Unhealthy Rivalry of Parents

[dancengym]

How do you deal with pushy, highly competitive parents who seem to watch your daughter's every move and has chosen your daughter to constantly compare her daughter with? Fortunately, they moved my daughter to Level 5 and kept her daughter a second year in level 4. However, the mother kicked and screamed so they had her daughter practice with the Level 5s once a week while practicing with her level the other 3 times a week (an extra day of practice above all the other level 4s). In addition, she sneaks her daughter in for extra unscheduled, unpaid for, practices whenever she can. For instance, whenever there is a change in practice schedule, she'll send her daughter for practice on the days she is not scheduled and claim she just did not get the email, or did not understand the email. But she'll send her daugther again in for her scheduled practice. And when they go on vacation, she unilaterally sends her daughter in double time the week before and the week after, to make up for the vacation. The owners of the gym have expressed they feel taken advantaged of sometimes. But have just chosen not to deal with it. This really would not bother me except that the mother still monitors my daughter's progress and is still insisting she stay in par with my daughter. I have to say her daughter is pretty good but has a behavioral problem. I think that is why they kept her another year at Level 4. Because I thought she could have handled Level 5. I don't want to succumb to this petty competitiveness but sometimes I find myself quite irritated not only because she keeps watching my daughter but also because she always tries to get an edge and gets away with it.

There are so many more important things to worry about that I want to not have this bothering me. Is this what parents need to do to get their daughters to succeed? Will I be seeing a lot of this kind of rivalry? Any words of wisdom?

 

[vagymmomma]

My thoughts on your questions (in bold):

"Is this what parents need to do to get their daughters to succeed? No, but unfortunately the behavior is all too common. Will I be seeing a lot of this kind of rivalry? Some. Any words of wisdom? Rise above the madness and stay clear of the politics."

I got some wise advice from folks on this website to ignore most of the chatter in the gym lobby. I would encourage you to get involved through your team parent association or other groups. I've found it's one of the best ways to stay informed.

My lovely DD is never going to be an elite (my baby is very talented, but I've seen the numbers). However, she loves gymnastics and I try not to lose sight that her happiness is why we do it.

 

[bogwoppit]

I ignore them completely. There is/was a mom at our gym who's DD competed the same level as mione. In fact there were 7 girls in the level. This mom wrote down every score for every girl at every meet and compared them at home with her DD. Her dd felt so much stress and pressure that she ended up quitting this week. I could swear she was thrilled when another of our girls fell off the beam, it was priceless to watch her face light up!

In fact this mom would arrive three and four hours early to every meet and pressure her DD to do well, even though she already did fine.

It all has a way of backfiring on the crazies, feel sorry for their kids and avoid the parents like the plague, it is eay to get sucked into their madness.

If you find you cannot get away from the loon, put your headphones in and read a book, if she says anything, just smile and point at your ears and look back down. EVen better than that, don't hang out in the viewing area, that is the place where most gym madness takes place.

 

[dancengym]

Thank you vagymmoma and bogwoppit. Vagymmoma, unfortunately, our team parent association, I've been told is worse. I've been told there has been several shouting matches by the parents of the higher levels. All the parents that took office, have left the gym and hence the association. Our association might be dissolved as we speak. There are many wonderful parents at our gym but sometimes one "bad seed" (don't mean to sound mean. I could not think of a better description) is all it takes to stir up bad feelings within the gym.

Bogwoppit, how does it make you feel when a parent is ecstatic over your own daughter's misfortune? I don't know about you, but it would upset me, particularly if my daughter was very sad about her performance. All our kids want to do well and work hard. And to have someone laugh (albeit not blatantly laughing) at them, is unconscionable. BTW, the headphone suggestion is pretty funny.

 

[jdf]

Try to stay away from her. There is nothing you can do to change her craziness. Just block out what she is saying and try not to think about it. It doesn't mean anything to you. You will find these moms at soccer games, cheerleading, college admissions, everywhere. They are insecure and have to be the best. Be grateful that you aren't one of them, and stay focused on your wonderful dd.

