Parents Is coach a bully? Should I get my son out of there?

[Ty’s Dad]

Yup. Bullies don't change. When you approach them with a concern, they bristle up and get defensive and bully harder rather than actually listening. Best thing for the kid is to remove them from the situation.

How is that helping for the next kid though. You leave the bully will go to the next kid she said she talked to the gym twice and it got worse everytime.

 

[Ty’s Dad]

Yall keep making it about a wife going or a husband going. She said she talked to the gym twice and it got worse, so now what just leave? Ok

 

[Flippin'A]

The thing is she said they brought it up Twice and everytime the situation got worse. So now what? She went and talked and the guy keeps bullying her son

Now you leave. And you make it clear that the coach's bullying is what lost the gym owner your business. What good is a confrontation going to do? It already sounds like the coach pulled off some subtle retribution with the floor routine, so even if you managed to shout him down or intimidate him or whatever, he'll just harbor that anger toward the kid and find another way to ignore or belittle him. It's more important that the child is in a safe, positive environment than getting the last word.

 

[skschlag]

Sometimes you cannot worry about everyone else's kids. You have to protect yours. If you have reported it, and nothing is changing, then you have to take your child's well-being into account. In this case, with nothing improving, you show your displeasure with your money. You take it and leave. you do not continue to traumatize your child. It isn't right.

 

[Geoffrey Taucer]

How is that helping for the next kid though. You leave the bully will go to the next kid she said she talked to the gym twice and it got worse everytime.

Bullies are not owed explanations, justifications, or second chances. They get off on feeling in control and having power over other people. Unfortunately, the coaching profession has an obvious draw to those sorts of personality types.

They do not change. There is zero to be accomplished by discussing anything with them.

Maybe mention it to the gym owner or manager on the way out, but that's it.

Yall keep making it about a wife going or a husband going. She said she talked to the gym twice and it got worse, so now what just leave? Ok

No, you did that.

Are you upset we're holding your feet to the fire? Maybe take a step back and learn something from it, rather than projecting fault on everybody else.

 

[Ty’s Dad]

Don’t get me wrong my wife can handle herself just like all you women. My point is regardless how you want to look at it I protect my family, and I don’t any man that doesn’t. If my wife talked to the gym twice and the bullying hasn’t stopped I’m going down there. We tried it your way now I’m coming a grown man should not be bullying a kid period.

 

[Ty’s Dad]

Sometimes you cannot worry about everyone else's kids. You have to protect yours. If you have reported it, and nothing is changing, then you have to take your child's well-being into account. In this case, with nothing improving, you show your displeasure with your money. You take it and leave. you do not continue to traumatize your child. It isn't right.

Of course you leave anyway regardless of what the coach says, but me personally I would want to talk to that coach right on that floor to see what the problem is

 

[Geoffrey Taucer]

Of course you leave anyway regardless of what the coach says, but me personally I would want to talk to that coach right on that floor to see what the problem is

Given that your up-front assumption seemed to be that it would escalate to a fistfight or a shouting match, you're probably not the best person to have that conversation. Better let your wife handle it -- hopefully she's more levelheaded

 

[Ty’s Dad]

Given that your up-front assumption seemed to be that it would escalate to a fistfight or a shouting match, you're probably not the best person to have that conversation. Better let your wife handle it -- hopefully she's more levelheaded

Lol nope wrong

 

[Geoffrey Taucer]

Don’t get me wrong my wife can handle herself just like all you women. My point is regardless how you want to look at it I protect my family, and I don’t any man that doesn’t. If my wife talked to the gym twice and the bullying hasn’t stopped I’m going down there. We tried it your way now I’m coming a grown man should not be bullying a kid period.

What would you be hoping to accomplish it, and why would you think you could accomplish what your wife could not? Like, do you actually think the coach would change because you talked to him, after not changing when your wife talked to him?

Because it's sounding more and more like you don't have any expectation of anything getting better, you just feel like you need to beat your chest and be the bigger scarier ape than the coach.

Which, again, suggests that you don't have the maturity to effectively handle such a conversation.

 

[Ty’s Dad]

Given that your up-front assumption seemed to be that it would escalate to a fistfight or a shouting match, you're probably not the best person to have that conversation. Better let your wife handle it -- hopefully she's more levelheaded

mans the older I got the more calm I am. 20 year old Lance yeah it would have been a serious fight on the floor. Me at 37 we can have a grown up talk about the way my kid feels and how I feel.

 

[Ty’s Dad]

What would you be hoping to accomplish it, and why would you think you could accomplish what your wife could not? Because it's sounding more and more like you don't have any expectation of anything getting better, you just feel like you need to beat your chest and be the bigger scarier ape than the coach.

Which, again, suggests that you don't have the maturity to effectively handle such a conversation.

I’m trying to accomplish that you being a coach around kids you need to be aware of how you’re making these kids feel. Plus you can be fired and prob not hired again if someone reports you. It will be a learning situation for the both of us. For all I know my kid can be disrespecting him, then I need to get on my kid for disrespecting adults, but I won’t know that unless i talk to him

 

[Geoffrey Taucer]

I’m trying to accomplish that you being a coach around kids you need to be aware of how you’re making these kids feel. Plus you can be fired and prob not hired again if someone reports you. It will be a learning situation for the both of us. For all I know my kid can be disrespecting him, then I need to get on my kid for disrespecting adults, but I won’t know that unless i talk to him

Right.

