Women What to do with DD who doesn't feel like her coach believes in her ability?

[hearts_and_stars]

Have any of you dealt with this? After practice today was the first time DD explicitly told me she doesn't feel like her coach believes in her ability to be a good gymnast and feels like HC is pushing her aside because of it. I don't know this what is really happening (and I'm almost certain if I mentioned it to HC she would tell me that is NOT what is happening), but I don't really know how to respond to DD's concern.

Any advice would be appreciated...

P.S. Her coach is NOT the best communicator...

 

[Iwannabemargo]

how old is she ? what level is she ? How long has she been in gymnastics ?

My daughter has low self-esteem and quiet often she will pass her own doubts off as her coaches. I usually go along the lines of "so prove her wrong" as she is very competitive and sometimes needs to re-focus

 

[munchkin3]

Where is the coach from?

 

[hearts_and_stars]

how old is she ? what level is she ? How long has she been in gymnastics ?

My daughter has low self-esteem and quiet often she will pass her own doubts off as her coaches. I usually go along the lines of "so prove her wrong" as she is very competitive and sometimes needs to re-focus

She is 10, training 7/8, has been competing since she was 7...

She has zero self-esteem issues (usually) so that's why this caught me a bit by surprise...She is by no means the darling of the team (she has a bit of a strong personality and that sometimes puts people off toward her)...I don't know if she is upset at not being the 'team darling' (this has never bothered her before, so I'm thinking this is not the likely culprit)...She is also a bit of a diva and tends to wear her feelings/emotions on her face (again, another thing that puts people off), but this is who she has always been so I don't know that it would just now start bothering her coach...

Where is the coach from?

One coach is from China and the other is from America...she did not specifically state which coach, and both are women so I'm not 100% certain who she is referring to, but she has been working a lot harder for the Chinese coach lately, so I'm thinking that's the one she is referring to...

Today was the first time I heard this statement come from her, so I could be letting my mom mind run wild with how much of a negative impact this could have on her gymnastics, but at the same time, if there is an issue (and not just isolated frustration) I don't want to let it simmer and stew until it DOES become a significant problem...

 

[skschlag]

Not sure if I have much advice here. I know that my ds occassionally has issues with one coach or the other. Most of the time it is one isolated practice, and next practice things are back to normal. It can be that the coach nevvevr believes he is working hard, makes him do more of something than someone else, doesn't let him move on even though he said he could, etc. Usually, I let him vent, and that's that. Today it was asst. coach that kept making him do the same thing over and over. I am sure there was a reason, but to ds, he was doing it to be mean.

I would watch for a pattern. It may have been a rough practice. It could have been that the coach was more focused on someone else for some reason. If it becomes a pattern, or if yo notice something, then I would talk to the coach. One thing I always remind the coach, even if I believe the coach is right and ds is not, is this: It doesn't always matter who is right, but it is the child's perception of the situation that we have to work from.

Good luck!

 

[munchkin3]

Sounds like the coach was riding her a bit? I asked where the coach is from because Americans tend to smile and sugar coat a bit more than foreign coaches.
Our foreign coaches are a bit more cut and dry, and sometimes they can upset the kids by being blunt.
Sorry she is feeling bad. L7/8 things get so much more complicated and psychological....it least it can turn on a dime.....hugs to your very talented young gymnast!

 

[gymdilettante]

I think your job in this situation is to determine whether there is some empirical basis to this or whether it is a miscommunication/misunderstanding...or whether your daughter is projecting her own self doubt onto the coach, as the previous poster suggested, which is sadly common due to the low self esteem of many young girls in western cultures. It is most likely to be one of the latter two scenarios - remember that coaches specially choose the gymnasts for their team and that they want them to succeed. What specific reasons did your daughter provide for why she felt this way? Ask her for specific moments where she got that impression. Then consider whether there are alternate explanations for the coach's behavior. (By the way all you should tell your daughter for now is that the coach specially chose her as team material and wants her to succeed - no point in you encouraging your daughter's insecurities while you're trying to determine how big of an issue this is. ...in the unlikely case it is an issue, you may need to think about whether to switch gyms but in the mean time it is your daughter's interest to as positive a relationship with her coach's as possible).

Also how old is your daughter? The phrase "I feel like my coaches don't believe in me" is very adult sounding. From children I think usually hear "the coaches don't like me." Is it possible she is hearing that from you or another adult? A lot of your daughter's attitude about events in the gym comes from the adults in her life. Eg, if she isn't moved up, the way you frame it will significantly influence your daughter's attitude. I could see an adult telling a child that the coach not moving her up reflected the coach not believing in her (not saying you did. ..just saying it is very adult kind of thought).

Anyway the bottom line is if there really is something pathological about the gym, then you should probably leave but if there isn't, the best thing you can do is to try to change her belief that the coaches don't believe in her and, further, try to help her have the most positive relationship with them that you can.

"So prove your coaches wrong" is also a good response.

