How to help smooth the 13-14 year transition? (A "quitting" question.)

[bpatient]

My elderly neighbor recently made the too-typical comment that she reads the obituaries to check up on her friends. Several recent Chalk Bucket threads made me think that gallows humor might seem an appropriate respite in gymnastics, too, as we watch so many of those super-talented kids leave the sport to pursue other dreams. (When my daughter’s teammate won Level 10 States, her coach remarked, semi-seriously but also mournfully, that most of the talented kids who used to beat her had left the sport.)

Last week dunno indicated that it’s quite common for kids to leave gymnastics between 8th and 9th grade, and, along similar lines, I recall that membership data from a couple of years ago showed that 85 per cent of the USAG athletes are 14 or younger. How, in terms of gymnastics, can you help kids face the transition that they will all endure as they reach 13 or 14 years of age? As my daughter approaches a magical birthday, I’m not interested in how to help her to stay in gymnastics so much as simply thinking about how I can help her, regardless of what she will choose to do. Any ideas?

 

[Deleted member D3987]

great question rbw. i'll be back tonight on this one.

 

[gymjoy]

I'm there with you rbw. My dd is 13.5 this week. She has had her share of ups and downs - and I find myself trying to keep her on an even keel as we navigate this rough waters of growing up.
Wish I had some advice, but I'm the one needing it this time around:worried:

 

[gymdog]

Amazon.com: Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls (Ballantine Reader's Circle) (9780345392824): Mary Pipher: Books

This book isn't perfect, but it has many good observations nonetheless.

And for some people the early teenage years are relatively okay, and later on things get rough. This was true for me. Around 14 was one of the happiest times of my life (particularly in the gym), and I was making excellent progress in gymnastics around that time (I was pretty much learning any skill my coaches tried to work with me) and LOVED it, up until about the middle of my sophomore year of high school. After that time I actually started to lose skills at some points. I remember the year I was 12 or so being a little rough but nothing that made me want to quit, just an adjustment. But 13/14 were great. Probably the best time for me in gymnastics. When I got older it was harder to sustain the path I was on and I was burning out though (not so much from gymnastics, but from school). When I was 18-20, up until this past year, I pretty much went off the cliff. not my finest time.

 

[MdGymMom01]

Good question!! While I don't think there is an easy answer or solution to the issue of kids leaving the sport at the age of 13-14, I do think that allowing kids to participate in other activities when they are younger helps a lot. I think the main reason why kids quit gymnastics when they get to high school is because they have sacrificed so much up until then. They may have missed out on a lot of sleepovers, birthday parties, and hanging out at the mall and exploring other options such as other sports, trying out for the school play, recitals or band that they feel like high school is their "last real opportunity" to try these new things.

The problem arises when the kids get to the upper levels (level 6+) of gymnastics and their training schedule demands the typical 16+ hours in the gym which leaves little time for other activities. The conventional USAG gymnastics program is very time consuming and often does not allow for kids to do other activities along with it, although some kids do manage to balance everything out. Personally, I like the idea of my dd's league where you can still be competitive up to level 8 but with limited training hours per week. Of course, the routines may not be as precise, polished and technically difficult as the USAG gymnasts, but they still get to participate in their sport, compete and have time to do the HS activities and another sport if they wish.

I am very glad that I chose this option for my dd when she first started in gymnastics. She could have gone the USAG route, but the coach felt like this league was more flexible and better suited towards families that did not want to commit all their time in the gym. Plus, they knew that dd had other interests such as dance that she wanted to continue with.

I think it is important when the kids are young, to really think about the long term commitments and whether or not they will want to persue other activities in addition to gymnastics. Yes, they may eat, sleep and breathe gymnastics when they are 6 or 7, but will they continue to feel that way when they are 11 or 12 and entering middle school? I think balance is really key when kids are younger because it gives them the growth that they need to experience all that is out there. It opens their minds and allows them to experience new things. I feel that kids really need that in order to grow into well adjusted adaptable adults.

It's a tough decision to make when talking about committing 16-20 hrs a week, but there are also other options out there where they can still enjoy the benefits of gymnastics without sacrificing giving up so much.

 

[gymgurl]

Having grown older wiser and past that 13-14 year old birthday not so long ago, I do have some things that would make it easier for your daughter.

I think one of the most important things is to keep her trust and communication lines open because sometimes all a girl needs is someone to listen and a shoulder to cry on. So i guess if i put this into gym terms its mainly if she is having a rough day just let her talk to you if she wants but if she wants to be by herself you should let her. Seems pretty basic but i know people who have next to no relationship with their parents.

