WAG Crying...

[cbifoja]

I would yank my kid from a gym with a "no cry" policy. No wonder we're raising a generation of emotional invalids. Crying is a natural response to stress, fear, anger, hurt, and any number of things.

You see a generation of emotional invalids, I see a generation of survivors who don't wilt at the smallest disappointment.

Personally, I am SO over the Princess Polly and Prince Pimperton method of child-rearing. I don't treat my kid like a fragile daffodil who will wilt if someone chastises her. Of course it is hard to watch someone else reprimand your kid. It bothers me frequently when her coach says some things to her. It really bothers me when she says mean things to her. I ache for her. But I don't say anything because I want her to learn to take care of these kinds of things and to have thick skin. She is going to have to deal with plenty of mean people. She's got to know how to handle them and mean people don't respect tears.

Life is hard as hell and I am trying to raise an adult who can fight back when life knocks her down, not one that is going to start crying because she's upset about something.

 

[MILgymFAM]

Meh. You can cry, and then you can fight. I know our life, as a military family, is filled with amazing amounts of change and uncertainty. Occasionally the rug is pulled from under me and I have a good solid cry before I pull myself together and get on with the mandated adapt and overcome. Having a release, even if it's crying, is not weakness- it's healthy.

 

[gasrgoose]

For those in the absolute no crying camp, please watch the gymnastike video I previously mentioned. Just watch the first minute and a half. Mary Lee's record speaks for itself as does Aria's (12 year old junior international elite). Crying is not the end of the world and there are ways to work through it without saying DO NOT CRY.

 

[Ali'sMom]

Having a release, even if it's crying, is not weakness- it's healthy.

Many times, when the rug gets pulled from me, I feel like I'm going to just fall apart... a 2 minute cry does wonders. Not on purpose, but I'm really one of those people who has a hard time stopping myself. I cry when I'm overly frustrated, I cry when all the stress is over, etc . But, let me tell you, once that cry is over, watch out, I'm ready to fight!

 

[cbifoja]

LOL....I'm just the opposite, Ali's Mom. I recently suffered an emotional loss and tried and tried to make myself cry. I was under a lot of personal and professional stress and then had the emotional loss and really felt like that was enough to make me cry. I probably looked ridiculous trying to make myself cry! Just couldn't do it. I guess my tears glands have shrunk!

 

[Ali'sMom]

LOL....I'm just the opposite, Ali's Mom. I recently suffered an emotional loss and tried and tried to make myself cry. I was under a lot of personal and professional stress and then had the emotional loss and really felt like that was enough to make me cry. I probably looked ridiculous trying to make myself cry! Just couldn't do it. I guess my tears glands have shrunk!

You know what, it's whatever works for you There's no manual somewhere that says you HAVE to cry!

Funny thing is, when something is REALLY big, I fight first.
My brother had a stroke two years ago, and I had to be the strong one on the phone with the doctors (he lived out of state) because my mom was beside herself. I can't tell you how many doctors I spoke to, how many times I made my mom laugh while she and dad drove overnight, and while she was at the hospital with him. 48 hours... it wasn't until she called to tell me that they turned off his life support that I cried. And still, I didn't do it on the phone with her, I was strong for her. Somewhere in my brain I have a switch that decides on its own fight or flight.
I'm currently helping DD work on the fight vs flight.

 

[Deleted member D3987]

it's all part of growing up, and at certain times of adulthood. but in gymnastics, they have to find a better way to cope with what's going on or risk the chance of 'dehydration' if their crying is all the time. lol

 

[RisingGymnast]

From a gymnasts perspective, I think its the pressure and desire to be perfect. My first year in gymnastics I cried a few times (twice I think) in the gym. Most of it had to do with out stress (school) and then the build up of a bad practice.

My first competition season (age 14-15), I wasn't a crier but I was in tears quite often. I would fall off beam 4 or 5 times and go sit with my teammates feeling very anxious and upset. Beam was the only event that I got really upset over. At my first state meet, I sobbed after the meet (before awards) because I was really disappointed in myself. I fell on a backwards roll (I kid you not) on floor and on my handstand on beam. After that, I landed both my vaults on my knees. I had never competed before (I grew up playing rec softball) or at least at that level. I wasn't used to competition, but looking back on it I can't believe I cried.

