Parents Your input, please

[SurpriseGymMom]

Gym junkie, one like just isn't enough for the post above!! wish I could like it more than once!

 

[twinmomma]

When your kid comes home with math homework that they are struggling with, do you just direct them back to their teacher? If your child comes home with a spelling pretest that they missed some on, do you not assist them in preparation for the test? If your child in baseball wants to play catch or go to the batting cages, do you say wait for your coach? I get there's a huge difference between helping with math and truly "coaching" your child at home in gym. That said, I was a dancer, and I don't see any problem helping my DD clean up a passé in her floor routine or tell her to lower her shoulders or tighten her core. DD has been struggling with her cartwheel on beam and her coach says its mental at this point. So when she practices at home and misses I give her silly ideas like "if you fall you'll squish the dog" (who likes to run around near the beam). I trust her coaches, but I also know my kid better than they do. I know when she gets frustrated she needs other tools to help her through, and when they are coaching 12 other kids they don't always have the time to give that to her. I know that she has a hard time translating dance instruction to actual dance moves and that she physically often has to have someone move her body into position for it to click.

I hate threads like this that end up with someone saying the parents just need to let the coaches coach. In my opinion, the coach-parent dynamic is a PARTNERSHIP with the ultimate best interest of the child at its core. I spent a half hour on the phone with DD's coach the other day simply because we were strategizing about how to help her reach her goal of making state this season and also discussing the likelihood of moving up to 5 and what her limitations may be. Now I can't believe I'm a parent so in the minority that I'm the only one who actually acknowledges my child's limitations in this sport. But any coach who said for me to stay out of it and didn't want to have a conversation with me is not going to gain my respect at all.

 

[mommyof1]

I think this thread brings up and interesting issue--what amounts to coaching? This is really minimal to me. I think of a parent overstepping their bounds as someone who's telling the kid something different than what the coach says, overruling the coach, trying to teach a skill that hasn't been introduced at gym, yelling corrections from the bleachers etc. When DS goes to meets, I sometimes tell him something general like "make sure to hold your holds." Would people consider that coaching?

Or how about this? Coach requests a private lesson. At the end of the lesson, coach says "We worked on ABC correction on XYZ skill. She did better today but she needs to remember to do ABC every time she does XYZ skill." Before the next practice, parent reminds kid, "Have fun and remember to do ABC on your XYZ!" Then when kid comes home upset because XYZ is still giving her trouble, parent asks, "Did you remember to do ABC?" Would you say that's coaching, or just reinforcing the coach?

 

[mommyof1]

I hate threads like this that end up with someone saying the parents just need to let the coaches coach. In my opinion, the coach-parent dynamic is a PARTNERSHIP with the ultimate best interest of the child at its core. I spent a half hour on the phone with DD's coach the other day simply because we were strategizing about how to help her reach her goal of making state this season and also discussing the likelihood of moving up to 5 and what her limitations may be. Now I can't believe I'm a parent so in the minority that I'm the only one who actually acknowledges my child's limitations in this sport.

I wish there were parent-teacher conferences in gymnastics. In school, parents are entitled to one or two conferences a year. The teacher tells us about any concerns she has. If we have concerns, we ask if the teacher is noticing the same thing. We ask the teacher what we can do at home to support what's going on in the classroom. We can provide the teacher with information that may help her to work more effectively with our child. We alert the teacher to our child's goals (e.g., admission to a particular high school), and the teacher tells us what she needs to do in order to get there (score well on this test, take this math class, etc.). I think that if coaches would take the time to meet individually with parents once or twice a year, both the coaches and the parents might learn a number of things that would ultimately benefit the child.

 

[BachFlyer]

I hate threads like this that end up with someone saying the parents just need to let the coaches coach. In my opinion, the coach-parent dynamic is a PARTNERSHIP with the ultimate best interest of the child at its core.

And this is the #1 issue I have with the culture of this sport, coaches who don't recognize the partnership. Twinmomma, I agree 10,000% with everything you've said. Why is this the ONLY area of our kids life where we are expected to just shut the heck up and just write a check? There is nothing wrong with offering another take on something, or helping our kids interpret the direction that was given with new words. Frankly, I'm tired of it.

If we called a meeting with the coach because our kids weren't understanding a skill and just needed a new image in their head, so the kid could hear said metaphor straight from the horse's mouth, we'd be called crazy too. Darned if you do, darned if you don't.

What -7-14 year old is going to walk up to the coach and say "Mr. Oppressive Coach, pardon me but I am a visual learner and your previous instruction isn't quite jiving with my understanding. Could you please give me a metaphor for what you're asking?" Give me a break. RANT OVER!