 

[Aussie_coach]

There is a very real possibility that this is true. Coaches are humans too and they do have personalities which meld with some kids and not so much with others. While few would admit it every coach will have more patience with some kids than others and more faith in some kids abilities than others. The art of a good coach is to be aware of this and not let it affect how you really coach the kids.

It's also very probable that if you mentioned this to a coach they would not admit to it, they may not even be aware they are doing it.

But this is life and your DD will always have to deal with different types of people. Not too much different to having a teacher or a boss she has to prove herself too.

Why not sit her down and ask her to think like a coach, what behaviours and characteristics would she want to see in her gymnasts if she was a coach? Are the any behaviours and characteristics that she would find off putting? Most kids can identify one or two things they could work on to make themselves more coachable.

 

[LucyTRA]

I've personally been in the situation where I felt that a coach didn't believe in my ability, and I found it tough. I generally just kept working, and she eventually came around to me (and openly says that she didn't believe in me at the time now) but I did make those assumptions as an adult and as a coach myself.

I would encourage her to keep working hard and prove the coach wrong, but as others have said, it could have been a singular bad practice. If it seems to be a long standing thing, you could mention it to the coach, but I'd be careful about doing so as it's likely that the coach doesn't explicitly feel that way or if she did, may not want to admit it!

 

[cbifoja]

My daughter is coached by a coach who doesn't like her. Seriously....has openly admitted that she feels punished when she has to work with my DD. It really sucks and we almost left because of it. In hindsight, I wish I had gone ahead and made the move because the "coaching" DD has received from this coach is either nasty and negative or absolutely non-existent. DD prefers it when coach ignores her but as a paying consumer, I resent that my DD is receiving half the coaching for the same price. But I made the decision to give it one more season so I can hardly complain about it now.

I would at least drop the coach an email to ascertain if there is really a problem or if your DD was just feeling a little picked on that day. If it turns out that she is right and the coach truly doesn't like your DD, watch practice and see if it is affecting how well she coaches your daughter. I don't care if a coach doesn't like a kid as long as he/she is coaching them. But if your DD isn't receiving coaching, then you need to think long and hard about whether or not you will keep her in that environment.

We are barely into our season and I am already kicking myself for not leaving earlier this year when we already had one foot out the door. At this point, because my DD is saying she doesn't want to leave her gym, I'm encouraging other sports and activities to try to transition her away. It just isn't healthy for a child to have to listen to an adult insult her 5 days a week and my mommy guilt is in high drive this season.

 

[hearts_and_stars]

The phrase "I feel like my coaches don't believe in me" is very adult sounding

DD is 10 and her exact words were 'Coach X doesn't think I'm as good as so-and-so (another child who is a few years older than DD but same level) and I don't know why'...

I don't normally stay for practice, so I don't know what exactly took place. This is the first time DD has said anything remotely close to a particular coach not having faith in her abilities as a gymnast. She has mastered all the level 7 skills and has level 8 bars and vault; she is working BT and connecting BHS-BHS on beam and fulls (on the trampoline) and FHS-FLO on floor, so other than just an off day, I can't say she is really struggling with any skills. But....she is the youngest on her team by a couple of years and she was placed on the optionals team solely because she met the coach's requirements to score out of compulsories (those requirements have since changed, though I'm not sure it has anything to do specifically with DD).

I think maybe (and I'm just guessing) that DD is feeling like the head optionals coach does not want to coach her/think she is ready for optionals/doesn't want one so much younger than the others yet? (The optionals group has about 15 girls, DD is 10 and the rest are 13 and up)....Not a good reason as far as I'm concerned since DD is already better than some of the girls who have been on that team for a while (yes, that is the mom in me who thinks my kid is better than the others talking, but her old compulsory coach has said as much to me as well). I don't know if having a 10 year old in a group of teenagers has materially changed the dynamic of the group and the coach is having to readjust at a time (early season) when she doesn't want to. It could be a million things, and of course my mind immediately went to 'this-is-going-to-be-a-crisis'...

 

[cbifoja]

I don't know if having a 10 year old in a group of teenagers has materially changed the dynamic of the group and the coach is having to readjust at a time (early season) when she doesn't want to.

Yes it does. My DD was a 9YO L6/L7 and when she moved to optionals, the HC had a meeting with the older girls and explained that DD was at a different place than they were and they needed to be mindful of their conversation when she was around. I don't know how that went over but I would be totally understanding if some of them resented DD because of it. I know that I get very tired of watching her patronized and babied but I feel like the coach created the environment by making DD's age an issue. I was VERY glad when a couple of other 10YOs moved up to L6 this season so my DD isn't always the baby.

 

[cbifoja]

Also how old is your daughter? The phrase "I feel like my coaches don't believe in me" is very adult sounding.

My DD asks me sometimes if I think that her coach still believes in her. I can see a 10Yo asking that by using that phrase....especially since HC tells DD that "she believes in her". Now I'm not sure how DD would define what HC means but if the OP's daughter's coach is using that kind of language, it's likely her DD parrots it back.

