WAG What to do with DD who doesn't feel like her coach believes in her ability?

[CameraShy]

^^^ I was thinking exactly this. It may be tough for the older girls to have a younger one doing the same skills just as well or better. It would be worth reminding your DD of that as well. She still has many years ahead when she will be the older/more experienced one probably being asked to demonstrate.

 

[iwannacoach]

Sure it's nice to have a coach express their respect for your ability, but that's not nearly as important as believing, yourself, in your ability. Have that belief and work hard enough to make the coach worry you're working too hard........

That'll get some attention either now or when it really counts in the future.

 

[kandkfunk]

My DD had a coach that did not like her. It was very clear not only to me but other parents on the team. My DD also picked up on it. This coach didn't want my daughter on the team, but there wasn't anything she could do about it (my DD was already on team when she was hired). It was a very rough first season (it was her first year of old level 4). Thankfully, there were some assistant coaches who helped fill the coaching gap. Ironically, one was the sister of this coach.

People thought I should have made more of an issue with the owner, but my thought was that she will encounter people throughout her life that don't like her and I wanted her to learn how to work with this woman. My DD was 8 at the time. She learned how to work hard and believe in herself through the process. By the end of the season, the coach at least respected my DD's work ethic even if she still wasn't her biggest fan.

Will this type of situation work for all kids? Probably not. But it worked for my DD. There was never any mental abuse or other red flags. It was just a case of two personalities not meshing. In retrospect, the situation made my DD work hard, helped her believe in herself and was probably one of the reasons she stuck with the sport for so long. Sometimes, these situations can have a positive side.

 

[Ex member]

This is a subject that has been on my mind, along with some self doubt that dd is progressing, as have come to realise that there is no issue or otherwise I would have been told.

My youngest dd has low esteem and it is now my job to build her up, like I have been told it doesn't matter what the rest do, it is dd that matters and she is progressing compared to a year ago and she has increased her physical abilities score each time they test - I am sure that one day she will not improve her score but that doesn't mean anything apart from dd might be having an "off day" when they test.

Going back to the subject to the coach, I sometimes wonder about how dd is with, with the coach, and wether she believes in dd. I know dad's coach believes in her as she has to get special permission for her to join her group as she was so young at the time compared to her team mates, dd is quiet and she does take a while to get new skills, partly due to her own disbelief (in my opinion) but when she gets news skills she gets several at once and then nothing more will happen for a while. Dd is a hard worker at gym and she does listen but finds it hard to speak up when needs to but she is getting better at that. Dd told me she got "shouted" at one the beam the other week as she spending ages doing forwards rolls (she can do them but she has a favourite beam and she has has a small growth spurt), my older dd was nearby and told me to coach shouted across to her to hurry up, a bit different to youngest dad's interuptation of it..

Dd is next at the gym on 6th January and this year I will make an extra effort to build her up, I have already been telling her that many of her school class mates cannot do what she can do.

 

[wallflower]

I think I'd be more concerned that she felt the need to be the center of attention or it meant the coach didn't like her. It's important to be humble in this sport and it's actually very possible the teammate was picked to demonstrate something because she was doing it better. I'd be very concerned if my child felt upset by that.

It's possible, just possible, not saying this is the case, that some of your ideas about her level placement and how she is better than the other girls have rubbed off on her. If I recall you have been displeased that she is competing level 6, when originally you said she was doing 7 and then skipping to level 9. Just be careful that the parents dissatisfaction is not impacting the child's attitude. It has been my experience in this sport that the parents influence a lot of how the kids see themselves. If you say things around her about how she is better than her teammates she may feel surprised/hurt when the coach doesn't necessarily agree or see what mommy sees.

10 really is a pretty average age for level 6. Especially in Texas. You should have her look around a little bit at all the 10-11 year olds doing upper level optionals in your state. Then perhaps she wouldn't feel such a complex of being so young or younger than everyone. I would really doubt the coaches have an issue of having kids 3 years apart. Seems pretty common in gymnastics.

 

[Seeker]

DD prefers it when coach ignores her but as a paying consumer, I resent that my DD is receiving half the coaching for the same price. But I made the decision to give it one more season so I can hardly complain about it now.

I would have a very hard time with this. I hope you can use this as a lesson for your daughter that just because someone is an adult doesn't mean they make the right decisions or that they are kind. It would also upset me that the owner/HC tolerates that behavior by a coach. I hope the season goes by fast.

We are barely into our season and I am already kicking myself for not leaving earlier this year when we already had one foot out the door. At this point, because my DD is saying she doesn't want to leave her gym, I'm encouraging other sports and activities to try to transition her away. It just isn't healthy for a child to have to listen to an adult insult her 5 days a week and my mommy guilt is in high drive this season.

Maybe you just tell her you're making the decision and if she wants to continue with gymnastics, it will be somewhere else. She can decide if she wants to try another gym, but that once season is over, she's done with current gym. It really really stinks that you're in this position, but maybe taking the decision out of her hands will ease things a bit for her. Good luck.

 

[Popcorn]

My daughter is coached by a coach who doesn't like her. Seriously....has openly admitted that she feels punished when she has to work with my DD. It really sucks and we almost left because of it. In hindsight, I wish I had gone ahead and made the move because the "coaching" DD has received from this coach is either nasty and negative or absolutely non-existent. DD prefers it when coach ignores her but as a paying consumer, I resent that my DD is receiving half the coaching for the same price. But I made the decision to give it one more season so I can hardly complain about it now.

