WAG Crying...

[Hayleigh]

I never used to be much of a cryer in the gym. But over the last couple of years I've been diagnosed with back problems, and I'm still struggling nearly a year on with ligament problems in my ankle. Due to these injuries I've been a bit more emotional in the gym. Partly because I am what my coach calls the perfectionist of the group, which means I don't really stop when I might need to causing further pain occasionally, as I find it hard to know how my pain I should be in with certain skills with these injuries.

But my coach is really good about it, as she knows my background and understands how stressed I am and how much pressure I put on myself. Due to these factors my coach doesn't mind a few tears as long as I tell her what's wrong and we came to the agreement that I can leave the floor when I'm getting a bit tightly wound which is becoming more rare now, and calm down before coming in and having a chat with her.

 

[LucyTRA]

I'm a massive crier, and no stranger to crying in training.

I've cried out of frustration more times than I can count. I cried when one of my girls was told that she couldn't compete because she was wearing a headscarf. (I cried a bit more when we managed to get them to change their minds) I cried when I was taking my level one (and level 2, come to think about it...) coaching courses. I've cried over feeling or looking stupid, being embarassed, and being unable to do something. I cried at my last competition (much to my embarassment) after falling on the second skill in the routine, knowing that this would mean I'd come dead last, with my former coach and boyfriend watching. I was dissapointed in myself, and acutely aware that I'd spectacularly screwed up a very easy skill in front of a couple of hundred people.

I didn't cry when I fractured my vertabra. I didn't cry when I disloated my shoulder for the first (or the 20th) time. I didn't cry when I landed on my face and had a not-s0-beautiful squares pattern on it for the next week or two.

I cry because I care. If a coach were to be anything but supportive about that, I think I'd be walking from that situation pretty fast. When the kids that I coach cry, I'm supportive. I'm there for hugs if that's what they want, or I give them time to gather themselves alone. I would never punish a child for crying. And if a kid is crying ALL the time, I would want to check that they still loved the sport and wanted to be there, but I dont think it necessarily means that they don't love it. It certainly doesnt for me, and I'm an adult.

I know a coach who has her kids do 50 push ups if they cry at a competition. I don't get it. But I guess it works for some kids and parents...

 

[cbifoja]

I do find it interesting that we expect 7 year old gymnasts not to cry out of frustration or whatnot in the gym, but don't expect it of the kids on baseball/soccer/etc... teams.

Put it in perspective. Are you building an Olympian? Likely not. The statistics just don't add up. You're building an adult human who needs to relate to other adults and children and who will raise your grandchildren and be productive members of society. I'd much rather DD's gymnastics coach teach her how to appropriately manage and deal with her emotions than to teach her to deny they exist.

To be clear, my views have nothing to do with gymnastics specifically. If DD was a tennis player, a pianist, a cross country runner.....whatever....I would still raiser her the same way. If she wanted to be a great coder, gamer, hunter, etc., my views wouldn't change.

I believe that I am teaching DD how to deal with her emotions. I don't equate emotional control with denying that she feels. I don't even think there is anything wrong with having strong feelings. To me, it's just a matter of controlling them so they don't control you.

I guess at my very basic being, overly emotional people make me uncomfortable. I had a misunderstanding with a woman from another team and we were talking on the phone, trying to figure out how to overcome our disagreement and understand one another. This woman starts CRYING on the phone....talking to someone she barely knew. I was rather embarrassed for her because she couldn't even engage in a simple conversation without crying. To me, that wasn't a sign of "managing and dealing with her emotions" but rather being controlled by her emotions.

I was working the other day (at the gym) and there was a rec class on beam. They were playing some game or other and one little girl got "out". She immediately dissolved into tears, began pouting, telling the instructor that she wasn't going to be out and kept trying to crawl back on the beam. To me, that is ridiculous. Is this child allowed to win every game at home? So she can't even handle not winning a silly beam game? Ugh. I just wouldn't like it if that were my kid.

