Parents How to handle this level of fear????

[cbifoja]

My DD is a 10 year old who will be an L8 next year unless something bizarre happens. This past season we saw our first fear issue creep in with her beam acro series (HS-BHS). She always competed it successfully but during practice exhibited lots of classic fear symptoms. She and her coach successfully worked through the issues and she is now solidly landing BHS BHS with no problem and no fear.

She has been landing double backs (bars) in the pit on an 8-incher for a couple of months now. They have been gorgeous....high and stuck landing, not even a step. She did a bad timer and is now afraid of the entire skill. Hasn't even tried a timer in several practices. She refuses to talk to her coach about it as well.

I need you to understand the level of fear I'm talking: multiple nights of crying herself to sleep, crying on the way to gym, talks of quitting (first time ever). The kid is absolutely terrified of even doing the timer now.

I've been doing all of the "CB-approved" things: leaving it to the coach, being positive, not coaching, not bribing, etc. But it is artificial in our relationship for me to say trite little "there, there, it will be all right" things and then leave it at that. She needs reassurance but I don't know what to say that helps. I reminded her that she and HC had successfully worked through previous fear. I asked her if she could ask for an alternate skill. I'm not saying the things that she needs to find comfort.

I did tell her coach (unknown to my DD who will be FURIOUS when she finds out) who was very calm and said "no biggie, we'll go back to timers for a while" but when I mentioned even doing just timers, DD started crying harder.

Is this puberty? Is this a legitimate fear? Is this her limit and she's done? Is there anything I can say to reassure her?

 

[ollieblueeyes]

I can't wait to hear the answers as you described my DD's situation pretty well. At times I think my stepping back and 'leaving it at the gym' has been received by her as me giving up and losing confidence in her. For what its worth, all the crying at night, questioning quitting etc. has stopped since the pressure was removed. So that was a really, really good thing. She still is not ready to go for it and does times upon timers at practice.

I have absolutely nothing to help you with this, just my empathy....

 

[GYM0M]

An 11 yo at our gym was (is) experiencing something a quite similar. Fear of flyaway after hitting her feet. Fear is almost irrational! It's been going on for months now and seemed to be getting worse. A couple of weeks ago, I chatted with her mom and found out that she recently had to start shaving under her arms and wearing deodorant for a reason. (All the little ones keep some in their locker for sweaty days, but they don't really have body odor!). My opinion, started out as fear that has been intensified by changing bodies and hormones. Maybe try talking to her about the 'changes' her body will soon be making and explain the emotional roller coaster that comes with it until her body figures itself out! My 11.5 was(is) extremely emotional leading up to the 'big' day, but thankfully, seems to level out a day or so after 'commencement.'

 

[profmom]

She's to move to L8 next year?

Stop. Just STOP working DB entirely. No DB drills, no timers, no nothin'. Take her back to the flyaway and just have her do that until she wants the DB more than she fears it. She can compete L8 bars with just a flyaway if it takes that long, but I bet it won't.

 

[gracyomalley]

Not sure what the best answer is but the one thing I would say is that from what you've posted your DD loves gymnastics - and she's very young still. Fears and puberty are NORMAL at the age/level she's approaching - and also very frustrating. For the kids the fear itself can be more scary than the skill - as in they are so used to being in control and just pushing through the little "hm, that looks a little scary" moments of lower level gym that the feeling of being truely out of control is in itself terrifying...and can lead to super high anxiety.

DD is a year ahead of your DD in this journey...and it is a journey that I would have never wanted to take, but its where gym took her (and I). The one thing I would never say is that you should look as this as possibly a sign that "she's reached her limit and is done" -THAT would be giving up on her - and I've now seen so many older gymnasts come back from terrifying fears/vestibular issues, etc that I know (and DD knows in her heart) that its done often...but it makes gymnastics sooooo much harder and less fun for them while they are in that place - so many kids appropriately do decide they don't want to wait it out. Maybe your DD will conquer this quickly or maybe it will lead to long term issues that eventually make her no longer love gym enough to dedicate so much time to it - but you have to sit back and prepare for months or possibly years of the process!

DB off bars is not at all required for L8 and just because she "can" do it doesn't mean she has to define herself by that feared skill. DD has lots of higher level stuff she "can" do....and both she and her most of her coaches (not the new bars guy she's struggling with) know that - but right now she's still at gym 9 months after falling apart with all of L8 other than her full ready to go...and just trying to keep on keeping on and find routines/skills she "feels good doing" while she finishes puberty, and hopefully her vestibular system figures itself out, her emotions and confidence stabilize and she figures out how to move foward. The skills are still there...and will come back perhaps even stronger once the kid is ready.