 

[bogwoppit]

Bogwoppit, how does it make you feel when a parent is ecstatic over your own daughter's misfortune? I don't know about you, but it would upset me, particularly if my daughter was very sad about her performance. All our kids want to do well and work hard. And to have someone laugh (albeit not blatantly laughing) at them, is unconscionable. BTW, the headphone suggestion is pretty funny.

It is a very unpleasant feeling to be sure. But I realise that I cannot fix her craziness, and in the end her behaviour ruined the sport for her child and mine is still competing. TUning her out, sitting elsewhere, even getting up and changing seats at meets "to get a better view" have been my tactics. I also try to limit my time at the gym as the moms all tend to congregate and chat. I find that I appreciate my DD's hard work much more when I see it less often.

When someone is happy that your kid fell etc and that means her kid might do better, it bites. But there was one time when my girl fell, hers did not, the smug look came out and my DD still placed higher. The smug look vanished. Karma is a wonderful thing.

I know it is very hard for you, but know that there are crazies in every gym, we have so many threads here about this. One Mom even posted about how she would hide in the leo racks at the gym to avoid their crazy.

 

[LMV]

I think our gym has a pretty good group of parents in general but there are a few people I haven't really wanted to get to know better. To be fair perhaps my first impression is wrong and they just came across a bit too intense at first meeting. I do have to spend a fair amount of time watching practice because our daughter is young and has some medical issues and I want to make sure she is handling the level of training. I usually have our youngest asleep in the stroller for afternoon nap though so that usually is a good reason to seek out a quiet calm environment to monitor practice from.

 

[mumoftwogymnasts]

Sad to say I have come across a few of these parents, not just at gym, but also at school, soccer, football, singing lessons, school swim team.
I agree with Bogwoppit, it is impossible to change their craziness. I have had parents approach me directly and ask why my child is in a particular training group, why they were chosen for a particular part in the school play, how did my child get picked for something when their child didn't? I just politely point out that is was the coach/teachers decision, not mine and then attempt to move the conversation on.
If I have to wait at gym I always make sure I have a very interesting book to bury my head in and I sit in a quiet corner. Oh and sometimes I suddenly desperately need a coffee from the lobby

 

[Deleted member D3987]

give her the 'moutza'!

 

[Kiwi]

I'm lucky to have not encountered this so far. Our group of mums do chat together and compare notes, I suppose there is a little bit of mild rivalry, but we are also very supportive of each other and complimentary about each other's DDs. I know my DD does compare herself to the other girls in her class and wants to do better than them, but I think this is more of a healthy rivalry. I can't imagine any of us being glad that somebody fell off the beam.

I would probably try to ignore this person. If she kept getting in my face I suppose eventually I would say something, such as "I'd rather not discuss it, thanks" and try to not get drawn into any further discussion.

 

[nettyinpa]

I know it is very hard for you, but know that there are crazies in every gym, we have so many threads here about this. One Mom even posted about how she would hide in the leo racks at the gym to avoid their crazy.

That's just too funny.
:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

I've gotten up and changed seats or hidden in the bathroom but never in a rack of leos!

ANyway, we've all experienced this to some degree. However, I can honestly say I've never come across any parent basically wishing my dd to fall. Typically we've all been very supportive of each other, cheering each other's dd's on. I agree with what everyone else has said. Just steer clear of her if at all possible. Hang out with other, more sane moms. As far as the parent's organization goes, don't get involved if they're caddy like that. It's just not worth it. Maybe some day down the road when they realize no one is joining their organization they'll see the error in their ways and re-think things.

 

[cher062]

You can't control what other people say or do only how you react to what they do. My advice is to ignore this person. Yes it may bother you but honestly unless it is affecting my DD's progress and practice I try to stay clear of all that political Crap that "Those types of parents" put out there.

I don't mean to sound harsh here but really what do you care if she brings her DD in at unscheduled times thats between her and the gym if they allow it and it seems like they are then really there isn't alot you can do.

