Parents How to handle this level of fear????

[cbifoja]

Cbifoja, I arm going through something very, very similar with my 10 year old dd! My DD's fear didn't come from a fall, etc, but from bad coaching. But she still has problems connecting her layout flyaway to the giant-giant. I too, felt sick when she was crying in bed at night. This is what I did:

1) explained to her gymnastics is not her whole identity. My dd was known as the best bar worker in optionals. She took huge pride in this. When she had a set back on bars, it really shook up how she felt about herself. I showed her a piece of polka dotted fabric. I told her that she is the piece of fabric, and just one of those dots is gymnastics. That she is great at a lot of things, and that gym only makes up 1/100 of what is special about her.

2) I told her that everyone in gym has setbacks. Every single person. And that there is no rush at all to get the skill. It will come when it's the right time.

3)our family could care less how long it takes her to get to level 10 or even if she chooses to keep doing gym. Completing level 7 is an accomplishment at any age, and we are super proud of her!

4) if she got a new skill on any other event, I made a big deal of it- "yay, a BHS-BT on beam, that's awesome!" Etc. I never bring up bars ever. If she does, I say " wow, great progress!"

I doubt it's hormones. It's the combination of practically living at gym and being a very young level 8. I hope she feels better. Mine is training with a new coach. He is very supportive and kind. My DD is progressing slowly, but she is back being happy! I hope your dd will be happy soon too

I love the polka dot analogy. What a great visual to help these kids understand that they aren't defined just by this sport while still acknowledging how important it is to them and their identity.

She fell asleep last night with no tears and didn't need to be reminded about getting a leo this morning. She was chattering and giggly on the way to school today rather than sullen and withdrawn. It's a pretty noticeable difference from the last few days.

I think knowing that she won't be asked to throw the DB tonight, or anytime in the next couple of weeks, has really taken a load off her little mind. I'm glad because like so many of you have mentioned, it is hard to watch a kid struggle with something that consumes all their thoughts and emotions. Especially when they lose their smiles and laughter while dealing.

 

[cbifoja]

I didn't see a double off bars all year, and that includes girls that won state, made the state team (in a big state), and will kill it at regionals this weekend. I know that a number of girls can do them, but none of them compete them.

We don't have a lot of L8s at our gym to learn from and I'll admit that I haven't done my homework as much as I should have. Our gym will sometimes move girls who have stagnated at a level for a couple of years up to the next level and let them compete less than stellar routines. Example, one of our L8s did CW-RO for her flight series. One of our L8s will do a FHS vault at regionals. I was under the impression that both of these examples aren't up to par with what others will be doing.

I assumed that the girls were either taking the deduction or maybe it wasn't required. Honestly, I guess I need to pay more attention to levels other than what my kid is currently competing rather than just giving everyone a cursory glance. Even HC shook her head at my ignorance and told me the DB wasn't needed until L9.

 

[gopuckgo]

This is what makes me think that hormones are involved. My oldest, a sweetheart really, cried when she couldn't find a sock or when the cat wanted to sleep with a sibling or when I said a wirty dord! I asked her why she was crying, answer "I just don't know!" Hormones can bring out the tears, even if it's not that intense. She maybe more scared bc she's crying & can't control it, ya know? Almost like she thinks she should be more scared than she actually is. This is the point at which, I feel, yes, you should get involved. Not necessarily in the gym aspect of it, but more on the woman side of things. Don't have to go into detail, but just explain that as she gets older, she will experience lots of different emotional swings and that its normal and that if she has any questions or thinks that any thing like that may be affecting her now, you'd love to help her with those feelings!

That is funny because my 10year old is experiencing crazy hormonal things like that right now. It's really hard on her in gym because sometimes she starts crying and it's over nothing really. She just cries and it's not over a fall or a skill, just streaming tears. When I asked her what is going on she told me that she doesn't understand why the tears come and that she can't stop them. She loves gym and her friends and coaches, hormones are crazy! She asked why boys don't have hormone surges like her and I told her to just wait until she is married and she will see for herself that they do, just a little later in life it seems (LOL! Purely joking).

 

[gymgal]

1) explained to her gymnastics is not her whole identity. My dd was known as the best bar worker in optionals. She took huge pride in this. When she had a set back on bars, it really shook up how she felt about herself. I showed her a piece of polka dotted fabric. I told her that she is the piece of fabric, and just one of those dots is gymnastics. That she is great at a lot of things, and that gym only makes up 1/100 of what is special about her.