Since then, I've learned to just deal with the scores given. As for practice, I don't cry really. I've built up a pain tolerance so I will rarely cry if I get hurt. Frustration, I will get teary but I never really let them fall. It's always the pressure I put on myself that causes me to break though. I think my coaches have always been very good to me, very understanding. I did have girls who would cry in the locker rooms instead of out in the open, which I think is fine.

 

[twinmomma]

Wait a second. I never said it was acceptable to "wilt at the smallest disappointment." The "emotional invalid" remark is about teaching kids that expression of their emotions is unacceptable. HUGE difference, and if you can't see that, therein lies the problem.

 

[SurpriseGymMom]

I think there's a time and place... I also think there's a big difference between getting sooo frustrated and having a moment of tearing up AND controlling it and soldiering on vs breaking down into sobs every time something doesn't suit them. Coaches can generally tell the difference and we learn rather quickly whether some kids have a tendency to be in the latter camp or not. If someone is genuinely hurt, or getting frustrated with themselves and trying to control it, I don't think badly of that at all. In the case of frustration, I sometimes do ask the younger ones to take a moment, go have a drink of water, sit for a minute and collect themselves and then come rejoin the practice. For older ones, I would tell them what I tell my own 10yo: suck it up buttercup. Control it and get back to what it is you need to do, crying won't help.
Extreme disappointment.... Keep it together on the floor/in the gym. I'll be here for you later in private. I was so proud of my gymmie at sectionals this year. She had a slight injury (pulled quad) that didn't make it her best meet ever, and she was the only one on her team that didn't make it to states this year. She smiled and congratulated everyone else, genuinely. You could tell she was upset, but she held it together and showed great sportsmanship. As soon as we got to the car, over an hour later, she completely broke down and was just sobbing, big, heart wrenching, body racking sobs... But she controlled it in the gym and afterwards (days later) everyone commented on what a great teammate and gymnast she was. She was 9 at the time.

 

[cassafrass]

I think crying can be unsportmanslike. For example, once my DD cried because she didn't score a 9 then she went on to win AA. I'm sure there were plenty of girls who would have loved her score. One of her teammates cried after scoring a 9.9 on vault because it wasn't a 10.00. Absolutely ridiculous!!!

 

[gothgymmom]

I have seen alot of the older girls cry over missing a skill or trick, no sympathy from coaches though. Its like the coaches dont even see it. Some of the younger girls (my dd included) cry during warm down sessions specially wallsits or vsits or anything dealing with keeping legs in the air lol. no one gets yelled at at my gym for crying, but there is also no sympathy either.

 

[Flossyduck]

SGM I think we're on a similar wavelength on this. I agree time and place.

I would not be happy if dd cried at a comp and she had a very similar experience to your dd at one - she had a really bad day but smiled and clapped while her team mates took gold, silver and bronze, did the march out and a cheery bye bye and crumpled in sobs once we were in the car. She was 8 and disappointed in herself, but didn't want her team mates to think she wasn't pleased for them. I'm fine with that.

I also think dd's coach appreciates that she only ever cries when very frustrated, never audibly or uncontrolled and it's because she is so driven and can be hard on herself - but it's rare and she moves on quick. I respect that her coach allows that but doesn't pander to it. I'd worry if she was audibly sobbing or crying regularly or for other reasons.

It's interesting to hear the different opinions. I just wonder what it is about gymnastics which makes crying an issue. My kids are involved in other sport where crying isn't frowned on in the same way and no-one bats an eyelid.

 

[twinmomma]

I do find it interesting that we expect 7 year old gymnasts not to cry out of frustration or whatnot in the gym, but don't expect it of the kids on baseball/soccer/etc... teams. My son is the same age as my daughter and ALL the boys had moments during little league this year where they cried from striking out or missing a catch or whatever. My son IS a crier. And we teach him to pull it together to move on, but we don't discourage the emotional reaction, simply encourage and teach how to pull it together. One time he was so upset at himself his coach benched him for half the inning - not to punish him, but to give him the opportunity to pull it together.

