Parents Vent to People Who Get It

[lilmisssunshine]

My 7yo son has been doing gymnastics less than a year. He's competing level 4, LOVES gymnastics and has really found his place. His first competition, he came in 2nd AA, with 1st place in two events. The next three competitions, he's come in 1st place AA, and has been steadily increasing the number of events where he comes in first. In the most recent competition, he got first place in all events except one, where he came in third.

Pretty f-in awesome, isn't it? I mean, he's in the youngest age group and there's not a lot of competition at that age (6 kids the past weekend in his group vs 20 or so in the older groups). But still cool.

Still, we have some close family members who, sometimes jokingly and sometimes not, are like, "Well, what about that other event? What went wrong there?"

I want to punch these people in the face.

I thought you all would understand my feelings.

 

[Taurus]

Ask them what they are doing with their life?? Geez- that's just rude- I hope they don't say that around your boy/ congrats to him- he sounds amazing!!!

 

[sce]

Wow, we have never had anyone respond that way about my kids gymnastics. That is nuts! I would just respond with: "Ds is having a lot of fun and working hard in this sport. Any medals he has gotten are a bonus."

 

[profmom]

If you want to engage them, you can explain that it's hard for anyone to excel across six very different events, and that as boys move on, they tend to be stronger in some and weaker on others. The best pommel guys are not very often the best floor/vault workers, for example. You can also tell them that MAG is a long developmental process, and the most important thing early on is for him to get a solid foundation of skills, so you prefer to emphasize skill acquisition and congratulate him for improving himself.

Or you can just ignore it and figure they'll settle down as your son progresses. Every kid has ups and downs in this sport if he sticks around long enough, and very few have a consistent best event throughout their gymnastics career. Hard to imagine now, but when my DS was L4, his best event was floor. HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! And just last season, he was totally rocking pbars while often unable to get credit for one of the base skills on rings . . . soooooo not the case this year! I like Sce's suggestion a lot.

Remember that most people don't have a clue about how gymnastics works. If you post a video of your child doing a nice back handspring or a solid L4 rings routine, they'll expect you to reserve their Olympic tickets now. After all, how hard can it be? He's so cute and so strong, and there really aren't that many guys even doing gymnastics, are there?

 

[skschlag]

I find that when it comes to gymnastics, especially MAG, people have no idea how to respond. You either get that response, or the "WOW! Is he going to the Olympics" comments. I have tended to answer either, "Well he is 6....so he did really well" or " yeah...he's still learning". They will figure it out.

 

[cbifoja]

Totally get it. My dad has been teasing DD because two meets ago she fell on her full turn. Never mind that she connected her series on beam, flipped a vault, and landed her double back. NO.........he's got to focus on her full turn fall. Infuriating and I want to join you in the punching!

 

[NutterButter]

My mother - "It's too bad DGD was off during this meet (because her other out of state grandparents were in town)". It was actually her 2nd highest AA score in that level. Not sure what she saw. But the worst was when she was watching DS play baseball and exclaimed rather loudly "It would be nice if DGS could be on a team that actually wins games." OMG - for that one I wanted to run away and die! It was the first game of a short fall league and I didn't know any of the parents yet. Let's just say that now I'm very selective about where my mom sits during kid activities.

 

[meganliz77]

My FIL is notorious for the after meet questions... So much so, that DD shuts down and doesn't even want to talk to him... And now also avoids going out to supper with him after meets. The kid could come in first in all but one event, and THAT'S what he wants to talk about - that one event...

 

[samsmama]

We get this too -- a few weeks ago, DS placed second all-around at a very tough meet, missing first by a tenth of a point. He was, rightly, thrilled, but a few people still asked what went wrong or why he didn't win. I even heard his coaches comment that he should have held his scale or pointed his toes more.

I tend to just go with a basic, "he did well, I'm really proud of him" under all circumstances.

 

[sce]

We get this too -- a few weeks ago, DS placed second all-around at a very tough meet, missing first by a tenth of a point. He was, rightly, thrilled, but a few people still asked what went wrong or why he didn't win. I even heard his coaches comment that he should have held his scale or pointed his toes more.

