Parents Is parental jealousy for real?

[skschlag]

I personally think jealousy is a natural human thing. However, how we handle those feelings is the key on both sides. One thing I always tell my kids is that no one can make you feel a certain way.. You choose to feel that way. So no one can make you mad, sad, etc, but you choose to feel that way. So you can turn it around.

So, if you do feel jealous, you can choose to change that to something else. And you have to assume the same of others. If you think others are feeling jealous of you/your kid, you are assigning an emotion to them. You are assuming this of them. You are deciding how they are feeling.

So, I say, assume positive intent and work on your side of the relationship. I know this is hard, but in the end, it is all you have control over. It sounds like you have done lots of this already, but I would just keep it up. Eventually, people will see your intent. It is hard to ignore positive people for long.

 

[xrachx]

Oh I've definitely seen it. My DD is by no means the best gymnast there, but she is in the group coached primarily by the HC, and there are those who feel their DDs should be that group instead. I make a conscious effort to talk to every parent though, regardless of level, and I cheer for every gymnast on the team at each competition. Luckily, most of the parents are lovely though.

Kill with kindness, and if that doesn't work, they're the ones that look bad, not you. If they want to act like they're back in school, let them, and try not to let it get to you

 

[roll123]

I feel your pain, but we get that treatment at DD's school. I think it has a lot to do with cliques and I honestly just don't have the time or energy to work that hard to be part of their clique. It is hard though, I'm sorry you are going through this. How do you think your DD fits in with the group?

 

[cbifoja]

It makes me sad to read OP's words. One of the most positive things from accompanying my daughter as she navigates this sports is the relationships I've made with the other moms. I truly consider some of them dear friends. I mean, every now and then you'll get someone who is a bit stand-offish or a bit over-enthusiastic, but I've never experienced the meanness or the cliques.

Like another poster said, I go out of my way to be open and welcoming to the newest parents on the team. They have so many questions and are genuinely trying to figure out how they got dragged into this sport! My DD has been the best at her level and has been the worst, but I've never felt like other parents treated me differently from year to year.

I will say though that I don't see a lot of bragging from OP. Some pride maybe, but nothing that I think would warrant such behavior that she is seeing. Who knows what other factors are at play? There could be a difference in SES, it could be a cultural thing, it could be a "history" thing. Who knows? But I think that OP has done about as much as she can and now it's just time to walk away.

Keep cheering for their girls. Keep cheering for your girl. Be civil but don't initiate conversation. Or try to find at least one other mom who is friendly and get your socialization from there. But you can't force those other women to accept you so leave them to their unfriendliness and move on.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

I personally think jealousy is a natural human thing. However, how we handle those feelings is the key on both sides. One thing I always tell my kids is that no one can make you feel a certain way.. You choose to feel that way. So no one can make you mad, sad, etc, but you choose to feel that way.
.

Sorry, I disagree, feelings are just that feelings. You don't choose them. You can choose what you do about them but no you can not choose not to feel something.

I can't imagine, someone telling me feeling sad at times because I miss my mom (she died) is something I choose to feel and I can some how change that and not be sad.

And I certainly can't imagine telling my kid if she feels mad or hurt about something it's her fault because she chooses to feel that way.

And no while it's difficult to "read" tone, in person you can tell what's jealousy, anger, happiness etc.....

Shoot listen to the folks chiming here. It must be the "victims" fault for thinking to highly of her kid.

And of course the coaches can't change the parents behavior, they can mitigate it some but not change it. Why do you think many discourage watching practice because it limits the BS of the grown ups.

I have one of "those" kids. She isn't going to the Olympics but she is strong and a darn good gymmie. She has been labeled the kid to beat, and the funny part is she's not a lock this year because other kids have caught up and started passing her, it really can be anyone's day. And our gym is not a lock this year either. And boy there are some parents having a hard time with that too. Her group of kids are great. Some of the parents not so much.