 

[1canadiangymmom]

we're not telling them NOT to cry. we try to explain to them that crying is a waste of energy and won't fix whatever is ailing them. that they must learn other coping mechanisms to deal with ALL the dysfunctional and frustrating stuff that they have to deal with.

if they didn't learn this, you'd see everyone on TV crying ALL the time. then we'd look like figure skating. hahahahaha. okay all you skaters...that's a joke.

Now this would be the perfect way to deal with crying at gym IMO. Kids need things explained to them sometimes, getting yelled at or kicked out (and I am not talking about just to go pull yourself together) does absolutely nothing to help them deal.

 

[dreamergymnast]

Well, the only only time I cried was when I did horrible at my first state competition. That, and I didn't have a change of clothes, so I was stuck in a leo and warmups (and we were 4 hours away from home.) I was also exhausted. I never cried otherwise, but I'm also older than most gymmies (the ones in the thread are 7-9) so it would be different. And that was after the meet, once we got in the car i started crying. Yeah, you can cry sometimes, but really crying from a 9.9 on vault because it's not a 10? I'm not trying to criticize whoever's child that was, but 9.9 is a great score! I never got anywhere into the 9.0 range on vault. Rarely high 8s. I don't like vault, and at every meet I'm never disappointed when I don't place on vault because I'm used to it.

 

[BachFlyer]

You're building an adult human who needs to relate to other adults and children and who will raise your grandchildren and be productive members of society. I'd much rather DD's gymnastics coach teach her how to appropriately manage and deal with her emotions than to teach her to deny they exist.

I completely agree. This is coming from a parent of a child the almost never, ever cries. I think that it is unhealthy for her, and I am trying to teach her that it is ok to express how she feels. Sometimes you need to let it out in order to get through it, you can only stuff down for so long before you break. This does in NO WAY equate to wanting or suggesting that people should for every little slight. But if someone does tend to be more emotional than the next person, so what? Who decided what the rules are for life? I see my role as a parent to help my kids figure out how to be true to themselves and find balance to get through life. Sometimes feeling the emotion is the only way to understand the emotion. I cry over commercials, but don't cry much when I'm truly sad (I actually get angry). I cry when embarrassed or frustrated, but not when I don't get a promotion or what I want. Some people cry happy tears, I don't. For me, tears are a release and I can't move on until I get them out of my system. I feel like emotions are there to teach us who we are. We are blessed with feelings for a reason, because they are a part of being human...all of them.

But I don't say anything because I want her to learn to take care of these kinds of things and to have thick skin. She is going to have to deal with plenty of mean people. She's got to know how to handle them and mean people don't respect tears.

Personally, I don't give a hoot what mean people think. If if someone else is mean, or doesn't understand that all people are unique and have different emotional responses, I don't respect them.

Everyone is entitled to their opinion, just sharing mine!

 

[Flyaway]

I have four girls, so I know a little bit about crying. Ha!

There is a massive difference between the leaking tears and sniffles of frustration and the drop on the floor hysteria of, well, hysteria. Both are unsafe in the gym of course, but IMO should be handled differently. I think it is a wise coach who recognizes the difference and deals accordingly. As with most things in life, I think flat forbidding a certain behavior is an exercise in futility.

 

[Deleted member D3987]

OMG, 4 girls...elopement is the first thing that comes to mind...

 

[Flyaway]

Dunno, don't think we haven't discussed it! Or a convent...

 

[Deleted member D3987]

hahahahahahahahahaha

 

[headoverheels]

I have one who really hates to cry, probably because she thinks it makes her look weak. She will hold the tears until she's out of gym, then fall apart when it's just the two of us. I guess I should feel good that she knows I'm a "safe place". But more to the point, I wouldn't be comfortable at a gym that punished a kid for crying.

