WAG When is it time to quit?

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kikigym

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We are struggling with knowing when it is time to call it quits. My dd (10, level 5) competed last year as a 5 and had a great season. She started training optional, but a serious of injuries and other issues brought us to the decision that she should repeat 5 instead. Since then, over the past month, she has steadily lost skills... back tumbling, flyaway, and now, back walk-over on beam.... something she does beautifully and has never had an issue with. So, these are skills that were not difficult for her, and she is just blocked. She doesn't want to quit. Loves her gym, her teammates, her coaches. We have tried the ladder, mental choreography, re-training skills, all of it. Coaches are great and supportive. So, looking for guidance on how to support her and help her figure out if it is time to move on. Every practice is so frustrating for her and with season around the corner she is looking at competing only vault to start and maybe adding if she gets her skills back. Do girls come back from these kind of mental blocks? How?
 
Oh wow, what a difficult situation! Has your DD recently had a growth spurt? Does your gym have an excel program that she could compete in, even if only for a year? Then she could do a cartwheel on beam, and more front tumbling on floor.

It sounds like you are doing the right thing, and just supporting her. And you said the she doesn't want to quit, and ultimately the motivation has to come from her.
 
We are struggling with knowing when it is time to call it quits. My dd (10, level 5) competed last year as a 5 and had a great season. She started training optional, but a serious of injuries and other issues brought us to the decision that she should repeat 5 instead. Since then, over the past month, she has steadily lost skills... back tumbling, flyaway, and now, back walk-over on beam.... something she does beautifully and has never had an issue with. So, these are skills that were not difficult for her, and she is just blocked. She doesn't want to quit. Loves her gym, her teammates, her coaches. We have tried the ladder, mental choreography, re-training skills, all of it. Coaches are great and supportive. So, looking for guidance on how to support her and help her figure out if it is time to move on. Every practice is so frustrating for her and with season around the corner she is looking at competing only vault to start and maybe adding if she gets her skills back. Do girls come back from these kind of mental blocks? How?
My OG competed old L6 at age 10. Had all her skills at the beginning of the season, but by the end of the season, had lost: Flyaway (December), Back Tuck (Feb. 26), BWO on beam (May). She was completely frustrated, but wanted to get the skills back. Due to outside pressures, she ended up quitting in Mid-August... and figured out by November that it was the biggest mistake of her life. She came back and competed Xcel Gold. She was able to work her routines around the blocks and add the skills back in as she got them back. It is coming back... slowly... as she works through her fears, but it is slow going (for her - she still has the same outside pressures - can't get rid of them right now). If it weren't for these pressures, I am sure she would be able to get past the blocks easier... in fact, I am pretty sure being allowed to actually attend ALL practices would go a long way... more time for coaches to work the progressions... more time for imagery... etc.
 
My oldest dd has been struggling with mental blocks for the last 4 years, she moves up to old level 6 and started working backtuck, injured her knees and was out for a good month, came back and couldn't do her backhandspring. Since after that season she said she wanted to quite and hated gymnastics, but I don't want her to leave on a bad note so she states for the next season. She didn't have her backhandspring all season, the her coach told her that if she doesn't have her backhandspring for the home meet/ team tryouts ( to determine what level your going to be) that she was out if his group, and that made her angry the next day she went in the gym and all she did was tumble, and got her backhandspring ( although she was doing it with spot wouldn't do it my her self). We went in summer vacations and when we came back she didn't have it anymore, spent 4 montages trying to get it. At the first competition her coach yelled at her and said she can train with the other optional coach. With this other coach she managed to get her backhand paring backtuck, two backhandspring, standing tuck with spot which she never would have done before. And now we're going back for Her last year of gym, which also happens to be her last year of high school.
I honestly think mental blocks are different for every gymnast, so find out what works best for her, trout ions with spot. I know how frustrating it is to watch your dd go through this, and how frustrating it is for your dd, so take time, and don't rush it, it will come when she's comfortable, confident, and ready to do it again.
 