And you don't trust your wife to handle this because.....?

 

[NutterButter]

The thing is she said they brought it up Twice and everytime the situation got worse. So now what? She went and talked and the guy keeps bullying her son

That's the whole point of this thread...now what? And you take it on a tangent of figuring it out 'man to man'. You really should check your sexism.

Back to the original question...

My DD has a coach that she has never really gotten along with. The coach is moody and a little emotionally immature and sometimes does similar things to what you describe. I wouldn't call my DD's coach a bully but she's not the best fit for my DD. Most athletes don't have a problem with her. Since my DD only has this coach on 1 event it's been easier to put up with it over the years. I have had to step in and advocate for my DD on many occasions. It's not the best situation but it's been manageable. I'm of the opinion that in life there will be people that you don't get along with and you gotta figure out how to make it work (assuming no abuse or a toxic situation going on). Now however, this coach is the HC and she has surrounded herself with others who have a similar mindset. In just a few short months my DD's gym has changed from a supportive environment to one that is not the best fit for her. My DD has considered quitting....in the middle of her senior year! If my DD were younger, I would find a new gym for her.

OP - I think you have to ask yourself how much time your son is actually with this coach, the extent that your son is bothered by the coach, the willingness of the coach to change, etc. In my case, the coach my DD doesn't get along with was always receptive to my feedback. In her defense, she would try but at the end of the day she just doesn't 'get' my DD and to an extent this is OK. I don't expect everyone to 'like' my DD but they do need to put the same effort into coaching her as they do others (which she always has). On the other hand, there was a tipping point where the negatives now outweigh the positives with this particular coach and the gym environment. Sounds like you may be at your tipping point now.

 

[CuriousCate]

Wow. That thread went in a strange direction.

To OP, are there any other coaches there that could possibly coach your child? If so, perhaps talk to the owner/head coach (assuming HC is NOT your son's current coach!) about whether this is a possibility. If not, i would leave. I would try and first sit down with the owner/ HC with my child and my spouse if you have one (in the name of providing a unified front, not sexism) and make it very clear why you are pulling your business. IMO, that is the best way to improve the plight for other kids. It stinks to be the sacrificial lamb but it happens. We pulled my older kid from her gym when the coaching got really mean and were putting insane pressure on kids to skip multiple levels and kids were dropping like flies. I told the owner, who is the HC, about what my DD experienced and was so grateful to find that they have truly revamped their system. It didn't help my kid, but it opened their eyes at least.

 

[profmom]

I'm a little puzzled here. How old is your son and what level? What was the gym owner/manager's response to your issues? Is the coach's behavior something you have observed yourself or something you are hearing about from your son?

Ty, it's a really bad idea to teach your daughter that only a man can definitively shut down a male bully. Shutting down male bullies is an important life skill for all women.

 

[Ty’s Dad]

I'm a little puzzled here. How old is your son and what level? What was the gym owner/manager's response to your issues? Is the coach's behavior something you have observed yourself or something you are hearing about from your son?

Ty, it's a really bad idea to teach your daughter that only a man can definitively shut down a male bully. Shutting down male bullies is an important life skill for all women.

When did I say that. She said she talked to the gym twice and it’s gotten worse. Now I’m going to talk to the coach. Regardless on how yall want to flip things she tried it her way which was talking to the gym to stand up to the bully. Now y’all getting on me for saying take a different approach to things. Man yall really be teaching on everything

 

[Geoffrey Taucer]

When did I say that. She said she talked to the gym twice and it’s gotten worse. Now I’m going to talk to the coach. Regardless on how yall want to flip things she tried it her way which was talking to the gym to stand up to the bully. Now y’all getting on me for saying take a different approach to things. Man yall really be teaching on everything

Because this is a teachable moment, but you seem determined to deflect rather than learn.

How would your way be different from your wife's? If she already tried twice and the bullying didn't change what makes you think you can make it change?

 

[Ty’s Dad]

Because this is a teachable moment, but you seem determined to deflect rather than learn.

How would your way be different from your wife's? If she already tried twice and the bullying didn't change what makes you think you can make it change?

The difference is she went to the gym. I know my wife would go straight to the coach. Then call me and tell me what happened, if she handled it then cool if not I’m going up there. I don’t see what you or any of yall can teach me about protecting MY FAMILY. You do what you want in your household, but me a grown man bullying my kid is unacceptable and I’m not the type to just pack up and run without you hearing what I have to say.

 

[profmom]

Before you do have your husband confront him and see what’s the real problem

Dude. You gave advice to an unknown woman to have her husband (a hypothetical being, I note) "confront" the coach to "see," presumably definitively, what the REAL problem is. If you meant something other than what this clearly implies about gender, the fault's on you for not communicating clearly. And you shouldn't be at all surprised to get called on it.

Drop the defensive posture and think about it. One could imagine adding positive rather than toxic masculinity to a situation that is quite possibly already overflowing with toxic masculinity, but your post suggests doing precisely the opposite. And that ain't gonna help anyone, including future athletes in that gym.

Think for a minute about what the reaction might have been had you advised the OP to talk to the coach, if that is the distinction you're now seeking to make. I understand that you may perceive this as an attack on you, but what I am trying to do here is get you to see why your advice is 1) ill considered, and 2) setting everyone off.