Parents Anyone else REALLY want their DD to quit?

[looly]

However, I do wonder if there are also some truly negative effects to being the bottom of the pack again and again despite all the hard work. When I hear of kids who are consistently bottom of the pack I feel worried for my bottom of the pack daughter -is this going to be how her gym "career" always is? How will this effect her? Yes she will learn to work hard and will be fit and will learn about perseverance -but is it OK that she learns to be content with never coming in 1st (or 2nd, or 3rd, etc)? Will that make her feel like she is less capable than others -maybe even that she is less capable in other life pursuits and that she can settle for 11th best AKA last with everything? I worry about this. I would love to hear what other parents with experience with this have to say about it.

I have a slightly different perspective on this because my ODD is one who dreams of being where your daughter is - just on the team at all. I did not understand enough nor did she show the interest in team when she was young, so we stayed at a rec-only gym until she decided at 9 that she wanted to compete. We changed gyms and her skills have come along an amazing way in the last 3 months, but the likelihood is that she'll never get to be on team. I am so proud of her, though, because as she's struggled, I've seen her mature and become more internally motivated- she is so focused on improving her skills for herself, and has realized that she loves to do gymnastics in and of itself and not for the fun of competition (for her there's not going to be any external reward beyond her coach's high five, but she still wants to get to the gym on time, never miss a practice, make every open gym to get more hours, etc.) That's a benefit I didn't anticipate, but I am so, so happy she's getting. School comes so easily to her, she doesn't have to work hard at all and I know that one day she will hit something academically that doesn't come naturally; I no longer really worry about her falling into the trap of so many "gifted" kids who are unable to persevere when that happens, because she's learning from gymnastics that the effort itself is worth something and that, especially when something doesn't come naturally, there is honor and joy knowing you are doing the best you can, even if your best performances are not when anyone else is looking, or are not better than other people's half-hearted efforts.

I would also add that ODD is no less competitive about anything else, and is very much a perfectionist about grades and other things, so I don't think you need to worry about accepting ranking low in competition in one aspect of life making her feel like she shouldn't strive for success in everything. I talk to my DD about how there will be someone smarter than her, prettier than her, more athletic than her, better than her at probably everything she cares about; but her success in life, is going to be based on working her butt off ANYWAY. That resilience is a hard thing to teach, and for ODD gymnastics is where she has to use that resiliency muscle the most - and this makes every dime worth it.

It's definitely harder on me than it is on her, and I have to check myself regularly to fix my internal dialog about it (and I have to remind myself that we started gymnastics because my lowish muscle tone preemie needed something to help her develop gross motor skills, and she's exceeded what I thought possible years ago when she began). It is hard to see her watch the team kids practice and get a little sad or hear her talk about how much she wants to compete, and it's hard/embarrassing to watch her just starting to get skills girls half her age can do - but that's MY issue and I work on letting it go (without her knowing I'm even thinking about it). When I am able to let go of my ego and competitiveness, and keep focused on my long term goals for her (which are way bigger than gymnastics,) I can appreciate everything she does achieve and support her in what she loves. I also like to think that this struggle with myself will make me a better parent, and teach me how (and how to help her) to balance high expectations with realistic goals for when she's older and the situations are more important.

 

[Iwannabemargo]

Will that make her feel like she is less capable than others -maybe even that she is less capable in other life pursuits and that she can settle for 11th best AKA last with everything?

I wish - last comp we entered Pink was in a group of 64, medals top 3, ribbons for 4, 5 and 6, so not getting an award is pretty normal here. If she has a rough comp I say to her " how many people in your school can do what you do (she is one of 3 gymnasts in a school of 1500) ? And I tell her what a star she really is.

 

[profmom]

However, I do wonder if there are also some truly negative effects to being the bottom of the pack again and again despite all the hard work. When I hear of kids who are consistently bottom of the pack I feel worried for my bottom of the pack daughter -is this going to be how her gym "career" always is? How will this effect her? Yes she will learn to work hard and will be fit and will learn about perseverance -but is it OK that she learns to be content with never coming in 1st (or 2nd, or 3rd, etc)? Will that make her feel like she is less capable than others -maybe even that she is less capable in other life pursuits and that she can settle for 11th best AKA last with everything? I worry about this. I would love to hear what other parents with experience with this have to say about it.

If you frame it properly, no, it will not have a negative effect.