I agree, no crying at meets or over scores or anything like that. But crying is part of dealing with disappointment and frustration, and gymnasts are pushed SO hard, harder than in other sports. Sure, no total meltdowns in the gym. That's not safe. But DD's coach is as invested in their emotional development as their physical.

Put it in perspective. Are you building an Olympian? Likely not. The statistics just don't add up. You're building an adult human who needs to relate to other adults and children and who will raise your grandchildren and be productive members of society. I'd much rather DD's gymnastics coach teach her how to appropriately manage and deal with her emotions than to teach her to deny they exist.

 

[coach1234]

At our gym we try to make crying a minimum, not shout at them if they are crying or tell them they mustn't but for example make them feel they are somewhere where they don't have to cry, injuries are different and yes of course you cry when your injured, but if they are crying through frustration then we try to make a way they feel comfortable, for example if they are frustrated they cannot do a skill on the beam a flick for example, take it back a step, put some mats under, put a pad on etc... I don't ever think a child should be shouted at for crying, they are obviously crying for a reason so shouting at them isn't going to make them feel better, I will sit down with my gymnast (that's crying) find out the problem and fix it, if they they feel they need a couple minutes to let it all out, let them take it! If they want support for something give it, if they need to go back a step, let them! We have a club close to us and they are a very shouty club whenever we are there the atmosphere in the gym is completely different to ours! It almost feels the gymnasts are scared if their coaches, I would hate for any of my gymnasts to feel that way!

 

[gasrgoose]

I do find it interesting that we expect 7 year old gymnasts not to cry out of frustration or whatnot in the gym, but don't expect it of the kids on baseball/soccer/etc... teams. My son is the same age as my daughter and ALL the boys had moments during little league this year where they cried from striking out or missing a catch or whatever. My son IS a crier. And we teach him to pull it together to move on, but we don't discourage the emotional reaction, simply encourage and teach how to pull it together. One time he was so upset at himself his coach benched him for half the inning - not to punish him, but to give him the opportunity to pull it together.

I agree, no crying at meets or over scores or anything like that. But crying is part of dealing with disappointment and frustration, and gymnasts are pushed SO hard, harder than in other sports. Sure, no total meltdowns in the gym. That's not safe. But DD's coach is as invested in their emotional development as their physical.

Put it in perspective. Are you building an Olympian? Likely not. The statistics just don't add up. You're building an adult human who needs to relate to other adults and children and who will raise your grandchildren and be productive members of society. I'd much rather DD's gymnastics coach teach her how to appropriately manage and deal with her emotions than to teach her to deny they exist.

And even those who are building Olympians are not teaching no crying is allowed in the gym.

 

[gymdog]

I don't ban crying, but I do tell them it isn't safe to attempt gymnastics in that state and they should go get a drink of water and relax for a bit. Generally only happens when someone splits the beam or something. Excessive dramatic crying is another story.

 

[LJL07]

One of the reasons I put my girls in gym (one of whom is a huge drama queen) is because I want them to learn self-control and be mentally tough. But I don't think it's necessary to make an example out of a kid crying like in the case of MILgymFAM's daughter. That's just shaming.

 

[floppycat]

I have a crier too. She doesn't cry much out of gym but at least once a week at gym. She is only 7 a perfectionist and is crying due to frustration and tiredness. Coaches let her pull herself together, they have become more accepting of her crying, it annoys them but probably not so much as those girls that refuse to do stuff on the beam. She is on the elite path, training huge hours for a 7 year old I really don't blame her for crying, I do think she will grow out of it and probably get angry instead but she doesn't have the emotional maturity for that.

 

[Deleted member D3987]

And even those who are building Olympians are not teaching no crying is allowed in the gym.

we're not telling them NOT to cry. we try to explain to them that crying is a waste of energy and won't fix whatever is ailing them. that they must learn other coping mechanisms to deal with ALL the dysfunctional and frustrating stuff that they have to deal with.

if they didn't learn this, you'd see everyone on TV crying ALL the time. then we'd look like figure skating. hahahahaha. okay all you skaters...that's a joke.