Parents Is coach a bully? Should I get my son out of there?

[Faith]

His demeanor quickly changed, started to smile, shook my husbands hand and apologized for being late! Now, why did I not deserve the same accommodation.

Any coach not able to treat me with respect is not going anywhere near my dd.

if he’s treating you like that, what do you think he’s treating girls like in the gym? What do you think boys and girls are learning in the gym? That girls aren’t worth your time, treat them like *** and save your effort for superior males? Girls should put up and be ignored, let the boys talk?

nope, no one talking to me like that would get the chance to influence my son or daughter.

 

[Muddlethru]

Any coach not able to treat me with respect is not going anywhere near my dd.

if he’s treating you like that, what do you think he’s treating girls like in the gym? What do you think boys and girls are learning in the gym? That girls aren’t worth your time, treat them like *** and save your effort for superior males? Girls should put up and be ignored, let the boys talk?

nope, no one talking to me like that would get the chance to influence my son or daughter.

Completely agree with you and I did try to switch her; several times. But my daughter loved this coach. In fact, all the girls did. I don’t want to make excuses for him but he is not a bad person. He really cared for his gymnasts. He is just very immature, impulsive. He was a young inexperienced coach and he thought he knew it all. He shortly thereafter realized he didn’t.

My daughter is now a collegiate gymnast. So we are out of there. But my daughter swears up and down the coach was never mean to her or even said anything remotely inappropriate.

 

[Ty’s Dad]

Rah rah! Beat your chest and be the bigger ape!

Been going back and forth with this since yesterday and the more I read this offends and pisses me the hell off.
Now you can clearly see from my daughters picture I’m a black man, now Geoffrey and everyone else you think it’s ok to call me a Ape/Monkey? Funny thing is you all get on me calling me a sexist for my thoughts, but not one person said anything about this. Now is it fair to me to think of yall as being racist the way yall think I’m sexist?

 

[Ty’s Dad]

Rah rah! Beat your chest and be the bigger ape! Then do what you were going to do anyway and pull your kid out of the gym.

.... or you could skip the chest-beating part, trust that your wife's attempts were already sufficient, and get straight to the part where you pull your kid out

Been going back and forth with this since yesterday and the more I read this offends and pisses me the hell off.
Now you can clearly see from my daughters picture I’m a black man, now Geoffrey and everyone else you think it’s ok to call me a Ape/Monkey? Funny thing is you all get on me calling me a sexist for my thoughts, but not one person said anything about this. Now is it fair to me to think of yall as being racist the way yall think I’m sexist?

 

[Geoffrey Taucer]

Been going back and forth with this since yesterday and the more I read this offends and pisses me the hell off.
Now you can clearly see from my daughters picture I’m a black man, now Geoffrey and everyone else you think it’s ok to call me a Ape/Monkey? Funny thing is you all get on me calling me a sexist for my thoughts, but not one person said anything about this. Now is it fair to me to think of yall as being racist the way yall think I’m sexist?

That angle/interpretation had not even occurred to me. That your daughter was black is something I had not noticed. My comment was not remotely intended that way, but it is completely understandable that it read that way. I was wrong to make that comment without giving it more thought, and you were right to call me out on it.

I apologize to @Ty’s Dad anybody else who was offended

 

[NutterButter]

@Ty’s Dad - I also took the comments about ape/monkey as racist too. The irony of us talking about sexism with a blatantly racist comment was not lost on me. I feel bad I didn’t call it out.

 

[Geoffrey Taucer]

@Ty’s Dad - I also took the comments about ape/monkey as racist too. The irony of us talking about sexism with a blatantly racist comment was not lost on me. I feel bad I didn’t call it out.

That was not the way it was intended, but I 100% see how it read that way.

I was wrong to make that sort of comment without further thought, and Ty's Dad was right to call me out on it. I apologize to anybody who took offense.

 

[Sk8ermaiden]

I gasped when I read the ape metaphor (just now). I'm glad it has been called out and corrected.

There are definitely male (and occasional female) coaches who respond to men and not women and I don't want any of them in a postition of influence on my daughter (or son!!)

It's time to vote with your feet and your wallet. We stayed in a gym with a bullying coach just long enough to make it through the season and I still wonder if it was too long and we should have just left mid-season. My daughter wasn't a target of the bullying, but we don't believe in staying in an environment like that just because it's not affecting *us.* The longer my kid is in this sport and the more I see, the less tolerance I have for any of this BS. It's not worth it. It's just a kid sport.

 

[wandrewsjr]

I have to say that a thread about bullying where two different participants have issued apologies gives me hope. We all should think more about the words we say or type.

 

[MagMomJ]

I'm a little puzzled here. How old is your son and what level? What was the gym owner/manager's response to your issues? Is the coach's behavior something you have observed yourself or something you are hearing about from your son?

Ty, it's a really bad idea to teach your daughter that only a man can definitively shut down a male bully. Shutting down male bullies is an important life skill for all women.

Hi. An added problem is that his HC is his girlfriend and they do a good cop-bad cop kind of thing. Coach freezes out my son to the point that he isn't. Tears and frustrated and then she rushes up behind to smooth things over. My son sees right through this saying why does she come up and keep repeating that they like me and it's all ok? It's actually helped to type this out because seeing it like that has made me think this is awful, why am I sending my child here? The gym managers have been supportive and tried to implement improvements but down the line it reverts to the same thing. I do think we will end up being the sacrificial lambs because that's what it will take for them to take it seriously.
Anyway I am putting together a plan b. This week has been better ( he has only come home in tears once and thinks that's a good week. ) spoke to a coach from another area and was shocked that he said he had seen all this happen at a recent camp they were all at and had mentioned it to a colleague. So at least I know I am not dreaming it. Thanks everyone for the great support. And I will mostly not be sending my husband to rough anyone up!

