To leave or not to leave?

[mayestra12]

Some of you may have read my other posts about my dd and her anxiety.

DD has generalized anxiety disorder and has now missed two summer practices due to the fears and worries her anxiety causes. When she has a "meltdown" and won't go into the gym there is absolutely nothing I can say or do that will get her to go to practice.

I am kind of at a loss about what to say / do for her. I can't keep taking her to practice and not have her go in the gym. I feel awful as dd truly wants to do gym but can't put her worries aside. I think I'm at the point where I have to say three strikes and your out. Is that wrong? I can't punish her for having anxiety but what else can I do?

I am worried if I take her out she will be depressed and I'll never get her to go back even if she wanted to go back later. DD works with a psychologist but hasn't made a lot of progress and the psychologist certainly isn't helping our family help her at all. I feel so clueless.

I can say the the gym and coaches are very supportive and understand what is going on. I can't help but feel like dd is using the anxiety as an excuse to miss practice even though I know her fears are real for her. I've to get her do to rec classes for while but she refuses.

 

[CoachGoofy]

Stupid question: Is her anxiety being treated? "Toughing it out" and trying to beat it via willpower is literally impossible.

 

[10.0]

I really don't know. On one hand I can see that you obviously don't want to waste time and money on something she is going to not do most of the time and on the other I want to say don't punish her over her issues that will just add to the anxiety problem. Best advice I guess is to talk with her doctor and ask what he/she suggests. This might not be the best time for an organized activity where she is required to be there. Maybe open gym or a more play type activity where you can come and go? It has to be hard and I wish you luck!

 

[gym law mom]

I would get with her doc and ask about another psychologist since you said this one isn't helping. Also discuss her reluctance/fears to go to practice. I know at the beginning of the summer you were feeling she had made some progress. Can she tell you what she is upset about or has something happened in the last week or 2?
10.0 may have a point that right now, an activity like gymnastics just isn't a good thing for her. Brainstorming with her coaches may also be helpful---they might have some ideas to lessen the tension.

 

[lilgymmie7]

As a Mom of a DS 13 with anxiety, a red flag went up when I read that her psychologist is NOT helping you help her with her anxiety. My son's counselor and psychiatrist certainly give us many ways/options to help him cope with daily life. However, he has never welled up with anxiety over his sport. At 13, it is all pretty socially based. Perhaps a deep meeting with her dr. is much needed. Good luck to you and especially your DD. I hope things change for the better soon!

 

[mayestra12]

Yes, she sees a child psychologist. She does not take any medication.

We have an appointment tonight to see if the psychologist can help get to the bottom of this issue. I feel so helpless!

The gym and coaches have been so supportive and her coach has said she can go in the gym and bounce on the trampoline when she gets there before practice. The only reason she has not missed practice until now was because her old coaches would take her from me in tears and her coach now will not deal with that. Honestly, I don't want him too and he shouldn't have to do that either.

She usually says she doesn't know what she is worried about or why she can't go in the gym. I finally got her to admit today that she was nervous about back handsprings. The coach had said on Tuesday that they were going to work only on back handsprings today for 3-hours. I don't know what the fear is about. Fear that she won't be able to do it? Fear that others will get and she won't? Fear that? I don't know. I'm sure it can be a scary skill but she's training to move to level 4.

It kills me to see her this way but I really want her to work through it. Maybe she can't...I just don't know. Of course if she says she simply doesn't want to do gymnastics then that's fine but she's not saying that as of right now and I can't punish her for having anxiety, right?

 

[lilgymmie7]

No, you certainly can not punish her for having anxiety. However, the FF can be approached in a different way. Can you set up a private and have her coach break up the skill for her? This way she can remember what went on in the private session each time she walks into practice. Children with anxiety can learn to do anything. They just may need a different approach in order to get there.

 

[gymdog]

Yes, she sees a child psychologist. She does not take any medication.

Has she been evaluated by a psychiatrist? Is there somewhere she can do "open" gym or camp with less intense instruction at this point? I would definitely bring her early and have her do something "centering" - swinging on the rope, jumping on the tramp, playing in the pit, if they have okayed this. There needs to be a routine and she needs to understand that the routine will be followed and she will be able to control what happens to a certain extent (i.e. she can say "i'm uncomfortable with this" and then count to 30 and decide whether there is something "smaller" she can do). Many times she will need to be talked through what will happen "on the other side" of doing even a relatively simple action like walking in the door. At this point her brain probably isn't processing transitions very well and that is what can contribute to such severe anxiety at such a young age. I have worked with children with similar issues and rigidity. If she is somewhat rigid in her daily routines then this may indicate that is part of the problem. So, managing transitions is key and that requires talking through the expectations on boundaries and what comes next.

