Parents Bad Sportsmanship

[pixie flips]

In my first post I was leaning towards this girl just being a spoiled brat with her mom thinking it cute as a supporting role.

But after your last post, I think there may be more going one here. It reminds me of a girl that was on Pixie's team the season before last and at the beginning of last season. The girl had severe emotional issues that she took medication for.

The girl was a wreck every. single. day. at practice. Constantly crying, stomping her feet, folding her arms, huffing & puffing, yelling a the coaches and other girls and throwing major tantrums. The coaches were at their wits end. I personally observed them attempt every possible avenue with this girl from reward sheets that was inclusive to only her, to rationally talking with her, to hugging her when she cried, to the point that they eventually just ignored her when the outbursts happened (this may have been something agreed upon with parents, I don't know).

Yes, I felt sorry for this girl. And I felt sorry for her parents, too.

I also really felt bad for those coaches and other little girls on that team. The looks on the girls faces, when this girl had her outbursts, was of wide-eyed shock and terror. It wasn't fair that these girls had to be subjected to this night after night after night. It just wasn't. They have enough stress to have to deal with than to take on the stress of an emotional nightmare every night.

She is no longer at the gym. I think the gym told her they couldn't deal with it any more. I'm not 100% certain as that information didn't come from anyone that works there. But, I'm not going to lie. I was happy. For the sake of the little girls on that team.

Having experienced the constant drama that went on there on a daily basis I firmly believe that just because one may have emotional issues does not mean everyone around her should have to bend and shape to conform to her. There comes a point where it's just not fair to all the other little girls.

I'm not saying this is what is happening with the girl in the original post but it reminded me so much of what happened here that I just wanted to post another possibility.

I feel for your daughter and her team mates because I know how this kind of behavior effects everyone on the team. Hopefully this little girl will get the help and support she needs.

 

[Jennemmy]

Our coach doesn't talk to the parents after a meet (good or bad) so maybe they "discipline" her after the fact? I don't know. I do know we have superstars at our gym that get away with lots of stuff at the compulsory level. By the time the girls hit optionals the team mentality really seems to come together. We have lots of girls who head to schools on gymnastic scholarships so I think it is important to the coach when it gets close to that time. She says nothing is more embarrassing than talking to a college and finding out there is bad sportsmanship, bad grades or diva issues that the college has heard about. I am guessing FB and things like it have brought down a few athletic rides.

 

[gymjourneymom]

In my first post I was leaning towards this girl just being a spoiled brat with her mom thinking it cute as a supporting role.

But after this last post, I think there may be more going one here. It reminds me of a girl that was on Pixie's team the season before last and at the beginning of last season. The girl had severe emotional issues that she took medication for.

The girl was a wreck every. single. day. at practice. Constantly crying, stomping her feet, folding her arms, huffing & puffing and throwing major tantrums. The coaches were at their wits end. I personally observed them attempt every possible avenue with this girl from reward sheets that was inclusive to only her, to rationally talking with her, to hugging her when she cried, to the point that they eventually just ignored her when the outbursts happened (this may have been something agreed upon with parents, I don't know).

Yes, I felt sorry for this girl. And I felt sorry for her parents, too.

I also really felt bad for those coaches and other little girls on that team. The looks on the girls faces, when this girl had her outbursts, was of wide-eyed shock and terror. It wasn't fair that these girls had to be subjected to this night after night after night. It just wasn't. They have enough stress to have to deal with than to take on the stress of an emotional nightmare every night.

She is no longer at the gym. I think the gym told her they couldn't deal with it any more. I'm not 100% certain as that information didn't come from anyone that works there. But, I'm not going to lie. I was happy. For the sake of the little girls on that team.

Having experienced the constant drama that went on there on a daily basis I firmly believe that just because one may have emotional issues does not mean everyone around her should have to bend and shape to conform to her. There comes a point where it's just not fair to all the other little girls.

I'm not saying this is what is happening with the girl in the original post but it reminded me so much of what happened here that I just wanted to post another possibility.

I feel for your daughter and her team mates because I know how this kind of behavior effects everyone on the team. Hopefully this little girl will get the help and support she needs.

