Parents I had to ban my daughter from talking about gym on the way home.

[my4buffaloes]

I always read on here that as parents we shouldn't talk about gymnastics with our kids on the way home, or not at all, or whenever. We always talk about it, always have. Even if I don't bring it up, my dd talks about. Except it has gotten to the point that as soon as we get in the car I get the run down on all the negative things that happened. This just resulted in her crying and me wanting to pull her from gymnastics. Has been getting worse for a few months now.

So Friday night i finally told her that we shouldn't talk about gymnastics in the car on the way home unless it was something really postitive. I only want to hear the good things and I don't want either one of us dwelling on the bad. I am anxious for this week to see if that helps things any. Things always seem worse late at night after a full day of school and 4 hour practice. Sleep on it, get a new perspective and we can talk all you want in the am.

I hope I did the right thing, has anyone else had to do this?

 

[mumoftwogymnasts]

Oh gosh yes I feel your pain because the same happens here with both my gymnasts. I think the combination of a full day of school, homework, travelling to gym, three hour practices, tired, hungry and late at night is just dynamite.

We haven't totally banned gym talk, I will allow a few minutes of venting - but I never ask for details and I never comment much more than a "hmmm or aha". Then I try and move the conversation and them onto dinner, shower and bedtime.
I used to stress when they came home really upset, but found after I had tossed and turned all night that they got up the next morning with a much more realistic perspective of the previous nights training.

 

[Deleted member D3987]

no, no, no. they have to have someone that they can not only 'vent' on/to but also with someone they trust. this is one of the unfortunate parts of being an athletes parent. this helps you to know your child/gymnast better. as a parent, you only know them as your child. you never see the 'other' child. the one that is the athlete. stay quiet. don't offer opinions. don't judge. just listen quietly. it's the best thing that you can do for your child. and you never know when something will jump out at you and you may want to intervene.

eta: you could tell her for every negative there must be 2 positives when she talks. lay that as a foundation. then let her talk.

 

[Esoteric]

With both of my daughters- regardless of the whos, whats, wheres, whens, or whys- I am ALWAYS available to listen- even if it sometimes is a drag. One thing I require as part of our bedtime routine is that they each have to write two positives that happened during the day. It could be something they saw or were a direct participant in. I find that if either of them are being negative I just gently ask if they have found their "positives" yet. It often helps them keep things in perspective.
My heart goes out to you, though. I *fortunately* have a gym chat obsessed little one who very rarely has anything negative to report....yet. I do know how difficult it can be when you have a child that seems to get incessantly bummed out over a particular situation, though. Let them work it out and be a sounding board for them. I definitely recommend NEVER making any topic taboo, though. We all really want our kiddos to feel comfortable talking to us about anything and need to set that example early and often. Good luck.

 

[JessLW]

Thinking about it, I do this about my job. It doesn't always mean I hate my job either, just that at the end of a long day there's bound to be stuff that irritated me, that I need to get off my chest. It used to drive my husband up the wall, until I told him that really, I was just venting. I wasn't asking him to solve my work problems or give advice, I just wanted him to listen.

That said, with my job, I do try to keep mental note of when I'm slipping into "more negatives than positives" mode, so that I can be aware, before my feelings start verging into resentment or straight up misery, that a change might be needed. So with your daughter, I would listen to her vent, but always gently remind her that if she is feeling more negative than positive about gymnastics, it is ok to think about quitting, or switching gyms. Just let her know that you are there for her and will support her regardless. Much like when I left my job (and ended up getting a new, awesome job soon after) awhile back, it was really really important to me that my family supported my decision, that I had their "permission" to prioritize my happiness. Kids can't really put things in those terms, but I do think the same applies, they need to know that their feelings are ok and valid.

 

[Kiwi]

My DD and I always talk about gym on the way home in the car. Some days she doesn't really want to talk about it much, so I don't push it. If she's had a bad day I try to help her talk it through (because if she doesn't she will stew about it and get anxious for days). I always try to get something positive in there, e.g. I'll often ask her what she enjoyed most or thought went well today. Some days she can give a specific answer, other days she can't think of anything specific, but I try to put something positive in there as a balance to any problems or negatives (because I think she tends to focus on the negatives and forget the positives).