I have to tell you it kinda sucks that I have to tone my joy for her down so as not to be labeled a parent who thinks her kid is "all that". It would be nice to say yeah she rocked it today instead of yeah, she had a good day. But we wait until we get out to the car to let her know, when she had a great event.

I root for all the kids, genuinely. I'm positive about all the kids, to the kids and to the parents. I teach my daughter to be gracious and she is. I volunteer, participate in activities. And overall the parents are nice and we get along.

And I still get the whispering. I hear oh good, X is in the other age group this meet. Some of the parents start to practically beam if we aren't going to a meet. I had to listen to a whole bunch of crud (with the pot stirred by one parent), because of where the coach put my daughter. Rather then tell me my daughter had a good day, it was umm did you know she was in the wrong group....As if I made the freaking decision. And in a moment of "bragging" here my kid did really well and placement would of been better in the other group.

My kid had her best floor all year. The only person who acknowledged it was a higher level parent. I can't even describe how nice it was to get a heartfelt compliment for my kid.

And I don't need hearts and flowers and unicorns. I'm a big girl, I get it. But don't say it's our fault either. And don't tell us it's us and our imagination. Sometimes it actually is the other parent. CGMs are real, they do exist.

 

[kayjaybe]

For the most part, our parents seem to get along very well. Sure, there can be some jealousy at times. That is only natural. You can be jealous and still truly happy for people at the same time. I was jealous of all the girls competing all events this weekend while my injured gymmie could only do floor, but I was still happy and cheered on everyone's successes and felt their disappointments when they struggled.

Some people just click more than others. For the most part, I don't think the perceived shutting out has to do with jealousy. I have a few moms I click with more than others. We hang out socially. We sit together at meets & meetings. We do things together outside of gymnastics. We have become friends. But that takes some time to build.

Have you tried getting more involved in some of the gym functions? Not just pitching in, but pairing up with someone to take charge of something? When you arrive at a meeting, have you tried sitting at a partially occupied table rather than grabbing the empty one and waiting for people to join you?

Sometimes you have to assert yourself (and insert yourself) into situations. Last year when all my dd's friends (and my parent friends) moved to a different level and practice schedule, I kind of lost my group to hang out with. There was another group of 3 moms I liked but didn't really hang with and I just said to them that I'd love to join them one night if they were going out during practice. They were very receptive and I made 3 new friends. But I had to take that step to ask.

 

[Empowered]

Very blunt response incoming here, please don't take offense.

Unfortunately, in life, there will always be people who don't like you. Some may have rational reasons why, some may not. If these people truly don't like you (no matter what the reason), you can't change it. You can't force people to like you and you can't force people to include you.

That being said - This sport is not about YOU. I'm bolding that because the bulk of the posts are about you and your feelings. This is your daughter's sport. Her gym, her teammates, her career. At no point in time should you be looking at your daughter's gym environment, that she's clearly excelling in if you suspect jealousy, and think, "but people aren't nice enough to me!!" You aren't paying for a group of friends, you're paying for gymnastics coaching and you're getting it. End of story.

Be the parent. Be the adult. If the parents at the gym don't want a friendship with you, find one elsewhere. But let your daughter have her sport and stop worrying about yourself.

 

[cbifoja]

Empowered....question for you.....do the parents at your gym not work together to do things for the girls? I'm not being snarky, I'm genuinely asking. I have no idea about your gym. It might be too big for that kind of "intimacy", but at our gym, it is very common, especially among individual teams, for the parents to see each other outside of practice times.

We take the girls shopping as a group, out for froyo, sleepovers/parties. We travel in small pods to meets or at least make plans to stay in the same hotels so the girls can be silly together. But we are a small gym so maybe such things just aren't possible at a larger gym. I don't know. Really just curious.

 

[Empowered]

Nope. If the girls hang out the parents aren't involved at all. The parent hosting is there, the other parents drop off. We've hosted a birthday party at our house, no parent stayed for more than a minute. Most dropped at the curb and waved as they drove off. We're all too busy with our other kids and non-gym lives.

