Do give rewards?

[putri]

For doing well?

Dd's in ballet, the Royal Ballet, and they have exams. Last exam not only did she get a distinction, but she got the highest score for the whole school. So then she asked if she can have a reward for doing well. I asked her what she wanted, a new book, and I said fine. Then she asked if she can get a reward each time she does well, like in gymnastics. When I asked her what well is, she said if she won something or a high score. I told her I'll think about it.

So, you reward your gymmies after a competition and winning something or at the top 10 or whatever? I am not sure about rewarding her because wouldn't the medal or the mention be reward on its own? I know she's not asking much but doesn't seem right. Plus, I was already planning on getting ice cream or the sort after each competition as long as she tries her best.

Thoughts?

 

[gymgurl]

I don't get rewarded for anything just a well done and a pat on the back. I topped the year in 2 subjects this year, got 4th place at state and got a well done and a hug. To put it short I never get rewarded per se. Also she might start to think that her worth is in her scores if you start rewarding her for high scores. Instead maybe reward her for persistent effort and dedication etc? might encourage a different side of the sport.

 

[Galadriel]

My dd and myself have a saying that Pride is the Prize!

She gets treats anyway but not for stuff like this and usually after the fact without it being promised i advance

- going down the reward route is a slippery slope in my opinion.

I dont want to have to fork out for school exam results (some kids even get a car for doing well!) or good scores - they are a natural result of working hard which for school you should do and for gym it is meant to be something they want to do.

 

[Deleted member D3987]

no.........................

 

[Canadian_gym_mom]

We go out for dinner after every competition. That's sort of a reward I suppose, but we will do this whether she is first or last.

Her gym gives lollipops when they achieive a new skill which DRIVES ME CRAZY but the girls like it and I suppose it's not a huge deal but whatever. I agree that rewarding scores doesn't seem like a good idea, because if she has worked really hard all season but then happens to have an off day at a meet, or she goes out and sticks every routine but still doesn't place well, you don't want to "punish" her with no reward, right?

I think going for ice cream no matter how she did is reward enough, along with lots and lots of hugs and verbal praise for her effort and determination.

 

[Faith]

I do

The way DH and I see it is DD can't really earn her pocket money from chores- the kid doesn't have time. So she can earn here and there- small stuff like working hard in her swimming lesson, doing something at school, practicing a new skill x times. Its not really goal based, more effort. She does have some goals that have standing rewards- a kip, for example, she will get a certain sum for when and if she gets it, and for reading her first chapter book.

It works well for DD, and she tends to set the target herself. I very rarely offer as an incentive, it will be DD's suggestion, so likely she would have done it anyway!

I don't reward for winning, or passing exams, or beating other people at something, or getting a score. That depends too much on other people.

ETA I'm not talking big sums, just a pound here and there- so a dollar or two.

 

[bogwoppit]

NO never.

I have three kids and they are all very different, I decided way back when that internal motivation was way better than external.

Every meet is ended with ice cream no matter what.

I assume my kids are trying their best in everything they do, therefor rewarding effort will not change anything, rewarding results doesn't make sense. They all have friends who get money for good grades etc, tell them their good grades will be rewarded when they get the university place they want.

There are a ton of threads here on bribes, motivation and rewards. Just use the search function, you will be kept busy reading all day. There are some really feisty threads too!

 

[coachmolly]

Growing up we would go out to eat after meets, but that was more about it being a special occasion than how well I performed- we went regardless of scores/placements. There were also treats like pins, shirts, etc. but those came whether I did well or not if my parents wanted to treat me to a little something. Though I think I did get 9.0 pins for some of my first 9s.
I REALLY struggled in school due to circumstances beyond my control and sometimes my parents would offer treats for significant improvement, but it wasn't usually "if you get good grades you'll get X," rather, "you worked really hard, you can pick out a new leo."
As far as coaching, rewards don't really extend past a high five for learning a new skill or a job well done. There are times I'll bring in treats (stickers for little ones, candy on holidays), but they get those if they are the best or the worst- and that's more because I like having a reason to buy seasonal candy .