I've read here that some people say you shouldn't talk gym in the car after training, but for my DD I think it can be helpful. I'm definitely not the CGM grilling her about every little imperfection. I am trying to help her learn to work through things, rather than bottling things up and worrying about them alone.

 

[Flossyduck]

Oh dear, I think many of us can identify with how you feel! All I would say is to try not to worry too much about the fact that your daughter wants to say negative things immediately after. Like mumoftwogymnasts I used to fret all night only to find that my daughter would wake up the next morning bouncing around and saying 'by the way I (insert something positive here) at gym last night'.

When they first start gym it's all fab and exciting and they don't seem to have anything bad to say and it's all they want to talk about. When it gets a bit more serious and the practices get longer and harder they are tired, hungry and innevitably lots of things will not have gone according to plan. It also means they've worked out that they need to hold it all together in the gym and save up the venting for home, which is the right way round at least!

I let my daughter ramble on, good or bad, if she wants to. Sometimes I might say something like 'did anyone comment on your new leotard/hair, did you like those cola flavoured raisins' or whatever I think might get a smile, but in any case I hang on to the knowledge that by the next morning she will be bouncing and smiling again.

I'm guessing it'll only get tougher and I might be needed to support her with things far worse than she might go through at the moment.

 

[wallinbl]

you never know when something will jump out at you and you may want to intervene.

This. She'd be in an awful spot if something bad were happening and she felt she wasn't supposed to talk about it because it was negative.

 

[kimskids]

I personally do not press my daughter for gym talk but if she chooses to talk about it I am great with it. My daughter is one of the ones who usually does not want to talk about gymnastics once she is in the car. I usually just ask how practice was or maybe ask if anything interesting happened. This kind of leaves it up to her if she wants to talk about it. I think all the posts about leaving gymnastics at the gym were to keep parents from grilling kids in the car about every detail of practice when they are trying to unwind. I know my daughter can get cranky in the car after a full day of school and 3 hour practice so I make sure to bring her a snack for the ride home and let her lead the conversation.

 

[Natasha]

no, no, no. they have to have someone that they can not only 'vent' on/to but also with someone they trust. this is one of the unfortunate parts of being an athletes parent. this helps you to know your child/gymnast better. as a parent, you only know them as your child. you never see the 'other' child. the one that is the athlete. stay quiet. don't offer opinions. don't judge. just listen quietly. it's the best thing that you can do for your child. and you never know when something will jump out at you and you may want to intervene.

eta: you could tell her for every negative there must be 2 positives when she talks. lay that as a foundation. then let her talk.

I completely agree. I know it is hard to listen to all the negative. So many of our daughters are perfectionists and so they can easily dwell on what went wrong. On the bad days I let my daughter vent about the negative and I do not try to "solve" any of her problems (Which is easy since it is usually about some skill she is working on and I wouldn't have a clue what she needs to do). After I acknowledge her frustration then she is usually ready for me to ask her about what went right. And, almost always there is something. Sometimes even more good than bad (Lots of times 3 events went really good, it was just that one skill on one event!)
Other times my dd is just really tired, and so we talk about that too, and how things will look better when she gets some rest.

If you dd is crying almost every night for months now, it may be time to look at what is going on a little more. Does she need a break? Is she just really tired and needs to cut back some hours? Has she talked about wanting to quit?

One more note- even though it is hard to listen to all the negative, be grateful that you have a relationship with your dd that she wants to share it all with you. Some kids will not share the negative with their parents, which is far more dangerous than dwelling on the bad.

 

[AlexsGymmyMom]

We do not usually talk about gymnastics on the way home but I always ask how practice went, just like I always ask how school went. Most of the time I get the pre-teen answer (it was fine).....

 

[avggymmom]

I think you got a lot of good insight from others. Just wanted to add...

Not sure if this will help with your child, but I have observed that my child's emotional state is directly dependent on what she has (or has not had) to eat during the day and during practice. We have definitely switched to "slow release" snacks such as apples/applesauce, string cheese, nuts (there are many others out there). I have noticed many nights after practice an almost immediate change in her emotional stability once she has eaten. I attribute it (rightly or wrongly) to blood/sugar level. I have noticed that on nights when she is at her worst I open her snack bag to find it still full. I do not always see her before practice and I obviously have no control over her during practice to make sure she eats right, but I have tried (several times) to help her understand how important it is to make sure she takes the time to eat right during the day.