Just pay attention to your DD and what she is or isn't doing. Rise above this gym drama.

 

[emacmommy]

Dunno - ROTFLMAO!

 

[bookworm]

The advice you have received about ignoring this lunatic is good but in the real world it's tough to ignore the person when you know they're gunning for your kid...that said, I would try to avoid her and her child at all costs and I would NOT join the parents' association if you already know that it has issues. As my husband has always said " people might be rooting for your kid, but they're not always rooting for her to win" (and this would be the mothers you and Bog describe!!)

The reason this woman is competitive like this is because her daughter's gymnastics is HER life. Someone posted on CB an article about how the compulsory levels don't really impact the optional levels (it's a good read) but a lot of parents in the compulsory levels (which 4 is) think if their kid doesn't win states then they won't be a good gymnast ...and they can only win states if they beat your kid so the craziness begins early on.

Just be supportive of your daughter and success will be her best revenge...I remember one of the mom's (a similar type to the one you describe) was always tracking my daughter and saying things about her because her skills were above her daughter's and one day she said to me
"it must be easier for your daughter to do the handspring layout on the beam because she has such small feet" and I replied (because by this point I'd had enough) "well when your daughter's feet were smaller two years ago, how many handspring layouts was she landing?" She was flabbergasted and she never made another remark to me...

 

[Bajanswife]

I'm lucky to have not encountered this so far. Our group of mums do chat together and compare notes, I suppose there is a little bit of mild rivalry, but we are also very supportive of each other and complimentary about each other's DDs. I know my DD does compare herself to the other girls in her class and wants to do better than them, but I think this is more of a healthy rivalry. I can't imagine any of us being glad that somebody fell off the beam.

This is how our mums are too. I've only been to one meet, but at that meet all the mums sat together and supported every child from our gym. When our level 3s were competing, the non-level 3 mums and their DDs were there to watch and cheer for us, and vice versa. I spent a long day in the meet gym supporting the higher level competitors, because that's just what we do at our gym. And when any of our kids falls or screws up badly, we all commiserate with her mum.

Training sessions are usually not watched by the mums, at least not the whole session. Mums will start trickling in from about 45 minutes before the session ends (I'm usually first, because I just like to watch - I enjoy it, and it isn't discouraged), and in the last 15-20 minutes of practice the mums chat. I have never heard any of the mums say anything that I find inappropriate. Some may think it, and may say things outside the gym, but somehow they never say things in the gym. Maybe it's because the culture of our gym doesn't encourage that sort of talk.

 

[cathiann]

Just be supportive of your daughter and success will be her best revenge...I remember one of the mom's (a similar type to the one you describe) was always tracking my daughter and saying things about her because her skills were above her daughter's and one day she said to me
"it must be easier for your daughter to do the handspring layout on the beam because she has such small feet" and I replied (because by this point I'd had enough) "well when your daughter's feet were smaller two years ago, how many handspring layouts was she landing?" She was flabbergasted and she never made another remark to me...

Had to LOL at that comment!!

 

[cathiann]

This is how our mums are too. I've only been to one meet, but at that meet all the mums sat together and supported every child from our gym. When our level 3s were competing, the non-level 3 mums and their DDs were there to watch and cheer for us, and vice versa. I spent a long day in the meet gym supporting the higher level competitors, because that's just what we do at our gym. And when any of our kids falls or screws up badly, we all commiserate with her mum.

Training sessions are usually not watched by the mums, at least not the whole session. Mums will start trickling in from about 45 minutes before the session ends (I'm usually first, because I just like to watch - I enjoy it, and it isn't discouraged), and in the last 15-20 minutes of practice the mums chat. I have never heard any of the mums say anything that I find inappropriate. Some may think it, and may say things outside the gym, but somehow they never say things in the gym. Maybe it's because the culture of our gym doesn't encourage that sort of talk.

