Parents Blatant Favoritism

[NC_GymMom23]

Will she for sure be moving up next year? Does she have the mobility score and/or does she have the requirements your gym has to move up next year? Did everyone in the upgrade group qualify to state? What you've described so far sounds normal but maybe we just don't have all the information. At any rate, I think a non-confrontational conversation with the coach is warranted for you to learn more.

Every girl qualified for state. She will likely be ready to move up next year but has said to me (not to her coach) that she would like to repeat and have a better year next year and more time to clean up skills for the next level. However, she can't clean up those new skills if she isn't allowed to work on them and that is where I am confused and frustrated. They all scored very similar all season so this isn't about these 2 having lower scores. These 2 have learned a couple of the new skills but with another coach that filled in which shows me that they are ready to learn them and clean them up but the head coach is treating them like the low men on the totem pole and not letting them have that opportunity.

 

[NC_GymMom23]

Just want to clarify to make sure I am understanding. She is working in the skills and routines that she will need for state at the end of the month?
Will the girls who are up training be performing their new skills at state at the end of the month or they are up training skills for next year?

She is working on skills in routines she is competing at state. The others are uptraining new skills needed to move to the next level, they are not competing them at state. They all had similar scores all season so this isn't about her having the lowest scores which is why I am confused.

 

[BusyMomof2]

Agree this is common before state - if your kiddo needs a bit more targeted practice on her routines, that should tell you the coaches are paying attention. I know it isn't fun to miss out on upgrades but they won't do your gymnast any good right now anyway. I think it's odd they are just now addressing it though.

That said - yes, favoritism exists. I've seen it at both gyms we have been at. I think favoring the talented kiddos might be one thing but also coaches favor the girls whose parents stay out of the gym, girls who easily take corrections, the girls who are always hard workers, etc.

We also have split practice groups at practice and there is sometimes hurt feelings over this. The more advanced 7s will practice with the 8s and the less advanced 7s stay together. There is a handful of 7s that float between the two groups, one being my daughter. She knows now that her placement in the following practice has everything to do with the practice prior. Did she fall off the beam multiple times? Did she make it through her customized drill plan (each girl has their own based on needs). Did she chitchat too much? etc etc.

 

[NutterButter]

What level is your DD right now? I can see why you are frustrated but since much of what you are describing is normal it's hard to say if it's favoritism. I suggest asking for a meeting with the coach. Does your gym do any sort of end of season evaluation/conference?

 

[GymDadWA]

Since the level and the skill were not mentioned in general please keep in mind that:

Scores are not an indication of a gymnasts ability to do higher level skills.

Willingness to work hard and try things are also not an indication that they are ready for said skills.

The coaches have to determine if the gymnast has the physical and mental capability to do those skills safely. Trying a skill before the gymnast is ready is an easy way to give a gymnast a future mental block.

 

[txgymfan]

I think your feelings about the gym are so strong that I think your family should leave the gym either immediately or the day after her state meet.

It is very possible that the favoritism is blatant in which case the gym is not a good fit. Even more importantly, you as a parent do not trust the gym and your daughter’s mental and physical health are in their hands almost every day. If you don’t trust them, nothing anyone says on an anonymous online forum can or will make a difference.

You clearly want validation, here is your validation. Based on what you wrote, there may be favoritism and it’s likely to continue. I don’t know why you are considering staying there.

 

[bookworm]

What level are we talking about here? and how old is the gymnast?

I agree with Nutter Butter that I don't see this as blatant favoritism....from the posts it seems like some skills needed work so the coaches are targeting those skills. Maybe the mom hasn't seen this type of coaching but the description seems pretty normal to me.

And I also agree with txgymfan that your feelings against this gym ("I'm fuming every time I watch practice") are so strong, it may be a good move to change gyms because it seems like you aren't on board with the coaching ("don't tell me to trust the coaches") and you seem unhappy with their methods.

 

[NC_GymMom23]

So it's normal when the team is performing pretty similarly across the board for 2 girls to be separated and not allowed to uptrain while the rest are uptraining? They are all working toward potentially moving to the next level all want to work on the skills needed for that level so why segregate 2 girls for no apparent reason. They are all qualified for state and going to state and all need work in different areas but only 2 are being forced to only work routines and no upgrades. Gold.

 

[NC_GymMom23]

What level are we talking about here? and how old is the gymnast?

