Parents Is coach a bully? Should I get my son out of there?

[Geoffrey Taucer]

The difference is she went to the gym. I know my wife would go straight to the coach. Then call me and tell me what happened, if she handled it then cool if not I’m going up there. I don’t see what you or any of yall can teach me about protecting MY FAMILY. You do what you want in your household, but me a grown man bullying my kid is unacceptable and I’m not the type to just pack up and run without you hearing what I have to say.

EDIT: Originally here I made a comment comparing going in to confront the coach to beating one's chest to establish dominance like an ape. It was intended to refer to the tendency of insecure men to tend towards confrontation even when there is nothing to be gained from it. However, the comment ended up having some completely-unintended racial implications, and I was wrong to make that comment. No racial offense was intended, but the offense was understandable and was my fault for not giving it enough thought.

At any rate, getting back to the subject

I think it makes more sense to skip the confrontation, trust that your wife's attempts were already sufficient, and get straight to the part where you pull your kid out

 

[Ty’s Dad]

This is what I will do is apologize to the person who posted this thread. I don’t know your situation and it was wrong of me to assume stuff.

 

[Ty’s Dad]

Rah rah! Beat your chest and be the bigger ape! Then do what you were going to do anyway and pull your kid out of the gym.

.... or you could act like a civilized person and skip the chest-beating part, trust that your wife's attempts were already sufficient, and get straight to the part where you pull your kid out

Lol didn’t you or someone ask me what will me wife do? So I called her and asked. She said “ yeah I would confront the coach then call you, we will not be leaving that gym until that coach hears what my kid and we have to say”. Sooooo you run your house the way you want and let us run ours

 

[Geoffrey Taucer]

we will not be leaving that gym until that coach hears what my kid and we have to say

But "what you have to say" has to come from you, and doesn't count if it comes from your wife? I mean, we were already discussing a situation where the kid's mom tried (twice) to talk to the coach; I'd assume the coach has already heard whatever there is to be said.

....again, unless you don't trust your wife with the task of talking to somebody about her kid

 

[Ty’s Dad]

But "what you have to say" has to come from you, and doesn't count if it comes from your wife? I mean, we were already discussing a situation where the kid's mom tried (twice) to talk to the coach; I'd assume the coach has already heard whatever there is to be said.

....again, unless you don't trust your wife with the task of talking to somebody about her kid

I don’t trust people period. You already disrespected the gym and my kid. Now what if you disrespect my wife.

 

[OrchidZ]

My kid has been in a gym where - and it truly sucked - I was blown off. Nothing ever changed unless it got worse. If I had concerns, everything was always dismissed or twisted to be the kid's fault or my fault. I was not spoken to as an intelligent human being with a possible legitimate concern. If my HUSBAND was there, it was a different story. Still, nothing would change, but the tone of the conversation and defensiveness to everything I said was better. I didn't want my husband to have to be there. He didn't want to have to be there. But the fact was that concerns were treated differently when he was present. The owner is an old-school misogynist. The coaches were more reasonable, but I could not work with the owner at all. We could have gone the confrontation route. My husband could have gone to talk to him about the issues as they progressed. That might have allowed things to go on a little longer, but who wants that? It's just a band-aid. If you are in that kind of gym, I'd suggest looking elsewhere. They don't change.

OP, you know the answer here. Nothing has changed in the past, it won't change in the future. And time is slipping by. His coach has clearly cut him off. We've been there, done that. We tried. We tried to be patient. We tried talking to the coach and gym manager. We tried encouraging our kid to do the best possible with each day. We just delayed the inevitable and made it harder for her to bounce back when she did change gyms. If your son isn't getting attention, he's falling behind. It's hard to catch back up. This isn't just impacting his scoring potential, it's impacting his mental and emotional game. It's impacting his ability to build on the foundation he does have. Go now. His happiness, mental toughness, and development are more important.

 

[Geoffrey Taucer]

I don’t trust people period. You already disrespected the gym and my kid. Now what if you disrespect my wife.

You already know the coach is a bully, because your kid told you. You already know the coach won't change from a conversation with a parent, because your wife already tried that. Do you think there is any chance whatsoever of the coach turning over a new leaf because you went in to talk to him, even though he didn't when your wife talked to him?

Do you truly have that little faith in your own family?

Or is it just a need for ooga-booga-beat-chest-establish-dominance before leaving?

 

[Ty’s Dad]

You already know the coach is a bully, because your kid told you. You already know the coach won't change from a conversation with a parent, because your wife already tried that. Do you think there is any chance whatsoever of the coach turning over a new leaf because you went in to talk to him, even though he didn't when your wife talked to him?

