Anon Should I say something?

[Anonymous (3eac)]

I am struggling with how to approach a concern I have with my daughter's head coach. There have been several instances this season where the coach has made comments that have really affected my daughter's confidence. There was a comment earlier in the season about her legs being awful and this was why she was going to score badly this season. She has in fact had lower scores this season but it was not due to this specific issue. Now recently she was trying a newer skill and was told her legs were "atrocious" and she didn't need to do that skill unless she fixed her legs. Again this was a NEW skill that she has all summer and fall to work on and not even a necessary skill for her level, just something she was playing around with, so in my opinion the comment was unnecessary and cruel. She has always loved her coach and she just can't understand why the coach's attitude toward her has changed. She has always been the type of athlete who listens and does what she is told while she has many teammates who are not great listeners and to be frank are lazy and find any excuse to lay around and waste time so they don't have to do thinks they don't enjoy like conditioning but these girls are praised while my daughter is getting these types of unnecessary comments. I am not sure if it is worth saying anything because I don't want to make things worse for her but its really bothering me.

 

[Geoffrey Taucer]

I'd let the coach know directly. If they're a good coach, they'll listen and take it to heart; we all want our kids to be confident. If not.... well, then you know, and can make decisions accordingly.

 

[Anonymous (ebcc)]

My DD was sensitive to negative adjectives like this and TBH, I do think the use of them, at some level, reveals the coach's true feelings towards the athlete (just as your 'frank' comments on the lazy and time wasting teammates reveal your opinion of them). I didn't expect my DD to be a favorite but I did expect her to be treated with respect.

I did speak to my DD's coaches about it. I was careful in my word choice and tried very hard not to shame them as they were young and didn't have kids or really much life experience. Things improved for my DD although one coach didn't speak to me again (the one I genuinely liked, lol).

 

[Anonymous (ff10)]

Sorry, but I can see a scenario where this is just normal criticism of an athlete working through the normal growth process. Context is important and delivery is important in these situations. Was this said in a joking manner, was he/she yelling, during a competition, singled out in front of the whole group, is this a 6 yo or 12 yo, etc. As you describe, there is an element that sounds a bit of hurt parent pride, which is completely understandable. Ive been there, start looking for small slights, and you will find them. By your own admission, she has been scoring lower. One cannot get better without some form of constructive criticism and something like bent legs is a legitimate reason for lower scores versus some non-specific statement like youre not trying hard enough.
Regardless you are the parent, you are closest to the situation. If you are genuinely concerned that the delivery and intent was malicious and not just normal course of criticism, say something in a respectful and rational manner or seek alternatives.

 

[Geoffrey Taucer]

Sorry, but I can see a scenario where this is just normal criticism of an athlete working through the normal growth process. Context is important and delivery is important in these situations. Was this said in a joking manner, was he/she yelling, during a competition, singled out in front of the whole group, is this a 6 yo or 12 yo, etc. As you describe, there is an element that sounds a bit of hurt parent pride, which is completely understandable. Ive been there, start looking for small slights, and you will find them. By your own admission, she has been scoring lower. One cannot get better without some form of constructive criticism and something like bent legs is a legitimate reason for lower scores versus some non-specific statement like youre not trying hard enough.

Ok, but even if this is the case, the coach needs to know that it's hurting the athlete's confidence.

 

[Anonymous (ca97)]

Ok, but even if this is the case, the coach needs to know that it's hurting the athlete's confidence.

Two way communication - gymnasts need to learn to take constructive feedback; coaches need to learn child psychology and how to deliver feedback in an age appropriate way.

As for kids, a lot of it is from home - especially when parents try to be good gentle parents, which makes them more sensitive to honest/less sugar coated feed back. Shamefully I am not really good at gentle parenting, but somehow my kids have built up resilience and learned to take constructive feedback well and cortisol doesn’t equate to less love/care.

 

[Anonymous (98f6)]

What would you say?

 

[Geoffrey Taucer]

Two way communication - gymnasts need to learn to take constructive feedback; coaches need to learn child psychology and how to deliver feedback in an age appropriate way.

Yes, communication goes two ways, and is a collaborative effort. That's why it's important to let the coach know what's working and what isn't. If the coaches' way of communicating is hurting a kid's confidence, the coach should know that and adjust accordingly.