This is what I'm thinking too Pixie Flips. With so many concessions being made, makes me think there is more to this OP child's situation. Sounds like the gym is creating a gymnastics IEP for her. In education that is an Individualized Learning Plan, used for kids with learning disabities. My DD had a girl with bipolar issues on her team for a couple of years. Yes, it was stressful for ALL to deal with. The girl was a great gymnast, but she had issues(mostly severe mood swings). I give the coaches & her team mates a lot of credit for making allowances for that child. The girls ALL learned a lot about tolerance & mental issues at a young age. My DD learned not to look at people with mental issues as "weird", but as someone who needs her help, patience & friendship more then anyone else!

My DD has developed a level of tolerance for such situations b/c she knows sometimes it's not the person's fault. Everyday was a struggle for that child to gain control over her behavior. Gymnastics was a good way for her to make strides in her personal mental health. So everyone pulled together to help that child succeed! Her teammates learned that by them redirecting her behavior she learned how to 'fit in' with them better. Yes...more life lesson learned from gymnastics! A lesson in "tolerance" that many of us learned from...coaches, gymnasts & parents!!!

Without knowing that child's diagnosis we all would have just thought she was a "brat"...that is why I hesitate to label the child the in the OP a "brat"...I learned "tolerance" too! Just sayin'....there STILL may be more to the situation of the OP child then we know about. And just to clarify...I'm NOT condoning the behavior of the child in the OP. She still needs to learn acceptable behavior & good manners. And how to deal with stress & pressure appropriately!!! I'm just trying to say we still may not know the whole story. And maybe we shouldn't be so quick to "judge" others sometimes. JMHO.

 

[pixie flips]

Sounds like our gyms and little girls have experience very similar situations.

Though, luckily, yours seems to have a had a better outcome. The little girl at Pixie's gym never gained control of her behavior. Not once. And seemingly exacerbated this girls condition with the stress that gymnastics entails.

Pixie also learned a lot from having to be in that environment. Though, she was always compassionate, that's just who she is, I had weekly conversations with her trying to help a 7/8 yo mind understand mental and emotional illness in her terms. Even with my medical background, it wasn't easy. And thankfully, possibly because of Pixie's kindness and compassion or maybe because she was so much younger and smaller than this girl, she was never the object of the other girl's wrath.

We were never privy to the actual illness/condition. Just that she had one and was taking medication for it. When she had eventually left, the gym seemed to come alive and the other girls appeared to be enjoying themselves more and no longer were walking around on eggshells. I hadn't realized until that point what an impact it had actually had on Pixie.

 

[nettyinpa]

I am chiming in a little late on this one and anything I want to say has pretty much already been said. I really blame the parents for her behavior. In no way, shape or form would that be tolerated by me. How can the mother think it's cute? Seriously? I would've been embarassed by her behavior. It's one thing to get upset with yourself like that, I think everyone's that way to some extent, but to go on for 20 minutes? No way. If I were the coaches I would've let her sit there. No hugs, no nothing, until she could compose herself. That's what I did when my kids were toddlers. They'd throw a tantrum somewhere, I just walked away. Don't acknowledge the behavior, it will stop. They only did it once. Olivia would cry once and a while at award time if she didn't receive any medals or ribbons. But she was always gracious about things, always cheering her teammates on regardless of what she won or didn't win. She's been competing since she was 6. It's always been that way with her. I'm very lucky.

I agree that this poor girl probably has some underlying behavior issues. It's a shame her mom seems so oblivious to it all. I feel sorry for her and would hate to see the future of a promising gymnast be ruined because of it. Maybe a sports psychologist would be a good person to talk to. Maybe your gym could bring one in to talk to the team.

I hope things work out for everyone involved.

 

[gymjourneymom]

Sounds like our gyms and little girls have experience very similar situations.

Though, luckily, yours seems to have a had a better outcome. The little girl at Pixie's gym never gained control of her behavior. Not once. And seemingly exacerbated this girls condition with the stress that gymnastics entails.

