Parents What to do...

[duyetanh]

I don't believe OP can switch gyms...limited options available.
I do not have a crier. I have an "angrier...". This poses it's own set of different challenges....yet with criers and angriers, it is important to help children channel their emotions the right way.

Can I just say it sucks that the coach is not helping channel the emotions properly. I do think it might be a good idea to ask for that minute of composure. Argh. I am so sorry. I think you are going to have to do the legwork at home. Llama video sounds good, and just working on toughing up her shell, so that she isn't so hard on herself, or doesn't take the coach's words to heart and soul...I realize this will take time.

I am so sorry. YUCK.

 

[Deleted member 14190]

CoachP, sounds like you handle this situation well. Sounds like the Coach in the OP kicks kids out for crying and also does not allow the girl to just take the quick break that would probably allow her to get her composure.

OP, maybe suggest that your dd talk wot the coach whens eh is not upset, about needing to just take a quick break when she this that frustration point. That she does not want to cry but it is how her body responds to the overwhelmed feeling.

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it really all depends, we have sad some bratty kids in the past that cried every time they don't get their way, or whenever they have to condition. Dealing with those kids is different and sometimes, yes you kick them out. So sadly, each occasion is different.
The following incidents are crying that we do not tolerate.
1. I cry when I condition. (DO IT)
2. I cry when I don't get my way. (Go sit down)
3. I cry when I don't want to try. (Come back when you are done crying and we are not going home until you try).
4. I cry when a coach gets on me. (too many variables on this one)
5. I cry to get out of something. (your not getting out of anything, come back when you are done crying and we will start all over again)
6. I cry when I don't get a medal, but I don't put any effort into my workouts. (welcome to reality)
7. I cry when I have an rip. (welcome to bars)
8. I cry when adults talk to me for longer than 20 seconds. (I talk to them for 5 seconds)

We do tolerate the following and deal with them accordingly.
1. I cry when I am frustrated. (they are told "it's okay to be frustrated, but crying just making things worse, go get a drink")
2. I cry when I am afraid. (they are told "if crying made you more brave I would make you cry all the time, right"?
3. I cry because I am really injured. (well,,,,, we just hug them).
4. I cry when I work super hard and then I don't hit my routine in competition, (they are asked to stay away from the team until they are ready to cheer for their teammates).

I am sure I left a bunch out, but you get the idea.

 

[raenndrops]

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it really all depends, we have sad some bratty kids in the past that cried every time they don't get their way, or whenever they have to condition. Dealing with those kids is different and sometimes, yes you kick them out. So sadly, each occasion is different.
The following incidents are crying that we do not tolerate.
1. I cry when I condition. (DO IT)
2. I cry when I don't get my way. (Go sit down)
3. I cry when I don't want to try. (Come back when you are done crying and we are not going home until you try).
4. I cry when a coach gets on me. (too many variables on this one)
5. I cry to get out of something. (your not getting out of anything, come back when you are done crying and we will start all over again)
6. I cry when I don't get a medal, but I don't put any effort into my workouts. (welcome to reality)
7. I cry when I have an rip. (welcome to bars)
8. I cry when adults talk to me for longer than 20 seconds. (I talk to them for 5 seconds)

We do tolerate the following and deal with them accordingly.
1. I cry when I am frustrated. (they are told "it's okay to be frustrated, but crying just making things worse, go get a drink")
2. I cry when I am afraid. (they are told "if crying made you more brave I would make you cry all the time, right"?
3. I cry because I am really injured. (well,,,,, we just hug them).
4. I cry when I work super hard and then I don't hit my routine in competition, (they are asked to stay away from the team until they are ready to cheer for their teammates).

I am sure I left a bunch out, but you get the idea.

My OG cried all through her Old L6 season. It was frustration... and injuries... and more frustration. It led to her quitting gym for 4 months.
When she came back, she made it through the 1/2 season and part of the next season without tears.
Frustration set in on beam the meet that the judges could only find 0.9 in deductions (which was GREAT)... but they didn't give her credit for her acro or her jump connection, so she only had a 9.0 SV. Her coach thought she was crying about the score, but once she was calm, she was able to explain that she had worked so hard, she was frustrated about the start value... It didn't even dawn on her until later that, had she gotten the credit for her skills, she would have had a 9.1 (and beam was the only event she never got a 9.0 in at all that season).

 

[needcoffee]

Is a gym change possible at all?

She sounds really frightened of her coach, this is not a good way to be. Gym should be a fun place where she feels safe and trusts her coaches.