Prompt cards are one thing that I have seen work well. Just take some index cards and you can write about three things that can help her manage a transition (either three on one card, or three different ones with pictures and colors, whatever you think she'll like). Something like "count to 30", "ask for help", "get a drink of water", "think about how much I've already learned."

Eventually the goal is to be able to get her to manage this herself without as much adult intervention. Intervention and reminders should be in as neutral a manner as possible. It is important not to convey any sense of impatience or irritation, and also avoid overly babying her. You will want to make sure she is completely clear on how the system of prompt cards and following the prompts to manage a transition or new thing will work, and then refer her to pick an option. If it doesn't work pick another option. If no options work then you have to have a neutral ending such as she will sit down or that event will be done for the day. You don't want to reward or punish it. The goal is neutrality and a mutual agreement where the child is involved and understands that if the problems cannot be managed, this will be the outcome and why (it is unsafe to attempt things when upset, etc).

These are just a few ideas. You don't want to overthink it, but you need to come up with something she is involved in and has some ownership of in managing her emotions and behavior. Then she needs to know it will be followed and there will be a consistent routine on gymnastics days to prepare for practice. I would avoid letting her get attached to specific things, try to keep the routine as basic as possible, working to add in additions and slight changes when she is at a more successful point.

 

[vagymmomma]

I think Gymdog had some constructive suggestions. My DS 13 also suffers from anxiety. I always struggle with when to push, but the reality is that the real world is a lot scarier and carries more stress than there will ever be in the gym. The gym is a forum to help her try to manage the anxiety and hopefully some of the coping mechanisms she learns will carry into life. It sounds like the gym is being extremely supportive. Talk to the coaches about how she can continue to build up her skills a little at a time. At some point, she has to do it herself, but try not to let her off too easy (like you said -- sometimes the kids can play you a little when you worry --I've been through that myself).

 

[bluesocks]

I think I have posted this before,but IMHO it is worth repeating. I have a similar aged daughter also dealing with anxiety. What has helped me as a parent more than anything is livesinthebalance.org by Dr. Ross Greene. He gives great tools for structuring conversations with your child. And, in my experience, it really can work.The conversation would go something like this..."I have noticed that you cry a lot when it's time for gymnastics. But, when you are there you really seem to enjoy it. What's up with that?". And, you go from there.I had this type of conversation with my DD because she would cry when I dropped her off at before school care when I would talk with the other kids. It was so frustrating. Turns out she was worried I was going to miss my train if I talked to the kids. Now we have a plan that works for both of us.Blue

 

[mayestra12]

Thanks everyone. I'm so angry / upset / frustrated over this and I don't know what to do with her. I'm sure I'm doing everything wrong even though I try to stay calm and patient. Her behavior at the moment is less than desirable so that is also contributing to the problems. Ugh.

We took her to the psychologist tonight and the doctor assured us that she wants to do gymnastics. She was upset about an issue that happened on Tuesday. Apparently, a teammate she is close with got yelled for getting in the way of a boy doing a floor routine. I guess she was worried she might get yelled at too? I'm not quite sure but I do know when stuff like that happens she can't let it go easily.

I don't know what to do but take it one day at a time. She has gymnastics camp tomorrow so hopefully that will renew her and we can make a plan to get her to go to practice on Tuesday.

I don't know about changing doctors or see a psychiatrist. Perhaps that should be the next step.

 

[cher062]

Good to hear she is seeing someone and from the degree you are stating here meds might be the way to go. I think you need a confrence with the DR to make sure everyone is on the same page for what to do.

Are you (spouse, family etc) also seeing someone to help guide you in how to handle some of these thing your DD is going through. They may be able to help you see things from outside the box and give you some tools you can use to ease her anxiety.

 

[mayestra12]

No, we don't have anyone. Just a pile of anxiety books for parents on my night stand.

