coached for 5+ years. Or I can continue feeling the way I do, coaching at this gym. The ONLY thing keeping me at this current gym right now, are the kids. I really do love them and have been with them all since the beginning. A handful of parents have secretly told me that they love me and don't know what they would do if I left (not that I have ever mentioned leaving to anyone).

Help! Thanks if you stuck around this long....I really needed to vent. Besides them, I'm the only other team coach so I really have nobody else to talk to. I've been holding it in for so long. Sorry it's so long, didn't mean to write a novel.

 

[BeamQueen]

I should also add that I think my age plays a big role in how they treat me. I am significantly younger (mid 20s) and they really do not include me in anything. We have no meetings. I am told what's happening either at practice or the very occasional email. It's almost like they share the head coach position as they consult and talk to each other about everything while I am just kind of off to the side. I think if they could have it their way they would most likely get rid of me. But fortunately the owners are the only ones who can terminate jobs.

 

[Sasha]

I'm sorry to hear this story. Sorry for you, for the children, and for the parents who probably don't see the verbal abuse as clearly or are forced to try to justify it for their child's passion.

My 2 cents...

One thing is for sure - those coaches are not going to change. Ever. Some kids and parents have figured it out, and left. Other parents are either naive, or in denial. The owners were understandably desperate, and are getting 'scores' that help the business reputation, so it would take a lot of very specific and compelling evidence for any action to come from the owner, and your word against two experienced coaches who 'get results' will be difficult.

I don't know if you are personally stuck in your location - you are in your 20's, and perhaps it's a good time to seek out a new adventure and move somewhere else. Good coaches are hard to find, so opportunity is probably yours for the taking if you can be flexible on your location. If that isn't possible, I would still recommend that you get out of this situation. It is clearly toxic to you. Staying in a toxic job will only get worse. Your health and well being is at stake. Strongly consider a path out.

Honestly, I would prepare yourself to have a talk with the owners, and be prepared as a result of that conversation for no change to happen, for the backlash to possibly fall on you (as the coaches learn of your distaste for their style and punish you), and for you to need to leave after that conversation. If possible, if there are parents who also see what you see, you could talk with the owners as a group. Even though I think the likelihood of the coaches being let go and replaced is pretty nil, I do think it is worth the conversation with the owners anyway, as at least you will have tried your best to protect the kids and families.

But regardless, you need to find a way out. Again, they are not going to change their ways.

 

[OzZee]

I agree any chance you can move?

Or even better open a rival gym? I'm sure lots of the kids would follow!

 

[lovemygymnast]

I would speak with the owners. At this point, what have you got to lose? Go ahead and explore other employment options as well, but it may be that the owners have been paying more attention than you think and are seeking replacements? You know, that couple didn't come out of the blue and start to be awful to the kids there. I'm quite sure they have a history of this sort of abuse. Do you know where they came from? I would imagine they had the same type behavior at previous gym with same type of complaints.

And being mid 20's has nothing to do with respect! We have several mid 20's coaches at our gym who are AWESOME with the kids and just fantastic coaches. There is no age limit to respecting a colleague.

Things will not change if people don't speak up. What a shame that these families of kids who have quit haven't complained to the owners repeatedly. To be honest, the only reason the rest of these kids stick around is that there's no other options close by! I just hate to hear of kids having to suffer emotional/verbal abuse at the hands of adults in a sport the kids love.

 

[flipster]

Unfortunately, HCs won't change. Sounds like HCs would like to replace older athletes raised by the old program with younger talent they raised... and gym owners don't step in. I wonder why. Do the owners act as financial managers and prefer not to get involved in training details? Do you have a job review? May be you can request one now. Ask owners opinion about the changes, new coaching style (don't overcriticize the HCs). Ask about the direction of the program and how you can best contribute to it. Listen carefully to answers.
To be honest, I don't understand the need to weed out (that word makes me cringe). If they loose enough customers, they may have to close their doors, unless there is a stream of new people to replace the lost.
In any case, the environment changed a lot, it is not what it used to be. Good thing is that you have plenty of time to figure your next move.

 

[coachmolly]

I would schedule a meeting with the owners. The environment isn't good for children, coaches, or the business and I imagine some red flags have been raised for the owners with the amount of kids who have left the program- unless they are really uninvolved with the team program. Express concern over the amount of kids leaving or even the dynamic among the kids in the gym- obviously kids who aren't feeling appreciated and supported are not going to practice the same way as kids who do. Just make it about the kids, not the HCs. If the parents every say anything to you, direct them to the owners.
In the meantime, I think it's perfectly reasonable to be seeking other coaching opportunities.

