I'm not sure if the happiness is genuine....

[myeyeson_u]

Hi everyone! Sorry this is gonna be a little long, but I don't know how to handle this situation. So my dd has really been into gymnastics since she was 7. We relocated states (VA) when she was 6 (got out of the military and moved back home to Illinois), and didn't get back into gymnastics until Aug 2011. She did rec, then was asked to join L 2/3 Dec 2011. She then quit around Mar/Apr 2012. She came back to the gym Aug 2012 & was asked to join L4 in Oct. She didn't compete old L4 because of when she joined the team, or so I was told. I moved to a region 8 state July 2013 & the gym she's at now, she's on Xcel Silver. The gym didn't want to do the new USAG change, so they went the Xcel way. And they placed her there because she hadn't competed.

They've since had two meets and the first meet my dd placed first in every event. We had a meet yesterday, & she placed 1st in bars and a.a, and 2nd in everything else. There are 11 girls on the team. Out of the 10, excluding mine, I think maybe two or three parents are genuine when they're congratulating us. The rest, I feel it's fake. They chatter and they whisper. Or they give these looks. One parent said "I'm a little disappointed Trinity didn't get first place in all of her events this time around". And then he smiled. He was joking, yes. But I felt like he was happy she didn't. I keep a smile on my face & let my baby know I'm proud of her and to keep up the great work. Maybe it's a good thing they feel threatened by her talent. But I don't want to feel isolated

 

[mOm2gymnast<3]

This is a hard one as I am experiencing the same right now with my dd. last meet my dd placed 1st on every event but vault. A dad congratulated and uttered "wow! You can't loose can't you??? And Bohoo all the same blue color
Ribbons!" I was in shock and just pulled my daughter to the side and hugged her and told her she did awesome and we are so proud of her. I guess, those parent are everywhere. I say don't mind them and just concentrate on your dd.

 

[Midwestmommy]

Don't overanalyze it...just accept the congratulations with humility and grace, right? I'm a pretty nice person, I think, and it's much easier for me to feel happy for a modest, kind athlete who supports her teammates, than for the one who comes across as cocky or superior (not saying that you or your daughter come across this way, just saying heck it's complicated). I try to teach my own daughter to be modest and supportive of others verbally, but to be a tiger on the apparatus. That's not easy for all kids. It also seems to come for them with time--with experience most of these girls will go through a bad day or injury, and that's when that they learn how important the support from their teammates is, and that lesson helps them learn to be humble and supportive of others. I can't count the number of times my daughter grumbled in the car about an athlete (often a new fiesty young one) who is bragging it up at practice or being pushy or whatever. I just tell her to be patient, and to remember to be a friend on the day that athlete has some of the wind taken out of their sails (happens to all of them). Those lessons are one of the reasons they are in this crazy sport...

It's also easier for me to be genuinely happy for someone who places better than my own kid when they both had an awesome day. Hard to be "genuinely" happy when you see your own kid who had great hopes for the meet trying to smile through the heartbreak of a fall and a bad day. It's also easier to be happy for ALL of them if the team has a great day. Or if I had enough sleep... Or got a good cup of coffee... Or if my pants aren't too tight that day. Or if the weather is decent for the trip home... But I still congratulate and try to be happy for everyone on her team, because it's the right thing to do. But some days it's harder than others, but saying it is half of feeling it...

So just enjoy the day and the success and don't worry about the others too much other than being genuinely nice yourself. It is hard to hear chatter and whispers, and grownup women can act like junior high brats sometimes in this regard. Ignore it and pretend they are admiring your fabulous new hairdo or asking each other to borrow a tampon or something.

You can only control you, and just decide to be happy and enjoy it!! Not every day will be that great, so enjoy em when you get em!!!

 

[gymmiemom]

All you can really do is handle with most class you possibly can muster. I have been there with my DD as well. She is typically the highest AA scorer on her team and I have felt the same vibes you are feeling. All you can really do is smile and say thank you and make sure that you congratualte her teammates as well. Make sure she does too.

It is very fun to see your child basically "sweep" a meet. BUT it is important to remember that there WILL come a point in time when it isn't your DD on the top or there will be a skill that she is struggling with that everyone else has gotten..... so with that said, try not to let your hurt feelings show. Just keep trying to be a team player because someday you might be seeing things from the other parents perspective.

Congrats to your DD on her meet!

 

[gymdog]

I would say "thanks! We thought (his daughters name) did amazing too! I'm so impressed with how all the girls have improved."