 

[Committed]

I, also, have a crier (7yo). She's been yelled at and reprimanded for it. She's emotional, empathetic, sensitive, perfectionistic, and very accident prone (e.g., gets hurt a lot). She can be a hot mess sometimes.

I think one of the best lessons she's learned at gym is technique to control her emotions. She certainly didn't like getting yelled at, but she was also taken aside and given strategies to pull herself together before completely falling apart.

One of my favorite gymnastic phrases from DD came a few months ago, "Mommy, I think Coach is right. I AM wasting my energy on my tears!" ----- in response to rope climbs. Now, rope is her favorite!

 

[gymjunkie]

My thoughts...

Crying is a behavior, not an emotion. Emotions are not necessarily something you can control, but the behavior of crying can be controlled. Since crying negatively affects all of the athletes near the crier, it's not appropriate in the gym or at a meet. In those environments, the crying behavior needs to be controlled!

When I get a crier, I start to change that behavior by having absolutely no reaction to the tears. I quietly tell them to go to the restroom to compose themselves and to come tell me what is wrong only when they have the tears under control. It's amazing how quickly a crier becomes a non-crier when there is no sympathetic reaction from the coach! When the same child comes out of the restroom and tells me the problem without the tears, I help them. After a few events like this, the crier suddenly starts communicating fears, pain, frustration, etc. with words - not with tears. Now I can help them! I can't help them when they are sobbing.

I have no problem when a truly injured kid cries (ie: broken arm, bad sprain), but even in those cases, I teach them to take deep breaths instead of crying. I would never say "stop crying" to a kid who is hurt. Instead I would calmly tell them that I need them to look at me and breathe like I am breathing (then I model the breathing). When they see that their coach understands that they are hurt and is not freaking out over the injury, they start to calm down. When they start to breathe deeply, they calm down more. After a kid has been with me for a while they instantly breathe, not cry when they are truly hurt. This makes it so much easier to assess the injury.

I don't put up with crying over rips, beam burns, sore muscles, etc. Just like the big injuries, I don't actually tell them to stop crying. I just tell them to compose themselves before they show me their rip or other minor injury. I won't even look at it until the tears have stopped and they are speaking in a normal voice. Kids can learn to cope with those minor injuries without crying, and it behooves them to do so if they are going to pursue gymnastics or anything else in life that is challenging!

 

[dani4]

This is an interesting discussion for me. My kids are too little to cry in gymnastics. Well that's not exactly true, each week there always seems to be one kid in the group who is crying about something for some reason- but for a group of 3-5 year olds that is to be expected. It's just usually not related to gymnastics.. not exactly. So far neither of my kids has been that kid.

My older daughter (5) is very sensitive and cries a lot at home, but almost never in front of other kids. She is very socially motivated, and she cares a lot about keeping the group happy and positive. She's the party starter. I hope that this continues.. it's so painful to cry in front of teachers, coaches, and peers. I know because I was a sensitive kid growing up and I was one of those kids who cried whenever I felt shame, which was often. The more I knew crying was unacceptable the more I cried. All the way through college. Not to say that I cried every day, but when the pressure mounted the tears flowed. This was a bit dysfunctional because there were times when crying definitely got in the way of performing my best- on exams, in front of teachers, in front of peers, in sports. But the solution was *not* telling me to suck it up- that just made me avoid those situations that would make me cry. As an adult, I've learned that I cried because I did not really understand my emotions and felt overwhelmed by them. I think if I had been treated with more sensitivity I actually would have cried less. Ironically, people yelling at me and shaming me for crying (including my parents) made me cry more. I was an emotional invalid who cried too much- that is really pathetic!