 

[my4buffaloes]

Meet with the owner. Stick to the facts you know. How many kids have left. EXACTLY what was said to who. Give specific examples. Not how it seems or what you heard from someone else. That sort of talk will go over better if you stick to the facts. Also, it might be time to leave and don't hesitate to tell owner exactly why you are leaving. I'm so sorry you are in this position! Sounds like a miserable environment and is exactly what I would not want for my children.

 

[BeamQueen]

Thanks everyone for the replies. I emailed the owners this morning asking to meet sometime today or tomorrow. I am very nervous as this could very well be my last day at this gym. I am so sad for the kids. I knew the answers I was going to get from this post, I knew the environment was not good. I kind of just needed a push to really make my decision final. The owners originally opened the gym bc before there was not a good program in this area and their daughter had to travel 1.5 hrs to get the training she needed in order to make it to the collegiate level....so they wanted to give kids in the area the same chance without the sacrifices they had to make with the long commute. They are really nice people, but they really don't step in that much. They've hired a business manager who takes care of the finances and the event planning and enrollment. The money we've lost from team members quitting has been made up with our high rec/preschool enrollment. Esp this Olympic year. However, even our business manager has noticed the amount of team kids we have lost, and has made several comments to me about it. When I would ask why so and so quit, she would say, "parents not thinking certain coaches are not the best fit for their daughters" or "Kids not having fun anymore". I think her testimony could really help my case with the owners, although I don't think I could ask her to do something that could potentially damage her job if the owners take my statements the wrong way, or worse...it gets back to the other coaches.

As much as I would love to open up my own gym (truly a dream of mine), the timing in my life is just not right for it. As well as the finances. The other gym in our area is extremely small in comparison, and their "team" only consists of a few kids. I am honestly not sure how they are still in business as our rec/preschool/team programs have taken most of their customers. But they do have a cheer team, so I think that must be where they make most of their income. And the long commute gym just seems like a pain unless I relocated, which is also not possible right now.

So unfortunately, if things go south like I anticipate they will, this may be the end of my coaching for the time being. Until a new opportunity arises. I do have my BA where I do work part-time on the side, so I could most likely turn that into a full time position. Just sad that my coaching days are possibly over for the time being. I will truly miss all those kids. I feel like some of them are my own, as I've had them since they were 4/5 years old and I see them 4/5 days a week.

 

[GymDad9.9]

Thanks everyone for the replies. I emailed the owners this morning asking to meet sometime today or tomorrow. I am very nervous as this could very well be my last day at this gym. I am so sad for the kids. I knew the answers I was going to get from this post, I knew the environment was not good. I kind of just needed a push to really make my decision final. The owners originally opened the gym bc before there was not a good program in this area and their daughter had to travel 1.5 hrs to get the training she needed in order to make it to the collegiate level....so they wanted to give kids in the area the same chance without the sacrifices they had to make with the long commute. They are really nice people, but they really don't step in that much. They've hired a business manager who takes care of the finances and the event planning and enrollment. The money we've lost from team members quitting has been made up with our high rec/preschool enrollment. Esp this Olympic year. However, even our business manager has noticed the amount of team kids we have lost, and has made several comments to me about it. When I would ask why so and so quit, she would say, "parents not thinking certain coaches are not the best fit for their daughters" or "Kids not having fun anymore". I think her testimony could really help my case with the owners, although I don't think I could ask her to do something that could potentially damage her job if the owners take my statements the wrong way, or worse...it gets back to the other coaches.

As much as I would love to open up my own gym (truly a dream of mine), the timing in my life is just not right for it. As well as the finances. The other gym in our area is extremely small in comparison, and their "team" only consists of a few kids. I am honestly not sure how they are still in business as our rec/preschool/team programs have taken most of their customers. But they do have a cheer team, so I think that must be where they make most of their income. And the long commute gym just seems like a pain unless I relocated, which is also not possible right now.

So unfortunately, if things go south like I anticipate they will, this may be the end of my coaching for the time being. Until a new opportunity arises. I do have my BA where I do work part-time on the side, so I could most likely turn that into a full time position. Just sad that my coaching days are possibly over for the time being. I will truly miss all those kids. I feel like some of them are my own, as I've had them since they were 4/5 years old and I see them 4/5 days a week.

It sounds like you are in a tough spot with this. It's quite a burden to carry for yourself to sit in front of a gym owner and tell them the issues you are having, what is happening to the kids and the issues they are having that seem to be impacting their business. If the business manager is aware of these issues, is there any way she can stand by your side to help reinforce the issues? Or perhaps some parents as well? Good luck.

 

[JoyAvenueMom]

Your story truly breaks my heart! A couple of things to keep in mind: Life is always a series of "seasons". Nothing in this life lasts forever, whether it's really good or really bad. Hang in there. Even if the worst happens and you give up coaching for a while, it doesn't have to be permanent. Another opportunity will come along.