But also, while the communication is two way street, the two sides do not share equal responsibility. The coach is the adult; the onus is on us coaches to be the mature ones. It would be great if the athletes could be expected to handle everything with the maturity we'd expect from an adult, but they're not adults. More of the onus is on us to make the communication work.

 

[Anonymous (ebcc)]

As for kids, a lot of it is from home - especially when parents try to be good gentle parents, which makes them more sensitive to honest/less sugar coated feed back. Shamefully I am not really good at gentle parenting, but somehow my kids have built up resilience and learned to take constructive feedback well and cortisol doesn’t equate to less love/care.

I agree that two way communication is important. Kids need to learn how to be coached. As a parent, I can help with that by giving my kid advice and context they may be missing from conversations. Also, I paid a ton of money for my kid to do gymnastics and during the week she spent more time with her coaches than I did. So yeah, I'm gonna speak up if there's something that isn't working that can otherwise be solved by a simple change.

 

[Anonymous (ebcc)]

What would you say?

I looked back at an old email just to make sure I was remembering correctly. I addressed it from the perspective that I was simply sharing info about my kid. What does and doesn't work for her. I tried to explain in detail how my kid perceived things. I always included self-deprecating humor and assurances that I overall am happy with the gym's coaching and philosophy. I really did respect them although things did sour considerably during my DDs senior year but that's a different story.

This was over 10 years ago. She still struggles with humor/sarcasm or tricky dynamics in relationships. I think she has some neurodivergence which I didn't fully appreciate when she was a kid.

 

[Anonymous (3eac)]

Sorry, but I can see a scenario where this is just normal criticism of an athlete working through the normal growth process. Context is important and delivery is important in these situations. Was this said in a joking manner, was he/she yelling, during a competition, singled out in front of the whole group, is this a 6 yo or 12 yo, etc. As you describe, there is an element that sounds a bit of hurt parent pride, which is completely understandable. Ive been there, start looking for small slights, and you will find them. By your own admission, she has been scoring lower. One cannot get better without some form of constructive criticism and something like bent legs is a legitimate reason for lower scores versus some non-specific statement like youre not trying hard enough.
Regardless you are the parent, you are closest to the situation. If you are genuinely concerned that the delivery and intent was malicious and not just normal course of criticism, say something in a respectful and rational manner or seek alternatives.

This isn't about me being butt hurt. My daughter was hurt by the comment and while I completely agree that constructive criticism is important and completely okay, the coach also needs to be aware of the language they are using. Telling a child of any age that their legs are atrocious is harsh and there are 100 other ways to say it that would be far more constructive and less harmful. No the coach wasn't yelling and this wasn't during a competition, as I said in my original question this was during practice and she was simply showing him a move that she was playing around with for a future floor routine and thought it was a cool move (not even a skill necessarily just a cute move) so it wasn't that serious and the coach shouldn't have been so harsh. I do like her coach and she likes her coach, this is one of her favorite coaches but there seems to be a shift this season and it is messing with my child's mental health. This isn't the only time a harsh comment was made that could have been stated with more tact.

 

[Anonymous (ebcc)]

Are you the one who wrote about blatant favoritism? Writing styles and language are similar which is why I ask. If so, you don't need to identify yourself however I think you know the answer in this case - time for a new gym.

 

[Anonymous (3eac)]

What would you say?

I think I would just explain how the coach's choice of words has affected her confidence this season. I am not sure if it will make a difference at this point but our options are limited so changing gyms isn't a simple choice and she doesn't want to leave she just wants to feel like her coach doesn't think she's garbage if she makes a mistake and right now because of the language she thinks she sucks and that this is how her coach feels because of the things stated above.

 

[Anonymous (3eac)]

Are you the one who wrote about blatant favoritism? Writing styles and language are similar which is why I ask. If so, you don't need to identify yourself however I think you know the answer in this case - time for a new gym.

No that wasn't me. I know I mentioned the other girls but this isn't really about favortism, I think the coach probably uses this language with them as well at times but I also know that this sort of thing doesn't affect everyone the same way. Some girls can just shake it off and move on but my girl wears her heart on her sleeve. She is also a perfectionist (as many gymnasts are) and always wants to impress her coaches so she is very able to take constructive criticism when it is in fact constructive and not hurtful.