iwannacoach, I hear what you are saying. I don't mind her not competing all events. I know she says she doesn't want to quit and that she loves gym, but I think a good part of that is her love of her teammates. If the fear struggles are going to be a constant issue it just so draining emotionally for her. She has been really successful in the past and this phase is just such a complete shift, I can't help but wonder there is something else going on that maybe she doesn't even know is happening. Could she actually want to quit and be sabatoging herself without even knowing it?
 
raenndrops... thanks for your post. Glad to hear she is making progress and has found a solution that works. I have suggested xcel to her and she is interested. Most of our xcel girls are former teammates of hers who for various reasons dropped out of the JO program. I just wonder what kind of progress she would make with only two practices a week? I have also thought about telling the coaches to let her practice for a week or two with NO WORK on the stuff that scares her unless she initiates it. I think that if she knew that she could just work at her own pace and not have to deal with the scary stuff for a little she might just relax for awhile.
 
I think if your daughter says she still loves the sport....loves her team, her coaches and her gym and if she isn't telling you she wants to quit, I would let her continue right where she is. Even a switch to prep op would mean new teammates and if she's not asking for that switch might signal failure in her mind (not implying prep op is failure! just that she sees herself as a gymnast on level 5)

Sometimes I think we as parents try to hard to help and really, they don't always want our help, especially when it relates to their sport. Unless the parent is/was a gymnast, we really can't understand how it feels to, say, back tumble or do something other than stand on a 4" beam 4' up!

My daughter is now 15 and 2nd year Level 9. At pick up, I ask, did you have fun? "Yup" That's it. The rare occasions I see her walking to the car and I can tell she will burst into tears when she gets in, I prepare myself and then support and remind her she's done 'x' before or struggled to get 'y' skills in the past and look where you are and it will be better tomorrow. And it is.

I guess my advice is as long as you know the coaches are good and kind and know how to support your daughter, then if she's happy, it's all good.
 
Thanks shelovestoflip. I do try to stay out of it, only offering advice when asked, etc... Good reminders because it is so hard to watch her struggle and not be able to help and not even really understand what it going on.
 
iwannacoach, I hear what you are saying. I don't mind her not competing all events. I know she says she doesn't want to quit and that she loves gym, but I think a good part of that is her love of her teammates. If the fear struggles are going to be a constant issue it just so draining emotionally for her. She has been really successful in the past and this phase is just such a complete shift, I can't help but wonder there is something else going on that maybe she doesn't even know is happening. Could she actually want to quit and be sabatoging herself without even knowing it?
Great minds think alike.......

Your thought are similar to those I have in situations like this. Keep in ind that you can come up with possible scenarios and share them with your child so she can understand that anything is acceptable and when she figures out what her problem is she can feel free to act as she wishes.

She's at the age where skills can come and go when adversity comes along. I suspect she's feeling marginalized by the repeat of L5 and wonders if investing in her training is going to pay dream dividends to keep her motivated. If she can accept that the sport has ups and downs and believe in her past success (and a 10 y/o starting optional work is a genuine benchmark/accomplishment) she may be able to concentrate on recovering from those injuries, train L5 with ease, and get into outstanding physical shape to lay a foundation for a great run through the optional levels.

Any reasonable dream can come true with self belief, hard work, and a little luck.
 
this was my first post to Chalkbucket and I have to say thanks for all the great support and ideas! It is nice to have a place to vent and work stuff out because I really don't want to process with the dd :>) I checked with the coach about xcel (she coaches both optionals and xcel) and she doesn't think it is a good fit. I don't really understand her reasoning, but she thinks dd has so much potential and she thinks she'll get through it... she said "state champion routines on beam, floor and vault" She thought that xcel wouldn't solve the problem because she would still have to work out back tumbling but with fewer training hours. Her other coach said, "Her desire has to outweigh her fear, so it is really up to her." She is not pushing her and giving her lots of chances to take small steps towards her skills. That's where we are at. I am just going to keep driving her to gym, keep hugging her, and wait to see what she decides. Thanks for everything cb!
 