And, as others have said, I think I have come to terms with the fact that being a mom means you need to listen to their complaints (and in my case, stress over them - because that is the way I am) and realize that you can't fix everything. But, you can give them a big hug and some comfort knowing that after a bad day at least they can come home to your arms.

 

[my4buffaloes]

Lots of great advice here, thanks so much! We have always talked about practice and she has always initiated it. The past few months have become more and more negative though and I was trying to stop that. Rather than ban it, I think I will just say that I also want to hear positives. I love that she will talk to me and I really don't want to stop that, but she really does seem to be dwelling on the negative lately.

As the group is uptraining other girls are getting new skills right and left and she has been struggling and that is really frustrating to her. Thanks so much for the great advice, banning it really isn't the best approach I guess. Thanks for giving me perspective!

 

[LizzieLac]

Such a tough position - I understand where you are coming from. My DD also can get negative or complain too much. I have found that when I try to do what I think is "pep talk" in reponse, it often becomes a debate. So, I have decided that I need to be very careful about my reponses so the emotions don't escalate. However, I do want to hear what is going on and how she feels about her practice, what she might be struggling with, or what the coach might have said. I therefore try to keep the option open. I always ask the simple question of how was practice, just like I might ask how was school.

Good luck!

 

[GymBee97]

Well I don't ban the discussion on her gym ever but I also won't initiate it either. If my Dd wants to talk on the way home about gym then I will talk to her about it - it's fresh in her mind and she wants me to hear what ever it is. It might be the only moment that she feels comfortable to discuss it when its just us.

Over all any conversation any of my children want to have with me is always encouraged.

Your DD is trying to tell you something. She is crying and telling you how bad it is - Honestly I would listen and start to think either she really doesn't want to be there doing gymnastics or she loves gymnastics and is so unhappy with what ever is going on. I think it might be time to start looking for a new gym and doing some tryouts. She should be talking about how great it is and how happy she is and just can't wait to go back.

 

[gymmomtoo]

If you're hearing the same negative things all the time, I would ask her how she would like to address that. What can she do to help improve things? She might come back with "I want to quit" or she might say "I would like a private to work on..." and if she says "I don't know!" you can suggest things like, "how about asking your coach" or suggesting a meeting with you, her and the coach (if she's shy and doesn't want to approach herself).

I love the idea to list two positives for every negative too. If she's focusing more on the negative now (and they all struggle at one point or another when it doesn't seen like they are going to get the skills others are flying through), then having her pick out positive things will help.

 

[my4buffaloes]

We are not considering switching gyms and we won't. Her frustrations revolve around her not being able to get skills, or maybe having a rough night with a particular skill that she normally does fine. I have suggested she ask her coaches. She doesn't speak up much, so I have tried to give her examples of exactly what to say. I don't know if she asks or not. I really think so much of it is that she is tired after a long week - which not makes things seem worse than they are, but also make it more difficult to have a good practice when you are tired.

 

[jsfofec]

Her frustrations revolve around her not being able to get skills, or maybe having a rough night with a particular skill that she normally does fine.

Learning skills are a funny thing. Everybody picks them up a different pace. She may have the hardest time on skill A, but then on skill B, she can do it in her sleep while the others may struggle. The more frustrated she gets with a skill, the harder it becomes because she's so frustrated...it can be a viscous circle. Sometimes they just need to step back and relax...although it's hard to teach a kid that.

There's a level 5 at DD's gym who is by far the most talented of all the new 5's, but suddenly she lost her kip and hasn't been able to get it back yet. So now she's stressing, her mom is stressing...the only one not stressing is her coach, who knows she'll get it back and be just fine. Eventually she'll get it back and then just excel past the other ones in her group...it's just a little bump in the road.

Just continue listening when she wants to talk about it and reinforce your support for her. She will get through this and be just fine.

 

[J&A's mom]

my son's car ride home depends on how he did on the last thing. If that didn't go well, I remind him of other things that I saw that were great. This seems to be a weird time, as they are learning skills for the next level up. He doesn't seem to be getting them as fast as he got the skills of the level before.

 

[Deleted member D3987]

that's right. it's the life of the gymnast. a never ending uphill battle against a force of nature and biology. gravity & anatomy..