We rarely even see each other at drop-off or pick-up. Parents drive up to the back door of the gym, girls hop out and run inside. I haven't had a conversation with her coach face to face since her last meet in April, and I carpool with that coach. Communication by text or email with coaches.

And we are not a big gym by any stretch of the imagination. Less than 40 in our optional program. We have a no-viewing gym and a coach who is very strict about minimal parent involvement. No drama, no stress.

 

[cbifoja]

Thank you for your answer. It sounds like our gym culture is on the other end of the spectrum. That explains why we have different viewpoints. Our gym is a smidge bigger with around 60 comp kids but it sounds like just the basic culture is different. Very glad that we have both found somewhere that fits for us.

Most of the times, the parents walk the girls in and then we stay for 10-15 minutes talking. Sometimes we decide to leave and go get a cup of coffee. At pick up, the coaches come out and share how practice went. If a girl got a new skill, we all hug and congratulate her. Depending on the situation, we are sometimes invited into the gym to video a new skill.

The coach definitely is "parent friendly" in terms of asking us how we feel about things she is considering as far as potential travel meets or camps. Different ones of us are employed at or volunteer to do tasks around the gym. A couple parents even coach low level rec/preschool. I will definitely miss it when we leave.

 

[skschlag]

Sorry, I disagree, feelings are just that feelings. You don't choose them. You can choose what you do about them but no you can not choose not to feel something.

I can't imagine, someone telling me feeling sad at times because I miss my mom (she died) is something I choose to feel and I can some how change that and not be sad.

And I certainly can't imagine telling my kid if she feels mad or hurt about something it's her fault because she chooses to feel that way.

I didn't say that feeling your feelings was bad, or that you shouldn't feel a certain way. But I did say that others can't make you feel a certain way. That is on you. You can't control others' feelings, and they can't control yours. And I believe I sad "How we handle those feelings is key on both sides"

If someone is feeling that someone else is feeling jealous, then your feeling is based on your perception of someone elses' feeling. That is a choice. The examples you gave are very different. It isn't your FAULT, but how you handle it is your choice.

(I always use the "I feel offended by that" when explaining. you choose to be offended, when often you can ignore the thing that is offending you)

In this case, there could be many things going on, and we know only part of the story. i never blamed OP for this at all, but suggested that she assume positive intent when dealing with others, rather than assigning a negative feeling. I find it just makes me a happier person.

 

[skschlag]

Thank you for your answer. It sounds like our gym culture is on the other end of the spectrum. That explains why we have different viewpoints. Our gym is a smidge bigger with around 60 comp kids but it sounds like just the basic culture is different. Very glad that we have both found somewhere that fits for us.

Most of the times, the parents walk the girls in and then we stay for 10-15 minutes talking. Sometimes we decide to leave and go get a cup of coffee. At pick up, the coaches come out and share how practice went. If a girl got a new skill, we all hug and congratulate her. Depending on the situation, we are sometimes invited into the gym to video a new skill.

The coach definitely is "parent friendly" in terms of asking us how we feel about things she is considering as far as potential travel meets or camps. Different ones of us are employed at or volunteer to do tasks around the gym. A couple parents even coach low level rec/preschool. I will definitely miss it when we leave.

Our gym is like this too. However, I do have 3 really close friends and we do get together more often. A couple of us were friends before gym. And we go out, and our boys get together. And we stand and talk in the lobby. I would hate to think if we were doing that regularly, some other parent would think we were leaving them out, or excluding them deliberately, when in reality, we are just really close friends. KWIM?

 

[Empowered]

That you have friends at your gyms is fine (whatever floats your boat). Don't get me wrong, if you've got time for daily coffee, more power to ya. I personally gotta run home and help with homework before doing yet another load of laundry.

However if you didn't, which is where OP seem to stand, what would you do?

