Parents To narc or not to narc?

[beamer]

So. There are these friends of friends. I do not know them well, only through casual conversation at a couple social events over the years.

Their little daughter (maybe she is 7 or 8) has been competing at my DD's old gym for the past couple years. She is one of those little phenoms: a tiny bundle of muscle, natural ability and competitive attitude. She has been in the top three to five for all-around at states the past couple years. And this is while training at more of a "rec" gym, with roughly half the hours that are considered standard through the levels.

Here are the problems. 1) The gym she is currently at is adequate for compulsory-level gymnastics, but its uber-talented gymnasts tend to fall off the map (podium?) at the optional levels when a combination of factors kick in -- fewer training hours, no pits, not as much equipment, etc. 2) The coaches and parents at old gym create a culture of scaring people away from the better gyms through a variety of tactics. The most common is citing the high number of practice hours it takes for the area's better gyms to have success at meets, even though these training hours (from my Chalkbucket reading!) are fairly standard, country-wide.

I have had experience with this little girl's gym and with our current gym, which is one of two top gyms in our area and a 10-minute longer drive for this family. The coaching at current gym is excellent. The facility is excellent. The gymnastics teams are excellent. There is another really great gym suitable for this kid, but it would be an hour drive for this family.

Should I say something or just wait for her parents to become -- on their own -- more educated about their talented daughter's sport? My experience (at the old gym) is that most parents fall for the scare tactics.

 

[billise]

Personally I would say leave it alone unless the parents ask for your input or unless you know/find out the parents intentions for their DD. the parents MIGHT be influenced by scare tactics or they may just like the flexibility that the current gym gives them, ie maybe the child is involved in other activities and they don't want her training more hours. Maybe, even though the child is super talented, gym isn't her favorite activity so the parents would prefer to keep it more "rec like". Bottom line is there could be any number if reasons they are choosing to keep their DD at the current gym that have nothing to do with scare tactics.

 

[GymGirl's Mom]

If she is that good and really loves it eventually they will consider moving. I would not interfere.

 

[mimi]

I concur about leaving it alone. I have been on the receiving end of it with another gym mom. She has been trying to get me to switch to their gym, citing countless reasons why their gym is better, questioning things about our gym, etc. Even though I know she probably doesn't have bad intentions, I have been a bit put off by it. As a parent, I am capable of making the best decisions for my dd and my family, and the bottom line is every family needs to do what's right for themselves. A gym that works for one gymnast may not work for another. Trust the parent to make the correct decision for his/her child.

 

[MaryA]

As the parent of a former Y gymnast, I find it hard to believe that the parents of a talented young gymnast wouldn't be aware that they have other options. I do know that there is a certain level of "pride" in being able to do as well (or better) with less (less equipment, fewer hours, etc.), but really that only gets you so far before you start wondering WHY your daughter has to get by with less, and what she might be able to accomplish if she had MORE. But even so, while switching to a "better" gym may be the best thing for their daughter's gymnastics career, it still may not be the right choice for their family. I have had parents of my daughter's former Y teammates ask me about her current gym but still decide not to switch, either because of the time commitment or the monetary commitment or both. I think it would be perfectly fine for you to mention how happy you are with your decision to switch to your current gym and to let them know if they ever have any questions about it, you'd be happy to answer them, but I think pushing it further than that isn't really called for. If it is something they are interested in, they will be glad to have a good source of information, and if they're not, they'll let it drop.

 

[iwannacoach]

Send them what you just wrote, and add a coaches perspective........

One of my greatest concerns for kids in this sport is there are gym owners and coaches who try to keep kids in their programs that should move on. The kids I refer to are the talented kids who also have "the dream" as well as the willingness to make sacrifices and work hard to realize that dream. They need to move early, as soon as they are found to have the above attributes, because it takes time with capable, caring coaces in a proper facility to give those dreams a chance.

Please note that I didn't suggest this course to *all* talented kids, just those who have the attributes I've already describes. These are the children who will eventually discover that their dream never had a chance in their current programs. If you ask me, that can be a pretty painful realizatiion...... to know that you did everything asked of you under the supervision of coaches and guidance of parents, but never had a chance.

So what's the harm, and why does a talented, motivated child have to move on, especially if the parents want a rounded and diverse experience for their child that brims a variety of stimulating actvities. I don't think there's inheirent harm in keeping a child in a bare bones gym with coaches who want to keep it simple, but that's if the child has been told they will not be able to make that dream come true by staying at that facility. Keeping a child in a bare bones program isn't far from being told as an adult, in your own professional life, that you're in the right position to have your work product and efforts seen by management, and that being promoted to the position you've worked for is possible....... and worse yet, the joke is on you because you've enriched those who supervise you. So consider this...... How does that make you feel?

Please be truthful with your child and respect them as a fully vested, soon to be, member of the adult world.

 

[IreneKa]

I wouldn't like call them specifically to talk about this, but if you see them at a social even, and start talking about gymnastics, I would sure mention something about other gyms in the area. I know that before I found CB I was clueless about gymnastics. If it wasn't for this board, my DD would still be stuck at xcel at her old gym. Our new gym is only 5 minutes longer commute than the old one, yet up until a few months ago I didn't even know it existed. So, sometimes it's nice to have someone to push you into the right direction. It's not like you are telling them that their daughter is not good enough, so she should quit gymnastics. You are telling them that their daughter is so good, she might benefit from a better training program. And every parent likes to hear that their child is good at something, right?

 

[GymMom67]

I agree about not getting involved. There are two gyms in our area and they are literally just a few blocks from each other. Fees and hours are similar, but the other gym just doesn't get the same results. Not only do they generally finish lower than our gym....our gym finishes at or near the top of the pack and theirs finishes at or near the very bottom. When someone tells me that is where they go, I always think, "But why???" However, it really just isn't any of my business. I will say, though....we have recently gotten quite a few of their athletes, so some parents are really starting to notice on their own.

 

[Iwannabemargo]

How about pointing them to Chalkbucket ? They will soon pick up on the hours that "regular" gyms work plus it will give them the advantage of being in our wonderful community !

 

[Fab5Fam]

From my personal experience, I would suggest you go ahead and say something. Our family was the recipient of a kind, thoughtful, and appropriately timed discussion like this. It was suggested that my daughter had "talent" and showed a certain drive, so we might consider looking at some other training options. When the message was delivered, it was all positive with thoughtful reasons and the person suggested "it doesn't have to be now, but definately in the next year or two." It was kind to hear, but we weren't ready. Fast forward one year, and our gymmie vocalized her desire for "more." We are now at another facility and have fond memories of her early training while she persues her dream with vim and vigor.

They may not be ready for the message now, but it will hang in the back of the mind.

 

[JoyAvenueMom]

Beamer...I so get where you are coming from. My dd's old gym was rec level but did not explain this to parents. Instead, the gym owner took every opportunity to explain why her approach was so much better for every athlete...less competitive, fewer hours = girls stayed in longer. When I asked about the possibility of "college", she was quick to point out AAU offers scholarships to gymnasts (never mentioned they have NOTHING to do with actually DOING gymnastics in college). It was only after I found Chalkbucket that I learned the whole story. My dd is not a phenom, but she has a decent amount of talent and an incredible drive and passion for the sport. She will need nothing less than great coaching..and I wish we had moved a little sooner.

Since we moved, we have had 3 former team mates ask about the new gym. One tried it and loved it..made the switch. Another tried it and hated it. The third mom refused to believe there was any difference. So, I agree that what is good for one, isn't always good for everyone.

There is one young gymmy at the old gym who has incredible talent. I am still confused why her parents haven't moved her...I have heard her mother talk about all the things she has been reading..TOPS, HOPES, etc., so I know she has been doing some research. However; I heard from a mutual acquaintance they feel there is still "plenty of time" to make a switch later. So, I feel no guilt for not "enlightening" her family on the reality of the situation. At their current gym, their gymmy is quite the star. The coaches love to do private lessons with her..just to experiment and see if she can do "x". She seems happy, and is progressing, so Mom feels she should leave her put. I think the coach is doing the child a disservice...but the parent is the one making the choice.

In the situation you mention, I agree it is probably best to stay out of it. Chances are SOMEONE who is closer to that parent has already pointed out the shortcomings of the current gym. If you were close to this family, I would encourage you to say something ( I wish someone would have told me earlier!) However, when people I didn't know dissed my gym, I viewed them as poor ignorant souls who just didn't understand our gym's philosophy.

 

[Muddlethru]

The "friend"ly and seemingly caring thing to do is to say something. It can however be a very delicate subject. I was once in both sides of the same situation. My daughter had a friend that appeared to me to have a lot of talent. Our families were friendly. At a children's party, I casually mentioned it to the mother and suggested she move her kid to a better gymnastics school. She nearly bit my head off and was so quick to say, they are happy where they are. A year later, I heard the daughter no longer was doing gymnastics. The daughter was adopted and they had a biological son. The family was not athletic at all but the adopted daughter just seemed to excel at everything. I did not expect the mother to react that way. Our daughters were in the same soccer team and she seemed sincerely thrilled to find out their adopted daughter was great at soccer. But maybe enough was enough.

On the flip side, when many of our upper level girls started leaving my daughter's former gym, everyone I got in contact with after they left, tried to convince me to leave the gym. While I listened to their stories, I was not ready for the switch. It did not upset me but did make me aware. We eventually moved. But I had to "experience" the problem myself. If I were you, I would broach the subject casually and back off at any sign of disagreement.

 

[happychaos]

Ask yourself whether YOU would want someone to tell you if the situation were reversed. If it were me, I would totally want someone to tell me. There are many ways you can deliver the message to them without seeming as though you are bashing the current gym. I would explain the strengths of each program, and then the limitations. I would then share your feelings about their DD's potential and explain if DD wants to go far in the sport what kind of training she will need. Perhaps they will surprise you and already be educated on the topic. If not, you've at least placed a bug in their ear, and even if they don't switch right away, perhaps they will in the future.

 

[Quadqueen]

DD was at a gym similar to the one you describe, and she recently moved to a more competitive gym. If someone asks why we switched, I give them my specific reasons very willingly. If it's a fellow gym parent from the old gym, I might give more info. But I am not pushy. I figure, I'll give them the information...they can do with it what they will. Some close parents/friends from the old gym have admitted that they know our new gym provides a better chance at long term success, but there are various reasons their DD will stay at the old gym - does other sports/activities, is "too old," is not "very talented." It's also a bit of a lifestyle change. Our new gym is not for everyone. So, I guess if it comes up, I would provide her with some basic information...don't overload her or seem too gung-ho about it unless she asks follow up questions. But I personally wouldn't approach the parent.

 

[beamer]

Thank you for all the thoughtful replies.

My plan was to start a casual conversation about gymnastics if I saw them around somewhere or they asked me a question about our gym switch. I think I would still do this if our paths crossed at any point because, as happychaos and iwannacoach point out, I would really want someone to enlighten me if I were in the same position.

However, a couple years have gone by and there has been no path crossing! So the issue then becomes one of proactivity (do I call/email/send an anonymous note with lettering pulled from magazines ??), which I am not sure I am comfortable with for a variety of reasons. Many of you made some excellent points about why this would be somewhat to very out-of-line.

For the record, I do see these parents as being complacent about taking at face value what this kid's coaches are telling them: it's almost exactly as described in JoyAvenueMom's first paragraph.

 

[GymnastMomX2]

If you aren't close friends with them I wouldn't worry about it. Not really your business.

 

[Quadqueen]

I agree with Oopski...if you never see them and aren't close enough to approach them without it being awkward (and it would be, the way you describe the relationship), I would let it go. Eventually, they'll start to notice that as their DD advances, the other gyms are more successful. If they don't notice, oh well! There's a place for everyone - if they're happy there, so be it.

 

[curlymomof3]

This topic was very well timed for our current situation. Dd's coach recently told me that my daughter is outgrowing their gym and we should look into moving to a different gym next spring. She believes that Dd has some talent and could go far if moved to a better gym. The gym she is currently at is rebuilding their team program after the HC left and took all her optional girls with her a year ago. I am grateful for the coach's honesty but we are now faced with the decision of which gym to choose. There is an amazing gym that is 30 minutes away, recommended by our coach, but would require a huge time commitment from us (I say "us" because it would really be a family commitment at that point). There are also a couple other gyms closer, but their optional programs are just average. But we also have 3 children, including an 11-year old son who is being recruited to play competition baseball, and we never want our other children to feel like their pursuits are not as important as Dd's. We will most likely choose the "average" gym because it is a step up from our current situation but does not require us to sacrifice as much.

 

[SignHere]

Curlymomof3- I felt compelled to comment. If your DDs coach recommended a gym and it was only 30 min drive away - reconsider. Especially if your DD does a tryout and likes it there. I think your coach did you a huge favor by recommending a gym, and it's easy to find a not great gym!

 

[curlymomof3]

Curlymomof3- I felt compelled to comment. If your DDs coach recommended a gym and it was only 30 min drive away - reconsider. Especially if your DD does a tryout and likes it there. I think your coach did you a huge favor by recommending a gym, and it's easy to find a not great gym!

Thank you for the advice! Honestly, I am extremely overwhelmed with my kids' schedules right now. Ds starts football tonight and DH is helping coach. And my other Ds starts soccer in a couple of weeks. Doubling our commute time to gymnastics just to be at a better gym is not at the top of my priority list. The "average" gym I am talking about has gymnasts up to level 10, with a couple receiving college scholarships in the past few years. They only score around 34/35 as Level 10s but they somehow receive scholarships. The other "better" gym is a new gym that has gymnasts scoring in the 37s/38s at Level 8 and quickly gaining level 9s and 10s from other gyms. But to get to these scores requires more hours, more money and possibly pulling Dd out of school early to train at age 9. The coaches have all coached up to Level 10 in other gyms. Trying to decide if it is really worth the sacrifice! Plus the commute time could easily turn into 45 minutes with traffic and snow I'm thinking I will get burned out on this sport before Dd does, LOL!!