Dunno, I understand that I do not understand. But how should we, as parents, deal with fear? The child returns from practice crying and depressed for days or even weeks. I can't stand to see her this distressed. At what point do we say "enough!" I don't think I could go through that kind of drama again.
I do think we're being a bit harsh on you, and I apologize. I'm not a parent (and I have no intention of ever being one), and I lack any frame of reference or comprehension of what these sorts of struggles are like from the perspective of a parent. All I can go by is my perspective as a coach and former gymnast.
In my opinion, the best thing for a parent to do to help their kid get through fear at the gym is nothing at all.
The drive to succeed, the drive to improve, the drive to overcome challenges; it's best when all of that comes from the kid. It's less than ideal for it to come from the coach, but it can work in a pinch. But it should NOT come from the parents. In my experience, the kids that do the best, that stick with it the longest, that continue to love the sport and the gym, tend to have parents who are unconditionally supportive, and do not put any sort of pressure on their kids to succeed. Kids should not feel pressure from their parents in gymnastics. They should not feel like they have to live up to their parents expectations. They should NEVER be made to feel like their parents are disappointed in their efforts and accomplishments as gymnasts.
Sometimes they need to be pushed, yes. This push should come from the coaches, and from the gymnasts themselves.
Far more often though, the solution is to take a step back, take the pressure off, and give the kid some space to stop stressing about the skill. Often, simply saying to a kid "it's ok, you can do the skill whenever you feel ready" will make a HUGE difference, because then you're giving ownership of the skill back to the kid.
If a gymnast does a skill only because she was bullied and frightened into it, what has she accomplished? What does she have to be proud of? She hasn't conquered her fear. She hasn't found within herself the strength to overcome the challenge. She hasn't really gotten anything worthwhile out of the process.
So to answer your question, my opinion (as somebody who has been doing coaching for 10 years and doing gymnastics for 20) is that the best thing for you to do when your daughter faces this sort of challenge is to do absolutely nothing. Ask her about her other skills, her other events, talk to her about the stuff she wants to talk about. Let her focus on what she's proud of. If she wants to talk to you about her fears, she will, but it's better if she brings it up, not you.
But again, my expertise is in coaching, not in parenting, so my perspective is limited.
EDIT: I'll give an example. One of my own girls has been struggling with fear issues on her flyaway, and her first level 5 meet is this weekend. She loves bars, and is absolutely beautiful to watch when she's swinging, and when she does her flyaway it is a thing of beauty. But when you say the word "flyaway," her usual smile vanishes, and suddenly she's not having fun anymore. Suddenly she's afraid, terrified even, to go to an event which is otherwise her best event. This is how bars practice has generally gone for the last week or two.
Last night, I told her that I'm not going to have her compete the flyaway this weekend. She will do her routine, then simply drop off the bar in the back swing, stick, finish, and salute. She'll take the deduction, and it will probably cost her any chance of placing on the event, and this is the one event on which she would have been most likely to win on.
But after I told her this, she was not only visibly more relaxed and more eager to work on bars, but she even came to me and asked if she could take a few extra turns to work flyaway drills with a spot.
This weekend, she will not be competing her flyaway. She will take a massive deduction for it.
I don't care. When we walk out of that meet, I will pat her on the back and tell her -- with complete sincerity -- that I'm proud of her.
Because now, that flyaway is no longer the skill I want her to get; it's the skill SHE wants her to get. She'll work at it until she's ready, and then she'll get it, and it will be a major accomplishment for her.
In the process, she'll learn something far more important than how to flip off a bar. She will learn that when faced with a seemingly insurmountable challenge, all she has to do is be patient and take it one step at a time. She will learn patience and perseverance. Most importantly, she will learn to find within herself the inner strength to conquer her own fears. If I can give her all that, and all it costs is one score on one event at one meet, then I think I'm getting a pretty good deal on that trade.