Would you actually consider a gym move where your child is excelling because Susie's mommy's clique won't let you be part of her club? Are you going to go tell the gym owner or coaches that the other mommies aren't nice enough to you? Cause even at the most parent friendly gym ever, I'm pretty sure that gets you an automatic seat at the wackadoo table and you'll likely be ostracized further.

My point is, friendly or not, included or not, the bottom line should always be the child and per her posts it seems like the child is doing great.

 

[cbifoja]

I've structured my life so that I frequently have time to enjoy the little things like coffee. I don't have multiple kids to deal with and because I don't enjoy frantically rushing from one task to another, my life is such that I am fortunate enough to be able to spend some time with the other moms. If I were constantly over-extended then I wouldn't have to worry about having friends at the gym because all other moms would avoid my cranky butt! LOL

I honestly don't know what I would do if I were in OP's situation. I guess my first reaction is that, like she has, I would make a few attempts but if it didn't work, then I would be a little sad but move on. If I were happy with all other aspects of the gym, then no, I wouldn't do a gym move. And in no way would I "tattle" on the other parents to the coach but I didn't see the post where OP was considering that. I must have overlooked it. No, definitely a little wacky to talk to the coach about the unfriendliness of the other parents.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

I find its not one or the other. You can a lot of things together, mostly get along and behave like a grown up AND have CGM jealousy.

Our kids have group activities, ice cream gatherings, parties, group gatherings outside of gym. Have group dinners and together down time when the meet is away. Parents all get along.

And there is some not so cool behavior. I listen to the parents cluster and worry about "the new" kid. And where she is going to placed and how good she is because it might lower their kids placement at meets. The relief when they determine she isn't that good or is not in their kids level. I actually have heard other parents plot to avoid another parent who was thinking of moving to our gym, because the kid was good. Other parents telling one parent to talk our gym down, so she wouldn't move. Tell her its how expensive it is. Tell her the coaches are really hard on the kids and mean. If you see her in a store wait until she leaves, go down a different aisle. She would of been competition for the kids already here. I find all that petty and snarky. Thats not perception, that is reality. Why wouldn't you want to elevate the team. And that is why I don't stay at practice.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

One thing I always tell my kids is that no one can make you feel a certain way.. You choose to feel that way. So no one can make you mad, sad, etc, but you choose to feel that way.

Maybe IRL you say something different. But I don't think I misunderstood what you typed. You said you tell your kids they choose their feelings.

You tell them they choose to feel, mad, sad etc....

I would never tell my kid her feelings are a choice. I tend to empathize and then brainstorm.

I understand Y did a hurtful thing and you feel sad/mad. Maybe she had a bad day and her bucket is low. What do you think we can do............

But as typed above, I wouldn't tell her she if she is mad/sad because she chooses to feel that way. And my kid is pretty even keeled.

But I imagine all the kids who have issues and huge feelings and difficulty managing them. My daughters bipolar friend. I just can't imagine telling that child she is choosing to feel that way.

 

[skschlag]

You are right. I actually get jealous from time to time of one boy at the gym. He seems to get special treatment, the family brown noses a lot, the little brother comes to practice when he isn't on team. He doesn't do his conditioning, he does whatever he wants, and never gets in trouble for it.

But instead of acting on that jealousy (and maybe a bit of disdain), I am good friends with the mom. We hang out all the time. We talk about our boys, the good and the struggles. Our boys are friends and teammates. They love hanging out together.

I could have chosen to act on that moment of jealousy and shun her, ignore her, etc. but now I get it (most of the time, sometimes it still bugs me). She parents differently than I do, they make choices that I wouldn't make, but it doesn't affect me at all.

And this year (if D gets to compete), I am happy that some boys are not in his level/age group. This does not make me a bad person, just honest. So, xyz isn't there, but abc is. And we talk about that...whether we like it or not. And if he does not compete, I am sure there will be some that will be happy to hear that....and sad. But maybe boys are different. Not a snarky or dramatic lol

 

[QueenBee]

To be clear, I was never recommending a gym change because the other mommies don't like Wgymmom. I was more saying that the culture of her gym is the culture and you can accept it (sad feelings about it or not) or the only other thing to do was to leave. Changing other people just isn't going to happen. The only person wgymmom has control over is herself, so the only person she can make changes with is herself.