So yes, put me in the camp that will not tolerate having my kids shamed for crying. I do think that telling them to take a breather and come back when they can talk about the problem is a good way to deal with it in gym- I'm not saying that we should tell the kids to let the tears flow. And I also don't tolerate crying over "sour grapes"- my daughter lost it when she lost to me in chutes & ladders, and then begged me to play with her again. I told her that I understand how sad she felt because she wanted to win, but that it's not fun to play with her if she's going to cry over losing. So she had to promise that she would try to control herself next time. I really don't know if I did the right thing, but she has to know that games are supposed to be *fun* and it's not a bloodsport.

 

[Flossyduck]

I think there is a findamental difference between a gymnast crying for attention eg in conditioning, or a minor fall or because they are scared of a skill and a gymnasts crying in frustration and 'shame' for not being able to do something.

In the first type - crying for attention, I see that ignoring them or making them go and calm down or telling them that it's not acceptable and won't be tolerated would be effective, as they don't get the attention they seek.

In the second, they desperately don't want anyone to know they are crying, they are not seeking attention. They don't want to be crying and feel silly for doing it and they are already trying to compose themselves without anyone noticing. In that showing that you've noticed and telling them to calm down or stop is counter-productive and will only result in more tears as the girl is ashamed that her tears have been spotted and that she is being pulled up on it.

I think dani4 that's what you're referring to?

I think that's where my dd's coach may have got this right. She knows my dd is tough and not an attention seeker, so she sees tears, she tends to ignore them and she will have a chat after the session or at the end of the rotation about not letting it get to her and moving on. Well played.

I think it's damaging to treat them all as a form of attention seeking and something you can shame or shock them out of. More likely that the second kind of girl will feel humiliated by her coach and after enough of that will want to quit.

 

[gymjunkie]

Flossyduck, the "second kind of girl" is what we are trying to achieve -- the kid who composes themselves and does not to bring down the rest of the group with their tears. More importantly they communicate their frustration with words. Some kids come like that, others have to be taught how to do it.

 

[Flossyduck]

I see that some people are. My comment is based on reading everyone's comments along the thread.

But I also see that some people will not tolerate crying of any kind, for whatever reason - both some coaches and also it would seem some parents.

I personally feel that for the girl who is trying not to cry and is not seeking attention; who is attempting to compose herself and hoping it won't be noticed, to have it picked up on and made an example of anyway must be humiliating and unhelpful.

I don't know, I'm not a coach or a gymnast and this is not an issue I am particularly concerned about, just curious. I just happen to feel that there are different kinds of gymnasts who deal with things in different ways. From what I have observed, even international elite gymnasts cry sometimes. Whilst trying to nip any attention seeking in the bud is a good thing I think trying to eliminate tears of any kind from the gym seems extreme.

 

[Iwannabemargo]

I have been thinking about this.

I don't think I have ever seen anyone in the new gym crying in training, now the old gym, that was another matter.......

 

[Jenny]

I personally feel that for the girl who is trying not to cry and is not seeking attention; who is attempting to compose herself and hoping it won't be noticed, to have it picked up on and made an example of anyway must be humiliating and unhelpful.

While the child is crying and trying so hard not to, they are not focussed safely on their gymnastics (which is a big part of a coaches role). Their mind is elsewhere with their internal battle with their frustration and tears. This could be dangerous to them and is also very distracting to other kids. It really does affect the other kids around them. It doesn't matter how hard they try to hide it all the others will know they are crying. I always have a quiet word in their ear and send them for a quick drink, take a deep breath, not to worry and have another go when they come back. Try and keep it light and positive.

I wouldn't want them to be made an example of. But I wouldn't want it happening a lot for their sake. I would try very hard to help them find a way to deal with it. Having a 'crier' in the group can be very divisive and can really affect the way they are perceived by the others. Better to have them compose themselves out of the way and come back with a smile. A quiet chat at the end about it seems like a good idea too.

 

[Jenny]

I have been thinking about this.

I don't think I have ever seen anyone in the new gym crying in training, now the old gym, that was another matter.......

We don't have crying either really- just if someone gets hurt. Of course the little ones shed a tear when they split the beam it is only natural.