Parents How to deal with a grandma who won't stop trying to "coach" my daughter??

[Amusibus]

My mother is pushy with my daughter about gymnastics. She watched a demonstration they did recently, and after it kept trying to tell her how to kick, point your toes, come over here and show me how you do it right. This kind of thing happens all the time, like after a meet or whenever my daughter is cartwheeling around the house. This drives me crazy. My daughter handles it pretty well, but is not the confrontational type.

My mom doesn't live with us, but is here often, 1 or 2 days a week. I do tell her to stop-it makes no difference. Let me also add that my mother, like my daughter, also has Aspergers syndrome, so does not really comprehend what is appropriate and what is not. She has major socialization difficulties with almost everyone in her life - however in many other ways, she is a great grandma to them, they love each other a lot. She just can't be reasoned with, she does things her way.

Maybe this is more of a vent than anything else, but given the circumstances if anyone has any ideas I'd sure like to hear them. I am out of ideas, frustrated, exhausted.

 

[lovemygymnast]

Well, if it makes you feel any better, you aren't alone. My MIL says all kinds of stuff and she doesn't have the Asperger's excuse. Lucky for us, they don't live super close. But we have told her repeatedly not to correct or say anything negative to my dd. It doesn't work. And worse, she'll say things about other kids too!!! I feel for you!

 

[Deleted member 14190]

Stop inviting her to meets.... She is just adding extra pressure.

 

[sce]

Knowing she has Asperger's, I would plan to sit down and have a very direct conversation with her. Tell her that you appreciate her enthusiasm and support of your dd, but that you've observed her correcting and coaching. Explain that the coaching is the coach's job and her job is to cheer her on. Give specific examples, "you really worked hard out there", "I'm so proud of you", etc. Explain too that the constant correcting can lead to dd not loving gymnastics anymore.

 

[cbifoja]

I agree with sce's approach. It is so hard having to have that kind of conversation with a loved one. It's easy for outsiders to give advice that could come across as brusque or too terse for your relationship. But I think the approach sce suggests is just perfect. You're acknowledging her love for your dd and helping her correct her behavior while being respectful and saving her some dignity. Good luck. It's not an easy conversation.

 

[Amusibus]

Thanks. I have my doubts whether she would cooperate or even understand, but it is worth a try I guess. Coach P, not possible. It's not a black and white issue. Anyway this doesn't just happen at meets.

 

[COz]

Knowing she has Asperger's, I would plan to sit down and have a very direct conversation with her. Tell her that you appreciate her enthusiasm and support of your dd, but that you've observed her correcting and coaching. Explain that the coaching is the coach's job and her job is to cheer her on. Give specific examples, "you really worked hard out there", "I'm so proud of you", etc. Explain too that the constant correcting can lead to dd not loving gymnastics anymore.

I would modify this slightly.
Give her specific examples of what you consider corrections, to her she is just talking about gymnastics.
Tell her that it is the coach's job to give those details and that coaches are the only ones who are allowed to give corrections and coaching and this is to take place in the gym only. If she asks why, because the corrections are then consistent and applied immediately during training. Tell her that you have been told not to encourage your daughter to do gymnastics at home, that the safe environment for this is at the gym and they don't want confusion arising from corrections from multiple sources. If you tell her something as 'a rule' it is easier for her to go with it.
Talking about her potentially not loving gymnastics anymore shifts the emphasis onto an emotional thing, which means her attention will immediately go to trying to figure out how correcting a child and 'making her better' could possibly lead to her losing love of the sport. You don't want her attention to go down that path. It's much simpler to tell her that you've recently been told that you're not to do it. Will likely be a short conversation

 

[COz]

Oh and yes, clarify the sorts of things that it is appropriate to say to DD, otherwise she may never speak about gymnastics again!

 

[gymmomtotwo]

I don't know because I can't stand dealing with my stepmother who does not hesitate to voice her disapproval at DD doing so many hours of gymnast and implying that I have taken away her childhood by forcing her to do gymnastics. Which is completely ridiculous since I would rather force her to do swimming like her older sisters to make my life easier....... Oh wait, problem is she loves it. Everyone should be so lucky to be able to pursue a passion.

Anyway, maybe very specific instruction on what she can and can't say. Blame it on the coaches. Tell her that you are not allowed to coach at home and DD will get in trouble if she gets outside coaching. I do a form of this with dh to get him to stay out of it.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

Knowing she has Asperger's, I would plan to sit down and have a very direct conversation with her. Tell her that you appreciate her enthusiasm and support of your dd, but that you've observed her correcting and coaching. Explain that the coaching is the coach's job and her job is to cheer her on. Give specific examples, "you really worked hard out there", "I'm so proud of you", etc. Explain too that the constant correcting can lead to dd not loving gymnastics anymore.

This, the only other option is to limit contact and that s*cks

 

[my4buffaloes]

I have a child with Aspergers. I would come up with a few pat answers that will fit almost any scenario and use them repeatedly when your mom tries to coach her. Direct and lots of repetitions will help.

 

[OzZee]

Would you be able to get the coach to write/sign a letter with the no coaching at home rule? Seeing it in writing might help.

 

[Along4theRide]

In addition, you could also try to relay to her that *you* also have to remember not to give your daughter corrections when she is playing at home. ...That you and your mom can work together to remind each other not to correct her and leave the coaching to the coaches. Good luck!

 

[cbifoja]

Oooohhhh....that's a great suggestion. I love that.

 

[Amusibus]

Hey, thanks people. Those are some good ideas. COz and my4b you seem to have some understanding of how the asperger brain works. I will try it...try to catch her at a time when everyone's calm and nothing's happening. The letter from the coach thing is a good idea too, she is very deferential to Authority.

 

[duyetanh]

Yep. I would get the coach involved on that one..then you can always refer back to "that letter..."

 

[strawberries]

I like the "coach won't allow it" approach, especially since she respects authority! Along with that, you could explain that even among coaches, there are such different teaching styles that many gymnasts are discouraged from getting outside instruction of any kind, even from other trained coaches, gym camps, etc.