I tend to just go with a basic, "he did well, I'm really proud of him" under all circumstances.

I think in this situation it is appropriate for the coaches to make such comment. It nails home how important the little details are, they can be the difference between first and second.

 

[profmom]

I think in this situation it is appropriate for the coaches to make such comment. It nails home how important the little details are, they can be the difference between first and second.

And be even more important going on -- DS has gotten plenty of constructive criticism in the past on what turned out to be first-place routines. His coaches focus on how he's doing with the elements he's trying to improve. But that's different from people who don't know anything about the sport making annoying comments about scores/placements.

I guess better the "why didn't you win" than the person who, any time DH brags about DS's having done well, asks how many other kids he was up against and clearly makes judgments based on his answers. For people who think this is all a big waste of time, meet placements will only be impressive when they can watch them happen on the teevee. Then there's the family member who asks both of mine every time s/he sees them whether they don't REALLY want to quit gymnastics and use their time to do something more worthwhile . . .

 

[samsmama]

I think in this situation it is appropriate for the coaches to make such comment. It nails home how important the little details are, they can be the difference between first and second.

I agree... but not during the medal ceremony! It was a huge accomplishment for DS to come in second at that particular meet and I just wanted him to get to enjoy the moment. The next practice would have been a great time for constructive criticism.

 

[skschlag]

I agree... but not during the medal ceremony! It was a huge accomplishment for DS to come in second at that particular meet and I just wanted him to get to enjoy the moment. The next practice would have been a great time for constructive criticism.

Coaches always be coaching I know it is frustrating, but man, they just can't seem to help themselves!

 

[sce]

I agree... but not during the medal ceremony! It was a huge accomplishment for DS to come in second at that particular meet and I just wanted him to get to enjoy the moment. The next practice would have been a great time for constructive criticism.

Okay, yes that is not the right time for such a comment.

 

[Gymmom826]

My 7yo son has been doing gymnastics less than a year. He's competing level 4, LOVES gymnastics and has really found his place. His first competition, he came in 2nd AA, with 1st place in two events. The next three competitions, he's come in 1st place AA, and has been steadily increasing the number of events where he comes in first. In the most recent competition, he got first place in all events except one, where he came in third.

Pretty f-in awesome, isn't it? I mean, he's in the youngest age group and there's not a lot of competition at that age (6 kids the past weekend in his group vs 20 or so in the older groups). But still cool.

Still, we have some close family members who, sometimes jokingly and sometimes not, are like, "Well, what about that other event? What went wrong there?"

I want to punch these people in the face.

I thought you all would understand my feelings.

I can soooo relate. No family members even go to any meets. They don't even ask how my kid's doing in gymnastics. They couldn't care less. The minute I would try to say something about gymnastics, they have to chime in about so and so's son/daughter or another relative.

 

[cadybearsmommy]

I can soooo relate. No family members even go to any meets. They don't even ask how my kid's doing in gymnastics. They couldn't care less. The minute I would try to say something about gymnastics, they have to chime in about so and so's son/daughter or another relative.

This is us right here for the most part! =( My parents are passed away but my sister has promised to come to meet after meet and in 3 years of DD competing she has yet to show up.
My IL's do come to around one meet a year, which is nice, but MIL makes inappropriate comments about everything and gymnastics is no exception. Her most recent gem is that DD is starting to look "anorexic." Yep my TEN year old really needed to hear that! DD is a good little healthy eater, and she's been getting taller so yes she has slimmed down but she's still in perfectly normal range and has great muscle tone. I really saw red after that comment, luckily my husband made it clear that she was NEVER to say anything like that to DD again.

OP, I understand your frustration. It's bad when we as their parents can focus on the positive aspects of their performance and placements, but other family members cannot? They are children for crying out loud! Maybe part of it is that they simply don't understand how demanding and competitive this sport is. Simply making it to team and being able to compete is an accomplishment in itself. I wouldn't hesitate to politely say to those family members that while you appreciate their support, you really need them to stay positive for the sake of DS and also to realize they they will not win every single meet, and regardless of placement a good solid day deserves praise not criticism.

