Women Coach taking out a grudge on a kid

[cbone]

A gymnast I know recently moved from one gym to another. The girl is a talent and moved to a gym with superior coaching. Each time this gymnast sees her old HC, she runs up to her and enthusiastically tries to give her old coach a hug. She is met with a viscious coldness and eye-rolling. My first instinct is to think about what a mean person the old HC is. Then I thought, maybe there are legitimate reasons why the coach is being so standoffish. Are there legitimate reasons to not show any affection to one of your ex-gymnasts who has moved on or is this purely unacceptable?

 

[gymgal]

Given that the move was the parents' decision, the coach really shouldn't have ill will toward the girl, unless the girl is talking negatively about the old gym. However, it most certainly creates awkward moments, for coaches and former teammates alike.

 

[Deleted member D3987]

yep, that ^^^. you don't take out on the child the sins of the parent. 1st rule of teaching and probably life in general. and i'll make a safe bet that the coach is young and a male?

 

[cbone]

Swing and a miss, dunno! Female and about 40- that number seems much younger to me than it once did, but I'm not sure if that qualifies as "young" to you here.

 

[Deleted member D3987]

wow! i'm surprised. i sincerely am.

 

[ellabella]

That is so sad! I can say that we have left a gym and not under great circumstances, feelings were hurt etc. When we see DD's old coaches at meets they love on her and congratulate her. One of her coaches even sends me a text before meets to tell her good luck. Fine people that I miss very much!

 

[Danica76]

I don't have any experience with this personally, but if I were the parents of that child, all that would do is cement the notion that moving gyms was an excellent choice! I understand that there are hurt feelings, etc., but there is no mature, logical reason to make that child feel bad for leaving the program.

 

[wandrewsjr]

wow! i'm surprised. i sincerely am.

I, too, am surprised when I see a female coach old enough to have children behave this way, but I have seen it. Trying my best to see the coaches perspective, I would say when "her" gymnast left for another program, the message she chose to hear was "you are not good enough, we need someone better". Coaches are human, and can get too wrapped up in their gym kids, getting their emotions and egos overly invested in them. I would guess she is someone who doesn't like to show emotion or weakness, but that her feeling were hurt, so instead she chooses to display annoyance to disguise her true feelings. BUT the coaches are the adults, and should be able to keep themsleves from stooping to this sort of display. Some people just take a little longer to grow up.

 

[coachmolly]

Does it happen? Absolutely! Would I treat a former athlete of mine in such a way? I certainly hope not! All kinds of things contribute to a kid leaving a gym and there can definitely be hurt feelings, but coaches should desire the best for their athletes, even if that means losing a spectacular kid to another coach/program. Coaches are human, but this woman could at least fake it for the kid who clearly loves her and is grateful for the influence she's had. Being a great coach is about so much more than a technical ability to teach skills or spot effectively, people skills play a big role as well, and it's unfortunate that some coaches seem to ignore that component altogether.
I'm an emotional person and I become very invested in the kids I coach, so when they leave or opt to work with a different coach, it hurts, but you just need to learn not to take it too personally, learn from the experience, and move on.
I left a gym as a 14 year old athlete and had it reported back to me that one of the coaches (who did not even coach me directly) had been talking with other coaches (one of which was one of my peers) about how no other gym I went to could possibly do anything for me because I was just too fat. It still eats at me that this woman (also a mother) is still coaching children. I can only hope she's mellowed at least slightly in the last 10ish years.

 

[maddiemei]

We left one gym and went to another. We competed at a meet and the old gym was there. My daughter beat 2 of her old team mates. After the meet my daughter said hi to her old coach. She actually really liked him, it was his wife (and booster club) that was the problem. He ignored her. We know he heard her because he was looking right at her and turned around after she said hello. My husband chased him down and told him that she was a little girl and he shouldn't have taken it out on her. We've only seen them at one other meet and he made a special note to say hello to her.
I think some coaches take things a little personally and for some it might just be their personality.

 

[mimi]

That makes me sad for the child. We left one gym for another about 3 months ago, and our old gym owners have been class acts, very gracious and understanding. Of course, we were between coaches (again), which is why we left the gym, so if we had had a regular coach who was still there and felt slighted, it could've been a different story. One would hope that adults would behave better especially to the children, but some people are still really immature, no matter how old they are.

