Parents What to do when coach style not a good fit?

[suebee]

Dd is 6 and training level 3. When moves up to level 3 shortly, she will have new coaches. At her gym, coaches typically coach only 1-2 levels so kids get new coaches as they move up.

Dd has worked with one of the level 3 coaches a few times when she's subbed for one of her coaches. She also has seen this coach working with the level 3s when dd is practicing with her group regularly.

She said, in her 6 year old way, that this coach is mean because she yells a lot and she is unfair because she yells at her whole group when only a few kids are doing something wrong, like taking too much. Dd says that she should only yell at the kids who are doing the wrong thing, not all the kids.

Dd is a people pleaser, works hard, and is a rule follower. She also does not like yelling and tends to withdraw when she is being yelled at, especially when she thinks it is unfair. She said today that she's not sure she wants to move up to level 3 because she doesn't want to work with this coach and is thinking about quitting.

I know dd and I know that she won't do well with that kind of a coach, where as my ds (non-gymmie ) is very able to tune it out and not letting it affect him personally.

Should I let her quit over this? Would you consider a gym change for this?

 

[Faith]

I tell her that sometimes it takes a little while to get to know people, to know what they like and dislike. When she has her regularly she will learn names, and who works best with what type of coaching.

If otherwise you like the gym I think you still have options.

First is to ask your dd to give this coach a chance. Put a time limit on it, 4 weeks, 8 weeks, summer break- then see if she still doesn't like the coach. Likely you'll know beforehand but a limit will help your dd understand it's temporary, and can be changed.

Second is is there another l3 group she could join?

Have you seen the coach in action? What do you think?

 

[GYM0M]

Tough call. A couple of things come to mind. How do you feel about the coach? Do you think this coach is derogatory and ineffective?
If you do, then yes, consider a gym change. If not, explain to your young dd that the coach just wants her (& everyone else's) best effort when in class. There will likely be 'yellers' in every gym. The sooner she realizes that it's not personal, the more she will be able to learn from this coach. However, if the coach is not productive, change gyms!

 

[gymmomx2]

We did move gyms and this was one of the reasons. Not yelling, but regular harsh lecturing to the entire team at the end of practice when the issue was only relevant to a few kids. We told DS to tune it out if he felt it didn't apply to him but he is very empathetic and it really affected him. He said coach was never happy. This + other coaching issues and we moved - DS is much happier now

If you have other good gyms nearby, moving might be a good option if you are sure she will get this coach next year. 6-7 year olds should not have to deal with this kind of coaching if it affects them negatively.

 

[suebee]

I don't stay for practice and have not seen the coach in action. Even if I stayed, I wouldn't be able to hear, only see, as the observation area is outside the gym with windows.

There are 2 l3 groups, a higher and a lower group. I posted about that a while back. Dd was invited to the higher group but the schedule of the lower group works better for us. I did not know until today but dd says is the yeller is the main coach for the lower group but she also sometimes helps coach the higher group, but not all the time. I think this is based on her observations, and she doesn't practice at the same time as the higher group all the time either so I'm not sure whether she knows.

Dd says she is willing to try the higher group but definitely doesn't want to do the lower group because of the coach. But she has some reluctance to do the higher group as well.

I know dd and she has the personality that she can kind of get through anything, although she may not be happy about it. I'm just not sure it's the right thing to do.

 

[AcroA21]

I would observe a practice with this coach. Yelling at the whole group is a common thing, I would tell her that the coach only wants the best for them and it shows they care enough that they do well. It's better than a coach who is disconnected. Every gym I have ever been into especially the really good ones the coaches yell, she will never get away from that. If she ever expects to do very well she will have to learn how not to take this personal. I would also talk to your daughter and see how committed she is. If she is already wanting to quit that would be a red flag for me. On top of that most gyms you go to you and her will have no say about what coach she is with especially if she's on team.

