WAG Do your coaches say this?

[Aussie_coach]

While I get your point here and it may be a little overly sensitive, truth is that you should not be using "good girl/boy". You should be praising them for what they did, not who they are. Basic education 101. Same goes for "you're very talented". Praise them for their *effort* instead, to keep them working hard.

Interesting concept.

One one hand it makes sense from an educational standpoint to praise the kids for what they did, as this is teaching them what you are looking for. For example "Susie, great pointed toes" doesn't just make Susie feel good but it also communicates that having great pointed toes is important and something the kids should be aiming for. Other kids will be keen to emulate those pointed toes as they know it is a praise worthy action, thus improving their skill and technique.

But on the other hand, if you praise kids only for what they do rather than who they, are can send the message that all their value is wrapped up in their actions. So what happens when they do something wrong and make huge mistakes, are they less valuable as people. Praising someone for who they are can send a message that they are valued because they are themselves, even if they mess up big time they are still a valued person.

The idea that we shouldn't tell a child that they are talented is akin to the popular idea today they we want to deny that each kid has a different set of natural abilities. Parents want kids to feel like everyone is exactly equal and they can be anything they want to be, they just need to want it bad enough, few want to awknowledge that kids bring different plates to the table. Does it hurt for kids to know that some things are going to come naturally to them, while they are going to have to work harder at other things. If a kid with lots of talent knows it, they can really focus and hone on their gifts.

I seriously have parents complain all the time, because their daughter has been doing gymnastics the exact same amount of time as their friend, so they should be the exact same level. No awknowldegment that their child may be working with a different skill set, just thinking that in a "fair" world everyone should be exactly the same. Crazy!

 

[Midwestmommy]

I don’t think it’s creepy.

Age eleven is right about the age girls start calling lots of stuff creepy, seems like they are just starting to sort that kind of stuff at that age. It’s good she is talking to you about it though.

Beware — by age 14 their favorite word will be “cringy” and they will probably be talking about you.. I was recently informed that my use of smile emojis is cringy, who knew.

 

[gymgal]

As we are all entitled to our opinions, I disagree with the bolded - and would like to as respectfully as possible explain.

THIS, in my opinion, is what has caused the 'special snowflake' syndrome with 2000's+ babies. Something that should be taken lightly and as praise is now grounds for someone to be triggered by instilling and encouraging statements like the bolded above. There is a whole bunch of fall-outs with this school of thought and teaching, and it is causing very real-world implications for these kids who are now entering the work force.
I was born in the 90's so not long before this new age thinking - but I couldn't disagree with it more.

There is no reason to correlate this to an 'how kids identify' issue. No one says 'good girl/good boy' to maliciously target someones identity. It is praise. Look at the intent behind the statement - which is not malicious and no reason to make an issue out of nothing.

There is a difference if there is ill-intent behind a statement- but in this particular scenario, there is not.

I completely agree that no ill-intent is behind the statement and said once in a while no big deal. I was just commenting that mentors need to be careful about what they are fostering. The "Snowflake syndrome" has more to do with parents and teachers getting caught up in the "good girl", "you're so special" "you're so smart", etc mania to boost children's self esteem. This has perpetuated the (toddler) mindset that "I am the center of attention" and "I deserve everything that I want"- not because of what I do but because of who I am. No doubt, it is a delicate balance. Kids do need to know they are special just because of who they are but they also need to know that their effort is important. That their innate talent/skills (what ever it might be) is not enough in the real world.

But on the other hand, if you praise kids only for what they do rather than who they, are can send the message that all their value is wrapped up in their actions. So what happens when they do something wrong and make huge mistakes, are they less valuable as people. Praising someone for who they are can send a message that they are valued because they are themselves, even if they mess up big time they are still a valued person.

The idea that we shouldn't tell a child that they are talented is akin to the popular idea today they we want to deny that each kid has a different set of natural abilities. Parents want kids to feel like everyone is exactly equal and they can be anything they want to be, they just need to want it bad enough, few want to awknowledge that kids bring different plates to the table. Does it hurt for kids to know that some things are going to come naturally to them, while they are going to have to work harder at other things. If a kid with lots of talent knows it, they can really focus and hone on their gifts.

I agree - it is not an all/nothing proposition. Children need to be told they are special and they are talented and it needs to be genuine, not "well, all children are special!" It is all part of developing a well rounded confident individual. But to use "good girl" INSTEAD of what you really mean, repeatedly, does nothing to help them understand WHY they are a good girl. And if they mess up, does that mean that they are no longer a good girl? (of course not!). So yes, they should be given those kinds of self-esteem praise but not in direct relation to the skills they are working on (not just athletics; school as well.).

There are no easy answers here and there is always 2, or more, sides to the debate. I was just trying to point out that it is better to give them the praise or correction that they need to move in the right direction. Here's the other side - If a child is doing a skill wrong, would you say "bad girl! You have no talent!" Of course not! You would give her the information she needs to correct it.

 

[chalkbowl]

Thought of this thread when I said "good girl" tonight AFTER an athlete made a correction. I definitely use the phrase...I had already provided the feedback of how to correct it and this way my way of acknowledging that she made the correction.

 

[wandrewsjr]

Thought of this thread when I said "good girl" tonight AFTER an athlete made a correction. I definitely use the phrase...I had already provided the feedback of how to correct it and this way my way of acknowledging that she made the correction.

I have said it thousands of times. "Good Girl" just rolls off the tongue a little easier than "thank you for applying my correction to keep your toes in front longer and lean your shoulders further over the bar so you could hit that cast to the height I know you are capable of," doesn't it?

