Parents At a loss (mental block follow-up)

[LizzieLac]

Oh, almost forgot. A wise coach once said, "Are you coming to practice with the intention of impressing me? If not, you should be."

 

[sce]

And yes, as her parents, we certainly can tell when she's not trying her hardest - even her coaches have commented on it. Looking around to see if anyone is looking and then completely skipping out on her turn at something? I'm pretty sure that counts as not working in the most obvious form.

I'm not trying to get defensive, but I feel like I'm being judged for all the wrong reasons. I'm not some overbearing crazy parent who wants an olympian. I don't care if she does this a while and then wants to quit or do something else. But if she does want to do it, I expect she put effort into it. You have to earn things in life, and she needs to start learning that.

Frustrated.

Sorry you are frustrated. it is hard to watch your kids not behaving. I feel that not doing what the coach requested is misbehaving. I have been there with my son. His biggest issues was playing around and not paying attention. He'd lose turns because he wasn't ready. He'd distract his friends. It was so hard to watch. I would talk to him afterwards. His coach would talk to him. He was still learning gymnastics, but he also needed to learn how to act. He is learning/ has learned. He's 12 now and goofs off a lot less. He also speaks up and tells other boys he doesn't want to play around at the gym. Recently, his coach lectured all the boys that their parents paid good money for them to be there, so don't waste it by playing around!

Your dd is old enough to have some real, serious talks with about it. Be up front that you notice she doesn't always do everything the coach asks her to. Have her consider why she's supposed to be ding those things? What is the result of not dong them. What does he want out of gymnastics? Is she getting it? If not, is there anything she can do to change that? It's still letting her do it on her terms, but also teaching her to evaluate what she wants and how her actions play into getting it.

 

[gracyomalley]

Does she have good friends at gym? Do they work hard? Does it pay off for them? Mostly I agree that this sport is too expensive and she is too old to just continue on if you feel she really doesn't have her heart in it - BUT I know there are a few kids on DD team whose parents are ok with that because of the friendships and exercise gym gives their kids. There are also times when a kid can see the benefit of hard work and other times when they work their "hardest" but it seems to get them no where - and how a coach responds to that will make a big difference on how the kid "frames" it mentally - and how they approach working on things later. Generally all human beings need to see some payoff to continue to work hard.

my younger DS will work hard as can be if the coach is attentive, and if he's in a group of boys working hard - but will goof off immensely if the group is doing so. Even DD, who at age 5 was considered the hardest worker in the pre-school program, had a phase when she was about 8 when she skipped a few things here and there and only realized how it affected her about 2 years later....however, if its a family sacrifice, then you as family (ie parents) need to decide what you are sacrificing for - the experience? the lessons of a team sport? keeping her busy with something she says she loves? Obviously for most of us this isn't something we expect our kids to make a living out of or do as adults...so I would argue you have to be clear of what your goals for gym are for her - and then feel confident following through.

Oh, and I have heard of gyms requiring a years commitment, but I don't by any means think its the norm - or even fair at L3....

 

[MerriWeather]

She is friends with everyone on the team and has sleepovers, texts, etc with almost all of them in some capacity. Two of her closest friends are the top two gymnasts on her team and one is usually top 3 AA in their division; she works hard and my DD sees her work hard and sees her reward. We don't want to compare her to other girls, but when she has complained of M taking another AA award, we tell her that M works really hard and it shows!

As for the year commitment, that's another rant I could post entirely...

 

[luvmygymdtr]

I relate to this. I have two children. They have each been given the exact same opportunities. They have each taught me so much about hard work and motivation. And I have concluded that 'You can lead a horse to water but you can't make her drink'.

My gymnast, the youngest, was led to one sport, and was off and running. She has worked hard to get to where she is now. She is excited for the season to be over to get cracking on new skills, and would rather die than miss a day at the gym.

My oldest daughter, however, has been introduced to every sport available in our area and has landed on ice skating because she hates to sweat (seriously, that's how she picked her sport). She is very lucky that my youngest came along to teach me that we are more or less born with a sense of work ethic. Otherwise, because of her lack of drive, I would have pushed her right out of the only sport she is willing to do.

So, just like we do for my gymnast, we allow my skater to lead us with what she is willing to do. She skates competitively, but on a recreational level, equivalent to excel. Even though her passion and commitment are far below what her sister demonstrates, and even though we spend twice as much money on skating than we do on gym, we do allow her to continue skating. She absolutely gets out of it everything that all the other posters have suggested your daughter will get out of gym....Fitness, learning about hard work, team work, honoring commitment, ....etc etc. I always hope her commitment will increase at some point. It hasn't, but we do have a (soon-to-be) 14 year who still participates in her sport, and from everything I've read on the attrition rate of teens in their sports, she has defied the odds.