 

[dinkalina]

to leave or not - reply

I think there comes a time where as a parent you have to ask yourself if the activity is doing more harm than good. In this situation, is her going through hysterics everytime she goes to gym hurting more than the good she gets out of gym once she's in there. I have always been of the mindset of giving the opportunity to kids to do what they love regardless of their skill of that activity. I have had to adjust that mindset a bit with my youngest son Davinci. Davinci came home from China when he was 7 years old. It took some time to figure it out but he ended up having severe hypontia, severe hearing loss in both ears, and a coordination disorder. Unfortunately for him, he was given a family in which music and dance (and now gymnastics) are the air his siblings breathe. Every single one of them is extremely athletic and great musicians. For a couple of years, Davinci tried his hardest to do everything his siblings did - most of the time with extremely painful results. He tried gymnastics and got badly hurt every single time he went. He tried dance with slightly less painful outcomes but no less frustrating. Piano lessons turned in huge melt downs because he couldn't get his fingers to cooperate and couldn't hear the notes well enough. He was always happy to be involved but the frustration of not being able to keep up and the pain of getting injured was really doing an number on his self esteem as well as taking a physical cost on his body. I finally said to him - you need to discover something that brings YOU total joy without the mental and physical pain. You need to stop chasing after your siblings and do what is best for you. It's hard as a parent to say "Look, you are trying your best, but for your well being, this needs to stop". Art and acting are HIS passions now - less chance of injury and less frustration all around.

 

[Tumblequeensmom]

I'm just going to add my own two cents worth too. From personal experience, an anxiety disorder can't just be "talked away." It does have a physiological basis and the only thing that has helped me has been taking some anti-anxiety meds. I also had the typical physical symptoms (didn't know at the time it was all anxiety-related), and the constant preoccupation w/ thinking I was going to die, become sick, get hurt, etc. I would laugh at myself w/friends, but the physical/mental symptoms didn't go away until I began my meds.

If her anxiety is truly affecting her life, then a reevaluation is definitely in order.

PS. You probably already know that a psychologist cannot write a prescription for medication

 

[gymjourneymom]

I'm just going to add my own two cents worth too. From personal experience, an anxiety disorder can't just be "talked away." It does have a physiological basis and the only thing that has helped me has been taking some anti-anxiety meds. I also had the typical physical symptoms (didn't know at the time it was all anxiety-related), and the constant preoccupation w/ thinking I was going to die, become sick, get hurt, etc. I would laugh at myself w/friends, but the physical/mental symptoms didn't go away until I began my meds.

If her anxiety is truly affecting her life, then a reevaluation is definitely in order.

PS. You probably already know that a psychologist cannot write a prescription for medication

Thank you for sharing your personal experience Tumblequeen's mom. I have to say I agree 100%!!! If GAD is affecting how a person functions on a day to day basis. If it's stopping them from living their lives as they once did or want to, it may be time to think about starting on medication along with proper therapy, IMHO.

I've seen an amazing transformation in my loved one with GAD since he started on meds. It's like he got his life back! It's sad to think of how much time & joy he wasted suffering with untreated GAD. And how much stress it brought to our whole family as he struggled with it daily. I'm just so happy he finally sought treatment & accepted taking meds. It was a HUGE hurdle because his anxiety made him afraid to take meds...he was stuck in a catch 22 for many years. Now all of our lives have changed for the better because of proper treatment. There is hope & treatment. Your DD doesn't have to feel this way. Please seek a 2nd or even 3rd opinion about her diagnoisis & treatment. It breaks my heart to think of all the internal stress & turmoil she's dealing with on a daily basis & at such a young age. Good luck! You & your DD & your entire family are in my thoughts, best wishes to you all!!!

 

[cher062]

No, we don't have anyone. Just a pile of anxiety books for parents on my night stand.

You should ask your DD's Dr if there is someone he can recommend or better yet if he can do it. It really helps to have a person instead of a book that can answer questions. You might be doing something you aren't even aware of that could be setting her off before you go. Can't hurt to ask.

 

[LMV]

I truly am sorry that you and your daughter are going through this. If I’m remembering correctly I’m thinking she is quite young [like six or seven perhaps] which probably adds another layer of complexity to this because none of the SSRI drugs that are often used to treat anxiety are approved for use in kids under seven or eight [depending on indication--OCD or Depression not GAD] and there is only one other approved for use in those under twelve [also only has the depression indication]. so I understand any reluctance on the part of a pediatrician or child psychiatrist to prescribe. However, since she is still struggling a lot, I also agree that something needs to change in her treatment plan.

In adults studies have shown good efficacy with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy [similar to SSRI efficacy so a good option if SSRIs are a poor choice for other reasons or as an adjunct to medications]. It can be harder to do skills based therapy with younger kids but there are a lot of child psychiatrists and psychologists who are managing to adapt the techniques to use with young kids often in a parent collaborative fashion. [The therapist works with the child and parent(s) during sessions and then the parents model skills and encourage use at home to reinforce the therapy]. TF-CBT opened up this approach but I think a lot of therapists who have been trained in TF-CBT are reframing and realizing that, yes, they can adapt CBT to work with a younger child.

I don’t intend this to be medical advice [and honestly I learned more about TF-CBT from our experiences with our foster daughter (who has PTSD) than during medical school] but these may be some things to bring up with her pediatrician when you discuss referrals to a different therapist and or child psychiatrist.

Good Luck!

 

[gymdog]

I truly am sorry that you and your daughter are going through this. If I’m remembering correctly I’m thinking she is quite young [like six or seven perhaps] which probably adds another layer of complexity to this because none of the SSRI drugs that are often used to treat anxiety are approved for use in kids under seven or eight [depending on indication--OCD or Depression not GAD] and there is only one other approved for use in those under twelve [also only has the depression indication]. so I understand any reluctance on the part of a pediatrician or child psychiatrist to prescribe. However, since she is still struggling a lot, I also agree that something needs to change in her treatment plan.

Yes, I was going to add that while medication may come into play earlier, I have worked with children who have anxiety as serious as described and I can't think of any that have been on medication designed to treat anxiety that were under 10 (not saying it never happens, just that it seems to very uncommon). Although I think it is still worth talking to the pediatrician about a child psychiatrist.

I am still not sure if the child is school aged or if there has been a plan in place for that, or if anxiety is an issue at school? I think maybe if I remember she might be 4-5 years old. I just think it is possible that avoiding gymnastics is not the issue and to the extent described you may need more comprehensive treatment (possibly neuropsych evaluation, even? Unless you already had this and that is how the GAD was diagnosed. More comprehensive evaluation and intervention would be something to discuss with the pediatrician depending how she proceeds, closer to school age she may be better able to manage). But it is also possible that severe anxiety or meltdowns could be related to something like sensory processing or sensory integration issues. Some children receive more of occupational therapy for similar issues. Have you ever noticed if she reacts relatively poorly to certain stimuli (relatively, because all children and even adults will obviously have some issues from time to time)?

Again, just some possibilities and certainly not intended to be medical advice. I think LMV's advice is great.

 

[Tumblequeensmom]

I am still not sure if the child is school aged or if there has been a plan in place for that, or if anxiety is an issue at school? I think maybe if I remember she might be 4-5 years old. I just think it is possible that avoiding gymnastics is not the issue and to the extent described you may need more comprehensive treatment (possibly neuropsych evaluation, even? Unless you already had this and that is how the GAD was diagnosed. More comprehensive evaluation and intervention would be something to discuss with the pediatrician depending how she proceeds, closer to school age she may be better able to manage). But it is also possible that severe anxiety or meltdowns could be related to something like sensory processing or sensory integration issues. Some children receive more of occupational therapy for similar issues. Have you ever noticed if she reacts relatively poorly to certain stimuli (relatively, because all children and even adults will obviously have some issues from time to time)?

Again, just some possibilities and certainly not intended to be medical advice. I think LMV's advice is great.

Yes, most definitely, the anxiety could be related to some other kind of sensory issue for sure. More reason for a more comprehensive neuro. psych. evaluation!!!

If she is very young, you are right to proceed w/caution re: any type of medication. I do have to say, however, that some of my kids as young as 4th grade have been put on meds. for OCD and/or anxieity with very satisfactory results. I've had a little guy this past year who was so severely anxious he couldn't even sleep at night. His behavior was just outrageous at school as a result of his lack of sleep combined with his anxiety about school work. (without going into too much detail, hs suffered repeated lack of oxygen as an infant and has some pretty severe intellectual disabilities... but socially he is fine, a little immature, but fully aware of things going on around him!) Anyway, his team of doctors prescribed a round of anti-anxiety meds this past spring. It seemed to really allow him to hold things together a bit better.... we'll see how next year goes!!