Parents Crying at Meets...

[ollieblueeyes]

Thanks for your thoughts....

Thanks for your thoughts on this! Its nice to see that DD is not the only one! Both my husband and I come from a chin up, 'give you something to cry about' upbringing, so she really has thrown me for a loop. She and I talked last night and this its starts at disappointment and then embarrassment/frustration. She's a sweet kid who just 'wants to do sooo good'. I gave her a few of your ideas to help her get her mind off stuff while in the moment. Hopefully it will help.

 

[aussiebug]

My DD cries whenever she's nervous. She's also really shy. We''ve never had tears at a competition, but she's only competed in rec, this year is her first as a ndp. Bit more pressure will probably induce the tears.

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[LizzieLac]

I think some people are just wired this way (not a politcal discussion, but look at John Boehner).

My DD is a bit of a crier too - when frustrated and feels she has let herself down - she is 12. Coaches don't like emotion in general, especially on the meet floor. She has been working on it, but for those that it is part of how they are wired (vs. maturity) it takes a loooong time as they need to learn coping techniques. To say "stop crying" just doesn't work. She is mature and focused, but simply an emotional person. I am too, but years of "practice" has helped me control it.

If anyone has techniques for coping, that would be most helpful. Thanks!

I

 

[ollieblueeyes]

I think some people are just wired this way (not a politcal discussion, but look at John Boehner).

My DD is a bit of a crier too - when frustrated and feels she has let herself down - she is 12. Coaches don't like emotion in general, especially on the meet floor. She has been working on it, but for those that it is part of how they are wired (vs. maturity) it takes a loooong time as they need to learn coping techniques. To say "stop crying" just doesn't work. She is mature and focused, but simply an emotional person. I am too, but years of "practice" has helped me control it.

If anyone has techniques for coping, that would be most helpful. Thanks!

I

I mixed up several things other's mentioned and told DD to 1. Try to focus on cheering on the next girls 2. Picture mom or dad trying to do gymnastics 3. Imagine pigs doing gymnastics.

 

[bogwoppit]

"Imagine the judges doing gymnastics naked" has always been a useful tool for diversion therapy. Shudder.

 

[Deleted member D3987]

or me with underwear on my head at a meet. bwhahahahahaha...lol Bog.

 

[Natalia]

Why are we so uncomfortable with a child manifesting emotions through tears?

Do we just wish they wouldn't cry so that we may be spared from our own embarrassement ?Tears release stress hormones,it's part of a coping process,it's just the outer manifestation of that process.

Collapsing in a puddle of goo because you messed up is counter productive,but tears happen.

Please,I truly want to understand .Are tears a manifestation of emotional weakness in a sport that has no tolerance for it?Is it the emotional weakness we want to eliminate or its manifestation.

If a child does not cry,puts on a brave face while thinking what a horrid looser she is,what a disappointment she must be,how the ground should swallow her whole...but she does not cry...is that O.K

What about the child that cries ,wipes away the tears and moves on?Her parents and coaches are appalled by the tears,but the inner process of the child is far healthier?

Everybody cries sometimes,sniff,sniff:bawling:

 

[sglemon]

Why are we so uncomfortable with a child manifesting emotions through tears?

Do we just wish they wouldn't cry so that we may be spared from our own embarrassement ?Tears release stress hormones,it's part of a coping process,it's just the outer manifestation of that process.

Collapsing in a puddle of goo because you messed up is counter productive,but tears happen.

Please,I truly want to understand .Are tears a manifestation of emotional weakness in a sport that has no tolerance for it?Is it the emotional weakness we want to eliminate or its manifestation.

If a child does not cry,puts on a brave face while thinking what a horrid looser she is,what a disappointment she must be,how the ground should swallow her whole...but she does not cry...is that O.K

What about the child that cries ,wipes away the tears and moves on?Her parents and coaches are appalled by the tears,but the inner process of the child is far healthier?

Everybody cries sometimes,sniff,sniff:bawling:

I agree, but when the tears of a teammate, or our own child takes coaching attention away from the others, it is not fair, dangerous and somewhat disrespectful. A few years we had a young girl join our team, she would be a crying mess at Ll of our practices. One of our coaches was distracted with her and walked away from the bars, which she was coaching. As she was away from the bars with the crying child, another little girl feel off the bars and on her head.

It is normal for some to cry, mine does when she is scared. But she knows to wipe them, and move on, because when the day comes she can't, it will be the day to move on from gymnastics.

 

[bogwoppit]

For me a few tears, or a watery eye are not a big deal. But sobbing, head in hands, shuddering or wailing are just too much. I have seen some serious histrionics at meets (from the coaches kid no less) and frankly I found it painful to watch and you could tell the team mates were all taken aback by it. This happened for years and even the parents and judges knew it was going to happen.

Learning control in a public situation is an important life skill for us all. So our kids are all different and we as parents work through their foibles with them so they can be a part of society. Unless we want them to live under a rock, or on the edge of society it is part of parenting and helping them grow.

I guess for me it is game face and it is a part of life. By the way I would say two of my kids are prone to crying easily, they are who they are. The other was born with game face.

Some kids are just more sensitive, but that doesn't mean we want them crying uncontrollably at meets. We all know that they would rather not either, so the bigger question is how to help them manage their emotions so that they can enjoy their meets and cope with the stresses. They are not bad they just need tools to work with.

 

[cbifoja]

Why are we so uncomfortable with a child manifesting emotions through tears?