 

[MerriWeather]

...ice skating because she hates to sweat (seriously, that's how she picked her sport).

Oh my this made me chuckle! Smart girl!

 

[sevenatenine2]

I'm sorry if I made you feel judged too. When we switched gyms, I started to coach, which took all the financial pressure out of it. I completely understand the frustration that adds as well, I just wanted to give you our experience.

 

[SignHere]

I did t mean to make you feel judged, either. I think my DD is probably the laziest person on the face of the planet. She doesn't even take the trouble to write her name neatly on schoolwork, just slops right through class work.

Whereas I am definitely Type A - all the way. Whatever I do, has to be done perfectly. It is hard to parent your child when there is such a huge disconnect.

But my point about about repeating Level 3 was, she could actually do well repeating the level, have some time to gain some maturity, and actually get the feeling of what it's like to win. Then, when it's time to move up, she might have the maturity to put the pieces together that she would have to work hard to perfect them to KEEP on winning.

Whatever you do decide, best of luck. I'm going to go remind my DD to write her spelling homework in her neatest handwriting!

 

[Deleted member D3987]

i'm not judging at all. i've seen this several times over the years. first, remove yourself from the gym. second, remove her when the season is over.

don't feed the problem...starve it.

 

[beamer]

MerriWeather: I feel your pain. So deeply.

I have been surprised at the number of posters who are in the same boat. Count me in as one of the sailors.

It has taken me many years to get to the place of peace (really!) where I reside now with an L6 daughter who does gymnastics without the proper level of work and commitment.

And, my oh my, I have tried to analyze this over these years: Does she view gym simply as a social place? Is she afraid of trying harder and seeing the same results? Is she in pain? Blah, blah, blah.

Here's where I have come to after eight years. You have two choices: you can continue to support her in this sport for the reasons Gymdog cited (health, fitness, lifelong friendships, learning discipline and organization, etc., etc., etc.). Or you can ask her to step up to the plate/step away from the plate because this is a sport that requires so much of the families of the athletes involved. Both are equally valid.

Thankfully, we have the resources to expend the time and money on this sport and decided a few years ago to embrace Gymdog's philosophy. It has been the best decision ever and gymnastics -- for our hormonal 7th grader -- is the island of consistency, peace and ongoing friendships and amazing mentoring. There are very few podium visits and a number of level repeats.

If you make a decision to let her stay with her gymnastics, here is the absolute best advice I can give you: get the heck out of the gym! Drop and run!

I made the mistake recently of sitting in on a practice because it had been a looooonng time since I had done this. I watched in utter frustration as the gym's 10.0 socializer (DD, 12) hopped around on the tumble track missing her turn while talking to everyone and anyone, while all her teammates cycled around her repeatedly, doing their awesome tumble track skills. I almost ripped the hair out of my head. Then I said something rude to her about it on the way home.

Fortunately I read the Chalk Bucket and so did manage to stifle myself quickly following the one rude remark about tumble track shenanigans. But this was a good reminder "to self" about why it is better to not be in the gym in the first place.

You can't be driven crazy by what you don't see.

 

[beamer]

Just wanted to also point out (since I am struggling to remember how to edit my own dang post) that it was "ac7179" who made the good points about acceptance of the gymnast where she at for the overarching good that gymnastics brings. I thought it was Gymdog (who also made some good points, but not that particular one!) who wrote that.

I think ac7179's point is the most important one to come out of this thread: if you can manage it (time/money-wise), the payoff for keeping a kid in gymnastics -- whether she is a high performer or a low performer -- is huge.

 

[ac7179]

Aw, thanks. No credit needed, just something I've learned as a parent!

 

[raenndrops]

If it makes you feel any better, my YG is a L3 this year after 2 years at old L4. She is 9. At our district Championship meet, there were 22 girls in her age group. They were placing top 12 on all events and All Around (ties were not broken, so every tie added another medal winner). She got 1 medal... on Vault... she placed 10th with only 1 tie ahead of her, so she would have medaled anyways. On bars, she was one of 5 girls that did not get a medal. On beam, she was one of 8 not to medal (of course, she forgot 2 major skills in the excitement of landing her vertical handstand). On Floor, she was one of just 3 mot to medal (she was 13th place). In he All Around, she came in 19th.
She doesn't have the greatest work ethic... and doesn't have as many hours in the gym as most girls. BUT we don't pay nearly as much as you and probably have fewer meets in a season. I am ok if she repeats L3 next year. MAYBE that will be the year that she is able to put it all together in one meet. I am also ok if the coach moves her to L4, provided she gets her kip by the end of August. I would be equally ok (although OG would likely KILL her ) if the coach gives in and lets her compete Xcel Gold with a couple of her friends - even though she would be the youngest on our Xcel Team and our youngest ever Optional. Whatever she ends up doing, I just want her to be able to qualify for YMCA Nationals early so she doesn't stress out over it.