And personally I would go to a gym that competes compulsories.

 

[bookworm]

It is very fun to see your child basically "sweep" a meet. BUT it is important to remember that there WILL come a point in time when it isn't your DD on the top or there will be a skill that she is struggling with that everyone else has gotten..... so with that said, try not to let your hurt feelings show. Just keep trying to be a team player because someday you might be seeing things from the other parents perspective.

Congrats to your DD on her meet!

As my husband has said in the past, "everyone might be rooting for her, but they're not all rooting for her to win" ...there are nasty people out there in every aspect of life and sadly, you've been exposed to this side of the "not so nice" parents on your team...lay low and ignore them..

 

[myeyeson_u]

Don't overanalyze it...just accept the congratulations with humility and grace, right? I'm a pretty nice person, I think, and it's much easier for me to feel happy for a modest, kind athlete who supports her teammates, than for the one who comes across as cocky or superior (not saying that you or your daughter come across this way, just saying heck it's complicated). I try to teach my own daughter to be modest and supportive of others verbally, but to be a tiger on the apparatus. That's not easy for all kids. It also seems to come for them with time--with experience most of these girls will go through a bad day or injury, and that's when that they learn how important the support from their teammates is, and that lesson helps them learn to be humble and supportive of others. I can't count the number of times my daughter grumbled in the car about an athlete (often a new fiesty young one) who is bragging it up at practice or being pushy or whatever. I just tell her to be patient, and to remember to be a friend on the day that athlete has some of the wind taken out of their sails (happens to all of them). Those lessons are one of the reasons they are in this crazy sport...

It's also easier for me to be genuinely happy for someone who places better than my own kid when they both had an awesome day. Hard to be "genuinely" happy when you see your own kid who had great hopes for the meet trying to smile through the heartbreak of a fall and a bad day. It's also easier to be happy for ALL of them if the team has a great day. Or if I had enough sleep... Or got a good cup of coffee... Or if my pants aren't too tight that day. Or if the weather is decent for the trip home... But I still congratulate and try to be happy for everyone on her team, because it's the right thing to do. But some days it's harder than others, but saying it is half of feeling it...

So just enjoy the day and the success and don't worry about the others too much other than being genuinely nice yourself. It is hard to hear chatter and whispers, and grownup women can act like junior high brats sometimes in this regard. Ignore it and pretend they are admiring your fabulous new hairdo or asking each other to borrow a tampon or something.

You can only control you, and just decide to be happy and enjoy it!! Not every day will be that great, so enjoy em when you get em!!!

Thanks! I am that Mom that cheers for all the girls on the team whether they're my daughter or not. They need that support system. And I'm pleasant all the time, even though I feel some of the moms dislike me because of my daughter. The girls are just happy to be there competing and even happier when they win. It's the parents who get like this. But it is what it is. I will stay positive

 

[myeyeson_u]

I would say "thanks! We thought (his daughters name) did amazing too! I'm so impressed with how all the girls have improved."

And personally I would go to a gym that competes compulsories.

I actually did say that his daughter did well. But he was being cynical. And I'm sure he was happy that my dd didn't place first on everything, which was fine. Of course I hope for it. But it's not the end of the world.

And we do compete compulsory. They do L4 and they're adding L5 next season. No L6 though.

 

[myeyeson_u]

As my husband has said in the past, "everyone might be rooting for her, but they're not all rooting for her to win" ...there are nasty people out there in every aspect of life and sadly, you've been exposed to this side of the "not so nice" parents on your team...lay low and ignore them..

Your husband said it best, I guess. Some do root for her to do well, most definitely. But that's about it. Besides family and maybe two parents, no one else congratulated her. Her teammates may have. It's just sad that it's like this. But I'm glad I got exposed to it early on, so that I know how to handle it as she progresses.

 

[raenndrops]

Keep being you. Keep encouraging and cheering for all the girls. Eventually, the "good parents" will see it for what it's worth, and you will have REAL friendly faces around!

 

[cbifoja]

I'm going to try not to be mean about this....but seriously???? Your daughter WON! She won. Isn't that enough of a reward?

I know that when my daughter doesn't do well, I'm concerned about her, not necessarily her teammate. I won't be rude, but I'm also not going to be in the mood to fawn over another child. I'll give a smile, high five, and a congrats, but then I'm going to go deal with any disappointment my child might have.

