WAG When is enough enough - mean coach?

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Melboogie

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My daughter fell on her double BHS and is now struggling with it, again. She previously lost it about 1 1/2 years ago but gained it back through persistence. She also recently lost her BWO on beam due to a fall. Can a coach switch up routines during competition season to lighten the pressure? The past practice before competition coach scratched my daughter from the entire meet because she wouldn't throw her skills during a certain time frame. Is it normal practice to scratch a gymnast from an entire meet? When a coach scratches someone do they just tell the athlete or do they also have a conversation with the parent? In my case, her assistant called me and when I came in to speak with coach she was busy on vault with other girls and couldn't come out. She seems to always avoid parent communication.

My daughter, btw she's 10, tells me her coach scares her. She told me that she doesn't like when her coach embarrasses her in front of others. Particularly when she scream out at her from across the gym calling her out. My daughter doesn't respond well to that type of pressure. She actually shuts down. I had to once practically beg the coach to have a conversation with her and my daughter to work things out which we did and everything was fine until this past weekend. My daughter is still having trouble with her BWO on beam and hr double BHS. I tried to have a speak with her and she told my daughter that she shouldn't talk to me about gymnastics and that she has nothing to say to us (her parents).

A few weeks ago, when my daughter was doing really well with her skills, I asked about the path to college gymnastics. My email went unanswered and when my kid was having trouble on beam she told my daughter "You can't even do a BWO on beam and you mom is asking about college gymnastics". How could you tell a kid that? I do know that she also makes some of the girls on my daughters bronze team cry.

This all has me so furious but my daughter doesn't want to quit. I don't think any child's sport should be this stressful and I am thinking about moving to another gym after finishing out the season. I'm so tempted to write to the owner and complain but I'm afraid it'll make matters worse while my daughter finishes out the season.

What would you do? Sorry for the book
 
Some kids respond to the "tough love" kind of coach really well, but if they don't and your child wants to keep at it see if there are other options. They only have so many years in the sport, why spend it with a coach that makes them feel bad about themselves.
 
Switch gyms. Idk how much more time is in your season, but I wouldn't stay if you can avoid it. The damage to your kid's psyche isn't worth a meet or two. Public shaming is NOT tough love. If we wouldn't accept it from their math teacher, we shouldn't accept it from their gymnastics coach.
 
I would be finding another gym 100%.
It is NEVER ok to tell my kid that she should not be talking to me about something in her life. As a parent I am well aware that my responses to her should not include coaching her on gym skills, but she is always allowed to ask whatever.
I am a fairly strict parent and would be totally fine with the coaches calling my dd out on fooling around or chitchatting instead of working, but it sounds like your dd's coach is making fun of her abilities- not ok.
And I would be pissed if anyone that any of my kids spends time with, told me they had nothing to say to me.
Thankfully our coaches are awesome, we can text them at any time and they often step out to mention any new skills or issues.
 
Also at age 10 I would probably let my dd decide if she want to finish the season where she is (I'm assuming a month or two?) but would be equally happy tp tey find her a new place mid season. And be sure to tell dd that how her coach is treating her is not ok.
 
Get her out of there. As twinmomma said, this is not tough love coaching, it's emotional abuse. There's no reason to humiliate a child over a fear issue and if the coach is refusing to have a conversation and change her tactics then there's nothing more to be said. Find a new gym and leave as quietly as possible.
 
I would pull my daughter immediately. It’s emotional abuse and it’s not worth the continued damage to her mind to stay and finish out a season.

And for a final note, if I am paying for tuition then I feel that I have every right to ask for a meeting and to talk to the coach about any concerns I may have. The coach refusing to meet with you is a major red flag.
 
So many red flags, get out! If your DD really wants to finish the season since it is so close to states/regionals, I would let her. But I would be shopping other gyms in the meantime. And, no, it is not normal to scratch a whole meet without communicating to the parent in some way. You paid for that meet. Even in our old gym, which had some tough coaches, would email and explain if even one event had to be scratched.

If it makes you feel better, my DD switched gyms when the coaches were not understanding about a block she was having (the very, very common BHS on beam block). My DD felt like such a failure. She is now in a very kind gym, is gaining skills, scoring high. But it took almost a whole year for her to get her confidence back -- she also had coaches yell at her from across the room, and belittle her when she balked. I think the longer you stay, the harder it is to recover!
 