 

[Mack_the_Ripper]

I am fifteen-going-on-sixteen, I know that I'm naive...oops, sorry. Anyway. I think the most important thing for your daughter is to make sure she can talk to you about her psychological problems and whatever else and that you can help her work through them. I.E., if she's having a mental block you two can work through solutions she can try during practice together. She needs a parent who is "in this together" with her and willing to respect her decisions and problems.

 

[MaryA]

I have twin daughters who are 9 (almost 10), so I'm not there yet, but in not too many years I'm going to become the parent of TWO teenagers simultaneously! I'm reading the book: NurtureShock: New Thinking About Children. I think it was someone on CB who recommended it. So many interesting things about child development, teen development, sleep, arguing, etc. I'm not through yet, but it seems like it could be a good resource for some different perspectives on the teenage years in general.

Our local highschool has a gymnastics team and it seems as though the YMCA program that my daughter is in acts as a "feeder" program for that team (dd's head coach is assistant coach of the HS team). My hope is that she will stick with it and be on the highschool team. I know that the girls who are on the team at the local private gym aren't allowed to be on the HS team, but I think that being on the HS team is something that may get her some social "clout" among her peers (getting the jacket, getting meet results posted in the announcements, and all of those things that matter in High School), which may be the added incentive she needs to stick with it once the thrill of spray glitter in her hair and an ice cream sundae after the meet wears thin, you know? She'll never be in the olympics or get an atheletic scholarship, but if she sticks with it, she'll be "hot stuff" on the highschool team (in the relatively rinky-dink division that they compete in). There's something to be said for getting to be a big fish, even if it is in a small pond.

 

[Geoffrey Taucer]

The 13-14 age group is the group I've always found the most difficult to coach. I'd love to hear anything anybody has to say on girls that age.

Also

I’m not interested in how to help her to stay in gymnastics so much as simply thinking about how I can help her, regardless of what she will choose to do.

Kudos! You're approaching this exactly the right way, and I wish all parents thought the way you do.

 

[bpatient]

Thanks for the insightful comments.

Since this forum is read by gymnasts, coaches, and (perhaps most frequently) by the mothers of gymnasts, I can let many of you in on a little secret: As the father of a thirteen year-old girl, I can tell you that it doesn’t get any better than this. A friend who does research on child development confided years ago, when my child was still a toddler, that although little kids are incredibly appealing her favorite age was fourteen. She said that young teenagers face the same challenges that the little ones face—finding their place as an autonomous individual—but that it’s somehow just harder to hug them when they get bigger. I didn’t understand that when my daughter was less than three feet tall, but I get it now, and I try to keep that in mind.

I was intrigued by dunno's earlier response in which he suggested that cutting back on practice time and competition might help a talented thirteen year-old athlete through a rough patch. Although I know no more about gymnastics than can be gleaned by driving a kid to practice for ten years, it seems to me that the major challenges faced by thirteen year old female gymnasts might include increased vulnerability to repetitive stress injuries during the growth spurt, the social and physical ramifications of practice hours that seem to inexorably increase with USAG level, and the quite reasonable fears associated with the increasing complexity, difficulty, and objective danger of skills as girls advance. It seems that throttling back during a vulnerable period might be wise, but that seems quite contrary to the prevailing practice. I’m interested in ways to keep dd healthy and happy before she reaches a point where I might feel the urge to initiate a “my daughter is thinking of quitting” thread.

 

[Aussie_coach]