You have to understand how this sport works. They work and fail repeatedly at things until they finally succeed, and the reward for success is moving on to the next thing at which they will fail repeatedly. Contentment should not ideally come from placements at meets, but rather with routines well done. I am also the owner and operator of a regional parallel bars champion who was far less satisfied with that routine than with his vault at that meet, which did not garner a medal, but was better than most of the vaults he had done all season.

My DD is not awesome in comparison to her level teammates, but the little L5s in the gym watch her with amazement and disbelief. She's doing things that probably only about 20,000 other girls in the entire country can do.

Gym also has a lot to teach us parents, if we care to learn, about valuing our children's own accomplishments in using themselves as a yardstick. I think it's hard to get this when your child is still new to the sport and it's so exciting to go to a meet and see her/him called out and placed above other children. But if your child makes it to upper optionals, you and all those parents you've sat at for endless practices and meets really will cheer in a heartfelt way when you witness a personal victory, like a girl making her acro series on beam after months of struggle or after a string of meets with falls. And more importantly, so will her teammates, that girl's gym sisters. That's winning, and everyone on the team knows and values it, no matter what kind of medal, if any at all, comes. This doesn't mean we don't value the external accomplishments. We do. We're very proud of our state and regional champions and our national qualifiers and medalists. But the girls and boys who are primarily driven by external success at meets tend to wash out before they get very high up, because medals don't really correlate all that well with the 110% effort required to get that next achievement that will lead to the next set of failures.

 

[RTT2]

I'm sure we all pursue things that we aren't the best at but have a passion for. I've been a runner for years and have done many, many road races and triathlons. I've never won a single race as an adult, and I'm certainly not going to the Olympics. But I enjoy training and racing- does the fact that I may be middle or even back of the pack make it less valuable or enjoyable? Not for me. If we tell our kids the only things worth pursuing are the things they are the very best at they may not want to work at anything at all.

 

[my4buffaloes]

I think you need to take a hard look at what you consider normal. Then see if you can make that happen alongside of gym. Both can happen. Think though, that everyone's normal is different.

 

[Ali'sMom]

I think you need to take a hard look at what you consider normal. Then see if you can make that happen alongside of gym. Both can happen. Think though, that everyone's normal is different.

I have an uncle who always tells me "Normal is just a setting on a washer".

I do try to balance DD's life for her, when it comes to fun.
She's at gym until 8:40pm 4 nights, and still has homework (she's a 7th grade gifted honors student who wants ALL As), some nights until 11pm. Last Friday on the way home I said "Can you please not do homework tonight? I really want to go to bed" (I stay up with her because she does her homework downstairs, and gets nervous alone at night). She said "Oh, um, can I please do half an hour of science?"
How do I say no to that?
The weekends consist of 4 hours of practice on Saturday, and homework.

So when the opportunity arises that her friends are doing something fun, I do my best to help guide her time management so she can join in. Sometimes she'd rather be doing homework, but I do my best to make sure we fit other "normal" stuff in as much as I can help it.

 

[mommyof1]

However, I do wonder if there are also some truly negative effects to being the bottom of the pack again and again despite all the hard work.

My daughter doesn't do gymnastics because she loves competing, she does it because she wants to spend all her free time in the gym at practice doing flippy things with her friends, and maybe a little bit because she loves being able to beat all the boys at school (and mommy) at pull-up contests. Although I hate seeing her upset over her scores, she seems to be getting over that relatively quickly, and I think she will eventually learn to judge her meet performance against her own personal goals. What really does worry me is the times when she comes home from practice crying, "I wish I was normal and could learn my flippy thing as fast as everyone else." Those are the times when I wonder if any damage is being done. But then the next day she comes home ecstatic because she got her flippy thing, and everything is fine again for a few days or weeks.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

I think there is a learning curve/reality check that all kids need/will hit regarding medals and trophies.

The point when you no longer get a medal for just showing up. L3/L4 seems to be it for most kids. But really at some point they all get there (with rare exceptions).

And sometimes its (not saying anyone here or on this thread) its the parents. Seeing some of this, this year in my parts. The why are we doing this if the child isn't going to place.... If that is the only motiviation, they won't be doing this for long.

Again, not that it pertains to anyone on this thread in particular or here. Just a general observation.