 

[B.Gold]

It's also entirely possible the coach said something to try to motivate or light a fire under your DD and your DD misunderstood the message. But until you have a conversation with her coach you will never actually know.

 

[proud-gym-mom]

Sometimes my dd (10 yo Level 5) will look at a lot of comments/critique and think it's a negative. She will think that if her coach doesn't say as much to another kid then that kid must be doing it better or coach must like them more. In those instances based on who she tells me the other kid is it's pretty much always the opposite of what she is thinking. In those cases I explain to her the more critique you get sometimes means that they actually believe more in you, that you have more potential. 10 is a hard age, I think they are really starting to care about how others see them and what their place is in the world. I think 10 has marked my dd being more sensitive/aware of what others think of her than previously. Not really in a bad way, just different… more sensitive. Could that be the case with yours at all? Maybe why she hasn't said things like this before?

 

[gymgymgymnast08]

I was pretty decent on three events and not so good at the forth event. It was obviously not a secret that I struggled on the forth event relative to the other three.
On that event that I struggled with my assignment would always be easier than everyone else's. The coach would try to pretend that it was because I was a higher level so that my routines took more out of me than everyone else's routines did but face i

 

[gymgymgymnast08]

Sorry I accidentally hit send and then was too late to edit my post.

Anyway I knew my coach didn't believe I could successfully do that fourth event and I was mad that she didn't believe in me so I used that to my advantage and worked especially hard on that event.

I was never a superstar because I was actually pretty terrible at that specific event but I ended up doing the most difficult skills in the gym so I considered that to be a pretty good way of "showing her."

I hope your DD can use that negativity to her advantage! Good luck to her!

 

[gymdilettante]

DD is 10 and her exact words were 'Coach X doesn't think I'm as good as so-and-so (another child who is a few years older than DD but same level) and I don't know why'...

Okay so that is actually a different thing than not believing in her (and also does sound a lot more like a kid although I didn't realize your daughter was 10)...the coach can both believe in her and still think another child is better although ideally the coach is tactful about it (ie doesn't make it known). What did you say back to her? I would encourage a similar approach for this as I would when parents compare their children to other gymnasts....you're there to work on your gymnastics and X is there to work on hers, so try to focus on the reason you're there and not on X bc it's not really your business anyway...plus it will all be sorted out on the gymnastics floor anyway (okay maybe don't add that last part). I'm assuming that the coach isn't purposely inciting conflict by directly comparing them or anything. That would be different.

Based what you've said about her being the youngest by far and everyone having to adjust and the additional info about what your daughter said, I wouldn't be too worried unless it becomes a chronic thing your daughter raises. There will be an adjustment period for this type of situation, possibly some resentment from the older girls and maybe even the coach. Unless there are other concerning things I'd give it some time.

 

[hearts_and_stars]

Thanks, gymdilettante! I have told her to focus only on her gymnastics as worrying about what others are doing is a surefire way to tank her own gymnastics. She is not in the same age group as this other child (there's a little more than 3 year difference between them) so they will never be pitted head to head in a meet. It bothers her when the other girl is always selected to demo skills when DD's are just as good and she has zero attitude in practice (both coaches have said DD throws less attitude than the older girls)....Being 10, she assumed it was because the coach didn't think she was as good as the other girl, though I know mentioning anything to the coach will put me on her dislike list (yes, she has one, and interacts differently with the parents who are on the list than she does with the ones who are not). I'm not sure if DD's comment today has been building over time or if something happened in the gym (I don't usually stay and watch), but she did say practice today was 'good' because they got all events (a rarity!) and she was happy about that.

I sometimes feel like DD is in a really difficult place because she is so much younger than all her teammates...she doesn't think like a teenager, she doesn't have the same school issues, but she has been thrust into this group because her ability dictates that's where she should be. She has never complained about the other girls treating her badly (quite the opposite, in fact...she adores all of them because they dote on her a bit), but it doesn't seem that the coach knows what to do with her....hopefully it will straighten itself out without much damage to DD's self-confidence....

 

[COz]

I would also point out to her that it's hard for the other girls to adjust to having a younger person in their group who is capable of doing the same things that they are. That they like and respect her as a person, but it can be hard sometimes to see someone several years younger doing things that you might be struggling with yourself. Of course we shouldn't compare etc, but they are right there and can see what she is capable of and it's likely that she will be in the same situation sometime in the near future, watching a younger girl doing really well. Explain that of course they are happy that she is doing well too.
Where I'm headed with this, is the demonstration thing.
Younger kids especially sometimes think it's only fair that the best person should always demonstrate a skill and if she's confident it is her, will wonder why she isn't picked.
She's old enough to have it explained to her that not always the best person will get picked and it's also important for the other girls' self esteem to demonstrate.
I had this conversation with a much younger child and all was well after that.