There are so many reasons kids stop gymnastics when they reach High school age.
1. High school itself takes uo so much more time, usually further to travel and longer school days, meanwhile gymnastics hours are increasing at the same time.
2. Often loads more homework, study and assignements.
3.Wanting to be involved in High school activities and emmerse ones self in the high school life, these activities often take up an enourmous amount of time too.
4. Peer presssure, almost nothing is more important to a teen than fitting in, they feel they are missing out when their friends all go home and chat on facebook after school, and go to the movies on the weekends and they are at training. For teens its not just a matter of prioritizing they are often petrified that if they aren't there when the friends go out they will miss something important and the whole social structure will change while they aren't there and their friendship will be gone.
5. More freedom, the added freedom of the teen years is a problem too. When they are young to go to gymnastics it to go out and to be with friends, if they didn't go to gymnastics they would be at home. But to a young teen this has changed, now if they weren't at gymnastics they would be out with friends a lot of the time.
6. Boys, need I say more. Teens never seem to half do anything, the first serious boyfriend they get they seem to need to super glue themselves to each other 24/7 and if they are at gymnastics tis creates real jealousy for the boy.
7. Fear, their minds are starting to think in a different way, they start to think ahead and consider possible dangers, which again a young teen often takes too far causing extreme fear.
8. Body self consiousness, many of their bodies are changing and they don't feel comfortable about it and no longer want to be seen in a leotard.
9. Interests change, just as they don't want to play with dolls anymore their interest in gymnastics may wane.
10. Pressure for the furure, once kids go to High school they often feel under a lot of pressure to prepare for the future, if they feel gymnastics will not help them with their future they may drop it for an activity that will help them. For example doing a school activity instead. They often get this sense of urgency that if they do not do all they can to prepare for the future now they will never get into college and live in a cardboard box for the rest of their lives.
11. part time jobs, often their friends are getting jobs and they are able to buy the latest clothes and gadgets. They simply can't get a part time job while going to High school and training 20 hours per week in the gym.
12. parents, often the pressure comes from the parents rather than the kids. They feel gymnastics should take a back seat now and school should be the centre of their lives, they too feel pressured about the future.
13. Friends, their friends are leaving for all of the above reasons. Their friends are one of the things that helps them get up and go to gym everyday, even when they are tired or sore or scared or frustrated.

It is pretty hard to combat all the above reasons. Kids tend to stick around if they feel they are headed to either elite or a college scholarship because they feel there is a future in what they are doing. Or if they home school, or if they have a particularly strong personality where peer pressure does not affect them (a rare thing in a teen).

Gyms are the ones who need to be finding a way to combat this. Perhaps one option is to offer a more senior program for gymnasts who wish to retire from competition but continue to progress without the exsessive hours.

Some options can include a more recreational advanced gymnastics or tumbling class where they can advance their skills but without the need to perfect for competition, train just a few days a week. Or to compete in a gymsport that requires less hours to reach the top levels like sport acrobatics, sports aerobics, cheerleading, trampoline, team gym or power tumbling.

The reason why these programs often don't work is because skill wise and prestige wise they are usually a step down from the team program and not a step up. Kids would often prefer to quit than to continue and feel like they are moving backwards. To make these programs work they need to be able to learn more advanced skills and feel like they are a very important part of the gym, it should be an honour above team, reserved for those who have proven themselves through years of hard work and dedication to team.

 

[emorymom]

How has this transition been for anyone whose children were not in full day brick and mortar high school -- home school, early college entry, or virtual school students?

 

[gymjourneymom]

Aussie Coach-I really wish we still had a "Thank you" button!!! There is a lot of wisdom there!!! Thank you for taking the time to post it!!! Anyone who has followed my posts knows I also advocate for teen gymnast being proud of whatever capacity they use to continue their love of the sport. Some girls just KNOW they are done with the sport. They have already given so much & know they are ready to move on. I think that is important to recognize & support. Others make the adjustment through the teen years & continue in JO & are happy & well balanced, good for them. But if a gymnast WANTS to continue in the sport but with less hours, pressure, etc. those feeling should be supported too. They are REAL feelings & concerns(as listed above by Aussie Coach). There are so many questions, so much unsureness about anything in a teens mind. They need options available to them as they find their way. I think these girls should feel Prep is a viable option over just quitting. But most progams I've run into tend to look down on Prep-op & the gymnast know that, so they don't want to do it. There are a lot of talented girls doing other leagues for various reasons. And they they made a difficult decision to stick with it instead of just quitting. I think that is something to be respected. The teen years are rough. And if continuing in the sport they love helps them through it then why not do Prep instead of quitting? I've seen girls VERY successfully move between Prep & JO depending on where there were mentally/physically(some coming back from injuries) in the sport. Sometimes just 1 year of an Advance Prep type program gives the girls the mental break they need to go back to JO with a renewed joy & enthusiasm. I really wish more people understood Prep programs & gave them more respect. JMHO.

 

[flipper's fan]

How has this transition been for anyone whose children were not in full day brick and mortar high school -- home school, early college entry, or virtual school students?

I am wondering about this too. My DD just turned 12, is a level 8, and does not attend a traditional school. We have worked through a few wanting to quit moments but I don't think she was serious at those times and she quickly changed her mind when quitting meant no trip to Woodward or no daily taxi service to all of her friend's homes for play dates or visits or whatever they do. (Not being in a regular school, her friend's homes are all 30+ minute drives in different directions)

And like rbw, I would not want to force her to stay in a sport she does not love, but I want to make sure I don't just give up when I should be helping her through.

