As someone who has celiac, I completely understand how your children can feel left out and excluded. That said, I think we need to differentiate between people who just don't 'get it', and people who don't care enough to find food your children can eat. You will encounter both, and you have to remember it's your job (either as the parent of a child with allergies, or someone with allergies yourself, like me) to inform people about what you need, and how they can go about doing that (whether it's actually providing food, or choosing a place to eat). Using someone else's example of epilepsy: If you were planning your child's birthday party and a parent said to you 'my child has epilepsy, she can't tolerate flashing/bright lights', and left it at that, would you feel comfortable planning activities without further information? What if your child really wanted to do laser tag and the arena had a strobe light? A lazy person would say, "well that's too bad, Suzie won't be able to attend the party, sorry". A person who just doesn't 'get it' might assume laser tag is out, but a gymnastics party should be fine, having no idea that exercise is something that triggers this girls' seizures. There are some things that people need to have spelled out for them, and that's okay!
I was diagnosed with celiac when I was 12 (it's been 8 years now), and yes I definitely did feel left out at times and it sucked. Overnight school trips were stressful because I was self-conscious about being different and didn't want to have to take 5 mins of a waiter's time to ask every detail about the food. I still feel like that when my friends and I go out to eat. However, I would not expect my whole class to eat salads because I couldn't eat the pasta or pizza in the restaurant. When my colleagues and I go out to eat to celebrate someone's birthday (and they get to pick where we eat) I am pleasantly surprised if we go somewhere I can eat, but wouldn't expect them to change their plans because of me. Some people ask, some people don’t. At the pool, when the head guard brings in timbits at the end of the session, I am sometimes asked what they can bring in so I can have a treat too. Which is lovely and thoughtful, but I wouldn't interpret someone as being intentionally malicious if it didn't occur to them that I can't eat donuts and didn't bring me something instead. I don’t make a big deal out of it, so why should it be something that everyone knows about and is thinking about constantly?
When someone takes the time to make me something that is gluten-free, it’s both fantastic because I know they were thinking about me and wanted to bring something I could eat, and stressful because I then have to inquire about the ingredients, how it was made, and then usually politely and awkwardly decline when I see my gluten-free brownie sitting atop a pile of gluten-y brownies. Sometimes even my good friends will be eating a croissant, or cookie, or something, and offer me a bite. They don’t have to deal with celiac every day, so it doesn’t cross their mind that I can’t eat what they’re offering me. They always apologize profusely after when I politely say, ‘sorry I can’t, there’s wheat in it’, because they are caring people who just don’t ‘get it’. I’ve also had a very immature 12 year old boy wave pizza or donuts under my nose every lunchtime and tease me that I couldn’t eat it. That is a person who doesn’t care, and you can’t do much about them except refuse to let them get to you.
I guess I’m just trying to say that it’s complicated. If it is possible to include everyone, and 80% of the time it is, take the proper steps to ensure you/your child can eat the food provided (even if it means substituting your own, or speaking to whoever is in charge of the meal and make sure they know exactly what you need and how they can help). If for whatever reason there is nothing available for your child, explain to them they are not intentionally being excluded and that on the way home they can choose where to stop for a treat, or you’ll take them rock-climbing tomorrow to make up for it, or whatever. If you take it as a personal offence every single time you are not included, your children will pick up on it. They will either become embarrassed about needing something different and afraid to speak up, or expect to be given special treatment by others who do not know how to do this.
I appreciate where you’re coming from, and it really sucks to have to deal with food allergies (either yours, your child’s or someone else’s), but I think you’ll end up feeling quite unhappy if you expect others to know exactly what you need without telling them. Thanks for the post though, I think it’s really made others aware about using food as a reward as well as the issues kids with food allergies face.
Sorry for the novel haha.
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