Its taken lots of time/counseling/patience and such for DD to get to where she is (which is basically almost where she was except she now feels like a below average gymnast instead of the top dog she felt like after doing so well at L7 a year ago...) - and she still has a good day where she tries something new or makes a plan that feels good for her and then a bad day where she sees stars doing free hips and can't make herself back tumble....it stinks as a parent - but the tears are much less than they were 9 months ago and we are looking at making sure the rest of her life is balanced - so "gym isn't everything" like it used to be - DD thinks this will actually help her in the long run at gym.

Lastly, I know that your DD has had some issues with certain coaches at her gym - and I have no idea what else is going on in her life - but for my DD coach issues/trust issues/family issues etc all contributed to her confidence collapse (which then made the actual gym issues insurmountable) this summer. And, as others have mentioned, hormones and body changes have been big bugaboos...we are working hard as a family to address all the "outside stuff" and as her mom I'm working hard to make sure she is surrounded by adult women/a few older gymnasts who will make her realize that although puberty is scary/hard/no one really wants to go through it that its not the end of the world. She really enjoyed watching a bigger L10 meet this year and realizing that most of them aren't 14 year old pre-pubertal tinies - most of them are 16-18 year old young women...and that their bodies look more like hers than like the 10 year old she used to be....I have no idea if any of this is happening to your DD yet - but it will...in some manner...so in short - her "over-reaction" to the skill issue is probably a whole ton of stuff all rolled into one...and what she needs from you is time and help unraveling all that.

Do let the coaches handle the skill part but make sure the overall gym atmosphere is more helpful than hurtful (as it will always have some of both at this age). GOOD LUCK

 

[sce]

Maybe set up a session with Doc Ali?

As a Mom I would reassure my child, that I hear that she is frustrated and upset. That,. it is tough to face a skill that is scary or after a scary fall. Maybe ask her to think about what she wants to do about it.

 

[gymgal]

definitely could be the hormones starting. we saw that around the same age. As hard as it is to do as a parent who wans to help fix it, what seems to work best is just to be matter of fact about it and say something like - "You have worked through other fears before. You will get through this one too. I am not worried about it and neither should you be. It is what it is. When your mind and body are ready, it will happen. It might not be in the time frame you or your coaches want it in but it will come." But when you say this, you have to mean it - you have to be ok with her repeating 7 (or whatever level). You have to have coaches who are ok with letting the skill evolve naturally, not forcing it (sounds like her coach is being patient) or bullying it out of her.

The more she believes it is a process, the easier it will be for her to let the pressure go and the skill should come back more easily. My dd hates it when I say the above to her because she says it doesn't help her get the skill but it is not meant to do that. It is meant to help change her mindset about gymnastics. It is not always an easy step by step progression forward. There can be lots of steps back and some sideways as well. Thankfully, dd has higher level girls whom she has seen go through this and in the end, they get whatever skill is problematic. So that helps he realize she is not alone and that it eventually happens.

I should add that I do not spend much time on this. I only address it briefly when she talks about it and then I push her to move on from it quickly.

And - she does not need a double back for level 8. Her gym may require it but it is not a level requirement. dd competed 8 last year and only the top gyms competed it. even at regionals, less than 50% competed it. dd didn't compete it all last year but it didn't matter in scores (except one meet but we won't go there...)

 

[cbifoja]

An 11 yo at our gym was (is) experiencing something a quite similar. Fear of flyaway after hitting her feet. Fear is almost irrational! It's been going on for months now and seemed to be getting worse. A couple of weeks ago, I chatted with her mom and found out that she recently had to start shaving under her arms and wearing deodorant for a reason. (All the little ones keep some in their locker for sweaty days, but they don't really have body odor!). My opinion, started out as fear that has been intensified by changing bodies and hormones. Maybe try talking to her about the 'changes' her body will soon be making and explain the emotional roller coaster that comes with it until her body figures itself out! My 11.5 was(is) extremely emotional leading up to the 'big' day, but thankfully, seems to level out a day or so after 'commencement.'

That's interesting. I don't see any "puberty" when I look at DD but she did mention having stinky pits one hot day. So I guess some changes are happening somewhere. Her pediatrician still feels she is at least a year out from menarche but I know there are so many changes that can happen before that.

 

[cbifoja]

She's to move to L8 next year?

Stop. Just STOP working DB entirely. No DB drills, no timers, no nothin'. Take her back to the flyaway and just have her do that until she wants the DB more than she fears it. She can compete L8 bars with just a flyaway if it takes that long, but I bet it won't.

