Parents Fast-tracked & 'un'-friended

[wallflower]

I'm trying to think carefully of how to word this so it doesn't come across as negative. I'm not saying this is you GYMOM, these are just things I've seen.

This is a general statement, not meaning your situation, but just things I see happening in gyms. Sometimes the tension is created more by the people in your situation rather than the ones you think are creating the tension. Sometimes the parent of the one being "fast tracked" is the one who comes into the gym and expects the ones not fast tracked to be upset or jealous or whatever. Then everything the other people do is taken as "oh they must be upset because my kid is moving faster". When in reality it's not always the case. People would be surprised how little people really care or notice what other people are doing.

Another scenario I've seen time and again is the "fast tracked" kid's parent sitting in the gym and cheering every ponytail adjustment of their child because they so desperately want people to notice their child. It's a way of passively aggressively rubbing it in that my child is moving on and yours will stay the same level or mine is moving faster than yours. Then those parents wonder why the others don't seem happy with it.

It's important to be sensitive when your child moves up and others do not. It should be 100% clear to anyone that people whose kids aren't moved up will be feeling sensitive about it. It's human nature. I've seen parents at our own gym whose kids are moving to level 7 sit and talk very loudly about their new floor routines to the parents whose kids didn't move to optionals. Then later ask why was Susie's mom giving me the cold shoulder? Really? You really don't know? You can be excited about your child while being sensitive to others.

Be careful about comments like your coaches not having an abundance of "natural" talent. It comes across as arrogant and a put down to other girls within the gym that have worked so hard to be team gymnasts. Especially if your girls have been given a lot of hours and different training. Anyone with those advantages will look more "naturally talented" and progress faster.

And all of this comes from a mom of a kid who has moved fast through the levels, not the other side of the story.

 

[GYM0M]

I do not sit at the gym at watch so there is no time for me to make comments that might come across as arrogant. However, one day last week just as the girls were about to get out, I was watching the girls stretch and speaking to a friend of mine. Then out of no where, another parent walked up and got in the face of yet another one. They took the discussion outside because they were getting loud. Just like Dance Moms! It was all over one child that was moved up, but didn't qualify for states. The other child DID qualify for states but did not get moved up! To clarify, I did not mean to offend by 'abundance of natural talent.' Not meaning my child has more than the next on team. Simply meant that the girls moved on to team are few and groups usually stay together year after year. So, this division of girls is is a new situation!

 

[gymmommy123]

Regarding communication from coach to parents

You are referring to coaches speaking individually to parents about their child's progress/plan for progress, correct? The coach shouldn't feel a need to explain the plan for other gymnasts. IMHO

I believe too many parents are comparing their child (and their training) with the other team members. Some gymnasts may be on a different spot on the "skill progression path" at any given point in time.

Yes, they're a team, but each gymnast is a unique individual and the training will need to be adapted/adjusted as such.

I don't know if you were responding to my reply... if so, yes, I had meant private meetings with parents about their OWN gymnast, why they feel their daughter/son should be in the group/level they selected and what their hopes and plans are over the coming year for their child. I re-read it, and yes, it did sound confusing, sorry!

 

[Deleted member 14190]

Some kids simply have more talent... This is not something we wish to sit down with a parent and discuss... A parent doesn't want to hear that another child is more talented, and when they hear this they almost always try to place blame. Example, they train more hours, they have better coaching, they are not giving my DD a chance, they have given up on my DD, maybe we should switch gyms.... literally dozens if not hundreds of threads here on CB about the issue of other groups progressing further and faster then the one "my DD" is in.. We as coaches know how fast your DD can learn/progress and will put her in a group that will be the BEST for future, not to mention safest.
To the OP, I second, third, fourth the "stay out of the parent deck". Better for you and better for your daughter.