As someone who has BTDT, switch gyms. It will not get better. Leave now while she is young and you can get her to a different gym. If there are no other gyms, then switch sports. Your kid's mental health isn't worth staying; it won't get better.
 
Move to a new gym asap...if the coach is scratching her from full meets , refusing to talk to the parents and berating and belittling her in front of others, you're just swirling the eddy. You literally have nothing to lose by moving her because you've lost meet fees, and your tuition dollars are going nowhere but making your daughter feel awful.

My huge caveat on this is KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT UNTIL YOU ARE OUT OF THAT GYM. You do your research quietly, you call gyms off a burner phone (or at least one that blocks your name) , you narrow it down to a gym or two, try them out, make a decision and move....and this all takes place within a week.....because the gymnastics community is very small and someone will out you, and you will be shown the door at your current gym anyway. After you have made the move, you then send an email letting them know that you are done there, period...no meeting face to face because it will only get uglier than it already has been... and good luck. What level is she btw?
 
^^^^^^ This, this this! Trust Bookworm! She and many others have changed gyms the easy and the hard way. Even going to the extreme measure of using a burner phone so you can’t be easily identified, matters. If you need to email, set up a new, free, anonymous account too. In the gym world, everyone seems to know everyone and who is moving gyms is a popular topic for parents, staff and often the gymnasts themselves.
 
Adults who are happy to yell at kids but are too cowardly to have a conversation with an adult have some serious issues and your child does not need to be exposed to that. Unfortunately these type of people seems to exist in the gymnastics world.
 
Get out. I've had a few kids with struggles throughout the season (illness, injury, fears) and plenty of kids scratching an event or two. Usually I would only have a kid scratch an entire meet if that was their choice or the only event they were prepared to compete was vault and even then I would probably leave the ultimate choice up to the parents. And usually if a scratch is on the horizon I will try to catch parents after practice to let them know what's happening.
I hate screaming and shaming and don't think they have any place in the gym. I know some kids respond to it, and I actually have parents who dislike me as a coach because I don't use those methods, but I think they do more harm than good to most kids. I would definitely start researching other options, and don't feel pressured to stick it out for the remainder of the season.
 
Some kids respond to the "tough love" kind of coach really well,

Define “tough love”. What the o/p described is not tough love, it’s bullying and abuse.

There is no place in modern sport for “tough love”. The kids you think respond to it well often appear ok for a few years, then burn out or injure. In the meantime their self confidence and mh has been destroyed.

Been there, done that.

O/p listen to bookworm. Find another gym. If you don’t want to midnight flit the other option is for her to “quit”. Leave it a few weeks then start looking for another gym.
 
Define “tough love”. What the o/p described is not tough love, it’s bullying and abuse.

There is no place in modern sport for “tough love”. The kids you think respond to it well often appear ok for a few years, then burn out or injure. In the meantime their self confidence and mh has been destroyed.
Unfortunately, if the screaming/shaming type behavior from the coach results in quickly acquiring skills or competitive success, it's viewed as a productive methodology and gets called things like "tough love." Because it's tough, but it works, and we love the way your child is performing- so tough love. And it spreads. If one coach does it in the gym, it's likely others will start following along because they see it working. Unfortunately, working just refers to what you see on the outside- the skills being learned, the scores, the rapid progression through the levels- not necessarily how it makes a kid feel (or will make them feel about themselves in the future).
So if you have one coach in the gym like this, and the owner/head coach is aware of the behavior and doesn't do anything to change it, it's probably viewed as a valid coaching methodology within the program.
 
Unfortunately, if the screaming/shaming type behavior from the coach results in quickly acquiring skills or competitive success, it's viewed as a productive methodology and gets called things like "tough love." Because it's tough, but it works, and we love the way your child is performing- so tough love. And it spreads. If one coach does it in the gym, it's likely others will start following along because they see it working. Unfortunately, working just refers to what you see on the outside- the skills being learned, the scores, the rapid progression through the levels- not necessarily how it makes a kid feel (or will make them feel about themselves in the future).
So if you have one coach in the gym like this, and the owner/head coach is aware of the behavior and doesn't do anything to change it, it's probably viewed as a valid coaching methodology within the program.

You just described how the Karolyi's (among others) were able to gain so much rapid respect in the US. :( We really have a problem with our priorities. OP, time to get out of there. There is no value in keeping your child in that environment.
 

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