Pixie also learned a lot from having to be in that environment. Though, she was always compassionate, that's just who she is, I had weekly conversations with her trying to help a 7/8 yo mind understand mental and emotional illness in her terms. Even with my medical background, it wasn't easy. And thankfully, possibly because of Pixie's kindness and compassion or maybe because she was so much younger and smaller than this girl, she was never the object of the other girl's wrath.

We were never privy to the actual illness/condition. Just that she had one and was taking medication for it. When she had eventually left, the gym seemed to come alive and the other girls appeared to be enjoying themselves more and no longer were walking around on eggshells. I hadn't realized until that point what an impact it had actually had on Pixie.

The girl at our gym was a little older around 11 or 12yrs old and was only there a couple of years. I think she had done a lot of gym hopping before she got to us. That's why her & her family were so open about her issues, b/c of how she had been "viewed" at prior gyms. Gyms where people didn't know the true nature of her behavior, she was just viewed as a "brat". They wanted to get it all out in the open when they came to our gym. It did help us to be more accepting & willing to help her when we all knew the true situation at hand. But I'm not going to lie to you, it wasn't all peaches & cream. It was stressful to deal with her at times, for everyone. That is why I give the girls & the coaches some much credit for dealing with her & her issues. She finally got an injury & had trouble coming back from that. It was all just too much for her & she quit the sport entirely. The gym is a much calmer place now that she's gone. But it was learning experience for ALL involved. And it did lead my DD & I to have a lot of deep conversations about tolerance of all kinds. Going to get my commercial for the sport in here yet again! I don't care what level a child does in this sport rec., prep, JO, elite...they will learn soooo much about themselves & life that doesn't even really have anything to do with the sport!

 

[cathiann]

This is not the only thing that is done out of the ordinary for this child. Everyday at the end of practice she has an evaluation sheet that her mother made and she gets stickers on this sheet if she had good form and tried hard and didn't talk or cry, etc. This isn't done for ANY other child in the gym of any level.

When you add it all up you get a child who is only happy when she is winning or being rewarded and if someone is only in gymnastics for medals they are in this sport for the wrong reasons. The in class stuff I just ignore because as long as it doesn't lessen my daughter's training, it's not a big deal to me... but when it starts to affect my daughter and people's perception of our gym because she is being a bad sport, that frustrates me.

Totally agree with this! This gymnasts sounds like she has problems dealing with disappointment and needs to be taught different ways of handling it--her mom's view that it's cute is really not helping her!

 

[lilgymmie7]

I'm learning that many mental "issues" that adults have are now being traced back to thier childhood. What I'm saying is some kids are just brats with parents that don't displine them properly. But some kids have undiagnosised mental issues and people just think they are brats until they grow up & still act that way. Then as adults a diagnosis is made of anxiety disorder or bipolar or what have you.
.

I had to respond to this point made about the OP's situation with the little girl at her DD's gym. If the child is not just a little'stinker' with parents who think their little darling is just being cute when she has her temper tantrums, then perhaps she could be a child with deeper emotional problems. However, speaking as a mom with a 12 yo DS who has been diagnosed with anxiety and medicated since he was 7, having anxiety or any other emotional disorder does not excuse poor behavior.
My DS has undergone regular weekly/monthly treatment for his anxiety since he was 7 yo. Never do we allow him to misbehave or have melt downs just because. He like any other child may have had a melt down when he was younger, but he was always forced to face the consequences. I don't think that holding your fingers to your ears however is such a melt down. Many children are truly just brats because mommy and daddy lack the parenting skills to reprimand their children in such a way that shows them poor behavior of any way will just not be tolerated. I don't think being bipolar, having anxiety, or any other emotional/mental disorder gives an okay to the child to behave this way.
I don't think the op I quoted meant this either. I just wanted to add this. Having a diagnosis of anxiety for my son at a young age has allowed us to understand that stress is a real heavy issue for him. However, equipping him with coping mechanisms now as a child will ensure that he grows up to be an adult ready to take on the many stresses of life. I posted because I do not want any one getting the impression that an emotional disorder puts an okay label on misbehavior even for a little bit. I also have to say that my DS has always been involved in wrestling and football, and other than having a coach who used to get in my son's face at football and yell at him and the other kids faces, sports was his place to shine. He never had meltdowns at his practices. He did have an anxiety attack before practice twice due to that same coach yelling at him in his face. Because of this, we are always upfront with teachers and coaches about his anxiety and ADD.
I hope the op's DD can enjoy her gym experiences. I also hope that the little "stinker" has someone to equip her with life long skills of how to relate with other people effectively before she alienates those around her. If not at that point, those around her may find themselves with even larger issues.