This is the way our gym is too--at least all the parents that I'm around anyway. In the original posters case, not much you can do about the extra unpaid sessions if the owners don't put a stop to it--they seriously need to talk to the mom--what if everyone started doing that??

I'd personally have a hard time if another mom made comments to me comparing our kids. Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses. Mine might be better at some things, but worse at others. Is this other mom commenting to you??

 

[notapsycho]

As far as extra lessons, etc. those are gym policies. However, as far as the comparison issue, keep in mind that in a weird kind of way, that is a compliment to your daughter's skill. So next time, just look at the parent and say thanks with a smile.

We are fortunate enough to have to deal with this issue as well.

 

[mariposa]

Sadly, these types of parents are everywhere. I actually have stopped going in to watch my daughter because of one mom in particular, but even just sitting near this mom and the moms that always stay, too, is just too much to bear. The negativity towards the coaching, the constant criticizing of their own girls, is just too much. I have slowly become pretty unsocial. I drop my DD off outside. When I come to pick her up, I walk by every, say "hi" and go somewhere else. Sometimes in the leos, sometimes just far away from all the drama. If I have to stay for some reason, I bring my laptop and sit far away from everyone. Makes things much more pleasant.

We have one mom that seems to like to cause drama everywhere she goes (I know her outside of the gym, too) and she will tell parents that their kid got in trouble, was giving coach attitude, etc, but then when that was checked with the coach, it wasn't true. Same thing with what group kid was in, she likes to make parents doubt how their kid is doing. "Is XX competing? Really? I wonder why she wasn't with the competing level 5s then?" I just ignore her (and anyone sitting near her when I get to practice, so I look like the anti-social one, oh well). And she is one of those moms that stares at her kid the whole practice, coaching through the window with her facial expressions, etc. She will call her out of practice to discipline her, too. My daughter thinks she is scary, very sad for her daughter.

I used to think that having team practice closed to parents was a bad idea, but I don't anymore.

 

[NGL780309]

The advice you have received about ignoring this lunatic is good but in the real world it's tough to ignore the person when you know they're gunning for your kid...that said, I would try to avoid her and her child at all costs and I would NOT join the parents' association if you already know that it has issues. As my husband has always said " people might be rooting for your kid, but they're not always rooting for her to win" (and this would be the mothers you and Bog describe!!)

The reason this woman is competitive like this is because her daughter's gymnastics is HER life. Someone posted on CB an article about how the compulsory levels don't really impact the optional levels (it's a good read) but a lot of parents in the compulsory levels (which 4 is) think if their kid doesn't win states then they won't be a good gymnast ...and they can only win states if they beat your kid so the craziness begins early on.

Just be supportive of your daughter and success will be her best revenge...I remember one of the mom's (a similar type to the one you describe) was always tracking my daughter and saying things about her because her skills were above her daughter's and one day she said to me
"it must be easier for your daughter to do the handspring layout on the beam because she has such small feet" and I replied (because by this point I'd had enough) "well when your daughter's feet were smaller two years ago, how many handspring layouts was she landing?" She was flabbergasted and she never made another remark to me...

Genreally our parent group is great, but I've had a few comments like this from a competitive parent who has since left the gym. My DD is pretty good for her age at our gym. I know at any other gym in the country she would be just average, but there are no other 5 year olds doing what she does at our gym. I got a lot of comments about how she has skills or can do things because her dad is a gym coach. Like, oh that explains why she's a 5 year old L4. When in reality her dad doesn't coach her at all and lives 1000 miles away. He has never been her coach. Everything she does is because she worked hard. The skills weren't any easier for her just because of her dad. Luckily that parent has moved on to another gym. I still will hear from a parent from time to time a comment about her dad and her skill level. I'll explain through gritted teeth, that no he has nothing to do with her gym. I think they think he's at home coaching her every night or something.

They were working kips last night and a mom I know very well and like said something like I'm sure she will get it quick, it's in her genes. Um, no I'm pretty sure he didn't pass the ability to do a kip in his DNA. If she gets it faster than others it will be because of her, not him.