 

[lovemygymnast]

I would ask her to give it a chance. She may like her much more than she thinks. We have a coach that I swear, did not yell anyone else's name when she started on 4. I remember thinking,"geesh! She doesn't know anybody else's name! Good grief! I bet she hates it & wants to quit!". Turns out, this coach expected more from her than the other girls & it was a compliment...or so my dd says. She said,"a lot of girls say coach X is mean, but I think she's tough on us because she wants us to do well." Wow! My 7 year old gets it but me, the adult was overly sensitive. So, maybe tell her that? But also, if you see it's truly a problem, I wouldn't mind taking the coach aside or sending an email just basically stating that when she's yelled at, she shuts down? If that doesn't work, I'd start looking around for a new gym.

 

[Learning Parent GB]

Elitefire24 - I found your post very interesting. I think that lectures and disappointment can affect a child as much as yelling. But I can safely say that I have NEVER heard a coach yell while my daughter has been doing gym.

My son plays football and other than yelling to be heard, I see no reason for yelling there either. His old team coach started yelling because he couldn't control the boys. My son now trains elsewhere with much more able coaches and.... no yelling. So to me yelling is a sign of a poor coaching set up.


DD has had plenty of tough talking from the coaches though., which I think applies to the op here.

 

[wallinbl]

Many kids don't like change and only like the coaches they're used to. Most of them get over it after a few weeks/months. Have her give it a go for a while and see how it turns out.

 

[Learning Parent GB]

Many kids don't like change and only like the coaches they're used to. Most of them get over it after a few weeks/months. Have her give it a go for a while and see how it turns out.

Very true. due to a gym change last year, my DD is on her 4th main coach in less than 12 months. Each change she has been nervous and thought the one she was moving up to was scary and strict. Each time it has actually turned out well.

I hope it goes well for your DD whichever group she ends up in.

 

[suebee]

Dd is usually not particularly anxious about change. She has no problem with a new teacher at school, and she is very much the type to give everyone a good chance.

Dd also knows the difference between strict and mean. I actually think she appreciates strict, but she very much dislikes mean. She is probably more sensitive than most kids, and because she is such a people pleaser and goes out of her way to please people, especially coaches and teachers, I think it is very hard for her to deal with what she perceives to be unfair yelling. She feels like the consequence for her good behavior should be lack of yelling. She is not even looking for praise, but just lack of yelling.

From what I understand from her, this is not yelling to be heard yelling, but yelling as an expression of anger or frustration.

 

[lovegymnastics22]

This is a great thread for me because we are going through a similar thing and I hope more people will share advise.

My 7YO sounds exactly like yours- very hard worker, rule follower. and very much wants to please grown-ups. We recently switched gyms and she has had a tough time with the transition and all the new coaches and coaching styles to the point where she said she wanted to quit. I think I made a real mistake by not talking to the coaches earlier and just telling her (and hoping) that it would get better once she got used to them and understood what they wanted from her. I finally did go in and told them that she needed more positive reinforcement that she was doing OK and let them know that the tough-love style was stressing her out to the point where it wasn't fun anymore. She really takes it as a sign that she is failing her coaches. I do feel strongly that these are great, kind coaches but that as a PP said, she just interprets this in her 7YO brain as "mean" vs "nice". And I am definitely not a coddling momma so it was very hard for me to ask this, but really, she is just a little girl going through a huge transition and needed to be cut a little slack. So I really don't know if she will quit, but I have said to her that we should try to make it better first. She's supposed to do her first TOPs test in two months so I think I am going to set a deadline as was suggested and tell her she should wait until then to decide so she has a chance to see what it is like, and then she can switch to another activity if she is still unhappy. FWIW, the coaches were really understanding and supportive and they don't want her to quit, so they were very open to doing what they could to support her through this.

So I guess I'm saying that it is worth going in and talking to the coaches, and telling your DD that you are going to do that to try to make it better, before switching gyms. There's a lot of stress that can go along with having to get used to new coaches that comes with switching gyms and it would have been much easier for me to have this conversation in our old gym where they knew my daughter better and I wouldn't have felt so weird about having to approach the coaches about this.

 

[Anna's_Mom]

Sadly, there will always be teachers, coaches, and others who will yell when frustrated. Although your daughter is young, she will need to be able to deal with this at some point. My DD sounds much like yours -- people pleaser, rule follower, very sensitive to "unfair" and "mean", dislikes loud in general (except for her own voice ok course ). We've had this issue several times over the years. I've always asked her to give the new person a chance. Maybe her perception from the outside isn't accurate, maybe coach is different with different children, maybe she's having a bad time in her life, whatever. Sometimes, realistically, the person in question must be tolerated because there is no other option. I would hate to see a child quit a sport, or leave a gym, before giving the new coach a chance. And if it didn't work, I'd probably try to talk to the coach and see if modifications are possible before completely leaving a gym. Always, assuming, of course, that the girls are safe and this is not so extreme as to cross to bullying.