 

[cher062]

No I don't reward for good grade, good performance etc. Accomplishing the skill should be reward enough with some praise from me and dad. We do celebrate but Its more like days later I might say something like "You know you did a really great job with your grades - How about celebrating and go bowling on Saturday (something she loves)" So its after the fact and unexpected. This way DD will strive to achieve without having to have good grades or what ever. I don't think meet scores are a good basis either as the judging can vary in a big way from one meet to another.

I also think the "If you do this you can get that" is a bribe not a reward because performance guarentees a prize where a reward is usually after the fact and is unexpected. So they do the good deed because they want to not because they are getting something.

We do go out to eat afteralmost every meet mostly because after 4 + hours at a meet the last thing I want to do is cook and it usually is Lunch or dinner time.

I think if they want to do something they will do it without the reward and still feel great about themselves.

I do believe in celebreating lifes good moments but not giving a reward every time they burp right. ( I know so many parents that constantly give rewards/bribes to the point if they don't get it they won't perform)

We also don't do allowances because I believe if you live in the house doing chores are part of living here - no one pays me for doing chores in the house. I do give her lunch money and usually some spending money but not alot like $5 maybe $10 depending on where she is going but other than birthday money and Christmas money they really don't get an allowance. My son wanted an allowance once so we did give him one and he found out that he gets more without it than with it. If they want something they just have to ask. They don't always get it but I've heard some really great stories as to why they think they really have to have it.

 

[tennesseesunshine]

She wanted a BOOK!!! Mine want vacations!!!!!

For doing well?

Dd's in ballet, the Royal Ballet, and they have exams. Last exam not only did she get a distinction, but she got the highest score for the whole school. So then she asked if she can have a reward for doing well. I asked her what she wanted, a new book, and I said fine. Then she asked if she can get a reward each time she does well, like in gymnastics. When I asked her what well is, she said if she won something or a high score. I told her I'll think about it.

So, you reward your gymmies after a competition and winning something or at the top 10 or whatever? I am not sure about rewarding her because wouldn't the medal or the mention be reward on its own? I know she's not asking much but doesn't seem right. Plus, I was already planning on getting ice cream or the sort after each competition as long as she tries her best.

Thoughts?

 

[monkeysmom]

I would not reward for specific scores or grades, but rather for positive behaviors. In many many areas of our domestic bliss I am absolutely not above bribery.....I find it very effective. : )

 

[rd7]

As monkeysmom says - I would never reward for medals won or high scores.

But I did buy DD some dowel grips that she'd been after for a while when we received not one but two letters home from school saying how hard she has been working in a particular subject.

And I got her a new leo when she acheived 3 gym skills that she had been working on and got them just in time for a competition - although that's probably because I like buying new leos and needed an excuse.

She didn't know before the event and I made sure to tell her that it was for her hard work.

If your DD gets used to rewards for winning then how is she going to feel when she doesn't do so well even though she has tried her best and then doesn't get a reward either?

Funny that she asked for a book!

 

[GymSurvivor]

Nope no rewards here.
My family is a hug, and congratulations.

As for the gym we have a bell hung on the wall. And for the rec. and preschool kids (Not as much the team kids, but the developmentals will) And if you get a new skill by yourself or good form on something you've been working on you get to ring the bell and all the coaches, some students and some parents watching clap.
Most kids LOVE this and its a simple way for a reward, without candy or providing a prize. Some kids refuse because they don't like being singled out in front of people. But we always give them the choice to ring the bell.

 

[profmom]

Mine's getting a new leo at our next meet next weekend as a reward. She's had kind of a tough competition season so far, but she refuses to give up and has made quite a lot of progress on her L6 bars routine. She has also done a great job of celebrating her teammates' successes even when things haven't gone well for her. The meet's a big one and is known for having racks and racks of leos in every shade of the rainbow and then some.

We pretty much always go out for a meal or ice cream after every meet.

 

[Krystan]

We never do bribes or rewards, in that I would never say, "If you stay on the beam, you get..." or, "I'll pay you $xx if you get xx skill." To me, that totally wrecks the whole process of her being proud of herself for working so hard to get a skill. I want it to be about her working hard for something for its own sake, and not for the sake of some "thing" or "stuff" or money. I won't even let my kids sign up for the summer reading program at the library because I feel like rewarding them for how many books they read would take away some of the natural enjoyment they already get out of reading (or they might pick easier/shorter books just for the reward). We homeschool so grades aren't an issue, but I would feel the same way about rewards for report cards, etc. I wouldn't want them to take a less challenging route just to get the better grade for the reward, if you know what I mean.