 

[Ali'sMom]

And this is the #1 issue I have with the culture of this sport, coaches who don't recognize the partnership. Twinmomma, I agree 10,000% with everything you've said. Why is this the ONLY area of our kids life where we are expected to just shut the heck up and just write a check? There is nothing wrong with offering another take on something, or helping our kids interpret the direction that was given with new words. Frankly, I'm tired of it.

My DD's coaches actually do recognize that partnership, and I'm realizing just how lucky we are.
When DD was battling the kip, and asking for a couple of privates (she had been out a full month with mono, and lost whatever kip she had before that, so I did give her some extra help before the meets started), the coach would say "She's trying, she's trying very hard. I'm just not sure what the issue is".
There was something I found on Youtube, that showed a girl doing an odd drill for the kip, that if I recall, had her throwing her knee over the bar or something weird. Helped her get up, and also helped her FEEL how it was to get up.
Our coaches (at least the asst coaches) are into "partnerships". So I sent her this clip, basically saying "I am definitely not trying to coach, but who knows...".

You know what? It worked. She did it twice, and then was able to kip herself up without the knee.
I'm very glad the coach was willing to try it, knowing that DD was exasperating me every day upset about not getting her kip (this was 2 weeks before her first L4 meet).
Coach said even though she thought it looked crazy, she was willing to try anything. And for DD, that's what it took

And for me, and to DD, that's not coaching, that IS being the supportive mom who understands the angst and insecurities that she was feeling at that time, and showing her that we were all in this together.

(Don't get me wrong - I very well made sure NOT to say "TRY THIS". It was a coach whom I have a rapport with, and was ABLE to say "what do you think of this?" to.)

 

[mommyof1]

What -7-14 year old is going to walk up to the coach and say "Mr. Oppressive Coach, pardon me but I am a visual learner and your previous instruction isn't quite jiving with my understanding. Could you please give me a metaphor for what you're asking?"

I have been trying to teach my 8-year-old to do this. Well, really just to say, "Ms. Very Nice Coach, I feel like I am already doing what you are telling me to do, so I must not be understanding you. Can you help me?" It is not working. At all. I can't even get the kid to role-play the interaction.

 

[BachFlyer]

I have been trying to teach my 8-year-old to do this. Well, really just to say, "Ms. Very Nice Coach, I feel like I am already doing what you are telling me to do, so I must not be understanding you. Can you help me?" It is not working. At all. I can't even get the kid to role-play the interaction.

Exactly! My dd is 14 and L10 and she still struggles to speak up and ask for a new perspective, because it has been drilled into her head for so long that the coaches do it their way, and don't-question-just-listen! I have never hesitated to give her my two cents where it was appropriate. My advice for the long overdue giant was "maybe you need to visualize making them all the way around before you go to bed" which actually worked, the very next day no less. This was not coaching, it was supporting. Before you chalk it up to coincidence, it's not the only time me saying something helped the lightbulb switch on.

I'm very glad the coach was willing to try it, knowing that DD was exasperating me every day upset about not getting her kip (this was 2 weeks before her first L4 meet).
Coach said even though she thought it looked crazy, she was willing to try anything. And for DD, that's what it took

And for me, and to DD, that's not coaching, that IS being the supportive mom who understands the angst and insecurities that she was feeling at that time, and showing her that we were all in this together.

(Don't get me wrong - I very well made sure NOT to say "TRY THIS". It was a coach whom I have a rapport with, and was ABLE to say "what do you think of this?" to.)

Never. Leave. Your. Gym.

 

[twinmomma]

My DD's coaches actually do recognize that partnership, and I'm realizing just how lucky we are.
When DD was battling the kip, and asking for a couple of privates (she had been out a full month with mono, and lost whatever kip she had before that, so I did give her some extra help before the meets started), the coach would say "She's trying, she's trying very hard. I'm just not sure what the issue is".
There was something I found on Youtube, that showed a girl doing an odd drill for the kip, that if I recall, had her throwing her knee over the bar or something weird. Helped her get up, and also helped her FEEL how it was to get up.
Our coaches (at least the asst coaches) are into "partnerships". So I sent her this clip, basically saying "I am definitely not trying to coach, but who knows...".

You know what? It worked. She did it twice, and then was able to kip herself up without the knee.
I'm very glad the coach was willing to try it, knowing that DD was exasperating me every day upset about not getting her kip (this was 2 weeks before her first L4 meet).
Coach said even though she thought it looked crazy, she was willing to try anything. And for DD, that's what it took

And for me, and to DD, that's not coaching, that IS being the supportive mom who understands the angst and insecurities that she was feeling at that time, and showing her that we were all in this together.