I really like this analogy.

 

[gymgal]

We don't have a lot of L8s at our gym to learn from and I'll admit that I haven't done my homework as much as I should have. Our gym will sometimes move girls who have stagnated at a level for a couple of years up to the next level and let them compete less than stellar routines. Example, one of our L8s did CW-RO for her flight series. One of our L8s will do a FHS vault at regionals. I was under the impression that both of these examples aren't up to par with what others will be doing.

I assumed that the girls were either taking the deduction or maybe it wasn't required. Honestly, I guess I need to pay more attention to levels other than what my kid is currently competing rather than just giving everyone a cursory glance. Even HC shook her head at my ignorance and told me the DB wasn't needed until L9.

The great thing about optionals is that there are lots of ways to fulfill a requirement. a CW/RO is perfectly acceptable and should not give a deduction but the problem is it doesn't lead anywhere so most coaches/gymnasts don't do it, unless they can't get the more traditional bwo/bhs or bhs/bhs. The FHS has a lower start value already so the 'deduction' is built in. It is not unusual to see fhs vts in level 8, especially the really little/light girls, though it is unusual to see the fhs at regionals (at least in our area). The db on bars is never needed. It just happens to be one of the easier way to fulfill the requirement at L9 for most girls. but there are several other options, including twisting which some girls are better at than double flipping.

 

[Dora Cola]

PATIENCE, PATIENCE AND MORE PATIENCE!!! Most of these girls are perfectionist and very hard on themselves. They should never be made to feel bad about themselves. Eleven was the year my DD started with fears. I briefly tried counseling, Doc Ali, privates and bribing. I think taking her back to the basics and working back up slowly helped along with a lot of patience on everyones part.

 

[MeetDirector]

cbifoja -

Taking the pressure off by the coach is the way to go. Skills at these upper levels tend to come and go, but the impact seems bigger. My dd had a really nice level 10 beam series for her level 9 season and won Regionals. Come to her official level 10 season and wouldn't you know it her series is gone. She and the coach worked all season to get it back by going back to the basics and building up again. At these upper levels the routines are all about bonus and getting the skills that college coaches like to see. A double back will be needed on bars for level 9 and even more for level 10 (not trying to scare you). There are other ways to get into the DB that worked for my dd; she didn't like giants so she did the DB out of a free-hip handstand. The benefit is that it was a bonus due to connecting the skills.

Good Luck.

 

[sce]

That is funny because my 10year old is experiencing crazy hormonal things like that right now. It's really hard on her in gym because sometimes she starts crying and it's over nothing really. She just cries and it's not over a fall or a skill, just streaming tears. When I asked her what is going on she told me that she doesn't understand why the tears come and that she can't stop them. She loves gym and her friends and coaches, hormones are crazy! She asked why boys don't have hormone surges like her and I told her to just wait until she is married and she will see for herself that they do, just a little later in life it seems (LOL! Purely joking).

Poor girl, how frustrating. It's so hard to cry in front of others. FYI,boys have the issues while youn too. They just exhibit them differently. I live with a 13yo boy, so I see daily the crazy hormone ups and downs.

 

[sce]

cbifoja, I'm glad the coaches have eased her anxiety by backing off the skill. A couple things to help your dd on this journey. 1) Assure her that this is normal, there will be ups and downs, steps forwards and backwards (ie this is not a one time issue.) 2. You mentioned that she would be upset that you told the coaches. She needs to learn that communication between you, her and her coaches is curial. This outcome may not have happened if you had not talked with them. I work with my kids to talk with their coaches about their questions and concerns. Sometimes the kids want me to be part of the conversation, sometimes the kiss do it themselves. But please teach her that it's okay and even necessary to talk with the coaches.

 

[cbifoja]

I know that she definitely needs to communicate better with her coaches! Anytime she says something about gym or asks for help with a gym issue, the first thing I ask is "what does Coach X say/believe/feel?". I try to always bring stuff like that back to it being something that she and her coach should work through together.

But man when it comes to admitting anything that she perceives as being weak, DD just can't bring herself to do it. She craves her coach's approval SO much. I'm not even sure it's healthy, quite honestly. LOL

And to make it worse, she doesn't want me to tell her either. Last night when the other coach was giving all the parents updates, DD came out of the gym just as she was talking to me. DD's eyes narrowed in suspicion and in the car, she asked me immediately if I said anything to Coach Y.

I wish I could detach this stigma she sees with being fearful.