 

[gymnut1]

Well said. I do think this is a very important point. There may be an explanation for poor behaviour but there still is no excuse. It still should be dealt with kindly and firmly, not ignored and definitely not pandered to.

 

[coachinkal]

Last year when my DS (then 8yo) with ADHD did not place at the regionals he was crying. No fingers in the ears thankfully, but he was very disappointed in himself.

Straight after competition he broke down in full on tears. I gave him lots of cuddles but then while he was still upset we had a really big talk.

Prior to him being medicated and now to a lesser degree he still has some problems understanding how his behaviour can be perceived by others and how his behaviour can effect others. The only way to help him understand is to explain it to him.

What I am trying to explain is that even if he had of put his fingers in his ears he would not have done so with an understanding of how this would be perceived by others. For him it would have been a spontaneous decision caused by lack of self esteem, and with no prethought. This does not however excuse the behaviour, it is still rude, but it would need to be explained why it is rude.

It sounds like this girl may have some emotional problems. Sounds like the tick chart should also have some boxes for good sportsmanship and behaviour. If the mother does not explain to the child that sticking fingers in ears is bad sportmanship/rude then the coach may have no alternative but to step in and explain to the child. Hopefully this will avoid this happening again because it is not a good look for the club at competition.

 

[lilgymmie7]

I wanted to offer an update on the last post. Today my DS had a wrestling meet and he had a bit of a disappointment. The officials of the meet placed him in a bracket well beyond his means. He currently weighs 83lbs and is 12 yo. Well they placed this kid with 13-14 yo 91 lbs. He didn't want to go in at first but he did. Well, he got his butt whooped in the first match. HOWEVER, through all of his lessons about what a GOOD sportman does, after the match he shook the hand of his opponent and the opponent's coaches and then he walked off the mat.
It wasn't until he got to us his parents that he melted a bit. He said he couldn't do it and he wanted to go home. Kid even took one of his shoes off until Dad intervened and told him if he leaves he can forget about his football game. Drastic I know but this kid wouldn't dream about letting his football team down. Well a small talk later with my son and he realized he would be okay and this day is a life learning experience.
He ended up winning his second match by a land slide and he pinned the high schooler! He did loose the third to the same guy he wrestled with in his first match. The day ended with his realization that with faith and determination he can do his best even when he doesn't win. This is a life lesson that ALL kids can stand to learn. DS was ready to quit and that would have been very poor sportsmanship, but with our intervention he ended the day quite nicely and gained MANY great compliments by other wrestlers and coaches who credited him with having tremendous tenacity. Wrestling like gymnastics is such an emotional, mental sport.

 

[3rd_time_around]

So I am just wondering what other parents would do, if anything, in a situation like we have with one of our teammates.

I am not the only parent who is bothered by this and several of the parents are considering going to the coaches as it just seems rude. Her mother thinks it's "cute" so there will obviously be no intervention there. Do you think we're overreacting?

ugh! Cute? Barf! At 8 years old, that is very babyish behavior. We have 8 yr olds at our gym that are so mature for their age, it's hard to imagine any of them acting like that.
Good luck, I can only imagine having to deal with this. We did have a crier one year, who cried when she didn't medal. It was always attributed to her being "tired," LOL!

 

[SamIam]

Sharks- So what happened to the child here? Still there? Still a winner? Medicated? Educated? How or was this addressed any further by coaches or parents?

