Parents Is parental jealousy for real?

[Deleted member 18037]

I too have seen, OP it must be something you are doing.

And I too am saying its not necessarily the case.

Is there anything to be done. Besides insert your self into their worlds. Sit down with them. Ask them to save you a seat, kill them with kindness. That way if they want to shut you out and be rude they have to do it obviously and show their true colors. If they don't you will slowly make in roads.

Hard to be the new one any where at any age. It usually takes effort and persistence on the part of the new person. I don't think folks realize how unwelcoming they can be, again, intent vs impact.

And having a kid who does well certainly upsets the apple cart of the parents who feel they are the top of the hill.

 

[wgymmom]

Maybe not, but I thought you may have been slipping in a "brag" or two/ (new HC pulled her to the front bc she was "too good" & using her as demo) - whatevs .. I like to think highly of my own little nugget! This post is implying that you think the other parents don't like you bc your dd is good- that's what you titled the thread- but gave no evidence to back up your jealousy theory. And you are kinda bragging about her- a least that's how GymmieC & I see it. And when we gave you some advice, you didn't say anything about the advice we gave, just that you felt defense about the "bragging" part. We don't know you, we can only read what you've posted & I believe we were just trying to help, not insult you

I was trying to explain a little about my daughter and relate some things that have happened in an attempt to help everyone understand the situation.

Again, what I post here is not remotely the same as what I say or do in person.

This whole post was a bad idea.

I'll be sure to be even more circumspect in the future.

 

[Taurus]

Well no hard feelings- if they are jealous, but you'd still like tp be friends, try and get them talking about themselves/kids and plaster a dazed smile on your face! (I'm looking for a dazed emoji.. I have no idea what this is!!

 

[Taurus]

^^^ so I had to just give you a winky!

 

[gymgal]

OP, as others have said, obviously jealousy can/does run through gym parents just because a girl is really good, but more often there are also other contributing factors. And it doesn't mean it is something you are doing. Could be your life style. You homeschool, right? I do too. I know how that can set people off. Even if you never say anything, the underlying perception is that your family is too good for the local schools. Add to this the thought that your dd has more time to rest, do gymnastics etc b/c she does homeschool... Could also be that the rest of the parents came up the ranks together and don't feel the need to welcome others in. Could be that you may think your actions are showing them you want to be let in but they may not be catching the point because it is too subtle. Do they actively avoid you? Not say hi when you greet them? give you dirty looks, talk behind your back? If none of this is happening, I would be more inclined to think it's not what you are thinking but more an issues of being a little aloof to parents not in their clique or they have interpreted your actions as being standoff-ish instead of inviting.

There are three choices - actively squeeze your way in, being sure to let them know you are interested in being part of the group. 2. Continue to gradually show your interest on the outskirts. 3. Change your perspective to one of you being there for your child and not caring whether you become friendly with the others.

 

[mom2newgymnast]

OP, I'm sorry that you are being treated this way. I don't know if it is jealousy or something else, but it does seem like you are doing all that you can do to try and be friendly and supportive. I would be upset too if I was treated the way you have been.

I haven't had that experience at my dd's gym thankfully and I don't know what I would do if I had. We just had our last meet of the season and the parents couldn't have been more encouraging and excited for ALL of the girls.Which is the way it should be. I'm sorry that you haven't had a positive experience there.

 

[raenndrops]

It makes me sad to read OP's words. One of the most positive things from accompanying my daughter as she navigates this sports is the relationships I've made with the other moms. I truly consider some of them dear friends. I mean, every now and then you'll get someone who is a bit stand-offish or a bit over-enthusiastic, but I've never experienced the meanness or the cliques.

Like another poster said, I go out of my way to be open and welcoming to the newest parents on the team. They have so many questions and are genuinely trying to figure out how they got dragged into this sport! My DD has been the best at her level and has been the worst, but I've never felt like other parents treated me differently from year to year.

I will say though that I don't see a lot of bragging from OP. Some pride maybe, but nothing that I think would warrant such behavior that she is seeing. Who knows what other factors are at play? There could be a difference in SES, it could be a cultural thing, it could be a "history" thing. Who knows? But I think that OP has done about as much as she can and now it's just time to walk away.

Keep cheering for their girls. Keep cheering for your girl. Be civil but don't initiate conversation. Or try to find at least one other mom who is friendly and get your socialization from there. But you can't force those other women to accept you so leave them to their unfriendliness and move on.

Our first season on team, there was one mom that was aloof with everyone that wasnt in her carpool. Her older daughter had competed for a big club previously and they were really clique-ish there. With her middle daughter, she decided to just keep to herself (and the parents from her neighborhood). By the second year, she was friendlier... We worked on the awards committee together every home meet... and by her youngest daughter's last season, we were very friendly (and had the most efficient awards ceremonies around).

 

[wgymmom]

OP, as others have said, obviously jealousy can/does run through gym parents just because a girl is really good, but more often there are also other contributing factors. And it doesn't mean it is something you are doing. Could be your life style. You homeschool, right? I do too. I know how that can set people off. Even if you never say anything, the underlying perception is that your family is too good for the local schools. Add to this the thought that your dd has more time to rest, do gymnastics etc b/c she does homeschool... Could also be that the rest of the parents came up the ranks together and don't feel the need to welcome others in. Could be that you may think your actions are showing them you want to be let in but they may not be catching the point because it is too subtle. Do they actively avoid you? Not say hi when you greet them? give you dirty looks, talk behind your back? If none of this is happening, I would be more inclined to think it's not what you are thinking but more an issues of being a little aloof to parents not in their clique or they have interpreted your actions as being standoff-ish instead of inviting.

There are three choices - actively squeeze your way in, being sure to let them know you are interested in being part of the group. 2. Continue to gradually show your interest on the outskirts. 3. Change your perspective to one of you being there for your child and not caring whether you become friendly with the others.

Yes, we do homeschool. I wish it wasn't the case that many families who do not homeschool take our choice to do so as a knock on their choices.

Right now, she does not do any more hours of practice than anyone else as a result of her schedule. Like I said, we don't do any privates and I don't know if anyone else does or doesn't.

I'm at the point of going for your choice #3. I wish that wasn't the case either, but that's how it's worked out.

 

[GYM0M]

Parental jealousy is a real thing. Have seen it, have dealt with it, have overcome it. And it's all in the way you do and say things. When someone says, "oh you're so-n-so's mom? She's so good!" Don't just say, "Aww gee thanks!" This can have an arrogant ring to those eavesdropping. Instead, engage the parent, usually a newbie mom or dad. Which one is yours? She's really good, too. Is she loving gymnastics?
Those are things you can do.
And while you joined the gym over 2 years ago, you are probably still the outsider. You mentioned that there are a few others that aren't home grown, right? Seek out these moms. They probably feel the same way you do. I'll be honest here: while parental jealousy may give some explanation to their snooty behavior, it's probably more likely that they see you as a fad. You travel a pretty good distance to this gym, right? What ties do you have to this gym that will keep you and your dd there when the road gets tougher or when another gym equal distance better suits your dd needs? Length of stay does not equate loyalty. I'll admit that I don't think to include parents that aren't in my contacts list, but I don't actively seek to exclude them either. This is not a black and white issue. There's a lot of grey area. DD is not a home grown gymnast. Joined team, not preteam, at 5.5 over some other little ones that had been there since the beginning of their journey. And that first year, while we in no way intended to be boastful or arrogant, we rubbed a few's shoulders the wrong way. It happens. We didn't make friends. We kept to ourselves. We accepted the compliments with aww gee thanks.....
It can be really hard when you have the season hot shot or the special attention kid. But trust me, it gets better. The road to the top (L8/9+) is often jammed with traffic (some drivers even have road rage), but once you cross the bridge, traffic usually clears out and the drivers are MUCH nicer! Lol!

 

[wallflower]

We are about to go into our fourth meet season with this gym. Coaching/head coaches have changed several times. DD is not a super phenom by any means, but has consistently been a top scorer. Has never skipped a level and is not likely to ever skip a level. Not TOPS, not elite. Is not super young. Current HC has noticed her BUT - she does not get any privates OR special attention at all. We do NOT talk to other people about our gymnast, we do not push for extra attention, we do not brag, we almost never go to practice at all.

Parents are extremely aloof. We go to events, go to fundraisers, participate, move tables, bake cookies, send encouraging emails and texts, congratulate parents/gymnasts, cheer for every single gymnast at the gym. As compulsories, we have attended optional meets, as optionals, we have attended compulsory meets. I really don't feel like there's much more we can do and I'm feeling incredibly fed up and upset.