 

[motigymnasticsmom]

There was a girl on Dd team at old gym who always used to come in last. She also loved being on team and didn't mind competing. But, she was extremely shy, quiet and most of all scared. She didn't want to do the harder stuff. She came everyday, practiced hard, etc, but for some unknown reason, she was just sloppy at gymnastics. I think her parents let her compete 2 1/2 seasons and then she quit. So, I have a solution. Is there recreational team somewhere in your general area?

 

[balancedmom]

I'm not the OP but this is the same that we experienced from the first moment in L3. Rules on attendance means that family vacations (not that we can afford them) can only be scheduled when the gym is closed -- which are only holidays when you don't want to travel away from home anyway. This week my daughter is missing performing in two school concerts because she isn't allowed to miss practice -- so she will take the equivalent of zeros on two tests. Its only 10 hours a week but it is over 5 days, so that completely rules our weekly schedule. With rigid move-up requirements each meet is super-stressful until she makes the necessary score. This year we are down to sectionals and she still hasn't made her move-up score and if she doesn't do that this week she also won't be allowed to compete at states or move up. And the "can't schedule anything all weekend until you know the timing" for meets is the worst -- essentially meaning that all of the family schedule is hostage to that email that tells us whether we can do other things or not that weekend. Two years at L3, looking like 2 years at L4.

Do I want her to quit? Yes, in fact, I do. It's running our family, she is unhappy after practice more often than not, and the financial sacrifice is tremendous. There is added stress for us because she is older (12), so she needs to get to optionals before high school if she wants to compete there. We chose this gym when she was 5 because they were rec only -- no team. Then they started a team 3 years ago with everyone starting at L3, and of course she wanted to do it and we said yes. For us, the solution is going to be to move to a different gym that offers Xcel after this season. More flexibility, lower cost, and maybe she can explore some other talents that might serve her better in the future since you can't be a gymnast forever -- her gym career will almost certainly end after high school at the latest.

wow-- sounds like your gym is super intense. Not allowed to miss practice for a school concert at L3 or L4? this just seems absurd. I know that this sport can be super serious and a lot is expected of these kids, but it is an activity- these girls are not going to the Olympics, and most of them will not make it in the sport long enough for college gym. Maybe a less stressful place would help!

 

[balancedmom]

No we are not at a powerhouse gym. She practices 10 hours per week. There is no strict rule about not missing practice but it is definitely discouraged particularly during the summer b/c our compulsories compete in the Fall. Also I want to give her the best shot of doing well that I can -b/c she needs it.

Some of you mention that you are surprised that I am not proud watching her compete regardless of how she does. No, pride is the last thing I feel when watching her during meets. I am VERY proud of her for many many things -she's a great kid. But she consistently comes in very last place at meets -by a lot -and hasn't even improved from the beginning to the end of the season. She falls multiple times on each event during meets. I am proud that she keeps going despite this, very proud. But I also feel like a terrible parent for putting her out there (though again all I did was sign up for pre team when invited and team when invited!). And with each fall I am more and more disappointed b/c I know she will be sad after the meet. I have never seen her do a routine during a meet and thought she'd done her best -she is better in practice.

my daughter also does this, and does not place often. But she must love the sport because she keeps going back, and she quickly gets over the disappointment and keeps loving the sport.

 

[Erbmom]

I see this sort of thing on here a lot -parents of kids who don't place year after year after year. I do not mean to sound judgmental. I truly can see what a kid can gain from working hard and improving at her own pace but never being at the top of the podium (or anywhere close). It's OK to have to work harder for something than others and it's a great lesson to learn that perseverance is key -we will all come up against many things in life that don't come naturally and those who go get it anyhow rather than quit in frustration will be the real winners. So great life lessons can certainly come from being bottom of the team at each level. And of course there are all the other benefits to gym which are there for the top scorer and the bottom scorer alike -fitness, hard work, being part of a team, not watching too much TV, time management, etc, etc, etc. However, I do wonder if there are also some truly negative effects to being the bottom of the pack again and again despite all the hard work. When I hear of kids who are consistently bottom of the pack I feel worried for my bottom of the pack daughter -is this going to be how her gym "career" always is? How will this effect her? Yes she will learn to work hard and will be fit and will learn about perseverance -but is it OK that she learns to be content with never coming in 1st (or 2nd, or 3rd, etc)? Will that make her feel like she is less capable than others -maybe even that she is less capable in other life pursuits and that she can settle for 11th best AKA last with everything? I worry about this. I would love to hear what other parents with experience with this have to say about it.