raenndrops... thanks for your post. Glad to hear she is making progress and has found a solution that works. I have suggested xcel to her and she is interested. Most of our xcel girls are former teammates of hers who for various reasons dropped out of the JO program. I just wonder what kind of progress she would make with only two practices a week? I have also thought about telling the coaches to let her practice for a week or two with NO WORK on the stuff that scares her unless she initiates it. I think that if she knew that she could just work at her own pace and not have to deal with the scary stuff for a little she might just relax for awhile.
My OG is making progress on 2 practices a week right now (and most of the time she is limited to 2 days a week due to the aforementioned outside pressures). Maybe talk to the coaches and see if she could go a 3rd day and work out with L6.
Also, not working the problematic things unless she initiates would be a GREAT idea. That was how HC dealt with OG's problems when she returned. And IF she did initiate it, 3 balks and it was to be left for another day... we had a lot of that with the Back tuck, but it paid off in the end. Her frustration level was much lower. Good luck to her (and you in parenting her through this).
 
Sounds like it is not time to quit. She still loves gym but is facing a struggle. She just needs to know that it's okay. Not competing, competing one event etc. are all okay. As a Mom, you can hold onto the fact that whats he learns form this struggle are lessons that she will carry throughout her life.
 
DD (12) has been struggling with fear/mental blocks/puberty/growth spurts and perfectionism since she "wised up" at about age 10.5 as a first year L7 and suddenly any routine less than a low 9 was a personal failure. Has repeatedly lost skills/gained back, refused to push herself until the last possible moment, needed excessive encouragement, some counseling, a chance to stay back at L7, and and a gym change.

She finally admitted that quitting is one of the things she has been thinking about all along....and that she feels like the judges are pointing out all her personal failings, etc. Now, mind you, she was 6th at state her first year L7 and 3rd her 2nd year. Many judges have said wonderfully kind things to her. She is always seen as a "coachable girl with lots of potential" by every coach who I have run into that has worked with her. She's never been shooting for Olympics/elite (not even an option in our area), and for her first 2 years of competition (before she started winning things) was happy to just work hard, try things and have fun...

She's a supportive teammate, almost never misses a practice (this is family policy for all kids and all commitments). In all her years there are only 1-3 kids she has "disliked" at gym/other teams. Even now she is constantly laughing at gym practices, loves her coaches (even the new ones this summer) and was excited to watch the Nationals. She and her brothers can't leave the house without standing back tuck and handstand walk contests....I just can't believe she "hates doing gym".

What she hates is self-doubt, feeling like she can't live up to her idea of perfection, fearing certain skills and then fearing NOT overcoming that fear, seeing some friends be fearless and "chuck" skills badly but enjoy it and "progress" faster than her, and knowing that everyone (coaches, friends, etc) feels she can do those things too when she is ready (how to make herself be ready???). We have spent the last 3 months with a new gym (with a coach she worked with previously and where her brothers train) and are trying to figure out a path for the year. I have taken quitting off the table for now, not to make her suffer, although she sometimes thinks so! New gym is much more particular about progression - MANY kids do 2-3 years at certain levels, and goal even for the younger talented girls is L9 by freshman year (this is very different from her old gym where "no one ever does 3 years a level" was an official policy and she was a guarenteed L8. (Now, she SHOULD be a L8, new coach agrees, but new coach also has set things up so kids are not "failures" if they need to take more time - older girls won L6 last year - and felt good about themselves....goal is to keep them in gym and progressing at their pace).

I don't even know what she'll end up competing this year - if at all. I don't want her repeating a level she has mastered - both because I truely think that's not FAIR to the girls just getting there, and because I know that she will find every deduction a personal failure...and there's just not much room for improvement - even last year her high AA scores went up by less than a point all year (and she has all the allowable skills for L7 now and her basics/form are already consistent and excellent). I know she is an iffy L8 - for this gym, at least. She would make it to state and perhaps to regionals, but would need fairly basic routines. New coach is willing to let her do that - in fact new coach is willing to do whatever will help her confidence - but really recognizes that DD has to find it within at some point...