Maybe their happiness isn't genuine, but if they are making an effort, then in my opinion that should be enough. I've had some passive aggressive remarks made when my DD has had a successful meet but I understood they were coming from someone else's disappointment and took it as such. I didn't feel the need to make sure that they congratulate my daughter enough because why should they have their noses rubbed in my child's success on a day that maybe their child wasn't as successful.

To me, that's like winning the lottery and then complaining because they paid out your win in $50 instead of $100.

And I echo the poster who warned that your DD may not always be on the top of the podium. And believe me, it is a hard fall to go from 1st and 2nd at every meet to only getting one or two medals at a meet. It can be a very humbling experience so enjoy those medals every single time your DD gets them and don't let someone take any of that joy away from you! But do keep in mind that you don't need someone else's validation of your child's accomplishment.

 

[gymmom8772]

I hate to say it but it is the nature of the beast! Gymnastics is a very competitive sport and a lot of the time the parents are even more competitive. You can't take it too personally if possible. When your daughter is beating someone else's it is hard for them to be overly happy for you, it is what it is sadly. I was on your side of the fence last year with my daughter on the podium at every meet and beating everyone on her team. The parents were always kind and polite but at the same time there is always that bit of awkwardness. This year has been completely different and it has been very humbling for my daughter and for me and her father, like the earlier poster said. It is not always easy to have your kid going out there and not doing that well, believe me. It has given me a different perspective and also better understanding of both sides. That's not to say the parents ever have the right to be nasty but just don't expect them to be overly happy either.

 

[GYM0M]

DD has been on the top, been in the middle, and been on the bottom! It seems like you and the other parents are relatively new to competitions. No one knows what to expect, much less how they will react to the way the podium ends up. Do not put too much emphasis on their reactions right now. The most important thing here is to remember is to be humble! Be humble when DD is on top, and be humble when she's not. Be the same person no matter what the standings are! Sometimes it's harder than others. Even when a meet comes up that hard to stomach bc ur DD is riddled with tears of disappointment and has the wind knocked out of her sails, smile and find smaller accomplishments that will cheer her up! I always try to congratulate each one of DD team mates on a specific part of their meet! Wow, gorgeous handstand on beam! Way to stick your dismount! Things like that. It has a tendency to to encourage the 'team.' We even congratulate other competitors after the meet! However, I will admit that sometimes my gut wrenches so much that eating that trying to swallow that humble pie makes me sick! It's not the poise and dignity that these girls have after winning, but having the same poise and dignity after a difficult meet that makes them champions!

 

[profmom]

I have two gymnasts. One is consistently pretty close to the top of his team, and the other is pretty consistently close to the bottom of her team. Regardless of which one's meet I'm at, I just try to be as positive as I can about the other gymnasts with whom they are competing, because they ARE a team. It took me a while before I got to the place with DD (the older gymnast) that I could set aside my concerns enough about how she was feeling if she'd had a rough meet to congratulate the parents of the rock stars enthusiastically and without reservation. It also took me a while to figure out how to respond to other parents' compliments for DS without feeling embarrassed or like I was bragging if things had gone well.

What works for me is trying to find the good in every child's meet. Maybe she fell on floor, stank on vault, wobbled hopelessly on beam, but made all of her kips beautifully for the first time ever. The mom/dad who will be driving that child home will be glad to hear that you noticed the kips. Maybe she rocked everything, but in particular did an amazing handstand on beam. Same thing.

You're in a long-term relationship with the other team parents. I think the best course is always to assume benign motivations behind any comment, and if something comes off wrong, chalk it up to awkwardness rather than jealousy or negative feelings toward your child. And Gymom is so right about being the same person no matter where your child finishes.

 

[rsm]

I would say take whatever is said at face value, say thank you, find something nice to say about their DD, and move on. Yes, others may not be as excited as you, or may be dwelling on their own daughters, but hopefully at least they said something fairly nice. Don't try to second guess their intent, because you can be misreading fatigue, hunger, grumpiness, or even disappointment in their own DD as somehow being a reflection on you or your DD. I don't always find my way to congratulate everyone after a meet. Sometimes because I've been there for 3 or 4 hours, and I'm just ready to leave. So just keep being who you are, find something nice to say about their DDs whenever you get a in conversation with them, and I bet they'll come around.

 

[myeyeson_u]

I'm going to try not to be mean about this....but seriously???? Your daughter WON! She won. Isn't that enough of a reward?