Do you truly have that little faith in your own family?

Or is it just a need for ooga-booga-beat-chest-establish-dominance before leaving?

What the hell you talking about. Has nothing to do with faith in my family. An adult bully my kid coach or just a person and I find out I’m seeing you. If my wife wanted to just handle it without me don’t tell me, but the Turners are a team against anyone and that’s how my whole family is. So I apologized to the person who posted this why are you the one talking so much this should be a dead issue with me

 

[duyetanh]

The thing is she said they brought it up Twice and everytime the situation got worse. So now what? She went and talked and the guy keeps bullying her son

Unfortunately that means it is time to go. I give her credit for trying. But it isn’t going to change. Sadly, those things don’t. It’s not running away from something when you have given it a chance(not saying you said that btw). It’s running to something better for the child and his/her emotional well being.

 

[Faith]

Don’t get me wrong my wife can handle herself just like all you women. My point is regardless how you want to look at it I protect my family, and I don’t any man that doesn’t. If my wife talked to the gym twice and the bullying hasn’t stopped I’m going down there. We tried it your way now I’m coming a grown man should not be bullying a kid period.

So what is your "different" approach that will achieve a result?

Go on, what exactly can a man do in this situation that a woman can't?

 

[skschlag]

Hi. Looking for opinions. Son's coach does not seem to like him. We brought this up twice last year with gym manager. He gets angry, walks away when son messes up a skill, makes sarcastic comments, ignores him for rest of session. Son has gotten great results at comps so far. We have been promised coach will "lay off" the harsh treatment. Unfortunately this translates to being ignored and not being coached. A bit upset as I don’t pay for him to coach himself. Now, close to a big meet, he has been given the most simplified floor routine imaginable which he is embarrassed about. Two simple tumbles When teammates have four or five. Feels like this is a stitch up because we dared to criticise. Quite a few other incidents but that’s main one. We feel like my son is being pushed out. Anything we have said has made things worse. Do we get him out of there?

do you have other options? It sounds like there is a definite personality conflict, or more, at play here. It is hard to move mid season, but you may want to research your options. How does your son feel? Does he feel defeated? Angry? Frustrated?

 

[Ty’s Dad]

So what is your "different" approach that will achieve a result?

Go on, what exactly can a man do in this situation that a woman can't?

dude I seriously think some of yall come on here trying to just start stuff. When on any of my comments did I say anything about a woman can’t do anything, I said she tried her way TWICE. Who cares what my approach is I’m going to protect my son and now my wife since you didn’t give a damn about the last two times she talked to yall. So now stop with this I’m saying a woman can't do things. I apologized to the person who made the thread because I assumed things I should t have. It was totally wrong and I take full responsibility, but the people talking all this extra stuff I will never see it your way just like you will never see mine.

 

[Cheryl]

We had a similar situation. Coach only wanted to coach 2 boys out of 6. Said my son wasn’t good enough to do 6-1 and not as good as 2 others. Son consistently out scored one boy on all events and went back and forth in out scoring the other. Coach had not coached this group before, so I showed him all the scores, and told him there was no reason to take skills out of his routines and put him in 6-2. He agreed to put him in 6-1 with the other 2 boys, but pretty much didn’t coach him. He spent most of the time with his 2 favorites and put the 5 others in the back doing basics. Son still consistently out scored one boy and again alternated with other, all with pretty much no coaching .

we left the next year and son is now in 9 and still scoring the same as the boy who stayed behind. But now he is much happier and feels valued.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

I make reasonable attempts to address something and then I use my feet to walk out the door and my checkbook writes checks to someone else. And when folks ask me why we left or about the gym. I tell them.

If there were literally no other options for gym, my kid would be doing another sport. There is nothing worth be abused for.

 

[RTT2]

Yes, I would get him out of there. You have made multiple attempts to address the situation and things have only gotten worse. I would go ASAP. In terms of confronting a bullying coach, I find the idea fairly absurd. If this coach were the type to be open to feedback from parents then it's unlikely he would be coaching this way. I pulled my daughter from a toxic, abusive environment and did not discuss my reasons with the head coaches and owners- everything they did and said made it clear that if they were open to listening and critically evaluating their own practices the gym would not have been run the way that it was.

 

[Muddlethru]

OP, I’d do due diligence finding out what is going on; and if not satisfied with what you find, start looking for another gym. It is always hard to assess and give advice on a situation based on a few sentences.