 

[lilmisssunshine]

Thanks all. One was a comment from my dad, who has a bad habit of saying inappropriate things. Fortunately, it wasn't in front of my kid. Others, though, it's like they're trying to be motivating, saying things like, "Well, if you get all 1st place, you'll have a better chance of getting to the Olympics."

Sadly, DS admitted to me yesterday that he "almost got his goal", which was to get all 1st place.

I think I have a different approach because I know more about the scoring and placement. I've seen how a teammate in the higher age group can technically score higher than my son, yet come in 5th. And I've seen that a slight age regrouping (which they seem to do at some meets based on numbers/ages of attendants) can have a big effect on rankings. His coach has also told me that boys who start in the Future Stars program tend to start falling behind in the rankings at regular meets because they are focused on different routines. He (coach) said that he's focused more on where the boys will be when they're in high school or college, not where they're placing right now.

I also don't think that my son quite gets the scores and the rankings, and how it's possible for his ranking at a particular meet to go up while his score may have been lower than the last meet's. We have a score tracking book, but haven't really gone over things too much.

Finally, when I was a kid, theater was my thing, and it always gutted me when my mom or grandma would make snarky comments about my chances of going far with that. I never want my son to think that I don't think he has a shot at getting 1st place in all events...or even that he doesn't have a shot at the Olympics or something. I've certainly said things like, "The boys at [competitor gym] are really good and you'll have to really be trying your best at the meet" But I also don't want him to think that I'd be disappointed in him if he didn't get 1st. He doesn't need that kind of pressure. There's a part of me going, "His first year is so strong that I worry that his interest might peter out when he meets his first big gymnastics challenge" (which everyone says will eventually come) and "Well, maybe *most* kids go through a slump, but not my kid." (And you can all loudly "I told you so" when I come to complain about him not getting his kip/ROBHBHBHBHBHBHBT/yama-somethingorother for six months or whatever. haha.)

 

[skschlag]

I think the less you can focus on scores or placements and instead focus on skills, it will be better. If he brings up a score or place on an event, you have a skill ready that he did well with. Even make up names (my son loves when I do that.....well, he did at that age. NOw I get the eye roll). But we never focus on place or score. Just on what skill he did, how it looked, what he was proud of. And he can't be proud of X place. In fact, his score went down .2 in meet #2, but he placed and did more skills. So scores and placements mean nothing But you already know that! It is just teaching him that. I wouldn't even show him his score book....unless he asks.

 

[gracyomalley]

Level 4 in our region for boys didn't have placements (although the coaches knew), just grouped the kids in gold/silver/bronze. I think its fantastic your son is doing so well and he should be very proud, but I do think its nice when that level doesn't involve that kind of competition - they learn it soon enough as well as all the frustrations that come with higher level gym and older kids. And shame on relatives making what they probably think are meaningless comments - kids hear it all - there are 2 level 9s who were on DD team and now due to the way various relatives encouraged the natural competition between them as they moved fast up the levels, they struggle to even be around each other at meets and have any kind of friendship...they are on different teams now but the families are friends and both girls are great gymnasts....I sat through many casual but hurtful discussions...

In the end, though, your kids care more about how you react (and the all important coach) than how other relatives do - so stick to "are you having fun, did you enjoy the meet, lets talk about what you feel good about and get some dinner" and ignore the rest!

 

[ZJsMom]

Over competitive relatives are hard to deal with in lots of ways. I feel for you. My mother has yet to be to a meet. When I tell her how DS's competitions go, I say things like he competed this skill for the first time or scored a personal best on this event. She's super type A though and just wants to know where he placed and how many kids were in the age group.

I would really encourage you DS not to focus on placements at all. It's really not something he can control. Maybe at one meet a team shows up with kids who have been training level 4 for three years and workout 20 hours a week. He can't control how others score. Also, gymnastics is a long haul. I can't think of anyone who's been at the top all the time. There are good seasons and bad seasons. If kids aren't prepared to weather the bad ones, they're not going to stick in it till the higher levels. My DS has had firsts and lasts.

I guess you could just say to those relatives, "we don't focus on placements. The important thing is that he does his best and has fun."