 

[emandelsmom]

I am the mom of 2 girls. Both are gymnasts. My older daughter has ADHD-inattentive type with impulsiveness. She is on medication. It helps a lot. We have been through lots of ups and downs. She is a perfectionist. She has placed at meets from the highest to the lowest. She is not allowed to act out. I don't care if you are first or last place. You will sit with your team. You will clap for team mates. You will accept whatever place you get with a smile and salute. No bad faces. Each meet is a learning experience and a great chance to practice grace. No excuses. Tears of disappointment are allowed later and only for a minute and then move forward. Plan your next steps. What do you need to do to place higher or improve skills? Analyze it and make a plan. This is how we handle things.
The behavior of being a sore loser would quickly stop my children from being on a team sport.

 

[NGL780309]

Well obviously the child is not acting appropriately, but I don't really think it would be my place to say something. It's not my kid. If my child were upset about it or mentioned it I would just explain to her that it's not how we act. I also don't feel like it's a parent's job to say anything to the coach. If the coach or that child's parent isn't smart enough to see a problem, I don't think pointing it out will do any good.

So I am just wondering what other parents would do, if anything, in a situation like we have with one of our teammates.

This child is 8 years old and a L5 and is a winner. She's a tremendous gymnast who was the state champion last year for her age group and routinely wins 1st place at meets in the AA and individual events. This is a contrast to no less than 15 of her teammates who have never even gotten higher than 2nd AA. My point here is she's had her fair share of success.

This weekend she had her only bad event so far of the season falling twice on beam. She sat sobbing on the floor at the meet for about 20 minutes and all of the coaches on the floor had to take time to come and calm her down. This to me was annoying as there were over 20 girls in the session but we're used to this and just kind of ignored it.

She went on to have a decent meet winning 2 events so you'd think she'd be happy. So we head to awards and she doesn't even sit with the team. Not too huge a deal but they usually all sit together. Then when they start to announce the beam results where she fell she proceeds to put her fingers in her ears so she wouldn't have to hear the winners. Now mind you 3 of her teammates medaled on this event... did she clap, nope... fingers in the ears the whole time.

Last year she had one bad meet and did the same thing only for the entire awards session so this isn't a first time thing.

I am not the only parent who is bothered by this and several of the parents are considering going to the coaches as it just seems rude. Her mother thinks it's "cute" so there will obviously be no intervention there. Do you think we're overreacting?

 

[NGL780309]

My first impression when I read your post was that this girl is not trying to be a bad sport or negate her teammates' success so much as she is incredibly hard on herself and cannot face the fact that she won't always be perfect. I think she needs some help learning how to handle her own failures rather than being berated for not applauding others' triumphs. I think addressing one will bring about the other.

I completely agree. I was thinking the same thing. Everyone assumes she is just being nasty, but I was thinking she's just so upset with herself and probably doesn't even realize what it looks like to other people. She is a child afterall.

 

[Empowered]

Here is the update for you SamIAm:

The child really hasn't changed at all after being talked to about this. She is still in tears at the gym on almost a daily basis. Not only that but she has taken to bullying the other girls. She told at least 3 of her teammates in the weeks before Zones/States that they "sucked" and she was better than them. One of them was my daughter who has a great sense of humor. She laughed and told her, "my brothers say I suck all the time too". I asked my daughter if she told the coach and she said, "No I am not a tattletale."

This girl fell at Zones and she literally cried through the rest of the beam routine. Sobbing while doing beam... And she dismounts and gets endless hugs from the coach. And she still got a high 8 with the fall because she really is a good gymnast.

I would get the comforting if A, this was an uncommon occurence but her tears are so frequent it's alarming... and B if all the girls got the same treatment.

Another girl had a tough floor routine and it cost her qualifying for States. When her score of a 7.850 came up she started crying and another girl tried to hug her and the coach told the girl... No, get away from her. Then looked at the girl who was crying and said, "No tears or get off the competition floor."

The venue was so small that we were less than 10 feet away while this was happening so I didn't just hear about it, I saw it as did the girl's parent. She was livid to say the least.

And now we're looking for another gym because holy cow, I can't imagine how cancerous this environment is going to be 3 years from now.

 

[MdGymMom01]

Here is the update for you SamIAm:

The child really hasn't changed at all after being talked to about this. She is still in tears at the gym on almost a daily basis. Not only that but she has taken to bullying the other girls. She told at least 3 of her teammates in the weeks before Zones/States that they "sucked" and she was better than them. One of them was my daughter who has a great sense of humor. She laughed and told her, "my brothers say I suck all the time too". I asked my daughter if she told the coach and she said, "No I am not a tattletale."