I had another last-placer. It didn't really seem to bother DD, she still jokes about her 22nd place trophy. Very rarely she'd have a good meet and place in the top 3, so she could do it if she really wanted to. But I don't think she wanted to put in the effort all the time. She loved gymnastics from when she started at age 5 until about 9. She would flip around the house constantly. It did kill me a little to watch her not perform her best, when it was obvious that she could. You can't help but think of all the $$ it's costing. I think i've posted this before, but her dance teacher once said "she could be so fabulous... if she wasn't so lazy." Mine really wanted to get the skills that she wanted to get, and the rest, well, they weren't so important to her. By age 10 she started to ask to skip gymnastics "just today" but those days were happening more frequently. I was so ready for her to quit. Started planting the thoughts in her head that it was okay to quit, just because she had been doing it for years, didn't mean she had to do it forever. She finally quit last year for good and has tried several sports, dance, cheer, soccer, basketball. She's in middle school and does tons of extracirrculars there that she wouldn't have had time for if she was still competing in gymnastics, those hours are too insane. My DD is definitely happier now. DS is a boys level 5 and I feel like he'll stick with it longer, but we'll see. He's only in 2nd grade now so you never know what'll happen in the middle school years.

But I totally get the original post of not knowing what you've signed up for. I signed up two kids for rec gymnastics because at their ages, I could have two in the same class and I was too lazy to have them in different sports at different times. Little did I know DD would love it so much and it would consume our lives for a few years (other brother did not last past rec). That being said, I would never allow it to interfere with family vacations, school activities, etc.

 

[Anna's_Mom]

I envy those of you with gymnasts who don't place well but still happily continue. I can only assume that their teammates and coaches don't harass or tease them about their scores. The gym, and gymnasts, response to DD scores this season are a big reason that she was contemplating quitting. In the end we've decided to change to a less competitive gym with an Xcel option. Their gymnasts almost never place, but at least she has a shot of getting back to where practice is fun and getting her self-confidence back. T

 

[Anna's_Mom]

wow-- sounds like your gym is super intense. Not allowed to miss practice for a school concert at L3 or L4? this just seems absurd. I know that this sport can be super serious and a lot is expected of these kids, but it is an activity- these girls are not going to the Olympics, and most of them will not make it in the sport long enough for college gym. Maybe a less stressful place would help!

We've already made that decision - just waiting until the final two meets of the season are done to make the switch.

 

[sewgood]

My daughter doesn't do gymnastics because she loves competing, she does it because she wants to spend all her free time in the gym at practice doing flippy things with her friends, and maybe a little bit because she loves being able to beat all the boys at school (and mommy) at pull-up contests.

My daughter LOVES beating all the boys at pull ups, sit ups, rope climbs, mile run, etc. Last year on the presidential fitness test thing, she had the highest scores of anyone in the school on every single thing except the mile. She came in second place on that... lost to a 5th grade boy who was nearly a foot taller than her (and yeah, she was still a little mad that he beat her time). One time when they were doing rope climbs, she apparently told the class they were doing it wrong and proceeded to show them the "real" way, i.e. gymnastics style/arms only. PE teacher e-mailed me about that one. But yeah, she definitely loves being able to show off in gym class.

 

[munchkin3]

Dear OP......please refer to the other thread, why does your child do gymnastics.
That's the reason we support them.

 

[Muddlethru]

If they are happy, who cares if they don't finish first (better than saying they finish last). I'd just make sure I keep my feelings on check, so they do not read into what I am feeling. If my daughter truly wanted to compete, I'd speak with the coach or find a gym that will give her a spot in the team. There a several leagues that will accommodate various abilities and commitments.

To looly, there was a girl in my daughter's former gym that was mildly autistic and did not seemingly have the muscle tone or form for gymnastics. Every year, the mothers would be surprised she would somehow get the gateway skills to the next level. She repeated levels and actually took home trophies from small meets. She made it to Level 8 without ever having to point her toes. And there were meets where she was the only one in the team that stayed on beam, a benefit of slow twitch.

 

[Alie21]

no...I don't wish they would quit. In fact, I hope they never quit. Nothing would please me more than for either of them to being doing adult classes or coaching someday.

I would just be happy she is doing something---I know so many parents out there who wish their kids had a passion for something other than that d*mn computer, glowing box (tv) or video games.