The only reason that I might hesitate to take this tactic with your child is that she is so young and working with a coach at all has got to be a relatively new experience. If she is willing to try the higher group and you can make it work, that might be the best option. But if you just can't, then you and she have a choice to make. Changing gyms might be better, but then again, the coach at the new gym might be similar and you wouldn't know that until you had changed, possibly burning bridges so you can't go back. Hard to say. I guess, in the end, I'm a "better the known problem than the unknown one" sort of person.

 

[Judybird]

This is a tough one because you would hate to "make" her stay in any sport that she didn't want to do. But, it would be a real shame for her to quit solely because of one yelling coach. First, she'll never know what kind of coaching relationship they might have developed given some time. But more importantly, she'll learn that avoiding "mean" people is an option in life. It isn't an option, even at 6. Learning to work with difficult personalities is yet another priceless life lesson that we gain from this sport.

 

[z2akids]

First of all, you have to keep your DD physically and emotionally safe. If there is verbal or emotional abuse, then absolutely leave immediately.

Now, gyms can be loud places and sometimes coaches raise their voices to be heard and it isn't yelling per se, but can be perceived that way, especially by kids who aren't used to raised voices. As for yelling at the whole group rather than just the offenders, she may be trying to reinforce the idea that they are a team and each responsible for the other. We have coaches who give extra conditioning to the whole group for the actions of one or a few.

I would likely give it a try, but keep a close eye on it. And, remember, you said that the lower group has a lot of goofing off. Perhaps the yelling is justified to an extent and won't be a factor in the higher group.

 

[gymmomx2]

If the child were older, I'd be more inclined to ask her if she can deal with it. At 6 yo and having already worked with the coach occasionally, I'd say you should listen to her when she says she doesn't want to be with this coach. No coach should be yelling at 6 year olds out of frustration, whether it's yelling at one child or at a whole group. I want higher standards for someone who works with my child several hours a week.

First thing I'd do is observe a few practices with this coach. Then if the yelling is indeed frustration/angry yelling, I'd have a chat with the coach. If nothing changes as a result of the chat, I'd be out of there whether or not there were other gym options nearby.

 

[skschlag]

I would definitely watch a bit. I have noticed over the years that a child's definition of yelling is not always yelling. It can be just frustrated talking or disciplining (I don't know how often my kiddo will tell me I am yelling when I have not raised my voice). On the flip side, I am a naturally loud person. So I can see how someone who isn't used to it could consider it yelling. I am just loud

So I think she should try the groups, and maybe you should watch, to see what you think.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

I would definitely watch a bit. I have noticed over the years that a child's definition of yelling is not always yelling. It can be just frustrated talking or disciplining (I don't know how often my kiddo will tell me I am yelling when I have not raised my voice). On the flip side, I am a naturally loud person. So I can see how someone who isn't used to it could consider it yelling. I am just loud

So I think she should try the groups, and maybe you should watch, to see what you think.

This, especially if you haven't seen the coach in action. One of our coaches, we call him cranky.

It is his nature, he gruff and loud, pretty much all serious. He is not mean or belittling. That would be a different thing.

 

[Committed]

I think you're jumping the gun a bit here - she doesn't even have this coach, yet. Once DD gets this coach, and you are able to watch a bit of practice, you will get a better understanding of the coach.
I have heard many parents remark that DDs gym coach is strict, mean, and expects too much from little girls. However, if you asked DD, or any of the girls on the team (or their parents), they would laugh. All the girls LOVE their coach. She is much tougher than many other coaches, but she is an amazing coach who expects a lot of the girls, and they do their best to rise to their coach's expectations.

 

[ZJsMom]

When my ds was about 8, he started working with a coach who is very loud and pretty strict. For the first several months he was scared of him. Eventually, though, they figured each other out and turned out to work really well together.