 

[lovegymnastics22]

But man when it comes to admitting anything that she perceives as being weak, DD just can't bring herself to do it. She craves her coach's approval SO much. I'm not even sure it's healthy, quite honestly. LOL

I know it's different with a 7YO, but I am dealing with the same thing. DD also craves approval and will not show weakness. Last night she came home with very bad painful scrapes on the back of her legs from vault (not little boo-boos but multiple serious long scratches that tore off the skin). I asked her what the coach said and she said she didn't tell him. I asked "how can he make it better if he doesn't even know you are hurt?" She told me "well, it was good when he told me I did a great vault." She was devastated at the idea that I would contact the coach to let him know. Her desire to get coaches (and any adults) approval makes her an easy kid to parent, teach, coach, etc., but I am very worried that she takes it to a level that is unhealthy. I did contact the coach just to let him know, because I've gotten to the point where even though I want to just let all this stuff stay in the gym, I feel like I have to speak up for her if she is not able to do it herself-- at least at this age until she can figure it out herself.

 

[Ali'sMom]

I know it's different with a 7YO, but I am dealing with the same thing. DD also craves approval and will not show weakness. Last night she came home with very bad painful scrapes on the back of her legs from vault (not little boo-boos but multiple serious long scratches that tore off the skin). I asked her what the coach said and she said she didn't tell him. I asked "how can he make it better if he doesn't even know you are hurt?" She told me "well, it was good when he told me I did a great vault." She was devastated at the idea that I would contact the coach to let him know. Her desire to get coaches (and any adults) approval makes her an easy kid to parent, teach, coach, etc., but I am very worried that she takes it to a level that is unhealthy. I did contact the coach just to let him know, because I've gotten to the point where even though I want to just let all this stuff stay in the gym, I feel like I have to speak up for her if she is not able to do it herself-- at least at this age until she can figure it out herself.

Yes, having a "pleaser" does have its benefits. But yes, sometimes she will need your help in speaking up. Over the years I've let the the coaches know little details about DD that she wouldn't say. It helped them realize what kind of child she is, and even better, it helped them coach her personality, not what they thought was her personality.
(i.e. in one practice, DD tooted while on the bars, and got mortally embarrassed. Went out for water to my mom. Ten minutes later hurt her hand on the bars. AGain, back out in tears. I was showing up at the same time. I thought she was really hurt, so I let her come home. Come to find out, she was so overwhelmingly embarrassed over the toot. Next time I saw the coach, she mentioned about DD's hurt hand, with a look like "such a cry baby" (rightfully so, IF that was the issue). I explained her hand was fine. That it was more that she was embarrassed. She almost didn't make it back into the gym. Coach said "Seriously? if she knew how many times I've tooted on the bars! LOL" So, during practice, they started talking about all embarrassing things they've done, etc, and everyone laughed, including DD, and DD never looked back. Now SHE even laughs about stuff like that about herself

If I hadn't said anything, she would have just kept holding it in (the embarrassment, not the toot! LOL), and I'm sure she would seem so much like the opposite kind of child than she is.

 

[sce]

I know that she definitely needs to communicate better with her coaches! Anytime she says something about gym or asks for help with a gym issue, the first thing I ask is "what does Coach X say/believe/feel?". I try to always bring stuff like that back to it being something that she and her coach should work through together.

But man when it comes to admitting anything that she perceives as being weak, DD just can't bring herself to do it. She craves her coach's approval SO much. I'm not even sure it's healthy, quite honestly. LOL

And to make it worse, she doesn't want me to tell her either. Last night when the other coach was giving all the parents updates, DD came out of the gym just as she was talking to me. DD's eyes narrowed in suspicion and in the car, she asked me immediately if I said anything to Coach Y.

I wish I could detach this stigma she sees with being fearful.

How you handle this will help her deal with it in a healthy way. She needs to know that you are all a team, her, you and the coach. Not telling the coach something does not help her gymnastics. You should probably be straight with her that you did tell the coach she was having emotional issues even at home over the dismount fear. And that that is partly why the coaches knew what she needed to address the problem. The coaches don't see her as any less, but they do understand her better. She's still young, set the proper tone now. While it is okay and normal to break down at home, it's her safe place, the coach needs to know where she's having issues so they can be properly addressed in the gym. No secrets.

