Parents How to deal with "mean girl" teammates?

[dynamicduo]

Both of my DDs are on the same team (level 4) and there are only 9 girls including them, so it's pretty small. There is another girl, same age, same ability and during the meets they all trade between 1st,2nd & 3rd place. This other girl has gotten very mean and snotty to my daughters' to the point where it is affecting practice.

The other night, for example, this girl moved the spring board on the vault before DDs turn and because it wasn't in the correct spot, my DD jammed her foot and hurt herself. She came off the floor crying and wanted to get ice then just sat out for the rest of practice (only 10min left anyway). As soon as the other girls mom got to the gym, she came off the floor crying saying that my DD did something to her. BUT, I saw the whole thing!!! This mom is always saying they are fighting with each other, but her daughter is very manipulative!!

I keep telling my girls to ignore her, walk away if she tries to start thing, but this makes the girl extremely upset and she throws tantrums that then make my girls look bad, even if they've done nothing! The coach tonight made them sit down and talk it out, but it really doesn't do anything!!

She is 10 and my girls are 9 so I can only see this issue getting worse! She is a very jealous person and if anyone is getting more/better skills than her, she throws fits! Another example, after the 1st meet, she came in 1st place. The practice after that meet, my DD got her cast handstand and the coach called her a champion. The girl yelled at the HC saying, " She is not a champion, she didn't win, I did, I'm the only champion"! Ugh I could use some advice on how to deal with this!! Thanks!

 

[alsmom]

Ugh!!! It sounds like something that the coach will have to deal with. This is now a safety issue and should not be tolerated!!

 

[Kiwi]

The other night, for example, this girl moved the spring board on the vault before DDs turn and because it wasn't in the correct spot, my DD jammed her foot and hurt herself.

Mean comments are one thing, but this is really dangerous, you need to talk to the coach.

 

[gymmomtoo]

Agree--talk to the coach, but make sure you mention the incident you personally observed and the safety issue involved--you don't want the coach thinking you're just a mom taking her daughters side. Emphasize that you think the situation is escalating and is becoming more dangerous.

 

[luvmygymdtr]

We successfully coached our DD how to talk to a girl who was bullying her at the gym-including some minor physical abuse. Our advice to her was to acknowledge how good the other gymnast was, pointing out all the things she does really well. Giving her positive feedback when it was warranted. And just giving her the sense she didn't need to be threatened by my DD. It worked. They are best friends now.

 

[kitkat]

Totally discuss with the coach. The coaches are so busy doing coaching stuff they may not see this stuff. I know I had an very minor issue last year and I spoke to the coach and WHAM - dealt with.

 

[Jen H.]

We successfully coached our DD how to talk to a girl who was bullying her at the gym-including some minor physical abuse. Our advice to her was to acknowledge how good the other gymnast was, pointing out all the things she does really well. Giving her positive feedback when it was warranted. And just giving her the sense she didn't need to be threatened by my DD. It worked. They are best friends now.

You are better than me, I would probably coach my daughter on how to take the low road- like knotting her grip bag into diabolical knots, and putting small dead rodents in her shoes.

But really, I would talk to the coach, not deal with the other parent as she seems ineffective, and have your girls back each other up when any witchery happens.

 

[skschlag]

I would definitely talk to the coach about this. She has her mom backing her up. I am sure there are other girls on the team that see it too.

As for moving the springboard, our boys do this all the time. They move during vaulting and have to be reset quite a bit. So if she just moved it back where it was supposed to be (you said it was in the wrong spot?) then that is normal practice behavior. If she moved it to the wrong spot, then that is a safety issue..KWIM?

 

[luvmygymdtr]

I would probably coach my daughter on how to take the low road- like knotting her grip bag into diabolical knots, and putting small dead rodents in her shoes.