(Don't get me wrong - I very well made sure NOT to say "TRY THIS". It was a coach whom I have a rapport with, and was ABLE to say "what do you think of this?" to.)

I believe that I can have these kinds of conversations with DD's current coaching as well. What is an unknown is that each level has it's own coach, so I don't know if this is a gym culture or a coach specific thing. Hoping it really is the culture (we've only been there since July).

 

[Ali'sMom]

Never. Leave. Your. Gym.

We are very happy here. DD has been there about 6 years, and the coaches and owners (HCs) are definitely "all about the girls". We aren't a powerhouse gym, although we have a couple of L10s training elite, but we do "all right". DD is never going to the Olympics, truly I'll be thrilled if she stays past L7 (she's a 7th grade L6 this year), but she loves them and they love her and all the girls. (The big thing is that the majority of the coaches see each girl as an individual, which is huge for my DD).

 

[l.c.o]

My DD is 11 and she's just now starting to clarify most corrections in her own words to make sure she understands them... with most coaches. A couple of them intimidate her more than others.

I only know this because for awhile she was quite frustrated with a teammate who was apparently constantly complaining about not understanding corrections, and DD vented away at bedtime one night.

I've only ever "coached" my DD once. She was ticked that a BFF at another gym way outscored her on bars at a meet. They went 1-2, but there was like a .6 difference in scoring. I told her that all she could do was keep working hard and listen to corrections. Days later she was still upset and obsessively watching YouTube videos. When I went to take her iPad away, I happened to notice that the girl in this 10.0 routine had a super fluid routine, whereas my DD stopped after her BHC. I rewound it, commented on how weird it was that she didn't stop (didn't directly compare it DD's routine). Next meet, no stopping, and score was .3 higher. Was it what I said? Who knows. Was I wrong? Maybe.

And LOL on the visualization comments. When DD was really struggling on her beam BHS and working herself up about it, I told her all she could do is keep trying and working hard, though I did remind her to remember/visualize all the times she did the skill well in an attempt to help build her confidence again.

I mean, when learning to drive a standard transmission, the first day was awful. That night I laid in bed and thought about it and visualized doing it, and the next day I hopped into my mom's little red sports car and could drive it fine. But perhaps it's not the same for gymnastics.

Anyway, I easily go into mama bear mode myself, but I'd let this one go. Maybe keep an ear out, just in case it's a widespread thing, but I wouldn't actively stress about it.

 

[sevenatenine2]

I have been trying to teach my 8-year-old to do this. Well, really just to say, "Ms. Very Nice Coach, I feel like I am already doing what you are telling me to do, so I must not be understanding you. Can you help me?" It is not working. At all. I can't even get the kid to role-play the interaction.

My daughter is a fifth grader. She also likes volleyball. I have her in a volleyball class that turned out to be her, a friend in sixth grade, and the rest of the girls are 7th and 8th graders and play on middle school teams. My daughter is tall (5 feet) and about 100 lbs, so although she's only in fifth grade, she doesn't look out of place with the group.

She came home upset on Sunday because an assistant coach was telling her to "get down" when she bumps. My daughter got in the position that she thought was "down" and the assistant coach said to her, "Well, you're going to get out of this what you put in it," and walked away. My daughter claims she was in the position she thought she was supposed to be in.

Now, it's not an impossibility that my daughter was slacking. I find it unlikely, though, based on the fact that she came home upset about it. If she were slacking, she wouldn't have come home and told me she got in trouble for it. I think it's likely the assistant coach doesn't know she's in 5th grade and thinks she's a junior high athlete and knows more than she actually does. You can bet that if I knew what position she was supposed to be in and the coach wanted her in, I would explain that to her and make sure she knew before the next practice. Ideally, that would keep her happy for not being in trouble, coach happy that she is now doing it correctly, and me happy that she's not upset. But since I don't know......tough.

 

[Ali'sMom]

You can bet that if I knew what position she was supposed to be in and the coach wanted her in, I would explain that to her and make sure she knew before the next practice.

Absolutely

 

[munchkin3]

Our gym also has a pretty good philosophy of what role the parents play......some coaches like talking more with the parents and actually involve them more......some coaches are more of the Mr./Mrs. Oppressive.........
As far as OP comment, I would let it go.....in the end the coach looks like an incredibly insensitive big mouth who had a big moment of 'unprofessionalism'....it happens to us parents too!

our old coach used to flat out invite the parent in they gym, in front of everyone, and say 'please, help me coach these kids'.......silence.......and then he would just walk away.....