I agree with Nutter Butter that I don't see this as blatant favoritism....from the posts it seems like some skills needed work so the coaches are targeting those skills. Maybe the mom hasn't seen this type of coaching but the description seems pretty normal to me.

And I also agree with txgymfan that your feelings against this gym ("I'm fuming every time I watch practice") are so strong, it may be a good move to change gyms because it seems like you aren't on board with the coaching ("don't tell me to trust the coaches") and you seem unhappy with their methods.

The reason I said "don't tell me to trust the coaches" is because it seems like that is the go to response when anyone asks questions about how their girl is being trained or treated in the gym and that response is NOT helpful. I have always trusted her coaches but the last half of this year something has shifted and I am trying to understand it and see if others have experienced this scenario.

 

[Lobster]

So it's normal when the team is performing pretty similarly across the board for 2 girls to be separated and not allowed to uptrain while the rest are uptraining? They are all working toward potentially moving to the next level all want to work on the skills needed for that level so why segregate 2 girls for no apparent reason. They are all qualified for state and going to state and all need work in different areas but only 2 are being forced to only work routines and no upgrades. Gold.

Yes, that has been my experience as a gym mom to a daughter who did 7 years of level 10 and is now in the NCAA.

Each gymnast has different needs. Without being her coach the most obvious reason is they don’t feel she is ready to do upgrades. It’s impossible to know the reason so you should ask.

I have no idea what gold skills or what upgrades she is missing out on working, but a random example would be all gymnasts have kips, but 2 girls aren’t ready to work KCHS because of fundamental issues with the kip that you aren’t aware of.

From a parent’s view all the girls have kips so why are they being excluded?

It could also be that they don’t plan for these 2 girls to move up like the rest so the coach feels the best use of their time is preparing for the meet not working upgrades. Not moving up a level isn’t always reflected in scores at meets. It’s the ability and work ethic to advance.

You really should communicate with coach. It’s the only way to know.

 

[HurricaneLR]

The reason I said "don't tell me to trust the coaches" is because it seems like that is the go to response when anyone asks questions about how their girl is being trained or treated in the gym and that response is NOT helpful. I have always trusted her coaches but the last half of this year something has shifted and I am trying to understand it and see if others have experienced this scenario.

Yeah, sometimes the coaches aren't perfect, and there are favorites. And both parents and gymnasts can see it. When it comes to uptraining, it seems like they may have already made decisions on who they think will move up, and they are not training the other girls to do that. I agree you should ask the coaches (in a nice way that doesn't make them defensive) and see why. The odds are they have a good reason, but what if they don't? This happened to my child. They didn't train her to move up because she was a first year at her level, and they just assumed they wouldn't move her. Well, the other girls on the team actually taught her the skills she needed, and she surprised the coaches when she had all the skills to move. It should not have happened that way. And she's been the most consistent on the team at her new level this season. I think they assumed another year at her level would boost her confidence - (even though she made regionals and made the podium at regionals) - but it actually would have crushed her, because it made her think they didn't believe in her. I have no idea what is happening in your situation, but it may be something like that. Or, it could just be that your daughter is lacking perfection in certain skills that the coaches feel she needs to uptrain. Anyway, your feelings are certainly valid, and you should certainly have a conversation with the coaches. Otherwise, you are going to have a negative feeling every time you walk in that gym. It's just hard to balance that conversation, because you don't want to come across as not trusting them - it's more for your understanding of the process and how they approach uptraining and move-ups. Then you make decisions based on their answers. Hope that helps.

 

[NutterButter]

Skill readiness looks different to a parent than a coach - especially to parents that may not have many years experience in the sport. @Lobster gave a good example with readiness for skills that progress out of a kip, even if everyone has a kip and may appear 'equal' to a parent. Do all the kids on your DD's team compete the same routine and skills? If they are competing different skills you may be making an apples to oranges comparison. Also, if the kids are moving up to platinum next year, depending on the gym and what is competed in platinum, this could mean a big jump in skills and it would not be surprising that some in the group may not be ready to advance. (gold to platinum has more variability than say moving from bronze to silver).