I know that when my daughter doesn't do well, I'm concerned about her, not necessarily her teammate. I won't be rude, but I'm also not going to be in the mood to fawn over another child. I'll give a smile, high five, and a congrats, but then I'm going to go deal with any disappointment my child might have.

Maybe their happiness isn't genuine, but if they are making an effort, then in my opinion that should be enough. I've had some passive aggressive remarks made when my DD has had a successful meet but I understood they were coming from someone else's disappointment and took it as such. I didn't feel the need to make sure that they congratulate my daughter enough because why should they have their noses rubbed in my child's success on a day that maybe their child wasn't as successful.

To me, that's like winning the lottery and then complaining because they paid out your win in $50 instead of $100.

And I echo the poster who warned that your DD may not always be on the top of the podium. And believe me, it is a hard fall to go from 1st and 2nd at every meet to only getting one or two medals at a meet. It can be a very humbling experience so enjoy those medals every single time your DD gets them and don't let someone take any of that joy away from you! But do keep in mind that you don't need someone else's validation of your child's accomplishment.

If I read your post in a way that could offend me, then yes, I'd maybe feel some type of way. I never said her winning wasn't rewarding. Nor did I say I was seeking validation from anyone. You read what you read and formed your opinion based on what you thought I said, cool. You're entitled to that. But all I was saying is I don't think some of the parents "supposed" happiness for my dd's win is genuine. And I feel isolated from the group. That's it! I'm entitled to think what I think and feel the way I feel.

Regardless of who wins what and places what on the team, I treat all the parents the same. I could have huffed and puffed or acted like them because my dd didn't place first on floor this time around. But another girl on her team did. I didn't need to go and console my child because she wasn't upset/disappointed about it. I'm sure she wanted first place, but she was happy to win a medal. It's the PARENTS that make it personal, most of the time.

But I'm new to this. So maybe I had different expectations. I will keep doing what I've been doing

 

[myeyeson_u]

I hate to say it but it is the nature of the beast! Gymnastics is a very competitive sport and a lot of the time the parents are even more competitive. You can't take it too personally if possible. When your daughter is beating someone else's it is hard for them to be overly happy for you, it is what it is sadly. I was on your side of the fence last year with my daughter on the podium at every meet and beating everyone on her team. The parents were always kind and polite but at the same time there is always that bit of awkwardness. This year has been completely different and it has been very humbling for my daughter and for me and her father, like the earlier poster said. It is not always easy to have your kid going out there and not doing that well, believe me. It has given me a different perspective and also better understanding of both sides. That's not to say the parents ever have the right to be nasty but just don't expect them to be overly happy either.

We are new to this. A couple of the moms have daughters who have been competing. So they're not. And maybe that's why they are the way they are because it's not new to them. And they expect their lower level daughters to do well. But I got it. I will take it w/ a grain of salt. Thanks!

 

[iwannacoach]

I think the parents who clumsily acknowledge a team's top performers are suffering, in their mind, because they wanted more for their child. It's a tough emotional balancing act to feel your child's disappointment while simultaneously patting someone else's child on the back.

There are many parents who understand the need to accept another child's accomplishments, but in the post meet atmosphere are unable to gracefully do so in a convincing manner. It may be difficult for you to get past a parent's "tilted" emotions over their child because you want to frame your experience as a fellow team parent with altruistic support that is rarely found in a post meet atmosphere.

All you can do is to accept every pat on the back as genuine and react in kind. You'll learn after a longer run in the sport that most of those around you hold no grudge over your child's successes, and that none of us are anything more than human.

 

[Bajanswife]

The best meet for me is one in which DD is not placed in the same award group as her closest friends and teammates, so they are not competing directly against each other. It's awkward when your child does brilliantly and her friend doesn't, or vice versa. Sometimes the congratulations are a bit stilted. But there is never an excuse for snarky or catty remarks masquerading themselves as congratulations. It is better to just smile and say nothing at all if you can't be genuine. But you will come across all types of people and all types of reactions in this sport, and you have to learn to just let things roll off your back. Act the right way yourself, and don't concern yourself too much with those who don't. I know, easier said than done!

 

[gymdog]

We are new to this. A couple of the moms have daughters who have been competing. So they're not. And maybe that's why they are the way they are because it's not new to them. And they expect their lower level daughters to do well. But I got it. I will take it w/ a grain of salt. Thanks!

So your daughter is the highest scorer on the team? Or do you think they're targeting her because she is new and doing well? I'm trying to understand because it sounds like other girls on the team are doing extremely well also. Perhaps it's just a matter of getting to know some parents.