I'm not against crying totally. I just think it is important to learn when it is and isn't okay to cry.

Do we just wish they wouldn't cry so that we may be spared from our own embarrassement ?Tears release stress hormones,it's part of a coping process,it's just the outer manifestation of that process.

It embarrasses me anytime my daughter doesn't show control in public. I'm just as embarrassed by crying in public as I would be running around screaming and pulling things off shelves. I'd be just as embarrassed if she started using inappropriate language or if she asked an adult their age or weight. I have certain expectations for her behavior and when she falls short, it is embarrassing. I feel my expectations are reasonable but I will admit that courtesy and respect for your superiors is a very important value to me.

Collapsing in a puddle of goo because you messed up is counter productive,but tears happen.

Please,I truly want to understand .Are tears a manifestation of emotional weakness in a sport that has no tolerance for it?Is it the emotional weakness we want to eliminate or its manifestation.

Nothing to do with this sport or that sport or really any sport. It's an across the board situation for me. If you are in public, you keep a brave face. If I had broken down sobbing every time my dad was shipped overseas or we had to leave my friends for the third new school in a year then I'd have spent most of my childhood crying.

If a child does not cry,puts on a brave face while thinking what a horrid looser she is,what a disappointment she must be,how the ground should swallow her whole...but she does not cry...is that O.K

What about the child that cries ,wipes away the tears and moves on?Her parents and coaches are appalled by the tears,but the inner process of the child is far healthier?

Everybody cries sometimes,sniff,sniff:bawling:

Of course no one wants their child to have low self esteem and just because parents don't approve of public crying doesn't mean that the feelings of loss, disappointment, anger, frustration, etc., aren't addressed in private. Like I said, once we hit the mudroom in my house, she can melt into a Bella-shaped puddle of goo! But not until she's in the house!

I don't guess I agree with your assessment that tears equal more emotional health. I feel very emotionally healthy. I'm just not a crier. I could argue that it is just as emotionally healthy to teach a child to do something constructive with the emotions. Why isn't it just as valuable to learn to talk through the hurt or learning another coping skill? I don't consider tears to be the healthiest response necessarily.

 

[Gymmommy71]

Actually, I just remembered that there was a lot of crying in the gymnastics at last year's Olympics...so even the best athletes of the sport have a tendency to break down when disappointed. Is that different because it's the Olympics vs. one of the meets that our girls go to?

 

[Jen H.]

Actually, I just remembered that there was a lot of crying in the gymnastics at last year's Olympics...so even the best athletes of the sport have a tendency to break down when disappointed. Is that different because it's the Olympics vs. one of the meets that our girls go to?

I would say so, there is much more at stake for an Olympian than my (then) 8 yo level 5 is supposed to be having fun, even while competing.

 

[Kiwi]

I think there are different kinds of crying. Even as an adult there are times I find it impossible not to cry, even while trying to hold onto my self-control. To me there is a big difference between a few quiet tears and a tantrum or loud sobbing fit. My DD is very sensitive and cries quite easily, but in general it doesn't last long, then she picks herself up and moves on. In general she has good 'game face' at competitions. It is possible her eyes might have watered a little the time she fell off the beam, but if she did it wasn't noticeable. I've seen some of the top gymnasts in our gym crying in frustration during training, but they do it silently and certainly don't want any attention.

I agree with Bogwoppit that we need to try to teach kids good coping skills. I would encourage them to try to hold it in at the time, and let them have a good cry afterwards in private. If they can't manage that then at least wait until they are back on the side and try to do it quietly and discreetly. There are mental techniques they could learn to help them calm down if they get upset during a competition, I would prefer this approach rather than just ordering them not to cry.

 

[Natalia]

I'm not against crying totally. I just think it is important to learn when it is and isn't okay to cry.



It embarrasses me anytime my daughter doesn't show control in public. I'm just as embarrassed by crying in public as I would be running around screaming and pulling things off shelves. I'd be just as embarrassed if she started using inappropriate language or if she asked an adult their age or weight. I have certain expectations for her behavior and when she falls short, it is embarrassing. I feel my expectations are reasonable but I will admit that courtesy and respect for your superiors is a very important value to me.



Nothing to do with this sport or that sport or really any sport. It's an across the board situation for me. If you are in public, you keep a brave face. If I had broken down sobbing every time my dad was shipped overseas or we had to leave my friends for the third new school in a year then I'd have spent most of my childhood crying.



Of course no one wants their child to have low self esteem and just because parents don't approve of public crying doesn't mean that the feelings of loss, disappointment, anger, frustration, etc., aren't addressed in private. Like I said, once we hit the mudroom in my house, she can melt into a Bella-shaped puddle of goo! But not until she's in the house!

I don't guess I agree with your assessment that tears equal more emotional health. I feel very emotionally healthy. I'm just not a crier. I could argue that it is just as emotionally healthy to teach a child to do something constructive with the emotions. Why isn't it just as valuable to learn to talk through the hurt or learning another coping skill? I don't consider tears to be the healthiest response necessarily.

You actually make a lot of sense.

I suppose if a child can stop themselves from crying they have controlled their emotions by redirecting their thoughts .I would hazard to say that this is the essence of cognitive therapy:I think differently thereby feel differently thereby act differently.

If a child can master that skill at 8,they're way ahead of the pack.

You have indeed helped me understand.But I'm not throwing away the Kleenex box just yet.