Now, there will always be the crazies/@$$#$ who think that being unwelcoming is going to somehow keep "new" or "good" kids from....what exactly? To my knowledge, mean mommies not including new mommies hasn't ever hurt good gymnasts in obtaining skills or placing high in competition. And even if those gymnasts don't join your gym - you will be seeing them at State, so being a jerk does what exactly in the long run? If your child is gonna get beaten by another gymnast - being a jerk isn't going to prevent that.

I agree with the other parents who say that trying to see the best in others is probably your best bet. And thinking that it must be jealously doesn't really help the situation (unless you feel better if you believe they are mean because they feel jealous). If that does make you feel better - then go for it. If you really want to try to make friends - then you need to figure out what you can do differently in the situation because what you are doing right now isn't working.

 

[skschlag]

Maybe IRL you say something different. But I don't think I misunderstood what you typed. You said you tell your kids they choose their feelings.
You tell them they choose to feel, mad, sad etc....

I would never tell my kid her feelings are a choice. I tend to empathize and then brainstorm.

I understand Y did a hurtful thing and you feel sad/mad. Maybe she had a bad day and her bucket is low. What do you think we can............

But as typed above, I wouldn't tell her she if she is mad/sad because she chooses to feel that way. And my kid is pretty even keeled.

But I imagine all the kids who have issues and huge feelings and difficulty managing them. My daughters bipolar friend. I just can't imagine telling that child she is choosing to feel that way.

OMG. I am not telling them they can't feel a certain way or not empathizing. I just don't let them place their feelings on others. Another person cannot make you feel a certain way. They can say something you don't like, but you chose your reaction to that. Please read what I said. My kids are allowed to have feelings, I just work with them on making sure the feelings are theirs. And yes, if I tell you to clean your room before you play video games, you have a choice: You can feel sad and cry about how mean I am, or you can choose to reluctantly clean your room and then play. that IS your choice.

I am not saying that my kids are not allowed to be sad, or mad. But I do teach them that the only feelings and actions they control are their own. They have no control over what others feel, say or do. ANd sometimes, it IS a choice.

 

[wgymmom]

Idk...but jealousy of any kind can be broken down. I am not trying to judge, but from your posts it does sound a little bit like you are bragging about your daughter . We all brag, I get it. But sometimes it's the "air" that comes with the bragging that troubles some.
At DD'S gym troubles among parents are not altogether seen because people are genuine. The elite gymnast has everyone rooting for her, and she and her parents root for all.
I guess what I am trying to say is be more reflective of your behavior. If you are truly genuine, it will be duly noted. Don't over think the behavior of others. Sometimes that creates the negative air the rubs people the wrong way. I hope this all makes sense.

1. I am posting this stuff HERE to explain things so you people who don't know me have somewhat of an idea of the situation. I've run into this before. What I say HERE does not reflect my deeds or actions IRL at the gym. Isn't this supposed to be a place away from the gyms so you can ask those CGM and weird questions? Yet I constantly get judged for what I say here as if I'm doing and saying the exact same things IRL.

2. I specifically stated multiple times - she is not a phenom, she is not elite, she is not TOPS, she has never skipped a level and never will, she is not super young, I am specifically trying NOT to be a jerk, and yet you overlook all of that to my plain relating of actual facts of an event that actually happened. Is it somehow my fault that the HC reacted as he did to my gymmie? Seriously, am I supposed to hide her away so people will like me? Because that, I won't do.

My behavior at the gym has NEVER reflected anything but genuine happiness for each and every gymnast and her successes, and sympathy with their struggles. Yes, I cheer for my daughter and I'm proud of her, but I would never in a million years go brag about her to another parent!