 

[luvmygymdtr]

Some kids simply have more talent... This is not something we wish to sit down with a parent and discuss... A parent doesn't want to hear that another child is more talented, and when they hear this they almost always try to place blame. Example, they train more hours, they have better coaching, they are not giving my DD a chance, they have given up on my DD, maybe we should switch gyms.... literally dozens if not hundreds of threads here on CB about the issue of other groups progressing further and faster then the one "my DD" is in.. We as coaches know how fast your DD can learn/progress and will put her in a group that will be the BEST for future, not to mention safest.
To the OP, I second, third, fourth the "stay out of the parent deck". Better for you and better for your daughter.

But, you have to admit, its counter-intuitive to give a child more hours who is already doing better than another child than expect them to compete against each other. As a parent i think that warrants a conversation. Just like a teacher explaining to a parent why a child is or is not being placed in accelerated classes in school. As a parent we have the right to be part of the discussion as uncomfortable as that may be for you.

 

[rjb123]

It can be hard when your child is on the "b team" (as the proud mom of a b teamer!!) You just DO wonder "why not my kid" etc. That little green monster can rear its ugly head for sure. However, I really just hang my hat upon the fact that I DO believe that our coaches have the best interest of EVERY child in mind. For example, my child was just not ready (age, physically or mentally) to train what the fast trackers did last year. It wasn't until maybe summer that I actually thought it would have been possible for her. She just wasn't ready. But, you know what- she had a great season, and was right on the "fast tracked" girls tail. It was BETTER for her, and for her gymnastics to be in the group where she was placed. Her coaches were RIGHT. And they ARE right when they make these decisions 99.9% of the time. Bottom line is that they are the ones working with her on a daily basis and they know her personality. They know how hard to push, when to push and when to lay off. I don't. The moms are not making these decisions. So why "punish" them?
If I was in your shoes, I would just be patient and kind. Give complements and encouragement to the other girls when appropriate and the parents too. Show them by your actions that you desire to support the ENTIRE team, not just your DD. They will come around. (PS- encourage your DD to do the same!)

 

[cbifoja]

But, you have to admit, its counter-intuitive to give a child more hours who is already doing better than another child than expect them to compete against each other. As a parent i think that warrants a conversation. Just like a teacher explaining to a parent why a child is or is not being placed in accelerated classes in school. As a parent we have the right to be part of the discussion as uncomfortable as that may be for you.

I guess I see it as if a kid is seeking out extra hours, then they are probably pretty driven and should be given that opportunity. Some kids are okay with the hours they get and not trying to be "superstars." Other kids are really ambitious. Some kids don't even want to come their schedule hours and skip with that mysterious weekly stomach/headache.

As a teacher, when I have kids request extra assignments (and believe it or not, it does happen some), I'm not going to turn them down and say "No, because you might become smarter than Tommy." If a kid has academic drive, that excites me and wants me to support that kid in their goals.

My DD will take whatever hours she can get. Anytime there are extra hours, she snatches them up. Today, she asked if she could go in and work with the upper compulsories on "basics". Her coach told her to knock herself out. As a mom, I was proud of her drive.

 

[cbifoja]

It was BETTER for her, and for her gymnastics to be in the group where she was placed. Her coaches were RIGHT. And they ARE right when they make these decisions 99.9% of the time. Bottom line is that they are the ones working with her on a daily basis and they know her personality. They know how hard to push, when to push and when to lay off. I don't. The moms are not making these decisions. So why "punish" them?

This is SO true! We have a mom who decided that her DD WOULD compete at a certain level and the poor child isn't ready for that level. It is painful to watch this kiddo compete because she's obviously not ready for said level. But mom decided to trump coach's advice. She thinks her DD will be a superstar if she's pushed. Instead, mom is probably going to push her DD right out of the sport. :-(

 

[raenndrops]

This is SO true! We have a mom who decided that her DD WOULD compete at a certain level and the poor child isn't ready for that level. It is painful to watch this kiddo compete because she's obviously not ready for said level. But mom decided to trump coach's advice. She thinks her DD will be a superstar if she's pushed. Instead, mom is probably going to push her DD right out of the sport. :-(