Great thread.

 

[gymgurl]

There are so many reasons kids stop gymnastics when they reach High school age.
1. High school itself takes uo so much more time, usually further to travel and longer school days, meanwhile gymnastics hours are increasing at the same time.
2. Often loads more homework, study and assignements.
3.Wanting to be involved in High school activities and emmerse ones self in the high school life, these activities often take up an enourmous amount of time too.
4. Peer presssure, almost nothing is more important to a teen than fitting in, they feel they are missing out when their friends all go home and chat on facebook after school, and go to the movies on the weekends and they are at training. For teens its not just a matter of prioritizing they are often petrified that if they aren't there when the friends go out they will miss something important and the whole social structure will change while they aren't there and their friendship will be gone.
5. More freedom, the added freedom of the teen years is a problem too. When they are young to go to gymnastics it to go out and to be with friends, if they didn't go to gymnastics they would be at home. But to a young teen this has changed, now if they weren't at gymnastics they would be out with friends a lot of the time.
6. Boys, need I say more. Teens never seem to half do anything, the first serious boyfriend they get they seem to need to super glue themselves to each other 24/7 and if they are at gymnastics tis creates real jealousy for the boy.
7. Fear, their minds are starting to think in a different way, they start to think ahead and consider possible dangers, which again a young teen often takes too far causing extreme fear.
8. Body self consiousness, many of their bodies are changing and they don't feel comfortable about it and no longer want to be seen in a leotard.
9. Interests change, just as they don't want to play with dolls anymore their interest in gymnastics may wane.
10. Pressure for the furure, once kids go to High school they often feel under a lot of pressure to prepare for the future, if they feel gymnastics will not help them with their future they may drop it for an activity that will help them. For example doing a school activity instead. They often get this sense of urgency that if they do not do all they can to prepare for the future now they will never get into college and live in a cardboard box for the rest of their lives.
11. part time jobs, often their friends are getting jobs and they are able to buy the latest clothes and gadgets. They simply can't get a part time job while going to High school and training 20 hours per week in the gym.
12. parents, often the pressure comes from the parents rather than the kids. They feel gymnastics should take a back seat now and school should be the centre of their lives, they too feel pressured about the future.
13. Friends, their friends are leaving for all of the above reasons. Their friends are one of the things that helps them get up and go to gym everyday, even when they are tired or sore or scared or frustrated.

It is pretty hard to combat all the above reasons. Kids tend to stick around if they feel they are headed to either elite or a college scholarship because they feel there is a future in what they are doing. Or if they home school, or if they have a particularly strong personality where peer pressure does not affect them (a rare thing in a teen).

Gyms are the ones who need to be finding a way to combat this. Perhaps one option is to offer a more senior program for gymnasts who wish to retire from competition but continue to progress without the exsessive hours.

Some options can include a more recreational advanced gymnastics or tumbling class where they can advance their skills but without the need to perfect for competition, train just a few days a week. Or to compete in a gymsport that requires less hours to reach the top levels like sport acrobatics, sports aerobics, cheerleading, trampoline, team gym or power tumbling.

The reason why these programs often don't work is because skill wise and prestige wise they are usually a step down from the team program and not a step up. Kids would often prefer to quit than to continue and feel like they are moving backwards. To make these programs work they need to be able to learn more advanced skills and feel like they are a very important part of the gym, it should be an honour above team, reserved for those who have proven themselves through years of hard work and dedication to team.

OMG AUSSIE COACH! You know teenagers better than i do, and i am one! Seriously i relate to everything there you really hit the nail on the head!! I am sure all the parents appreciate your input! why is there not a thank you button!