I didn't realize that. The impression I get from her is that her coach is expecting her to compete that for L8. I think that she thinks it is a requirement. I'll definitely tell her and see if that makes her more receptive to talking to her coach. If not, then I'll just flat out ask the coach myself if she can just let it lie for a bit.

 

[GlobalNomad]

Mine is about where yours is. Last summer she had fears that were pretty bad. Lowering the pressure, going back to a point where she could do something, and lots of spotting fixed it for her. She's doing well now, so there is hope.

 

[gymgal]

That's interesting. I don't see any "puberty" when I look at DD but she did mention having stinky pits one hot day. So I guess some changes are happening somewhere. Her pediatrician still feels she is at least a year out from menarche but I know there are so many changes that can happen before that.

hormones hit LONG before you start to see anything physically. up to 2 years before and it can definitely affect emotional stability. BTW, if she isn't maturing physically yet, she likely is 2-3+ years away from menarche.

 

[cbifoja]

Not sure what the best answer is but the one thing I would say is that from what you've posted your DD loves gymnastics - and she's very young still. Fears and puberty are NORMAL at the age/level she's approaching - and also very frustrating. For the kids the fear itself can be more scary than the skill - as in they are so used to being in control and just pushing through the little "hm, that looks a little scary" moments of lower level gym that the feeling of being truely out of control is in itself terrifying...and can lead to super high anxiety.

DD is a year ahead of your DD in this journey...and it is a journey that I would have never wanted to take, but its where gym took her (and I). The one thing I would never say is that you should look as this as possibly a sign that "she's reached her limit and is done" -THAT would be giving up on her - and I've now seen so many older gymnasts come back from terrifying fears/vestibular issues, etc that I know (and DD knows in her heart) that its done often...but it makes gymnastics sooooo much harder and less fun for them while they are in that place - so many kids appropriately do decide they don't want to wait it out. Maybe your DD will conquer this quickly or maybe it will lead to long term issues that eventually make her no longer love gym enough to dedicate so much time to it - but you have to sit back and prepare for months or possibly years of the process!

DB off bars is not at all required for L8 and just because she "can" do it doesn't mean she has to define herself by that feared skill. DD has lots of higher level stuff she "can" do....and both she and her most of her coaches (not the new bars guy she's struggling with) know that - but right now she's still at gym 9 months after falling apart with all of L8 other than her full ready to go...and just trying to keep on keeping on and find routines/skills she "feels good doing" while she finishes puberty, and hopefully her vestibular system figures itself out, her emotions and confidence stabilize and she figures out how to move foward. The skills are still there...and will come back perhaps even stronger once the kid is ready.

Its taken lots of time/counseling/patience and such for DD to get to where she is (which is basically almost where she was except she now feels like a below average gymnast instead of the top dog she felt like after doing so well at L7 a year ago...) - and she still has a good day where she tries something new or makes a plan that feels good for her and then a bad day where she sees stars doing free hips and can't make herself back tumble....it stinks as a parent - but the tears are much less than they were 9 months ago and we are looking at making sure the rest of her life is balanced - so "gym isn't everything" like it used to be - DD thinks this will actually help her in the long run at gym.

Lastly, I know that your DD has had some issues with certain coaches at her gym - and I have no idea what else is going on in her life - but for my DD coach issues/trust issues/family issues etc all contributed to her confidence collapse (which then made the actual gym issues insurmountable) this summer. And, as others have mentioned, hormones and body changes have been big bugaboos...we are working hard as a family to address all the "outside stuff" and as her mom I'm working hard to make sure she is surrounded by adult women/a few older gymnasts who will make her realize that although puberty is scary/hard/no one really wants to go through it that its not the end of the world. She really enjoyed watching a bigger L10 meet this year and realizing that most of them aren't 14 year old pre-pubertal tinies - most of them are 16-18 year old young women...and that their bodies look more like hers than like the 10 year old she used to be....I have no idea if any of this is happening to your DD yet - but it will...in some manner...so in short - her "over-reaction" to the skill issue is probably a whole ton of stuff all rolled into one...and what she needs from you is time and help unraveling all that.

Do let the coaches handle the skill part but make sure the overall gym atmosphere is more helpful than hurtful (as it will always have some of both at this age). GOOD LUCK

She has mentioned for the first time of not knowing where she is in the air despite her coach saying that she has good air sense. I can't even imagine how terrifying that must be.

I really haven't given up on her. She amazes me. I'm in awe of what she can do. I just want to be realistic and I've read that some kids quit because they can't get that "gateway skill". I just wondered if this was a possibility. I don't want her to quit because of this because I think it would be really damaging to her perception of herself.