We have a gymnast like that in our gym. Her mom TOLD HC that she would be bringing her daughter to the Level 4 team camp this summer (coach had advised L3 for another season because: Not close to kip, no beam cartwheel, no FHS on floor, no back extension roll to handstand on floor, and not very powerful on vault.) In Old L4, her highest AA was 33.5 and her highest beam score was an 8.1.
The girl did compete at YMCA NAtionals last year and mom was so excited that they will be in Tampa this year that she has already booked her hotel room. She will need at least a 32.0 to qualify for Nationals.
So far this season (3 meets into the season): Highest Bars: 6.1 - still no kips, but you can tell the low bar is SUPPOSED to be a kip
Highest Beam: 7.0 (almost everyone on the entire team got a personal record on beam at that meet, if that tells you anything)
Highest Floor: 7.650 (everyone on our team in L4 got a personal best on floor in that meet)
Highest Vault: 7.7
Highest AA: 28.450
She is so frustrated she has already told her mom that if she can't compete Xcel Gold next season, that she is quitting... In our gym, coach likes them to be 12 OR have a kip. She will be 11, so she has a fighting chance of moving to Xcel.
I just keep thinking, if she would have competed L3, she would have already qualified for Nationals (afterall, younger gymmie already did it and she is a year younger and was always about a point behind in AA last year ... and YG was given a choice last year and CHOSE new L3. Her choice was because she was close to a kip, had a nice RO2BHS, had a FHS, and was close on the beam cartwheel - she had it on low beam) and she would be uptraining the L4 skills without the pressure of NEEDING them ASAP. Poor girl.

 

[cbifoja]

To the OP, I'm sorry that you're dealing with such things. My DD has skipped a couple of levels and all of the moms have always been very encouraging and supportive. It definitely makes a difference in the atmosphere of the gym when you aren't having to deal with jealousy and/or snark.

We do have some comments because a few of the girls get to uptrain with higher levels so I know that the attitude is starting to show up in our parental group but so far it's been fairly low key. As the mom of one of those girls, it can be hard to sit and hear the comments but it's never been over the top and the parents have always made it clear that they don't "blame the child", not has any parent ever treated my DD unkindly.

I don't know the answer and I can see every point. Like CoachP said, some kids are more talented and it is hard to tell parents that their kid isn't as amazing as another child. But all kids deserve to have good coaching and adequate attention regardless of their skill/talent. I understand the jealousy of some parents and the pride of some parents. It's just unfortunate when some adults can't behave as such.

 

[Deleted member 14190]

But, you have to admit, its counter-intuitive to give a child more hours who is already doing better than another child than expect them to compete against each other. As a parent i think that warrants a conversation. Just like a teacher explaining to a parent why a child is or is not being placed in accelerated classes in school. As a parent we have the right to be part of the discussion as uncomfortable as that may be for you.

===
The only thing I will admit is,,,, I wouldn't hold a kid back just to please the surrounding parents.
It really has nothing to do with how uncomfortable it may be for me or the coach, it' s just that coaches don't sit parents down every time a child is more talented in any sport. In football they sit on the bench and I seriously doubt the football coach sits down with each parent who's kid sat on the bench that game etc... Gym is no different, we put everything into each child and move them at a pace that we deem is effective and safe for that child. If your child does not get moved up, or does not get to "play", that is our job. And like Cbforja said, each kid deserves adequate coaching and that is what we do.

 

[luvmygymdtr]

===
The only thing I will admit is,,,, I wouldn't hold a kid back just to please the surrounding parents.

This is awesome, sign us up!!!! however..

If your child does not get moved up, or does not get to "play", that is our job. And like Cbforja said, each kid deserves adequate coaching and that is what we do.

...when my child "does not get to play" I am entitled to an explanation. Please give me the respect as a loyal customer of your gym, to give me one. Even if it makes you uncomfortable. Otherwise, I will turn to the first parent "on deck" to try to understand.