I don't know how many kids get through these issues - but I do know that if gymnastics is about life/personal development, etc and not about a trip to the Ranch, then the challenge of getting past these obstacles is more important than the feared/lost skill. I know that for my DD leaving something that still clearly gives her a lot of pleasure as well as fitness/etc because of her frustration isn't a lesson I want to be a part of her learning...

I'm in favor of a run to something, not away from something approach to life - so if she had another activity that she really wanted time to pursue, i'd be more likely to let her lay off gym...but that's not it at all for my kiddo, and doesn't sound like it is for yours.

I think repeating L5 would be hard, but if its a common path at your gym for kids in this situation then over time could work well. Repeating L7 last year for DD was a good move, and had everything else been good at her old gym/with old coach she might be a happy ready to compete (albeit with the same basic routines she MIGHT compete at new gym) L8 had she not changed gyms (needed to for tons of more long term/emotional health/family reasons). I personally am not ready to say that because DD struggles she is no longer "good at gym and its not for her" - as that is a set up for giving up on anything that you love and work hard for that's not coming easy in life....hopefully your DDs coach will help you find a path that will keep your DD in gym until she has something to "run to"....
 
We are struggling with knowing when it is time to call it quits. My dd (10, level 5) competed last year as a 5 and had a great season. She started training optional, but a serious of injuries and other issues brought us to the decision that she should repeat 5 instead. Since then, over the past month, she has steadily lost skills... back tumbling, flyaway, and now, back walk-over on beam.... something she does beautifully and has never had an issue with. So, these are skills that were not difficult for her, and she is just blocked. She doesn't want to quit. Loves her gym, her teammates, her coaches. We have tried the ladder, mental choreography, re-training skills, all of it. Coaches are great and supportive. So, looking for guidance on how to support her and help her figure out if it is time to move on. Every practice is so frustrating for her and with season around the corner she is looking at competing only vault to start and maybe adding if she gets her skills back. Do girls come back from these kind of mental blocks? How?

it's vestibular. you'll have to be patient. :)
 
Thought I'd give folks an update if your are interested. She made little progress for a couple of weeks and then about a week before the first meet, got put on a deadline for events to compete. two events first meet, three events at second meet (in two weeks) and all-around within the month. I totally thought she would balk at the pressure, but it seemed to get her going. The next day (literally) she came in and did her fly-away and BWO on high beam and did full routines on both events. She went the meet and did great on her three events (vt 9.375, ub 8.6, bb 8.950 - not her bests but awfully good for just starting up again) and scratched floor. That was Sunday. On Tuesday (practice Monday was a wash), she did her floor pass within 5 minutes and competed floor this past weekend posting her best floor score ever (9.275). Huh? Happy for her, she is happy for herself and relieved. Can't say what the future holds and if this experience will help her get through future fears, but I am grateful that she will at least be able to do this season. Thanks for all the advice and kind words!
 
Thought I'd give folks an update if your are interested. She made little progress for a couple of weeks and then about a week before the first meet, got put on a deadline for events to compete. two events first meet, three events at second meet (in two weeks) and all-around within the month. I totally thought she would balk at the pressure, but it seemed to get her going. The next day (literally) she came in and did her fly-away and BWO on high beam and did full routines on both events. She went the meet and did great on her three events (vt 9.375, ub 8.6, bb 8.950 - not her bests but awfully good for just starting up again) and scratched floor. That was Sunday. On Tuesday (practice Monday was a wash), she did her floor pass within 5 minutes and competed floor this past weekend posting her best floor score ever (9.275). Huh? Happy for her, she is happy for herself and relieved. Can't say what the future holds and if this experience will help her get through future fears, but I am grateful that she will at least be able to do this season. Thanks for all the advice and kind words!

That is great! Just know that, sometimes, when they get it back quickly they can also lose it again quickly. Don't get discouraged if it happens again, and keep us updated. Lots of us on here have gone through similar situations.
 

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