 

[coachmolly]

Coaches play a crucial part in this process, and I think many of them are either unaware of this role or unwilling to play an appropriate part. By the time children hit this age, at least I know was the case in my personal situation, they know what they want. They know what they want out of gymnastics, how much they want to practice, what they want to try in other areas of life, the goals they have for themselves, the list goes on. Many times these things they want for themselves don't work out, but that's part of the process, realizing wants and needs, weighing the pros and cons, and making healthy choices. For athletes in these age groups, the coaches need to understand this. While there may have been a time they could get away with practice until 9pm on Friday night with no questions asked or making plans without athlete input, for most kids, that is not going to fly during the teen years. Coaches and parents, need to learn to listen during these years and find out what their individual athlete wants. For some, it might mean fewer hours or a more relaxed competitive program, but that is not the case for all children and cannot be the assumed solution. Some teens love the hours in the gym, don't care for school activities, and feel that their coaches are giving up on them when such options are proposed in the teen years. I know that was how things played out in my gym experiences. I wanted to spend as many hours as I could in the gym and be the best gymnast I could be in the USAG program, my coach very selfishly wanted me to instead pursue high school gymnastics. It was a different set of rules, different equipment, and kept me from progressing in terms of USAG skill requirements, making me absolutely miserable. What had been her go to response to previous teen gymnasts did not work with me and she was unwilling to see that. What she saw as me being a hard to work with child was, in fact, me being a very driven child who wanted something different than the norm. So I think it is essential for coaches to understand that there is no one size fits all solution, each teen is different in their wants and needs during these years and needs to be dealt with accordingly while keeping in mind their individual goals and desires.

 

[bpatient]

Until I read two recent threads regarding talented thirteen or fourteen year-old athletes who wanted to quit, I had thought that Level 9 represented some sort of magical barrier that, once surmounted, helped girls who had achieved it to stick with the sport through high school. I guess that’s just not so.

Although my thirteen year old has thus far never mentioned (nor apparently even considered) quitting, I think that she’s benefited from slowing down a bit this year. She was expecting to compete at level 10 this season, and she pushed herself hard to get there. Fortunately (!) because she was so ill throughout her last season (it took her months to recover from whooping cough), she was able to understand and to gracefully accept her coach’s suggestion that she repeat level 9 this year. Once she got over her initial disappointment (and realized that she could still practice the fun stuff, even if she couldn’t use it in competition), her whole demeanor changed: According to her coaches she’s still the hardest working athlete in the gym, but she’s just so happy and relaxed now that she’s almost like a different kid. I think that makes her more likely to stick with gymnastics for several more years than she might have been if she’d continued as she was last year.

 

[Tumblequeensmom]

RBW.. it does sound like your daughter is happy and thriving in her gym! That's really great!!

In my experience as "just a gym mom," I honestly don't think it has anything to do w/what Level a gymnast is when they make that decision to quit. Aussie coach has summed up perfectly the reasons that all the girls I know quit! They all wanted a life outside of the gym and they were all 8th/9th graders when they made this decision. One still breaks my heart... she was a L8 state champ in 7th grade, went on to have a fantastic first year L9 season in 8th grade, but once she hit high school, her heart just wasn't in it anymore. She wanted to hang out w/her friends, become involved in the high school extra curriculars, etc. She competed a second year of L9, but as I said, she just didn't really want it anymore. She is still competing HS along w/my daughter and is really enjoying being the "star" of the team.

With my own DD, who has also battled the "i'm quitting" issue and has come back to compete L7 this year, we just try to balance things out for her. When she declared that she was "quitting" after 8th grade, I knew that she still loved gymnastics, but she was so disheartened by her experiences at the gym she attended and she just needed a break. I took her to another gym that offered a fantastic prep optional program. Someone else had mentioned this as a viable alternative to the JO program, and yes, I do wish the program got more respect than it currently does... but it's a great program to keep gymnasts involved in the sport. Her coaches at this gym were fantastic, got her over her fear issues, allowed her to gain her confidence back and then she really wanted to go back and give L7 another try.

But back to this post... I do allow my daughter to miss a Friday practice during football season, or when something special comes up that she really wants to do. I am completely honest w/her coach and she is o.k. with it. I think we'd both rather keep her happy and involved with the sport, as long as possible. I am a realist and this is HER sport, not mine. I will do everything I can do encourage her to stay happy and wanting to stick with it, but it is ultimately up to her to decide what she wants to do w/her time.

 

[Deleted member D3987]

honestly, i will post on this soon. i'm collecting my thoughts. by the way, aussiecoach's post was a beautiful thing.

 

[bpatient]

honestly, i will post on this soon. i'm collecting my thoughts. by the way, aussiecoach's post was a beautiful thing.

Excellent, dunno. Aussiecoach's comments were helpful, but they made me think that, since my child is still rather "young" for her age, I may really be looking towards the 14 to 15 transition. (Boys?!) I have to say that it's really interesting dealing with someone who can be amazingly mature one moment and then turn into a little kid the next. I've never had to do this before (dd is my only child), but it must make life interesting for coaches.