 

[gymdog]

This is SO true! We have a mom who decided that her DD WOULD compete at a certain level and the poor child isn't ready for that level. It is painful to watch this kiddo compete because she's obviously not ready for said level. But mom decided to trump coach's advice. She thinks her DD will be a superstar if she's pushed. Instead, mom is probably going to push her DD right out of the sport. :-(

Whoa, why are the parents even involved at all? The coaches are just as much as blame.

 

[kandkfunk]

In football they sit on the bench and I seriously doubt the football coach sits down with each parent who's kid sat on the bench that game etc...

Oh, I can guarantee that if Johnny is sitting on the bench every game or only getting the minimum number of plays, then coach is explaining a lot to those parents. Or, if he isn't playing in the right position, coach is fielding lots of questions.

It's not just gymnastics. It just seems that the gymnastics environment makes these types of situations more intense. Football only lasts a couple months. Gymnastics is a year long commitment.

 

[Deleted member D3987]

gymnastics...

 

[Dka]

This is the case in all sports. Parents of players chosen for the B. Team get upset and think its personal. It rarely is! Same with gymnastics. I have been through it with all of my children. My DD was not initially chosen to be fast tracked 2 years ago, and she continued to work and work and now she is right with them. No matter what the sport, soccer, basketball or baseball- it is the same... I find gymnastics to be the most impartial because at the highest levels parents are not coaching- they are full time paid professionals- WE have to trust them! We pay a lot of money for their services and we need to trust that they will do what's best for our children. I believe they will, sometimes we have to swallow the fact that these coaches know that some kids will benefit from th extra hours etc and the other girls will burn out. This is their job! My DD's friends that were not fast tracked are still cheering her on at meets and she plans on doing the same! I have a 5 th grade level 8, and I know it is way more likely that she will burn out or get hurt etc then make it to elite etc... We all need to enjoy the ride, they are little once!

 

[LizzieLac]

What makes these situations hard in every sport (but gymnastics seems to be at the top) is when the decisions seem arbitrary. Parents don't know what coaches are looking for or what is "required" to be that kid that gets moved up or offered extra training. Maybe the parent of the child that got moved knows what was needed, but the parent of the child that did not often doesn't know.

That is when the discontent starts.

 

[Midwestmommy]

Where gymnastics is quite different than some other sports...is that the funnel in terms of who gets the opportunity to train and see what they can do narrows much earlier than many other sports. At some gyms, it is extremely early (at gyms that screen for certain perceived characteristics at age 4/5/6). Some girls don't ever get the opportunity to try to train for team.

In lots of sports, the funnel is very wide at the beginning, and the ones with the most talent and success gradually start to train more and get more opportunites. With gymnastics, kids sometimes get screened not by what they accomplish, but by by what coaches think they can predict that a child could possibly accomplish someday. That leaves a lot of gray area for speculation, perceived favoritism, etc etc. at compulsory levels. And in this sport, the athletes that get the the hours, good training and good coaching will have a much better chance at success. So at the youngish ages/lower levels, it's hard guage the credibility of "lack of talent" from "lack of opportunity/training". I'm NOT talking about the kids on both ends of spectrum (truly not cut out for the sport or the one in a million naturally talented phenoms). I'm talking about all the ones in between.

Also, gymnastics is for the most part for-profit businesses and is quite expensive. It isn't always obvious when your child is getting the "shuffle" at a gym, so that creates some anxiety for parents of the younger athletes in trying to decide if their kid is at a gym that is the right fit for them. Add to that the lack of communication between coaches and parents, and on it goes. Sort of like at the hospital. The most knowledgeable person about the surgery just done on your child is the surgeon. However, if you only see the surgeon for two minutes and a nurse with good communication skills is there for 8 hours....well you get your information from the nurse. If the only person available to answer questions is other parents, well that's who you ask sometimes, even if they aren't the most accurate of sources..