 

[Maitland]

We've left two gyms. One was because of a move...so no hard feelings there and the coaches are all very nice about it on the rare occasion that we see them. One coach still texts my daughter. Second gym we left was under very bad circumstances with the owner actually behaving like a 2 year old and many parents leaving because of her behavior. But thankfully the coaches are adults and treat the kids very nice at meets. The owner, however, continues to act like a nutjob (she is a crazy gym mom on steroids...lol)

 

[marie83]

(she is a crazy gym mom on steroids...lol)

Oh dear a whole new breed!

 

[Deleted member D3987]

hey there, Marie83, how's your new gym working out for all of you there?

 

[cbone]

I was really hoping that someone would say, "There's an unwritten gymnastics rule that you don't show too much affection to a former student because it shows disrespect to the new coach." or something like that. It sounds like the concensus is that it's just bad behavior (like I suspected). Thanks, everyone, for your insight.

I've said it before (and was BLASTED for it), but people need to be honest with themselves in this sport. Some gymmies will never achieve high podium results because they lack talent. Some don't have the motivation. Some don't want gym to be that big of a part of their lives. They should embrace who they are and enjoy what gym can bring to them rather than focussing on placement. Focusing on what you don't have the capacity to achieve causes drama (usually from parents- myself included, though I think I've gotten better).

The same goes for gym owners. Some gyms simply don't have the technical level of coaching to take gymnasts to championship levels or even to become optional gymnasts. The gym that this gymnast came from is one of those. I think the HC hasn't realized what her gym is (or should be). A gym can be successful by focussing on its rec program and developing students to the point where they are ready for more technical coaching (i.e. have a team that focusses on getting it's gymnasts to Level 4 or 5) and then passing them on to coaches with the skills they lack. This particular gym is very fun for the kids, but if a gymnast wants to be competetive, it is simply not the place to be. If this coach were honest with herself, she'd see that she helped mold a prodigious talent and has passed her development to a coach that can take her to the next level before that coach will eventually wave to pass her on, too. There should be great joy in that.

As a volleyball coach, nothing makes me happier than seeing one of my kids move onto a travelling club team. I taught them what I could and now they're ready for the next step. I wish this coach would think like that. It's heartbreaking to see a child shunned.

(For the record, the gymnast is not my child, but is one of my daughter's friends.)

 

[Flipomaniak]

That is so horrible! When I see my old coach it's always, "Hello sweetheart! How are you doing?" when I was hurt she would ask what happened and say that she hated to see me hurt. The head coach is another story. He won't even make eye contact when I rarely see him.

 

[marie83]

hey there, Marie83, how's your new gym working out for all of you there?

Hi!
Its going really well! we are fast outgrowing our 'new' facility already though! We are currently having an extension built so we are all up in the air at the moment - no toilets or running water, but hopefully it'll be ready soon!
The gymnasts are all improving too so we're really pleased! Just about to post a question as we've got to the stage where I'm teaching skills for the first time in a long time and I want to make sure I get it right!
Thanks for asking!

 

[coachmolly]

My brother was a high level swimmer and worked with a real jerk of a coach for many years. He was a great coach, very unconventional, but knew what made his kids "tick" even if it meant being very harsh. My brother left his program for a new one when the pair just didn't work out anymore and after returning from college took a job coaching. This former coach, not known for his warm and fuzzy ways, and who had seen my brother switch to a different program that got all the credit for his development as a swimmer, was so impressed with my brother's coaching skills that he invited him to come coach with him, entrusting him with a fledgling program to build from the ground up. I think that's a true example of the relationship coaches should have with their athletes (not to say his coaching methodology was without error), one where they understand if they need to part ways but still looking out for their best interests and not holding a silly grudge.
Not every coach works for every kid, even the best coaches are not going to be the perfect fit for every talented athlete out there.

 

[bookworm]

When we left our original gym 6 yrs ago, the 2 main coaches were horrible about it...said terrible things to my daughter and continued to behave poorly when we saw them at meets. One has since softened a bit and is at least polite in public (God only knows what she says about me behind my back) but the HC is still rude and nasty (so much so that other coaches have commented on it)....totally validates our leaving

 

[Kiwi]

Sounds like the coach has a bruised ego and doesn't know how to handle it in a mature way.