 

[MagMomJ]

My kid has been in a gym where - and it truly sucked - I was blown off. Nothing ever changed unless it got worse. If I had concerns, everything was always dismissed or twisted to be the kid's fault or my fault. I was not spoken to as an intelligent human being with a possible legitimate concern. If my HUSBAND was there, it was a different story. Still, nothing would change, but the tone of the conversation and defensiveness to everything I said was better. I didn't want my husband to have to be there. He didn't want to have to be there. But the fact was that concerns were treated differently when he was present. The owner is an old-school misogynist. The coaches were more reasonable, but I could not work with the owner at all. We could have gone the confrontation route. My husband could have gone to talk to him about the issues as they progressed. That might have allowed things to go on a little longer, but who wants that? It's just a band-aid. If you are in that kind of gym, I'd suggest looking elsewhere. They don't change.

OP, you know the answer here. Nothing has changed in the past, it won't change in the future. And time is slipping by. His coach has clearly cut him off. We've been there, done that. We tried. We tried to be patient. We tried talking to the coach and gym manager. We tried encouraging our kid to do the best possible with each day. We just delayed the inevitable and made it harder for her to bounce back when she did change gyms. If your son isn't getting attention, he's falling behind. It's hard to catch back up. This isn't just impacting his scoring potential, it's impacting his mental and emotional game. It's impacting his ability to build on the foundation he does have. Go now. His happiness, mental toughness, and development are more important.

Thank you. In my heart of hearts all of this is what I believe. I guess we put off hard stuff just hoping it will improve. I don't think it will.

 

[MagMomJ]

Can you possibly give us a little more info? I cannot tell how long your child has been at this gym or doing gymnastics. If the boys are doing different routines, that sounds like your son is an optional. But this sounds like a newish situation? Just trying to understand more. Everything being equal, obviously you would want your child in the best coaching situatuon possible. However, options for moving to a different gym especially for boys may be very limited. So there is more to consider in that case.

Ok he is 11. He has been at this gym for 6 years. He is the most successful of his group with regard to results at national competitions. (We are in the UK) He takes a hit longer to nail skills but when he does they are great. The couple coaching duo are very ambitious. When a gymnast hits a bump they tend to move on and favour a younger gymnast. The guy coach is moody but his girlfriend is sunshine and sweetness to the parents and everything is sugar coated. They have said things to my son like "I don't have time to waste on you, I have little ones that are going to make national squads." (god, they sound awful when I write this down.) My son just wants to please and can't understand why this happens to him.

 

[Geoffrey Taucer]

What I was trying to get at earlier -- and I unfortunately phrased it very poorly -- was that going in to confront the coach seemed to come from an insecure need to confront for confrontation's sake, rather than an expectation that anything at all would be gained by such a confrontation.

I still think there is nothing to be gained by such a confrontation. If the coach is a bully, and you've already tried to discuss it to no avail, the best thing to do is pull your kid out and don't look back.

 

[Geoffrey Taucer]

When a gymnast hits a bump they tend to move on and favour a younger gymnast. The guy coach is moody but his girlfriend is sunshine and sweetness to the parents and everything is sugar coated. They have said things to my son like "I don't have time to waste on you, I have little ones that are going to make national squads." (god, they sound awful when I write this down.) My son just wants to please and can't understand why this happens to him.

100% you should bail and not look back. The damage that coaches like this can do follows kids out the door, and there is zero chance of improvement.

 

[duyetanh]

100% you should bail and not look back. The damage that coaches like this can do follows kids out the door, and there is zero chance of improvement.

Yep. And the longer you stay, you then multiply it in terms of time to get over it.

 

[Freddy's Fred]

dude I seriously think some of yall come on here trying to just start stuff. When on any of my comments did I say anything about a woman can’t do anything, I said she tried her way TWICE. Who cares what my approach is I’m going to protect my son and now my wife since you didn’t give a damn about the last two times she talked to yall. So now stop with this I’m saying a woman can't do things. I apologized to the person who made the thread because I assumed things I should t have. It was totally wrong and I take full responsibility, but the people talking all this extra stuff I will never see it your way just like you will never see mine.

And do you recognize that it could just as easily be your wife protecting you? If you had tried to talk to the coach twice, would you then ask your wife to go do it to protect your son and family? If not, then you are being sexist.

 

[langd0y]

Where do you draw the line of bully vs teaching style? Instead of just leaving, why not report the coach and get them fired so this doesn't happen to others if it's that serious?

 

[duyetanh]

Where do you draw the line of bully vs teaching style? Instead of just leaving, why not report the coach and get them fired so this doesn't happen to others if it's that serious?

I wish it were that simple. But, referring to Laurie Hernandez, an Olympian who complained in, ahem, 2016?!?! It doesn’t always work that way. Also, the whole safe sport thing imho still has some real kinks to work out. But that’s on many another thread on here, so I will open up a can of worms....

 

[duyetanh]

I wish it were that simple. But, referring to Laurie Hernandez, an Olympian who complained in, ahem, 2016?!?! It doesn’t always work that way. Also, the whole safe sport thing imho still has some real kinks to work out. But that’s on many another thread on here, so I will open up a can of worms....

Should have said I will NOT open a can of worms. Good lord.

 

[Annikins]

Yes, you should definitely leave, the coach isn't going to change.

And, sexist or not, my husband gets infinitely more respect than I do at my child's school. Anything I raise is completely ignored, anything he raises is considered and discussed. So I can definitely see why Ty's dad is saying what he is. It's not a perfect world, sadly.