 

[JoyAvenueMom]

I love the responses you are getting! Great advice for sure. I read in your OP all the doubt and frustration I have felt this year...wondering how to parent our kids through the really rough times. I have some thoughts to share. They may or may not apply to your situation. Kipper is also 10, and probably shares some characteristics with your dd and most other gymnasts: She is a perfectionist, she is goal oriented, wants to please and impress her coaches, and she has VERY high expectations for herself. However, there is one fact that significantly impacts how I have chosen to parent her through this sport. 99% of life is easy for her. School is easy, she makes friends easily, she has a beautiful singing voice, and is very creative. I am not saying that to brag, I don't think she is a prodigy in any of those areas. I'm just saying that the extreme difficulty of this sport could play an important role in teaching her how to handle adversity early in life, when everything else comes easy. I think this description fits a lot of our young athletes represented on this board. So, I never push, and I've made sure she knows that I'm proud of her efforts and amazed by her talent. It still breaks my heart to see her cry and struggle with fear and self doubt. But, I am learning to see her struggle as part of a process of learning who she is, what she is made of, and how to deal with the hard stuff of life. This past season she learned that she could survive being the last one to get a skill, even though it caused her weeks of anxiety. Also this year, she began to realize that her goals in this sport may not match her physical ability, and she had to decide that she was willing to risk failure by trying anyway. Both of those lessons were painful and have taken months to process, but I think the end result is a confident, happy athlete who has a deeper appreciation for her sport. I think we as parents still have to know where to draw the line so that sleepless nights, frequent tummy aches, and general unhappiness never become "normal". However, I am learning that the extreme adversity (self-induced, not because of outside pressure) is forging a strong little human whose self esteem is grounded in overcoming, rather than easy success. Accepting that as a fact has made it easier for me to deal with Kipper's struggles. HUGS! She's not done yet.

 

[Ali'sMom]

However, I am learning that the extreme adversity (self-induced, not because of outside pressure) is forging a strong little human whose self esteem is grounded in overcoming, rather than easy success. Accepting that as a fact has made it easier for me to deal with Kipper's struggles. HUGS! She's not done yet.

DD and I are learning this also. When she was getting 1st AA consistently, i was happy of course. Now, when she stays on the beam, even coming in 5th, I'm crying like a baby at what an accomplishment it is. She felt great getting those 1st's, but she feels AMAZING with the harder accomplishments. And as much as I love when things come easy for her, it's so much more when it wasn't easy.

Such a difficult thing, this parenting thing...

 

[duyetanh]

Parenting 101 is the hardest post highschool graduate course EVER. Just when you think you are acing the class, you get a whole new manual...

 

[duyetanh]

Ace-ing. Obviously I am not doing well in the course at present!

 

[Mom2-4]

Yes, having a "pleaser" does have its benefits. But yes, sometimes she will need your help in speaking up. Over the years I've let the the coaches know little details about DD that she wouldn't say. It helped them realize what kind of child she is, and even better, it helped them coach her personality, not what they thought was her personality.
(i.e. in one practice, DD tooted while on the bars, and got mortally embarrassed. Went out for water to my mom. Ten minutes later hurt her hand on the bars. AGain, back out in tears. I was showing up at the same time. I thought she was really hurt, so I let her come home. Come to find out, she was so overwhelmingly embarrassed over the toot. Next time I saw the coach, she mentioned about DD's hurt hand, with a look like "such a cry baby" (rightfully so, IF that was the issue). I explained her hand was fine. That it was more that she was embarrassed. She almost didn't make it back into the gym. Coach said "Seriously? if she knew how many times I've tooted on the bars! LOL" So, during practice, they started talking about all embarrassing things they've done, etc, and everyone laughed, including DD, and DD never looked back. Now SHE even laughs about stuff like that about herself

If I hadn't said anything, she would have just kept holding it in (the embarrassment, not the toot! LOL), and I'm sure she would seem so much like the opposite kind of child than she is.

My DD had a teammate toot on bars during a meet doing squat on. 4 years ago they still laugh about it. Dead silence then her parents laughed even the judges smiled a little. Fortunately not a shy kid but still pretty embarrassing at the time.

 

[strawberries]

Her coach told her today that she could take two steps back: land her flyaway then roll backward on her landing. DD decided that was too silly. So HC asked about scoop to landing on her back and DD thought that would be a good place to start. HC told her nothing more than that for at least two weeks. HC said you could see the anxiety leave DD's body when she was told that she was actually forbidden from doing anything more.

Hooray for her coach do forbidding it!

 

[strawberries]

"...FOR forbidding it," I meant, before the ever helpful spellcheck...