I would at least drop the coach an email to ascertain if there is really a problem or if your DD was just feeling a little picked on that day. If it turns out that she is right and the coach truly doesn't like your DD, watch practice and see if it is affecting how well she coaches your daughter. I don't care if a coach doesn't like a kid as long as he/she is coaching them. But if your DD isn't receiving coaching, then you need to think long and hard about whether or not you will keep her in that environment.

We are barely into our season and I am already kicking myself for not leaving earlier this year when we already had one foot out the door. At this point, because my DD is saying she doesn't want to leave her gym, I'm encouraging other sports and activities to try to transition her away. It just isn't healthy for a child to have to listen to an adult insult her 5 days a week and my mommy guilt is in high drive this season.

cbifoja, I am so, so sorry for your situation. I cannot understand how this is allowed to go on, naïve though I may be to the world of gymnastics. What a difficult spot for you all. I can understand not wanting to leave because of one mean coach (why should your daughter be the one to have to leave??) but also feeling guilty about her continued treatment

I want to go talk to this "coach" on behalf of your daughter right now. Anyone in a position of power who uses it to belittle those they are entrusted with does not deserve that title.

 

[Faith]

The chinese way of coaching is very different. They are there to coach, to correct, to perfect. They are not there to cheerlead, feed egos, make athletes feel better about themselves. That is parents and team mates job.

If your child is the type that needs positive praise or lots of feedback to feel they are doing well the chinese way might be a struggle. I know several kids with chinese coaches who have left their groups because they thought they were no good, because the coach never specifically told them they were good, iyswim....

 

[OzZee]

Interesting thread.
My dd has felt that one coach in particular didn't believe in her. She would get no corrections from this coach. There is a very strong A and B team divide in her squad and she has always felt the A team get more coaching time and attention. (Which they do as well as competition opportunities which then leads to more coaching time and the B team left to coach themselves.)
Having seen the same thing happen with a different group I came to realize it's more lazy coaching.
Luckily next year it's looking like she will have a coach who wants her to improve and who is constantly on top of her. Dd is working harder and more motivated than in years.

 

[Flossyduck]

I've been dealing with this for some time now, so had to reply, as I know how you are feeling.

My dd's coach puts her down in front of the head coach and that drives me crazy. The minute HC or the other more senior coach is around she will immediately start shouting and pointing out everything dd is doing wrong and that she has been telling her 'all session', when in truth she may not have glanced in dd's direction more than once or twice. DD gets complimented far more by the other coaches than she does her own and even when another coach stops to compliment something dd is doing, her own coach will play it down and say 'yeah, not bad, but she needs to work on so and so'. Sometimes it definitely comes across that she doesn't believe in her.

It's tough for me to watch, especially when some of the other coaches are so supportive and protective of their gymnasts and big them up. But luckily my dd has a lot of self belief. She is a very tough cookie and she's very smart. She's worked it out and she will tell me that coach was 'just stressed' or 'feels under pressure when HC is watching'. She's become very good at remembering the positive comments and zoning out the bad. I'm really proud of her for that, because there's nothing she can do about it but try and take the positives and keep moving on.

All you can do is keep boosting your dd's self belief and letting her know that you believe in her. Brush off any concerns or comments she makes about her coach not thinking she's good enough and play them right down. I say things like 'of course she believes in you, she wouldn't care and shout or bother to correct you if she didn't believe in what you can do' ' if she didn't think you could do better, she'd not bother' and say it as though you mean it. And sometimes I'll agree with her that coaches are human and if head coach is watching, might feel the need to get anxsty and shouty, but it's no big deal.

She has to be able to deal with it and be cool with it.

 

[cbifoja]

cbifoja, I am so, so sorry for your situation. I cannot understand how this is allowed to go on, naïve though I may be to the world of gymnastics. What a difficult spot for you all. I can understand not wanting to leave because of one mean coach (why should your daughter be the one to have to leave??) but also feeling guilty about her continued treatment

I want to go talk to this "coach" on behalf of your daughter right now. Anyone in a position of power who uses it to belittle those they are entrusted with does not deserve that title.

Thank you but I wasn't ignorant of the problems when I decided not to leave at the beginning of this season. I made the mistake of letting my emotions play a part in the decision when I usually live by the "just the facts ma'am". Talks have been had, promises have been made, promises have been broken, and nothing will ultimately change. However, I was aware of this from the get go and will just have to suck it up because I'm lying in the bed I made.

It is just sad that a coach who is as talented as this woman is can't see how much more she would get out her gymnasts if she would take a different approach. I hate it for my DD because this woman has a WEALTH of knowledge that she could really use in her artistry but it is withheld from her because she isn't one of those kids who can make instant corrections. But what is the point of having all that knowledge and wonderful things to teach if you can't relate to a kid unless she picks up on what you say the first time???

I teach so I TOTALLY get how some kids just rub you the wrong way and yes, teachers, just like coaches, have kids they like more than others and kids who just pick up things easier than others. But I would never be working with one group of kids and just randomly invoke another kid's name as an example of what is "bad". And I can't imagine I would be employed very long if I simply refused to teach a child because they didn't get it the first time I explained a concept.

 

[Flossyduck]

^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Wow. Some of this I can relate to and some I can just empathise with. Massive hugs to you cbifoja.

Remember that hindsight is a wonderful thing. As parents we make decisions based on the information in front of us and what we feel is best. It's so hard and we cannot possibly get it right all the time. But we don't set out to make the wrong decision or to cause problems for our kids, quite the opposite.

And sometimes we have to believe that other people will play their part and we try and anticipate what this will mean. And sometimes they let us down. And then you want to scream!