My DD was not the 'favorite' with one of her event coaches. At times this caused her much grief and confusion. The favoritism however looked much different than what you describe. It was more personal such as the coach giving high fives to another teammate and no acknowledgement to my DD. It was the coach never commenting when the favorite slacked off in conditioning but doing with opposite with my DD. It was the coach rolling her eyes at my DD. My DD in her 10+ year career in club gymnastics did experience the uptraining gatekeeping you describe but that in itself was not favoritism....it was just that she wasn't ready (and other times she was on the other end and got to uptrain while others didn't).

You have received consistent feedback here that the lack of uptraining is not necessarily an indicator of favoritism and is most likely an indication that something is deficient in her readiness. The only way to know for sure is to ask the coach.

 

[pt coach]

I can't weigh in on whether your coaches are engaging in favoritism, but I can give an example from my own coaching that might give some insight as to why some gymnasts are permitted to upgrades before state and others are not. We have state meet for level 6 this weekend. On Monday the level 6s had a beam assignment to complete that involved completing certain tasks. Some in the group completed the assignment with time to spare, while others did not. Those who completed the assignment had some time for upgrades. Others took the entire rotation to complete the assignment and had no time for upgrades.

To an observer, it might appear that certain kids were given the opportunity to do upgrades while others were prohibited from doing so. However, this was not based on who I think is moving up after season - it was solely based on who completed the assignment with time to spare for upgrades.

 

[NC_GymMom23]

Yeah, sometimes the coaches aren't perfect, and there are favorites. And both parents and gymnasts can see it. When it comes to uptraining, it seems like they may have already made decisions on who they think will move up, and they are not training the other girls to do that. I agree you should ask the coaches (in a nice way that doesn't make them defensive) and see why. The odds are they have a good reason, but what if they don't? This happened to my child. They didn't train her to move up because she was a first year at her level, and they just assumed they wouldn't move her. Well, the other girls on the team actually taught her the skills she needed, and she surprised the coaches when she had all the skills to move. It should not have happened that way. And she's been the most consistent on the team at her new level this season. I think they assumed another year at her level would boost her confidence - (even though she made regionals and made the podium at regionals) - but it actually would have crushed her, because it made her think they didn't believe in her. I have no idea what is happening in your situation, but it may be something like that. Or, it could just be that your daughter is lacking perfection in certain skills that the coaches feel she needs to uptrain. Anyway, your feelings are certainly valid, and you should certainly have a conversation with the coaches. Otherwise, you are going to have a negative feeling every time you walk in that gym. It's just hard to balance that conversation, because you don't want to come across as not trusting them - it's more for your understanding of the process and how they approach uptraining and move-ups. Then you make decisions based on their answers. Hope that helps.

This does sound very similar to our situation. My girl does want to repeat this level next year and build her confidence and clean up her skills more before moving up. HOWEVER, she still wants to learn new things. We didn't do compulsory because she thrives on learning new skills and would have been bored out of her mind. Her coach has always been the type of coach to push the 2nd years in each level to add new skills to their routines and continuously learn new skills throughout the year and especially at the end of the season so not allowing them to work upgrades because he assumes they will stay on this level is just not how he usually operates which is why I am so confused and she is as well. I think one example is bars which has always been her strongest event. She has taken deductions all season with the 1/4 turn tap dismount because she doesn't always turn when she is close to horizontal. This has been an issue with some other girls as well and they have learned their flyaway and scored well after changing the dismount. My girl wants to learn her flyaway so badly but has only gotten to work on it at one practice and in my opinion she was already super close to having it but needs the coach to spot her on the high bar as she has only done it in to the pit. She would even be happy just working on it into the pit more but hasn't even had the opportunity to do that, and she has asked several times.

 

[NC_GymMom23]

I can't weigh in on whether your coaches are engaging in favoritism, but I can give an example from my own coaching that might give some insight as to why some gymnasts are permitted to upgrades before state and others are not. We have state meet for level 6 this weekend. On Monday the level 6s had a beam assignment to complete that involved completing certain tasks. Some in the group completed the assignment with time to spare, while others did not. Those who completed the assignment had some time for upgrades. Others took the entire rotation to complete the assignment and had no time for upgrades.

To an observer, it might appear that certain kids were given the opportunity to do upgrades while others were prohibited from doing so. However, this was not based on who I think is moving up after season - it was solely based on who completed the assignment with time to spare for upgrades.