A girl on dd's team was offered $10 by her mother to get her legs together on her back handsprings, something that has been an issue for her. Well, it worked - it made her focus on the task more directly and she had it right in days. But... now will she expect to get paid next time she's having trouble with something? I think it's a slippery slope I'd rather not start down. I'll pay a coach to teach her to do it if she wants it enough, but I'm not paying her to care about getting a skill - it's her sport.

That being said, I did surprise her with a grip bag when she got to level 5 (when they start using grips - we would have had to get one anyway), and I got her a "got my kip" beamie bear when she got her kip. But is was a surprise and a week later, so it's not like she expected it. But NOTHING can beat the surprised/shocked look on her face when she found herself on top of the bar after her 3000th kip attempt. Her pride and feeling of accomplishment was about getting her kip after working so hard, not about, "oh, good, now I get $20." Thank goodness.

 

[rsm]

I made the mistake once of telling my DS that if he did better on his report card in xyz in school that he would get something he wanted (a small toy). It worked! Except, for months after, every time I told him he did a great job at something, he'd ask "what's my reward?". Obviously it was not what I expected, and I wouldn't do it again. Now, his "reward" is a big hug and high five, and knowing that he did a great job and can do it again. Any other good things that happen are not tied directly to things that he should be doing.

 

[my4buffaloes]

I reward my kids at random. For instance when my ds that never does his homework without us forcing the issue came home and jumped right into it one day - I rewarded him with a piece of candy. My other son got straight A's one quarter and he had been wanting me to order him an Eagle's shirt online. So I did to celebrate him working so hard and achieving his goal. I made it clear he would not get something every time he got all A's. My dd got a new leotard the first time she won the AA at a meet (where she also got a skill for the first time, which I was more excited about) - but she didn't know that ahead of time. I surprised her with it. Again, I made it clear this was just to celebrate the first one, won't be happening again. The rewards are always up to me, always a surprise, and always fairly small. If they ask for something if they do well, then it is a no. And I keep it totally random. I would not start doing it on a regular basis and not let her decide, but that is just me.

 

[shelovestoflip]

I don't reward for scores at a meet, grades on a report card or anything else.

As others have said, we usually go out to eat after a meet because it's lunch or dinner time, usually an hour drive home and it is a fun way to end the day. Usually ice cream from the meet vendor before we leave, too....otherwise she might not survive the 5 minute ride to a restaurant because she's 'starving'

I think it's important for children to learn about intrinsic motivation. Feeling proud that they got a new skill, improved a score from a previous meet (knowing those are not always consistent with different judging!), learning to do a new math skill or reading or whatever.

Yes, as adults we like if our company gives us a bonus, but mostly we like to make it through the work day or week happy.

I guess I want my daughter to learn she can be proud of her accomplishments for what they are rather than for money (or whatever).

That being said, I did buy my daughter one of those pins for the first time ever at a recent meet. She was just getting back to competing after an injury and I bought the pin for her event.

She was surprised and happy to put it on her team bag.

So, sometimes the unexpected is the best way to go. I don't think she'll expect one at every meet and I think it was special due to the circumstance.

 

[gym law mom]

No, don't give rewards for skills, placements, good grades etc. Usually give hugs and lots of "I'm proud of you". Giving rewards can send you down a very slippery slope very fast.

 

[CoachGoofy]

I don't think my parents ever rewarded me for gymnastics. The "ohmygosh, I didn't think people could DO that" was quite enough, and from people who aren't my parents it was even more awesome (ok, so I'm a bit of a showoff). My coaches tried to bribe me when I was struggling with my full & I was insulted...it wasn't a lack of EFFORT, & it's not like a new leotard or a Dilly Bar is going to magically fix an inability to maintain both flip and twist.

I didn't get bribed for grades either. When it turned out I'd gotten the highest score in a class, higher than the kid a grade above me (who ended up being valedictorian of his grade) my parents took me out to a fancy dinner, but I still think that was more for them than for me.

The whole "so what's my reward?!?" thing makes me deeply uncomfortable. Being awesome is satisfying all by itself.