What will last is the joy that you personally will take in seeing your child do the amazing things she's capable of doing because she is willing to work as hard as she can to do them.

This, this and this from me!

 

[notthatmom]

I am wondering if I'm alone in this. I helped her get to where she is (on level 3 team, most likely repeating the level next year). I signed her up for her first beginners rec class. When the gym suggested pre team I signed her up -she really wanted to do it. And here we are. The sport is way more $$ and way more difficult and time consuming than I ever expected. It is also more stressful than I ever expected. And I never expected to feel such a responsibility to always get her to the gym on time, plan vacations around gym/meets, etc. It's been a big sacrifice for our family. She did not do well this season, which I'm OK with, as the plan is for her to most likely repeat level 3. I expect that she can do much better next year, but I also feel like what's the point? She LOVES gymnastics. And that's great, I love seeing her be passionate about something and I see what she has gained from it. But still, the sacrifice is really feeling like more than the gain right now, and I really really wish I could convince her to quit. She won't hear of it and of course I wouldn't take her out against her will. Has anyone else felt like this? Wished they'd never walked in the gym for a beginner class to begin with?

If your DD is just at level 3 and you're already worried about financials now, it's only going to get worse. Much worse.
Before I agreed to let DD join pre-team I sat down and thoroughly looked thru what this was going to cost us...like once she was on team, if she gets to TOPS, what it would cost if she makes it to level 10...etc. and I (hope to god) think it will most likely work.

Today I got a little sad thinking about families who go on exotic vacations to here there and everywhere...thinking "holy crap, we probably aren't ever going to be able to do this kind of stuff"....but then I thought about it some more, and realized MY parents never took me to the Bahamas, and I turned out fine...I was totally ok with sacrificing a "normal life" for my sport, so if my kid loves gymnastics this much, she won't even think of it as a sacrifice. I've got my entire life to travel, my kids are only going to be young for so long....the Bahamas can wait.

So to answer your question, yes. I did think about my daughter quitting, or putting her in a less demanding sport. But then I thought about how I would have felt if my parents made me quit figure skating, and I know I would have been devastated....so here we are, in this for the long haul.


If it's something your kid loves, and you can figure it out financially, I say make the sacrifice for your kid.

If it's going to be impossible for your family from a financial standpoint, then find another sport that is less demanding that perhaps can utilize the skills gym has already taught her.

 

[gracyomalley]

Looking from the otherside of things, I can add only a couple things - financially, you have to be honest with yourself and your kids - if you can afford it and value it, do it and if not, don't. Kids are much better off knowing that there are limits to what their parents can afford then thinking there's a money tree in mom and dad's closet!

If gym (or any other expensive and time eating extracurricular activity for children) is an overall positive for the kids and family, then its "worth it"...doesn't matter what the "acheivements" are.

I didn't want DD to quit - mostly because I knew she wasn't sure what she wanted and had really loved gym - but her leaving gymnastics has opened up the opportunity for her to try new sports and activities, make new friends (after being in gym from age 5-13), and start figuring out who she really wants to be.

Gymnastics (both the years she was a mediocre complusory and the many awards as an optional) was fun for her until the last year. Gymnastics gave her goals, a work ethic, physical strength, and a sense of personal accomplishment. When the positives were not there anymore, gym was over for her and it had nothing to do with how "good" a gymnast she was or wasn't....it just took a while to figure that out for sure.

Financially she has certainly found multiple other expensive things she wants to try now! However, she finally has a few free moments, and has a steady babysitting job so she can help pay for her own activities....just one more "normal teenage thing" that she couldn't do as an upper level gymnast.

My 2 boys continue in gym. and yes, I sometimes want my oldest to quit. He's reasonably good. A level 8. Making progress. But the time committment, the stress on his body, late nights of doing homework at 11pm after practice, etc are a big issue. Its much less expensive than his other activity (music), but gym is the thing that will eventually have to go. He's not ready yet, and has a committment to this year. When he is ready (because they ALL quit eventually, its just a matter of when they are done, rec, L3 or L10...) I want it to be his choice....and I will support him until then - because if I couldn't I would have made the parenting choice years ago to move to other activities.

At elementary school and L3, I think its still primarily up to the parent whether they feel its a healthy, enjoyable activity that the whole family can support .....if not, well there are lots of other things out there!