Another thought, don't assume the owners won't carefully consider your point of view. Especially if you go in armed with ammunition. Take a list of all the kids who have left the program, and document the reason you think they left. Compare real numbers; scores in the old system vs scores in the new...college recruits in old system vs college recruits in the new. If I owned the business, and truly cared about kids (most gym owners do!) I would want to understand what is going on. But you need to take time to prepare and go in with more than stories. Don't start out attacking the new coaches, just talk about how different the new philosophy and culture is and how you are concerned it might not be as effective long term. Then present your evidence. You can summarize by saying that you feel strongly that the old "culture" was better for keeping girls in gym longer, and for providing an opportunity for more kids to have a great experience in competitive gym. It really depends on what the owners want...maybe they think these new coaches are better prepared to help kids get to college. They may value that one "benefit" over all of the negative impact. But, you won't know until you lay out the data.

Don't think for a minute you can't start your own gym. You just have to think small and smart. Start at at church facility with used equipment for small kids. As you become profitable, use your profits to buy the equipment you need to teach more skills. Eventually, you will have a book of business and a good track record. All of those things make a compelling business case for a small business loan to get your own place. I can put you in touch with a couple of people who did exactly that. Both of them have large, successful gyms now, and you would never guess their humble beginnings. PM me if you want their contact info.

Good luck!!!!

 

[Becauseisaid]

Why assume you need to quit coaching? Have you thought about telling the owner that you have decided to step back into a rec coach role rather than team? That would move (though not completely) you from direct contact with the toxic coaches while still allowing the girls you love to continue to have access to YOU.

 

[twinmomma]

Why assume you need to quit coaching? Have you thought about telling the owner that you have decided to step back into a rec coach role rather than team? That would move (though not completely) you from direct contact with the toxic coaches while still allowing the girls you love to continue to have access to YOU.

Except that also means she has to sit by and watch these other coaches continue to abuse the gymnasts without doing anything. Not sure that's fair either. And make no mistake when you talk to the owners, I'd use that word. They are abusing these kids.

 

[coachmolly]

There is also the chance that if you move to the other local gym some team kids would follow and you could start to build up their team program. You obviously wouldn't have the top notch facilities you have now, but you could start small with a team of compulsories and maybe some lower level optionals and see where it goes from there.

I think talking with the owners and just seeing how that goes should be your first avenue, just another idea to humor if that doesn't work at as you would hope.

 

[GymMom4]

That is a really hard situation.

How did the talk go?

 

[BeamQueen]

Hi everyone. Thanks for the awesome feedback. I appreciate it more than you know.

So update:

I had a meeting with the owners Friday night after practice at their house. I basically told them everything that I told you guys in my first post, except I included the exact number of kids that have left us since they arrived (not just anybody that left, but the ones that left because of their coaching style or because they were not having fun anymore, etc)...basically the ones that left as a direct result of them. I also included specific examples of harsh interactions between the coaches and kids. I explained several parent complaints as well.

The male owner got kind of defensive at the beginning...at one point saying, "Don't you have to be strict to get results?". I explained that this was far beyond being strict. His wife was extremely understanding and very nice throughout the entire meeting. At the end they basically said that they can't afford to lose me right now, not right before the season starts. They asked if I would stay for one more month and offered to increase my hourly rate by 15%. They assured me that they would start popping into practice every so often, and they would schedule a meeting with the other two coaches and discuss the situation. They assured me that they would not bring up my name in the conversation. They said if things don't improve for me after one month, and I still feel the way I do, they would understand if I left.

I agreed to stay for one more month. I don't feel like I owe the owners or the coaches this, but I do feel like I owe the kids this. I don't want them or their parents to feel like I am abandoning them right before the season starts. I do feel kind of uneasy accepting a raise though...they said it was "long overdue for all my hard work" and not because of this....but I feel like it's almost a bribe.

I also feel like the other coaches will know it is me that said something as I mentioned specific examples to the owners that they will likely bring up. I also think the female coach might put on an "act" if she sees the owners popping up in practice. I really don't know how this is going to go...

But I did say I was willing to stay for 1 more month. Enough time for them to start looking for someone else if I decide nothing has changed and the environment is still toxic. We shall see....

 

[my4buffaloes]

I think it is right for you to stay 1 more month and give them a chance to make things right. Hopefully they will continue to "pop in" for a long time. People like the other 2 coaches can't stay on their best behavior for long. So glad you met with them and it sounds like they were very supportive of you. I hope things do end up working out.

 

[txgymfan]

Get your resume ready and start thinking about what you will do if things are the same at the end of the month.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

Get your resume ready and start thinking about what you will do if things are the same at the end of the month.

Yep