HAHA!! It wasn't easy, I assure you. My fantasies were even worse than what you came up with. But the pay off was huge. We LOVE this little girl now. And I'm so very proud of my DD that she was able to pull it off.
It's a challenge to put fixing it all on the coaches because so often the bully is smart enough to be very discreet with the bad behavior.

 

[GymBee97]

I agree with the others. You need a sit down with the coach and I would say too the owner and voice your concerns. If it continues you then have to make a decision - do you want your DD to have to continue to deal with this or not. If not you may need to consider a different gym even though you man love everything else about where you are for the safety of your own kids.

 

[Seeker]

Okay...I applaud you for your high-road-ness...however, aren't you worried about her being good friends with someone that would do those things in the first place? I totally get the "do what you have to to make the gym/practice environment as healthy as possible", but I would be very wary of a child that would bully and take it to the physical level. I am glad that it turned around for your DD though....that is the best possible outcome.

 

[GymBee97]

Glad you found a way for your DD and this girl to get along but I would still be watchful and I would still have a talk with the coach and discuss what has been going on so they can keep an eye out for this.

 

[luvmygymdtr]

I would be very wary of a child that would bully and take it to the physical level. I am glad that it turned around for your DD though....that is the best possible outcome.

This was several years ago, and of course I was very wary at first and kept a watchful eye. We have grown to trust this child. And I think my DD has been a good model to her on how to treat others. Originally, my advice to my child was going to be to write this child off. But something about "writing a child off" because something internal is causing them to bully was very sad to me, and I thought sent a worse message to my DD. We are lucky it turned out the way it did, but I do think it could turn out this way more often when dealing with an individual bully. A group of bullies, that's a different story.

 

[Deleted member 15064]

HAHA!! It wasn't easy, I assure you. My fantasies were even worse than what you came up with. But the pay off was huge. We LOVE this little girl now. And I'm so very proud of my DD that she was able to pull it off.
It's a challenge to put fixing it all on the coaches because so often the bully is smart enough to be very discreet with the bad behavior.

a very clever response and you've now gained a friend. the toughest part about mean girls are their parents (whom either model this behavior or condone it, consciously or not). if you can separate out the adults who are probably unfixable and infinitely more unappealing than kids are - you can focus on winning over the child. takes a big person - but in your case that big person was you being a positive role model for both your daughter, and indirectly the mean girl.

not easy, like you said...

 

[my4buffaloes]

And now you all know that this girl can't be trusted. They need to always check the spring board themselves - or anything else that might be adjustable. So sorry, that has to be hard!

 

[dynamicduo]

Ok, so I talked to one of the coaches and she said they are aware of the situation and are watching it closely! I'm just really annoyed that I have to keep telling my girls to "kill her with kindness", and ignore her and walk away and be the bigger person when the other girls mom doesn't think there is a problem! It's so one sided that I am about to scream!!! This mom has also said that her teacher at school thinks she has a behavior problem as well, but again, she turns a blind eye! I had no idea that a 10 year old could be so incredibly manipulative and nasty to her "friends"!!! This other girl has the whole victim part down pat to make my girls look bad!! So upsetting!

 

[Seeker]

Yeah....we have a similar personality at our gym. It's exhausting.

 

[txgymfan]

Ask the coaches "how they are addressing the situation?" It's nice to be aware but what do they plan to "do" about it?

 

[GymMomXcel]

Sounds like an awful situation. I'd make sure the coach isn't just watching, but doing. Maybe they can start by doing a PSA to the whole group on respecting your teammates, supporting each other and being kind. Then let them know that any harmful behavior they observe between them will not be tolerated and will result in X happening. That way it doesn't single people out right away. No one feels attacked/tattled on, etc. .. If it's to the whole group.

 

[cbifoja]

I disagree with the "whole group" approach. Not just in the gym, but in life. The "group" isn't the problem. Deal with the problem. Yes, it's more uncomfortable and harder, but why should everyone else have to sit through a lecture that needs to be given to one person only???? This little girl needs to know that her behavior is unacceptable and won't be tolerated.