This girl fell at Zones and she literally cried through the rest of the beam routine. Sobbing while doing beam... And she dismounts and gets endless hugs from the coach. And she still got a high 8 with the fall because she really is a good gymnast.

I would get the comforting if A, this was an uncommon occurence but her tears are so frequent it's alarming... and B if all the girls got the same treatment.

Another girl had a tough floor routine and it cost her qualifying for States. When her score of a 7.850 came up she started crying and another girl tried to hug her and the coach told the girl... No, get away from her. Then looked at the girl who was crying and said, "No tears or get off the competition floor."

The venue was so small that we were less than 10 feet away while this was happening so I didn't just hear about it, I saw it as did the girl's parent. She was livid to say the least.

And now we're looking for another gym because holy cow, I can't imagine how cancerous this environment is going to be 3 years from now.

I am so glad that you are trying out your dd at another gym. You are so right in that this type of behavior is VERY cancerous. And ANY type of bullying is completely unacceptable and should not be tolerated. It is best that you get away from this environment and get your dd away from this bully. Now that I have heard more of her behaviour, I do not agree that she is "just hard on herself and a perfectionist". My first impression still stands in that this girl is a spoiled brat (and now a bully) who will grow up to be a spoiled bullying adult.

 

[ThaBigCheese]

I'm not sure I would be very tough on the young girl, but I would take the time to explain sportsmanship if I were the parent or the coach. We do have to remember that this is a young girl who just had an experience that she was not used to being in.

I thought that I would have to deal with a similar situation a few weeks back. My DD was in the South State meet and has been the AA Champ in all of her qualifiers this year. She knew that she didn't have her best day but still was able to take the silver. It was very close, but I was concerned because it was a new experience for her, but I didn't need to be. I could see some disappointment in her face when she didn't get the gold, but she was very happy to get the silver and daddy was pround.

I saw so many tears that weekend as girls didn't qualify for states. I even saw a gymnast who placed 6th in her group in tears because she didn't get on the podium. She was a pleasure to watch, but wasn't in our district for qualifiers so it was my first chance to see her. A phenominal gymnast, who I will enjoy watching at state. My point is, when you are used to always winning, when you don't win, it's tough and unfamiliar territory. So don't be too hard on the girl. It takes practice to learn to with humility, and it also takes some practice when you don't win to have composure.

 

[ThaBigCheese]

Here is the update for you SamIAm:

The child really hasn't changed at all after being talked to about this. She is still in tears at the gym on almost a daily basis. Not only that but she has taken to bullying the other girls. She told at least 3 of her teammates in the weeks before Zones/States that they "sucked" and she was better than them. One of them was my daughter who has a great sense of humor. She laughed and told her, "my brothers say I suck all the time too". I asked my daughter if she told the coach and she said, "No I am not a tattletale."

This girl fell at Zones and she literally cried through the rest of the beam routine. Sobbing while doing beam... And she dismounts and gets endless hugs from the coach. And she still got a high 8 with the fall because she really is a good gymnast.

I would get the comforting if A, this was an uncommon occurence but her tears are so frequent it's alarming... and B if all the girls got the same treatment.

Another girl had a tough floor routine and it cost her qualifying for States. When her score of a 7.850 came up she started crying and another girl tried to hug her and the coach told the girl... No, get away from her. Then looked at the girl who was crying and said, "No tears or get off the competition floor."

The venue was so small that we were less than 10 feet away while this was happening so I didn't just hear about it, I saw it as did the girl's parent. She was livid to say the least.

And now we're looking for another gym because holy cow, I can't imagine how cancerous this environment is going to be 3 years from now.

I hadn't read this before my eariler response. But in this situation you have to place a lot of the blame on the coaching staff and then on the parents. Clearly, she is receiving preferential treatment and you can bet the other girls are sitting up and taking notice.

Good luck on your search for the perfect gym for your daughter! I would use those situations as learning points for my daughter.