Parents New here. Need some WWYD advice . ...

[wildrosejmj]

Our 12 y/o daughter is a level 5 gymnast. She's been in gymnastics since she was 6, started in rec, but fast tracked into the competitive team and has been competing for 4 years. This year started a little rough but she finished off getting solid mid to high 8s in all events and they plan to move her to level 6 next year.

T is the oldest and highest ranked team member at her gym. There were older girls there until a year or so ago when we had a coaching shake up and they went to the one other gym in town. So it's a young team. I clean the gym to pay for her fees so we didn't really have the option to move, nor did we want to. Up till now I have felt very confident in our coaches and like the gym philosophy overall.

The other day we got an invite from one of the other parents for the girls to go to a painting party during practice time to celebrate the end of their competitive year. The girls are going to paint a picture, have some snacks, and it was going to cost us $25. I verified that this had been approved by the coaches and was told, in no uncertain terms, that this was considered practice for that night in the name of camaraderie and team building. I see it that she is losing a day of practice that we already paid for and being asked to pay more. I'm all for team building and the girls having fun occasionally, (Mon night they had a short practice and then watched the Gabby Douglas Story), but I feel like I'm paying for her to be at the gym. If they want to do this activity and call it practice, the gym should pay for it.

Am I completely off base? For the record, T doesn't want to go. She lives for her gym time and doesn't have any interest in hanging out with a bunch of 7-10 year olds and doing something she has no interest in especially at the cost of her practice time. Any thoughts? Thanks.

Jen

 

[munchkin3]

Fun is a very important part of gymnastics. I get the cost part, but......I understand the age thing.......if she does not want to go, then she shouldn't......btw, welcome!!!!!!

 

[twinmomma]

$25 seems pretty steep for some paint and some snacks. I'm all for the camaraderie and team building, but I'd want to know what the $$ is going for. Because you're right, you are already paying for her to be there. That would bother me big time.

 

[gymmomtotwo]

If she doesn't want to go and you don't want to pay, do something fun to enjoy her night off. Gym tuition isn't a per hour thing on team. We occasionally have practices cancelled for various reasons and tuition remains the same. Camraderie and team building are worthy objectives and the end of a competitive season. Our gym also tacks on extra time during comp season to work on various things without charging us so I feel it evens out. This is small. I understand your annoyance especially when it seems some people seem to have unlimited pocket books. It doesn't even occur to them that an unexpected $25 extra might be a hardship to anyone. If you are happy with the gym overall, let it ride. One missed practice isn't going to matter this time next year.

 

[NutterButter]

Gosh what a tough one. I would not be very happy about it either especially since it sounds like the group already had a "fun" practice one night. I would let the coaches know my displeasure with what seems like having to pay double for the evening. I would however suck it up and have my daughter go (or force her if she didn't want to). The team building and fun aspect is so important. And although your DD may be older she is still part of the team. My DD is also a 12 yr old L5 and like yours she is on average 3 years older than her teammates. She felt out of place when she first joined her group a couple of years ago. I've encouraged my DD to form bonds with the girls and not worry about the age difference. It took awhile but now many of the ones she feels closest to are among the youngest in the group.

 

[profmom]

Hahaha, our boys' coach reluctantly agreed to let the boys have some cupcakes and fruit to celebrate surviving states, but cheered up quite a lot when we made it clear to him that we wanted to do it at the END of practice, not in the middle. We do very occasional team-building stuff that costs extra (last time it was a rock-climbing gym excursion), but the coaches would kill us if we tried to do it during practice hours.

 

[raenndrops]

Skip it and have a family fun day... or she can spend the time conditioning at home.

No point in going to something that costs money if she isn't into it.

 

[Midwestmommy]

I think I'm in the minority here, but I would strongly "encourage" my daughter to go. As the oldest and most mature, she is a leader in the group. That is part of the "experience" your daughter is getting out of the sport.

I'm going to draw an analogy to an employment experience down the road. If they are in town and working that day, the leader of the division, manager, or most experienced folks are absolutely expected at our company to take part in the once or twice a year party that is planned (holiday season party, boat ride). These are done on company time, and even if you don't like the activity you show up and have fun and build relationships with the folks on the team. To not do so would be considered bad form, and not very smart politically.