 

[my4buffaloes]

I think you have a good plan - prove to you that she wants it, or she is done when your contract is up. No moving back to rec, just done.

 

[BachFlyer]

As a lifelong type B'er myself, I have to admit that I have a hard time understanding this thread and the expectation that a young person always should have intrinsic motivation, or be goals-driven. Sometimes that's just not who they are. I admittedly struggle to give things 100% all (most) of the time - I am the classic jack-of-all-trades-master-of none. I ran varsity track and was decent but could have been better. Part of it was not really caring too much if people beat me, only that I was showing up and doing what I could. Part of it is also a type of perfectionism like someone else said - if you don't try, you can't fail. My parents never cared and left it 100% up to me and had they pushed, I think it would have made me feel angry and defensive, and backfired even more. I think the best thing they could have done is may help me understand why I am the way I am, and that it was OK to be who I am, that everyone is different. Granted they weren't investing a ton of money and time (and as a single parent of a gymnast I fully understand that massive investment), but there is really not much they could have done to change the fact that I simply move at my own pace.

I have very often suffered inside knowing that I am like this, because our society seems to flat out DESPISE this approach to life. At 36, I finally have come to terms with it and am actually happy with who I am. I would have struggled a lot less mentally as a young person if I had realized then that being just OK with where I was at any given point (even if I knew could be better) was a perfectly fine way to be. I may not have won any championships, I may not be driven to climb the corporate ladder, and I probably won't write that book I wanted to write. But I am a very sensitive person and friends/family have said that I have a calm way of being and listening, and I have patience and truly enjoy doing things at my own pace. I am really good at savoring the road I'm on when, other people speed down it and miss the scenery. I've watched my type-A over achiever father finally realize that his constant stress level is causing him health problems and can't be sustained, and I understand that this lightening-speed, competition driven world we live in can mentally crush people along the way.

My 13 year old gymmie, who competed L9/10 this year (her 5th year of gym) is a constant source of awe for me because she is SO dedicated and So diligent. I think she is amazing, and sure, I even want to be like her sometimes. I've even asked her how she does it! But I would never want her to be like me, not because I am bad, but because she is who she is. My other DD gets obsessed with lots of things for a short period of time and then moves on. There is no changing her. My point is honestly NOT that type-Aers are wrong at all, just that not everyone is like that. Each way of being has it's benefits and challenges.

Maybe your DD will get "only" what she gets from the sport. She may just be having fun and learning life lessons along the way. She may be enjoying the social benefits of it. She may let herself down, or maybe her coaches or maybe you, and she may even learn from that. But she may also look back on her time in gym as a bright spot that was crucial to her learning it is ok to be a person that plods through life "half-arsed" when other people are screeching by.

 

[MILgymFAM]

"I am the classic jack-of-all-trades-master-of none."

This = me. I just wanted to thank you for your insightful post. I feel the same way, and am still coming to terms with myself.

 

[BachFlyer]

I think society sends the message from a young age that you have to strive, strive, strive. Sports expects it, school expects it, a career expects it. And nothing is ever good enough, there is always some thing more.to.do. It is really to feel like you have any gifts, or any "real" success, when you're not a keep-up kind of person.

 

[Kiwi]

Thank you so much for your post, Apache, you have helped me feel a whole lot better about myself. My whole life I have beaten myself up for not achieving as much as I felt like I was supposed to. I really have to learn to be okay with wherever I am.

 

[teksquad]

My suggestion is to let her continue- and let her have a little more time to find her intrinsic motivation. I remember myself at age 10 when I was a competitive swimmer, that I didn't care much about motivation being connected to results- I was just having fun. That changed as I got older. Nobody had to connect the dots for me. (they didn't) Curiously, my motivation to do well in school came around the same time that my swimming motivation did!

The same went for my daughter. (competitive gymnast) At age 10, she mostly just wanted to have fun. By age 11-12, however, she found her motivation. I have noticed the same with other girls on team at her gym. (at age 11-12, they started working harder) They do get that fire in their belly in their own time. Some seem born with it, some get it earlier than others, and some get it later.

I think the fact that your daughter loves the sport is a good sign that she should continue. I betcha next year, you will report back that she found her motivation. (-: