My daughter is an emotional mess. How do I help her

[sleeping judy]

A little background. My dd is seven and training level 5. She did compete level 4 last year and going into it, didn't really know what to expect. She went to practice and didn't really care about imperfections and if she got a skill or not. In fact, she went through half the year without her front hip circle, but finally got it at open gym one night. She didn't score well at the beginning of the year, but really improved as the year went on.

Now, she knows going in what she needs and has become quite the perfectionist. If she doesn't get a skill every time she gets teary eyed and has to be talked down. For example, yesterday she was at practice and had gotten her kip for the first time the day before. She didn't get her kip right away yesterday and started to get all emotional. Her coach said she loves that dd is such a go getter this year, but fears that dd will burn out because of all the pressure she is putting on herself.

I have had multiple pep talks with her this summer and she will seem ok and then back at practice the same thing happens. She does still love going, but what can I do to get her to not take this so seriously?

 

[MaryA]

That's really hard. Sometimes I think that gymnastics is too intense of a sport for the more sensative souls, but then, at the same time, you have to figure that she's going to have to be navigating intense and competitive situations her whole life, in one form or another, so maybe learning to deal with it in gymnastics will help her develop tools to use later in life.

One of my daughters is incredibly sensative (not my gymnast, thank goodness!). I find that it's really important that I listen to her. Try repeating her concerns back to her. Instead of saying, "Oh, sweetie, you'll get your kip in time for your first competition!" say, "You're worrying that you're not going to get your kip in time." or "You're frustrated because you did your kip yesterday but can't do it today." It's not a magic bullet or anything, but it may get your daughter to talk more about how she feels. Try to get her to talk about what the worst-case scenario is. If she's worried about what will happen if she doesn't have her kip (or whatever skill she's stressing about) by the first meet, try to get her to explore what's the WORST that will happen. If she doesn't get the skill, will she have to repeat level 4? Would there be anything good about repeating level 4? (doing very well, getting medals, etc.) Will she just compete without the skill? Remind her of not having her fhc. What happened then? (The world did not end. She improved over the season. She still got to move on to level 5.) I think the less talking you do and the more talking you get her to do, the better. I think that sensative kids have very strong internal BS detectors. If you start telling her things that she knows you can't promise, like "You'll get your kip at tomorrow's practice!" or whatever, she may back away and stop talking about it. Or she may feel like she's letting you down if she doesn't get it at tomorrow's practice.

Of course, every kid is different, so this may be of no help to you whatsoever. But I do know, for my kid, that no amount of "Oh, honey. It will be O.K." is as helpful as making sure she knows that I am hearing what is really bothering her and validating her concerns.

 

[mayestra12]

I think MaryA has great suggestions! My dd is also 7 and very much the same way. If I say something like "Oh, don't worry" or "forget about it" she will continue in a negative downward spiral. I have learned to really listen and just repeat what she is saying. It shocked me one day when I was listening to her vent about some cartwheel on the beam contest her coach did during practice that she actually said she felt better when I barely said a thing! It's not always easy to do but when I get it right it works magic! For us, 7 is a tough age!

 

[Muddlethru]

I think frustration is inevitable in gymnastics and childhood as a whole, especially when a child struggles to master something new. The intensity of a child’s frustration is magnified by how insurmountable the barriers seem and how badly she wants to succeed. Until she does, her self-esteem may be at stake.

For a young and new gymnast surrounded by other gymnasts who are competent in so many things she has yet to master, it is hard to believe that one day she, too, will master the same skills. “I’m no good at thisâ€￾ is only a short step away from “I’m no good at allâ€￾ in a young child’s mind. My DD is also very hard on herself. She gets this black cloud around her when she cannot perform a skill perfectly and then she loses focus and then throws herself at trying to do the skill over and over again. The harder she tries , the worse it gets. I've tried to help her soothe herself by demonstrating patience and self control and by suggesting some self-calming strategies such as taking a break, doing something fun; or beginning the task again with a smaller step so that there is a first success to build on. I also try to help her hold on to her sense of self-worth by helping her remember her past successes – and the struggles that preceded them. I put her current struggle into perspective by recalling other times that she thought she’d never succeed, until she did. I also try to explain to her that learning involves trial and error. Mastering a new skill takes patience, perseverance, practice, and the confidence that success will come. Some tasks may seem monumental. So I try to shrink the task in her eyes so it seems less insurmountable.

I am not always successful in utilizing the strategies above. In fact, I think often times, I speak over my daughter's head because she gives me that blank stare and then asks me the same question I felt I just answered. But I just continue to try new strategies and continue communication with the hope that one day one of the life lessons I've tried to teach her will sink in and will help her when she truly needs it.

I think you should be proud that despite the emotion roller coaster your daughter is going through and putting your through, she is demonstrating passion for her chosen sport and the desire to do well. And I think that is a good thing.

 

[sally]

I have just had the same problem with my dd who is seven. She never cried before until this year. So I told her I am pulling her out even though she told me she loved it I couldn't see that love there. She has stopped for about 6 weeks now and only just went back on saturday to her new club. I am so glad that I saw the signs early as now she keeps nagging me to go back to gym and when she did on saturday I actually saw the love again. I think she just needed a little break. When I had asked her about gymnastics her reply was "I love gymnastics but you can't talk everything is serious" which is sad for a little 7 year old to say.

I would just watch her for a period because you don't want her to end up hating gymnastics and see if she gets through it. Good Luck with it all.

 

[fuzi]

This might be seem obvious, but also make sure she is eating healthy, getting enough rest, and having fun outside of gymnastics with friends and family. As I coach, I've noticed that my gymnasts are often a lot more emotional when they are hungry, tired, or they feel like gymnastics is everything.

 

[Mack_the_Ripper]

She needs to be proactively calm. By this I mean that she should know ahead of time that she might get upset, maybe cry, if she doesn't get a skill. Then once she starts to get frustrated, she can take a 5 minute break or do whatever she must to calm down. It's stopping the upset in the early stages that is key. I know she is young but I worked on this strategy at her age as well.