With regard to Ty’s Dad first post, I agree it does appear sexist and appears to suggest a man may be able to handle the situation better. Of course, this statement would have all women up in arms including me; and I am rather easily offended when my effectiveness in handling a situation is challenged because I am a woman. HOWEVER, sexism does exist. Case in point . . .

I brought my daughter to be evaluated at a new gym. She was an 11 year old Level 9. The HC showed up late, saw me in the lobby and barely acknowledged me. My husband had never met the HC and so I made an effort to get his attention and introduced my husband. His demeanor quickly changed, started to smile, shook my husbands hand and apologized for being late! Now, why did I not deserve the same accommodation. Btw, my daughter stayed in the gym and this is not an isolated incident. I’ve seen many men (and women) get more consideration depending on the situation based on gender. I’m neither supporting nor not supporting gender related solutions, just saying it is not entirely a bad advice to get quicker results.

That said, I still prefer and have handled situations myself and would think twice before I had my husband handle anything for me, primarily because I would never get the desired results if my husband handled a situation on my behalf.

 

[twinmomma]

it is a mans job to protect his son/family from a grown man. I’m not saying a woman can’t, I’m saying the coach needs to be checked on the way he’s acting and if it gets into a shouting match then what? She’s gonna go home and tell her husband then he’s going to get pissed and go up there anyway. Once again what man would want his wife confronting another man on bullying their kid?

I guess then I should send a friend if my kid has an issue with a male coach because my kid has two moms? This is ridiculously sexist. How about show their son that anyone can have a discussion with anyone about an issue. Because thats what this should be, an adult discussion, not some antagonist fisticuffs.

To the OP - yes, sounds like it's time to get out. If you can't have a productive conversation, then it's not worth staying.

 

[FlippinPrincess]

I make reasonable attempts to address something and then I use my feet to walk out the door and my checkbook writes checks to someone else. And when folks ask me why we left or about the gym. I tell them.

If there were literally no other options for gym, my kid would be doing another sport. There is nothing worth be abused for.

This is exactly how we handled our gym switch when the head coach was being unreasonable.

 

[Coach Will]

I would say, talk to the coach, identify the problem. If you get the run around, obvious lies, then ask for a different coach. Of that’s not possible, find a coach that right for your child, new gym or not. Every kid learns differently, and some coaches just don’t teach in ways that benefit the child most. Or don’t know how to identify the right coaching methods based on a students personality and learning capacity.Often times, there is a missed perspective, a strategy, as every kid responds to different approaches. Though, I have never and couldn’t imagine that sort of treatment. Kids deserve respect as much as an adult, especially when asking them to give the amount of effort required from gymnastics. It could it be a younger coach with less experience? A coach that’s in it for the paycheck instead of the love of coaching? I’ve seen those, the ones who excel in gymnastics, decide to coach, as that’s where their skills lie in life. A good gymnasts doesn’t translate to a good coach though. I’d say communicate first, if you notice it enough for this post, you are not crazy, don’t let them let you pretend you are. I have been coaching for 12 years, and have owned a studio for 5 and still Coach. The point of this sport goes beyond winning competitions, a good coach realizes this and coaches with those goals above all. To bully or treat a kid differently removes the main purpose of the effort you child gives. Always give a good heads up to the gym owner before dropping though, a gym is a business and the owner is typically not in it for the money, meaning, they rely on knowing what tuition to expect to make ends meet. If the owner has already paid for the comps, don’t expect a refund, but if you’ve paid fees ahead, the class tuition should atleast be reimbursed in part. Hope this helped.
-Coach Will

 

[Madden3]

Hi. Looking for opinions. Son's coach does not seem to like him. We brought this up twice last year with gym manager. He gets angry, walks away when son messes up a skill, makes sarcastic comments, ignores him for rest of session. Son has gotten great results at comps so far. We have been promised coach will "lay off" the harsh treatment. Unfortunately this translates to being ignored and not being coached. A bit upset as I don’t pay for him to coach himself. Now, close to a big meet, he has been given the most simplified floor routine imaginable which he is embarrassed about. Two simple tumbles When teammates have four or five. Feels like this is a stitch up because we dared to criticise. Quite a few other incidents but that’s main one. We feel like my son is being pushed out. Anything we have said has made things worse. Do we get him out of there?

Can you possibly give us a little more info? I cannot tell how long your child has been at this gym or doing gymnastics. If the boys are doing different routines, that sounds like your son is an optional. But this sounds like a newish situation? Just trying to understand more. Everything being equal, obviously you would want your child in the best coaching situatuon possible. However, options for moving to a different gym especially for boys may be very limited. So there is more to consider in that case.