I find it almost beyond belief that people could be jealous, but we're not seeing any other explanation whatsoever. Do grownups really act like this?

I'm not sure why aloof would point to jealously. I say this as a person who probably comes across as very unfriendly at the gym. Very aloof and I'm not jealous. I just don't have any interest in being best friends with people at the gym. I have bigger things to think about. I'm concerned about my kid and that's all I have the energy for. I don't like small talk and especially not when small talk will eventually turn to gym talk and I have ZERO interest in gym talk.

 

[motigymnasticsmom]

Look, wgymmom, I am one of those who is stand offish. These are my reasons and I can guarantee you it has nothing to do with jealousy. One reason that I have a very different life and once someone gets to know me, they think that I am weird. Well, the cold hard truth is that I am weird in my own quirky way. Another reason, once I do get to know someone, well, lets say, I can sense things about them too quickly and trying to be nice, I rather avoid than being a complainer. Third and main reason is that I have noticed over the last 6 years of dd doing gymnastics is that "friends" come and go in the gym world. Some families are here today and gone tomorrow, the higher up you go, the more the girls drop out for one reason or another. What I noticed is that most parents are hanging together already, then, they have already had a friendship long before "we" came into the picture. As for the jealousy part, I dont give a @#%! about any other persons jealousy, I believe that is their problem and they need to deal with it.

 

[wallflower]

I find its not one or the other. You can a lot of things together, mostly get along and behave like a grown up AND have CGM jealousy.

Our kids have group activities, ice cream gatherings, parties, group gatherings outside of gym. Have group dinners and together down time when the meet is away. Parents all get along.

And there is some not so cool behavior. I listen to the parents cluster and worry about "the new" kid. And where she is going to placed and how good she is because it might lower their kids placement at meets. The relief when they determine she isn't that good or is not in their kids level. I actually have heard other parents plot to avoid another parent who was thinking of moving to our gym, because the kid was good. Other parents telling one parent to talk our gym down, so she wouldn't move. Tell her its how expensive it is. Tell her the coaches are really hard on the kids and mean. If you see her in a store wait until she leaves, go down a different aisle. She would of been competition for the kids already here. I find all that petty and snarky. Thats not perception, that is reality. Why wouldn't you want to elevate the team. And that is why I don't stay at practice.

What you describe is typically how lower level parents behave. Because they have time and energy to worry about nothing. Your daughter is what level 3/4?

Wait until your gymnast is an upper level optional and nobody cares about such things. We are all too focused on our child's health and well being. How is her body doing today? Did she survive another practice? Is she permanently damaging her body? Can I take another day of this horrible/wonderful/painful/beautiful sport? Why does she torture herself this way?

A parent of a level 3/4 gymnast DOES NOT understand any of this.

 

[gymmiemom]

Parent jealousy is real. I have dealt with it and still do. But really if I let it bug me, then it is just as much my issue as theirs, if that makes sense. When I get comments like "wow, your daughter is really good" or my favorite "I've never seen her fall before" I try to ignore them and just put the ball back in their court. I respond with, "thanks so is your daughter!" or "isn't amazing how all of them just get right back up?" I try really hard to not let it get to me. And sometimes, to be brutally honest, I might just be over sensitive to how others react to my DD having a rough day in the gym or at a meet and their need to comment on it.

Now with that all said. I have two really good friends within our gym. We socialize outside of gymnastics and I know that we are going to be life long friends. But our daughters started gymnastics together, moved to team together and we learned the sport together. Now all 3 of our DD's are at different levels and we are still as tight as ever. So are the girls. Everyone else I am polite to, but I do not go out of my way. I have spent time trying to be welcoming, but over half of the families are gone by the end of their L4 season. I know longer waste my time trying to build actual friendships. Would I let a mom sit by herself at a gym function? No, but I am not going to go out of my way to make small talk day to day either.

 

[duyetanh]

Yes.
It does.
And it does suck, because we are all human.
But as long as it is not taken out on my child, I am fine with it My child is by no means awesome, but she is young for her level which definitely caused resentment from both children and parents for awhile...which I found hilarious, because if she were at any other gym around here, she would be at the bottom of the barrel! Thankfully, the feelings passed, mainly I think because my child is a quiet one, and I never talked about anything to parents.