 

[gymyogimom]

I think "good girl" is usually used when they implement changes/corrections. Nothing wrong with it to me. Sounds like her friends are an easy hype squad so it may be a good idea to talk about being secure in her beliefs, opinions and the like. It is good that she told you about this, but hopefully their influence is not too deep.

 

[triplethreat+1]

Both my dd's coaches say this (one male one female). To me it has a slightly different connotation than 'good job', it's praising an effort more than the result. Might just be me though.
My dd is in grade 5, and until recently EVERYTHING was 'creepy'. Seriously means zilch.

 

[Madden3]

When I was newly a mom in the early 2000's, I recall multiple parenting articles that urged parents to NEVER EVER praise your child by saying "good girl" or "good boy" or the very handy gender non-specific "good job." Supposedly, according to some, bleary-eyed mothers of young children were supposed to look at the 49th finger painting of the hour, peer at the result of all the colors mixing to a deep shade of baby poo brown, and point out with specificity exactly what was terrific about said painting. Others insisted that such phrases would be overpraising children. In both cases, poorly handled praise might result in your child becoming a serial killer. This is when I first realized that people who write for parenting magazines are sadists.

 

[gymdog]

I'm surprised so many people say this regularly because I find it odd. Not inappropriate, just weird and not something I hear people say here anymore. I would have just chalked it up to a language barrier in the initial post, but I guess not per the subsequent posts.

 

[GymFan96]

Here’s a simple rule of thumb: if he says it to ONLY your kid, then it might be cause for concern. If he says it to most or all of them, it’s probably fine.

I’m in the habit of calling every kid “Baby” because that’s what my coaches called us. I hope no one thinks I’m being a creep LOL.

 

[Jard.the.gymnast]

Here’s a simple rule of thumb: if he says it to ONLY your kid, then it might be cause for concern. If he says it to most or all of them, it’s probably fine.

I’m in the habit of calling every kid “Baby” because that’s what my coaches called us. I hope no one thinks I’m being a creep LOL.

I call all my kids little monkeys and they usually love being a little monkey. Never thought it could come over as creepy...

 

[mommyof1]

When I was newly a mom in the early 2000's, I recall multiple parenting articles that urged parents to NEVER EVER praise your child by saying "good girl" or "good boy" or the very handy gender non-specific "good job." Supposedly, according to some, bleary-eyed mothers of young children were supposed to look at the 49th finger painting of the hour, peer at the result of all the colors mixing to a deep shade of baby poo brown, and point out with specificity exactly what was terrific about said painting. Others insisted that such phrases would be overpraising children. In both cases, poorly handled praise might result in your child becoming a serial killer. This is when I first realized that people who write for parenting magazines are sadists.

... and don't forget that we are only ever supposed to praise effort, not results or innate talents. And never to say we are proud of them, only that they must be so proud of themselves because they worked so hard. Otherwise they will not develop "grit" and a "growth mindset" and will expect you to call their professors to complain about their grades in college and then move back into your basement forever.

 

[Flyaway]

When I was newly a mom in the early 2000's, I recall multiple parenting articles that urged parents to NEVER EVER praise your child by saying "good girl" or "good boy" or the very handy gender non-specific "good job." Supposedly, according to some, bleary-eyed mothers of young children were supposed to look at the 49th finger painting of the hour, peer at the result of all the colors mixing to a deep shade of baby poo brown, and point out with specificity exactly what was terrific about said painting. Others insisted that such phrases would be overpraising children. In both cases, poorly handled praise might result in your child becoming a serial killer. This is when I first realized that people who write for parenting magazines are sadists.

True story.

 

[Peachy88]

Here’s a simple rule of thumb: if he says it to ONLY your kid, then it might be cause for concern. If he says it to most or all of them, it’s probably fine.

I’m in the habit of calling every kid “Baby” because that’s what my coaches called us. I hope no one thinks I’m being a creep LOL.

If we were at a gym and someone called my kid baby I would be seriously upset. They are not babies. They are children and athletes.

 

[rjb123]

oh my gracious! DD's coaches say these sorts of things all the time! I am (nor is she!!) not even the least bit upset about it! In our home we have fun nicknames for each other and frankly,with as much time over as many years as she has been there, it doesn't surprise me in the least that the coaches do as well. Frankly, after reading and listening to all of the horrific things that go on in gyms around this country (and the world) I can't even imagine being upset about something like this. JMO.

 

[SurpriseGymMom]

Not creepy. DD has one coach that says this and she is American and young (mid 20’s).

 

[SurpriseGymMom]

I, as a coach of young girls, tend to use more specific praise (such as “I like how you pointed your toes”) but I do resort to “good job” or “better, thank you” etc at times.

 

[Jard.the.gymnast]

but I do resort to “good job” or “better, thank you” etc at times.

I usually resort to that when the kid is doing the same thing over and over again. After 3 times of saying arms by your ears, it's a lot easier to say 'closer' or something like that.

 

[coachmolly]

I, as a coach of young girls, tend to use more specific praise (such as “I like how you pointed your toes”) but I do resort to “good job” or “better, thank you” etc at times.

I tend to think things like, "Good job" or "Better" are fine if it's something you have given specific feedback about on a previous turn (or turns). Child knows what needs to be fix and your good job signifies they did it. I think that's different from just a mindless "Good job" after an entire routine or without any real context or substance to it. It's not my first choice, but it definitely does happen at times.

 

[John]

I love to hear how cognitive and well thought some of you coaches are with something seemingly as simple as words of praise. I think praise is where a gymnast begins to realize coaches care about them.