So, nope, I would not let my daughter skip the event. As the oldest and the leader I would expect her to be a role model and go and have fun with the others, even if they are a few years younger. Some day she will be in her forties and need to work effectively with coworkers the age of her own children. There are all sorts of various lessons to be drawn from sports experiences, that's why I love sports for kids!

My daughter has been to several birthday parties at those places where a group all paints the same famous painting (with their own spin and colors). All of the kids seem to really love it. And I've know some adults who did it at the places that do it for groups of adults (and serve wine if desired), and they loved it too.

Gymnastics is over for her between 18 to 23 years old. But the experiences drawn from her time there can be carried forward for many years. That's the way I try to look at this stuff, at age 12 my daughter would not be given the choice by mean old mom not to participate.

 

[wildrosejmj]

Thank you so much for the responses so far. It's nice to know I'm not the only one who questions this. I think one of the reasons it bugs me so much is that, just a few weeks ago I got an email from one of the coaches about T's missed practices and how we need to take her commitment seriously. The had recently missed a little more time than usual, but I reminded the coach that she had been sick the entire month of Feb., even competed sick - twice, and the only other time she missed was when we pull her early for religious ed on Wed. nights, something we've always done. So if we pull her early for religious ed, that's not ok, but they can take the kids and go painting?

Oh, and the painting thing is an art studio that does parties where people come in a group - like a party. They all paint the same thing and socialize.

Thanks again. I really appreciate your thoughts.

 

[wildrosejmj]

To midwestmommy: I do appreciate your perspective. I've thought through these same things myself and, if it was on an off day or if they weren't missing the entire practice, or if the gym was paying for it, I'd be fine. It's a combination of the whole situation that aggravates me, along with the whole concept of people making decisions that cost me money, especially when I have no say in it. I feel like, if she goes, we're compromising our principles and that doing this will set a precedent for more activities like this that eat up more gym time and money. I don't know. Maybe we're both a bit spirited. Thanks for offering a different perspective. I appreciate it.

 

[twinmomma]

To midwestmommy: I do appreciate your perspective. I've thought through these same things myself and, if it was on an off day or if they weren't missing the entire practice, or if the gym was paying for it, I'd be fine. It's a combination of the whole situation that aggravates me, along with the whole concept of people making decisions that cost me money, especially when I have no say in it. I feel like, if she goes, we're compromising our principles and that doing this will set a precedent for more activities like this that eat up more gym time and money. I don't know. Maybe we're both a bit spirited. Thanks for offering a different perspective. I appreciate it.

I would send her, but I would be VERY clear with coaches/booster group/gym (whoever made the decision) that these "extras" add up and should be communicated well in advance. I know with what we spend on gym (and my son's sports) that an extra $25 isn't always easy to come by, especially as a surprise and last minute.

 

[MILgymFAM]

I would let her skip. Hubby is in the military and we have had enough forced fun shoved down our throats over the years to know, with 100% certainty, that it doesn't built any camaraderie- usually just annoyance and resentment. I would explain to the coach that DD doesn't like painting and you can't afford the extra expense, and then enjoy something together at home.

 

[twinmomma]

I would let her skip. Hubby is in the military and we have had enough forced fun shoved down our throats over the years to know, with 100% certainty, that it doesn't built any camaraderie- usually just annoyance and resentment. I would explain to the coach that DD doesn't like painting and you can't afford the extra expense, and then enjoy something together at home.

Right...I highly doubt a year from now your DD will say "remember that time we all painted at the gym?" More than likely (and I know for my gymmie this would be the case) they'd rather have "free" time in the gym. DD loves to try things on the tumble track and bars and that would be much more of a reward than painting - and she loves to do art.

 

[Midwestmommy]

Well, just saying.... If I were interviewing college students for a plum part time job at the company during their senior year in college..... If they brought up this situation of being a leader in gymnastics for a younger group of kids.... They would get a big old check in the box showing they gave a specific example of "relationship building skills." If they just said they were on a team with kids of various ages, I would push for specific examples of what that required (such as this)...