I am in the "I don't want to visit with these people camp beyond a smile and a hi." I am actually a friendly, social person. But not at the gym. For me, I view gym as hers. I am NEVER rude, but I don't go out and party with the parents at meets and leave the kids in the room. I think everyone is different, and if that is what you are looking for, then it is hard, and I am sorry. It is human nature to want acceptance. Girl drama never seems to end, does it. I think this is why I am glad I was such a tomboy as a child...never had time for the girls. It has probably really helped me as a parent. I know there are cliques at my dd's gym, and at times people will try and get me on the bash and crash wagon. I don't get on, as it is a two faced ride, but I listen, quietly amused that I am being included for the time being. I know if I were in your shoes, I would not deal with the haters, I would just do my own thing and focus on my child....I have found when you stop trying all of a sudden people seek you out...and then you yourself can decide how you want to deal with them. Good luck to you.

 

[duyetanh]

I too have seen, OP it must be something you are doing.

And I too am saying its not necessarily the case.

Is there anything to be done. Besides insert your self into their worlds. Sit down with them. Ask them to save you a seat, kill them with kindness. That way if they want to shut you out and be rude they have to do it obviously and show their true colors. If they don't you will slowly make in roads.

Hard to be the new one any where at any age. It usually takes effort and persistence on the part of the new person. I don't think folks realize how unwelcoming they can be, again, intent vs impact.

And having a kid who does well certainly upsets the apple cart of the parents who feel they are the top of the hill.

Like times 10,000...and this is coming from someone whose child wouldn't even tilt the cart, let alone upset it....

 

[GYM0M]

A parent of a level 3/4 gymnast DOES NOT understand any of this.

In my earlier years of CB & being a gymmie mom, I probably would have taken offense to this......
BUT NOW
Can I take another day of this horrible/wonderful/painful/beautiful sport? Why does she torture herself this way?
^^^THIS^^^ a million times a week. With every tear, every ice bath, every baulk, every ghostly skill......
However, the joy on her face with every tiny step forward tells me why she does it every day! True joy, true love, true passion

 

[wallflower]

In my earlier years of CB & being a gymmie mom, I probably would have taken offense to this......
BUT NOW
Can I take another day of this horrible/wonderful/painful/beautiful sport? Why does she torture herself this way?
^^^THIS^^^ a million times a week. With every tear, every ice bath, every baulk, every ghostly skill......
However, the joy on her face with every tiny step forward tells me why she does it every day! True joy, true love, true passion

Yes, I would have taken offense when my DD was a level 3/4 as well. Because we totally understood right? I mean this level 3/4 stuff is really intense. How dare anyone suggest it's not the same as level 10.

And then we found out we didn't have any clue.

 

[duyetanh]

Yes, I would have taken offense when my DD was a level 3/4 as well. Because we totally understood right? I mean this level 3/4 stuff is really intense. How dare anyone suggest it's not the same as level 10.

And then we found out we didn't have any clue.

One of my friends whose dd is a level 9 tells me it truly WAS really intense at that level...but for very different reasons..

 

[Committed]

Isn't OPs DD a L7?

I definitely see jealousy at the lower levels ...... even preteam. There is so much stress about meets, skills, move ups, coaching, etc.
Maybe a better word would be insecurity.

 

[GYM0M]

One of my friends whose dd is a level 9 tells me it truly WAS really intense at that level...but for very different reasons..

Oh yeah, it was/is intense! It was a lot about what level is she gonna be, whose not gonna be that level, my kids better than her, why does she get to move up & mine doesn't? Ooooo I hope she stays on beam, maybe she'll get on the podium, so n so is gonna beat her?!?! What???
The intensity is focused outwardly in the lower levels, even lower level optionals, but once your dd gets to a certain point, you'll see the intensity turn inward, for her at least. You'll no longer worry about age groups and other competitors. In fact, you'll make friends with moms from competing gyms. Your gymmie will become so focused and determined that it scares you far beyond the dangerous skills she's training. The gauge of success in compulsories is often the podium, but my dd could care less about medals anymore. For her, it is truly and absolutely about her love for the sport. It is difficult to explain. I used to worry about how she would feel if she didn't place at a meet, as recently as last year at L7. Now, she's so invested in gymnastics that I worry about her longevity in the sport and how she will respond when her journey ends. Like gymnastics is consuming her identity and I fear she won't know who she is without it. And I pray every day that her sport is not taken away from her before she's ready (like an injury or something.)