Her coach does this as well but when that is the case she knows it and doesn't get upset except sometimes with herself when she is just having an off day and can't hit her routines consistently. The situation I am talking about is the team is split into 2 groups because it is a big group of several different levels. Normally both groups work the same drills/routines/upgrades but lately the other group has done upgrades while in my daughter's group she and the other girl at her level are not getting to do upgrades while watching all of their teammates at their level in the other group working upgrades. They are starting to feel very excluded and feeling like the coach doesn't care about them and I understand why they are feeling that way after watching a couple of practices.

 

[NC_GymMom23]

Skill readiness looks different to a parent than a coach - especially to parents that may not have many years experience in the sport. @Lobster gave a good example with readiness for skills that progress out of a kip, even if everyone has a kip and may appear 'equal' to a parent. Do all the kids on your DD's team compete the same routine and skills? If they are competing different skills you may be making an apples to oranges comparison. Also, if the kids are moving up to platinum next year, depending on the gym and what is competed in platinum, this could mean a big jump in skills and it would not be surprising that some in the group may not be ready to advance. (gold to platinum has more variability than say moving from bronze to silver).

My DD was not the 'favorite' with one of her event coaches. At times this caused her much grief and confusion. The favoritism however looked much different than what you describe. It was more personal such as the coach giving high fives to another teammate and no acknowledgement to my DD. It was the coach never commenting when the favorite slacked off in conditioning but doing with opposite with my DD. It was the coach rolling her eyes at my DD. My DD in her 10+ year career in club gymnastics did experience the uptraining gatekeeping you describe but that in itself was not favoritism....it was just that she wasn't ready (and other times she was on the other end and got to uptrain while others didn't).

You have received consistent feedback here that the lack of uptraining is not necessarily an indicator of favoritism and is most likely an indication that something is deficient in her readiness. The only way to know for sure is to ask the coach.

Some of the things you described have also happened to my daughter. The high fiving and celebrating other gymnasts for example when they finally nail their routine. She finally nailed her beam routine at their last meet and was so pumped but he barely acknowledged it which really hurt her feelings after she has busted her butt all season on that stupid routine and finally nailed it. Also the favorites slacking off has always been an issue and at times my daughter who does her conditioning and is often one of the first to finish because she isn't slacking off, is often questioned on whether or not she actually did all of the conditioning. I have sat and watched her do all of it while her teammates sit in a circle and gossip and then she is questioned and accused of rushing through or not doing all of the reps. The favorites cut the line to get more turns, slack on things they don't want to do, etc and they are never called out on it. The lack of uptraining is just the latest concern.

 

[Lurker]

Some of the things you described have also happened to my daughter. The high fiving and celebrating other gymnasts for example when they finally nail their routine. She finally nailed her beam routine at their last meet and was so pumped but he barely acknowledged it which really hurt her feelings after she has busted her butt all season on that stupid routine and finally nailed it. Also the favorites slacking off has always been an issue and at times my daughter who does her conditioning and is often one of the first to finish because she isn't slacking off, is often questioned on whether or not she actually did all of the conditioning. I have sat and watched her do all of it while her teammates sit in a circle and gossip and then she is questioned and accused of rushing through or not doing all of the reps. The favorites cut the line to get more turns, slack on things they don't want to do, etc and they are never called out on it. The lack of uptraining is just the latest concern.

I think this is so difficult to convey in a forum like this. We have to try to remember that coaches are people too and I struggle with this also. My DD is shy and I sometimes feel that her coach has trouble relating to her and does engage with the others more, but I think it's because my DD doesn't give the same reaction as the other girls. I do think the competition setting is a big problem especially if your daughter feels negatively about that. We have not experienced that.

 

[XcelGirl]

Remember that your dd will uptrain after state/regionals!!!!! If she doesn't uptrain, then be concerned! For now, watch how your dd scores really high at state! i agree with some of the other chalkbucketers: just because you think she's ready doesn't mean the coach thinks she's ready! (This is for the uptraining thing, talk to your coach about how you feel with the acknowledgment)

 

[Carly]

I'm not sure if it is favoritism or not because it's hard to get all the info on the situation without being there to see what is happening. What is the split of girls in the training groups and what levels are they? Is your dd and the other girl the only ones in their level in that group? Maybe the coaches are planning for both of them to repeat next year so they will benefit now from working current skills until the state meet.
If you really feel that she is not getting good or encouraging coaching, immediately after states is the best time to do gym shopping.