Which hopefully translates into the willingness and ability to work well with internal and external customers, some of whom you like and would probably hang out with on your off-work time, and some of whom you would not hang out with on your personal time. You need to work well with both to be successful in many work environments.

It is really important for kids to be kids, and I think a little time together out of the gym makes for stronger more supportive teams. And the "human" skills are one of the reasons I like gymnastics versus having her spend even half those 16 hours playing video games...

I do understand about the money and the frustration with the overall picture. But their boss someday will not support skipping the twice-a-year team building event because they have been absent a lot... In fact bringing it up as part of the conversation as an excuse not to go would probably backfire a little.

Like I said, mean old mom.... (that's me) We try to make lots of situations teachable moments. But it's up to your family to decide what your own values are and how to teach them (for instance this could be a "spending time with family is a priority" lesson too, I get that).

 

[Midwestmommy]

'Right...I highly doubt a year from now your DD will say "remember that time we all painted at the gym?"

teeeheeee sure she will, because you will still be trying to figure out where to put that picture you don't really want in the living room or family room....and will hang it up her bedroom!! I speak from experience on that one...

 

[gymmomtotwo]

I don't think she (or you) are obligated at all to spend $25 on something she doesn't want to do, even if it is team building. I agree there are cheaper ways to build team unity than expensive organized parties. Again, thoughtless people who think nothing of forking out another $25 for some painting and snacks. it doesn't occur to them that every dollar someone spends on gymnastics is a sacrifice (or time spent cleaning the gym) But, it in the grand scheme of things, it isn't worth fussing about either. I definitely wouldn't force her to go. If the gym says it is mandatory, then yes, they should pay for it. That is different than just cancelling practice so the team can go do a fun activity.

 

[wildrosejmj]

I didn't mean it as an excuse for not going, but rather as being inconsistent. I do see your point and there are many activities I would be glad to stand behind - community service, going to tour the college gym and meet the collegiate athletes, open gym time, etc. And yes, that stupid picture would become yet another piece if forgotten junk floating around the depths of her room! lol

 

[wildrosejmj]

I don't think she (or you) are obligated at all to spend $25 on something she doesn't want to do, even if it is team building. I agree there are cheaper ways to build team unity than expensive organized parties. Again, thoughtless people who think nothing of forking out another $25 for some painting and snacks. it doesn't occur to them that every dollar someone spends on gymnastics is a sacrifice (or time spent cleaning the gym) But, it in the grand scheme of things, it isn't worth fussing about either. I definitely wouldn't force her to go. If the gym says it is mandatory, then yes, they should pay for it. That is different than just cancelling practice so the team can go do a fun activity.

Oh yeah - we all supposed to bring a snack too!

 

[Deleted member 18037]

I think I'm in the minority here, but I would strongly "encourage" my daughter to go. As the oldest and most mature, she is a leader in the group. That is part of the "experience" your daughter is getting out of the sport.

This. I would have her go. I am sure many girls look up to her. Sometimes being part of team means doing things you don't necessarily want to do.

Regarding practice time, I would have her make it up. It was a scheduled practice, you are "owed" the time.

 

[wildrosejmj]

I feel like I should throw in, over the years, she's gone to many things - birthday parties, fun days, the team has gone out to eat after practice, etc. It not like we aren't "team players," and under different circumstances, I would probably just tell her to go - and she would. She's very good at "making nice," and making the effort to get along with everybody. She's also very supportive and adored by the younger girls. Honestly though, this actually enforces my reasons for not sending her. I feel like, by endorsing this activity, we're supporting it and going against what we feel is the right thing to do.

I will say this - I'm so glad I wrote in. All the parents at the gym are so new and I never see them so it's been hard to get to know anyone. Even before, they were all very cliquish and fake. Even the ones I thought I was friends with, turned out to not be when all the doo doo hit the fan. I'm blessed to have a good support network of friends, but none of them are gym parents. This has also helped me think through why I feel like I do and why I don't want to support this event. I'm certain now that we're making the right decision. I don't like certain aspects of it but I feel like, to do anything else, would ask me to be less than I am. I just hope that I'm not the only parent at the gym who feels like this. I also hope that it doesn't have repercussions for T. I guess, if it does, we'll know better where we really stand with people.