I've not thought to ask her if the coaching issue was affecting this. I've kind of had to sit on her a little bit because she was starting to use some disrespectful language that I can't tolerate from a 10 year old toward a 50 year old adult. So we are kind of at an uncomfortable truce about the coach. Might be time to re-open that wound and see which coach she was working with....which may or may not even be an issue.

 

[cbifoja]

definitely could be the hormones starting. we saw that around the same age. As hard as it is to do as a parent who wans to help fix it, what seems to work best is just to be matter of fact about it and say something like - "You have worked through other fears before. You will get through this one too. I am not worried about it and neither should you be. It is what it is. When your mind and body are ready, it will happen. It might not be in the time frame you or your coaches want it in but it will come." But when you say this, you have to mean it - you have to be ok with her repeating 7 (or whatever level). You have to have coaches who are ok with letting the skill evolve naturally, not forcing it (sounds like her coach is being patient) or bullying it out of her.

The more she believes it is a process, the easier it will be for her to let the pressure go and the skill should come back more easily. My dd hates it when I say the above to her because she says it doesn't help her get the skill but it is not meant to do that. It is meant to help change her mindset about gymnastics. It is not always an easy step by step progression forward. There can be lots of steps back and some sideways as well. Thankfully, dd has higher level girls whom she has seen go through this and in the end, they get whatever skill is problematic. So that helps he realize she is not alone and that it eventually happens.

I should add that I do not spend much time on this. I only address it briefly when she talks about it and then I push her to move on from it quickly.

And - she does not need a double back for level 8. Her gym may require it but it is not a level requirement. dd competed 8 last year and only the top gyms competed it. even at regionals, less than 50% competed it. dd didn't compete it all last year but it didn't matter in scores (except one meet but we won't go there...)

I have been trying to take the approach you suggest. And I would be fine if she repeated L7 although I wouldn't really see the reason since the DB isn't required for L8 like I thought. I just don't want her to think that I'm minimizing her feelings/fears because with all of her issues in life, we usually have pretty deep and frequent conversations. I can just handle the life/social stuff better than the gym stuff!

We are at a small gym and unfortunately DD doesn't have the mental block role models that your DD has. We will only have one L9 next year so DD is already hitting the ceiling for our gym. She has injury role models but few mental role models.

No, our gym doesn't require it. I thought it was a level requirement and that the other L8s were just taking a deduction. We don't have a lot of L8s anyway so I haven't really been paying close enough attention.

 

[cbifoja]

BTW, if she isn't maturing physically yet, she likely is 2-3+ years away from menarche.

Thank GOD!!!!! LOL

 

[gopuckgo]

Double backs in 8 are nice but not necessary at all. In fact the highest bar scores at the state championships were girls who "stuck" their layout flyaway. Another girl did a beautiful DB and took a step. Got beat by a simple, clean layout. She has plenty of time.

 

[cbifoja]

Thank you everyone for the time you took to share your personal experiences with me. It is so helpful to me to read about your gymmies and their teammates fighting through things like this. It really does.

You've given me a lot of things to think about and I am very appreciative for you all. Not trying to shut down the conversation, just wanted to get all mushy for a sec.

 

[JMACAZ]

No real advice-my DD is afraid of the flyaay and has not gone past timers yet...Just wanted to send positive thoughts for your DD. From all you have shared she sounds like an amazing girl who lacks the support at times she needs in the gym. It is obvious she gets it from you at home. Wishing her the best of luck.

 

[MeetDirector]

cbifoja -

Being at the end of our gymnastics road, I can only say that this is normal during a gymnast's career. I can personally attest that a parent trying to "help" solve this is the worst thing that can happen. The last thing that they want is to continue to harp on these things outside the gym. They will figure out how to solve the problem with the assistance of their coach. The parent has to be the cheerleader and shoulder to cry on and "keep the home fires burning" as they say.

Good luck and hang in there. It really sucks to see our girls hurting, but I can tell you with certainty that it makes them stronger.

 

[Aussie_coach]

Teach her a different skill! She is an optional gymnast she doesn't need to do double backs for now, there are a nu,ber of different dismount options. There is no need to push it when she is displaying that level of fear. It's not worth losing her from gymmastics altogether over this skill. Once she is confidently doing lots of double backs on floor it will seem easy to her.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

She's to move to L8 next year?

Stop. Just STOP working DB entirely. No DB drills, no timers, no nothin'. Take her back to the flyaway and just have her do that until she wants the DB more than she fears it. She can compete L8 bars with just a flyaway if it takes that long, but I bet it won't.

This and to take it a step further. Why L8 or quit. Why not L8 when she is ready. As in if not age 10-11, why not 11-12.

Take the pressure of the time line off her.