 

[MILgymFAM]

A gym change isn't possible. She is really afraid of her coach. We talked about that. I asked her *what* she is afraid of, and she said she's afraid of him kicking her off team or kicking her back to compulsories. I asked *why* she's afraid of him in particular and she said she doesn't know. She asked me if I have ever met someone and just didn't like them, without a concrete reason. I admitted that I had. She said it's like that. She likes him, she thinks he's a really good coach, but she is inexplicably afraid of him. She has never feared a coach before, so I don't know. He *is* incredibly intimidating, I grant her that. I think she's mixing those two fears into one big problem, since what she is afraid of is controlled by who she is afraid of. We had a long talk again this morning about how gym is supposed to be fun (she said gymnastics is still fun, which isn't really what I said), and how she needs to get used to him being her coach and not let him scare her into behaving in a way that she doesn't want to. I told her to try her best and understand that her best has to be good enough, there is no more than your best, and there is no perfect. Everyone messes up and everyone has bad rotations/days/weeks. If he were going to kick girls out for a bad day or something similar he'd have a pretty empty gym. Maybe it's just a lot of change for her at once- she's had a change at her scholarship, is still adjusting to a school change, still adjusting to a move, and has changed level groups twice in the past month or so. Hopefully she just needs to breathe, relax, and believe that she's in the right place and he won't be kicking her out.

 

[Deleted member 14190]

Most of the kids are afraid of me as well, until they get older. I am strict. It is what it is, and I coach the way I coach.

 

[MILgymFAM]

Most of the kids are afraid of me as well, until they get older. I am strict. It is what it is, and I coach the way I coach.

She's fourteen. She has spent more time around ("big, scary") Marines than most people who don't serve. She's not usually arbitrarily frightened by people, which is the weird part. It is what it is. It's not because he is strict though. Her favorite coaches are strict. I'm strict, her father is strict. She actually loves rules.

 

[raenndrops]

Of all the sports I played as a kid through high school and all the coaches I had, I only had one that I was afraid of... and he was a really good coach. I, like your ODD, didn't want to disappoint him.
I eventually realized that it was more so a healthy RESPECT than a true fear. Once I figured that out, it was a little easier.

 

[Deleted member 14190]

She's fourteen. She has spent more time around ("big, scary") Marines than most people who don't serve. She's not usually arbitrarily frightened by people, which is the weird part. It is what it is. It's not because he is strict though. Her favorite coaches are strict. I'm strict, her father is strict. She actually loves rules.

Impossible to speculate, does she like working with him?

 

[munchkin3]

Wow! She is a bit older......when my son was 13, he and his coach just did not mix well.....after one of the many run ins with coach, we ended up in the directors office, where my son built the courage to basically say to the director, in front of coach, that he is a bit of a bully, and that DS just could not find a way to 'click' with this 40 year old man.......

As my son continued to try and please this person, he did a lot of damage to my son.....he is no longer in the industry as I found out later, my son was not the only one.....for every one fantastic gymnast he made, he ruined dozens of others mentally........

Sorry, I'm not trying to sound extreme, just remember, these adults are taking your place simply with the amount of TIME she is spending with him.......make sure your dd is surrounded by good people, especially at 14.

 

[MILgymFAM]

Impossible to speculate, does she like working with him?

I was going to answer with a simple yes or no and realized neither is true. She likes to work with him because he's a good coach and he is teaching her things the other coaches here didn't or couldn't. In her own words, "he will make me a better gymnast and help me get where I want to be". But.. She is so intimidated that she also dreads working with him. I think she's afraid he will end up mad or disappointed every day.

 

[Deleted member 14190]

I was going to answer with a simple yes or no and realized neither is true. She likes to work with him because he's a good coach and he is teaching her things the other coaches here didn't or couldn't. In her own words, "he will make me a better gymnast and help me get where I want to be". But.. She is so intimidated that she also dreads working with him. I think she's afraid he will end up mad or disappointed every day.

+
Well..... Again hard to say, but sometimes the reward is worth the pain.

 

[Faolmor]

I was going to answer with a simple yes or no and realized neither is true. She likes to work with him because he's a good coach and he is teaching her things the other coaches here didn't or couldn't. In her own words, "he will make me a better gymnast and help me get where I want to be". But.. She is so intimidated that she also dreads working with him. I think she's afraid he will end up mad or disappointed every day.

He intimidates her - why? Because she is afraid of letting him down. Sounds like she is more afraid of the fear of letting him down, than being afraid of HIM...which is actually great, because the solution to that is something well within her control.

Maybe ask her to look at it this way - if she is putting in 100% effort, and he has no complaints on that front, because that much is obvious...then whether she hits her skill while learning is simply a war of attrition. Sooner or later, she will get the skill. What is really at stake is the effort SHE and HE feels she has put into trying.

So, if she puts in 100% effort, and he agrees she has put in 100% effort, but she still whacks her feet on the bar - then tears away, I say, and he can look away and give her 5 minutes to compose herself.

Can that be negotiated? It might give her the breathing space to stop panicking about what he will think, and get back to focusing on how to control the issue from her end.

 

[munchkin3]

I was going to answer with a simple yes or no and realized neither is true. She likes to work with him because he's a good coach and he is teaching her things the other coaches here didn't or couldn't. In her own words, "he will make me a better gymnast and help me get where I want to be". But.. She is so intimidated that she also dreads working with him. I think she's afraid he will end up mad or disappointed every day.

Exact reason my son stayed with his coach even after we knew there was a problem......he was a good technical coach......my son used to say 'no, I'm not leaving because he is a great coach'.....I literally had to pul him out once I saw what was happening......it took my son a few months to realize what he had been going through.....some pretty messed up stuff.

It sounds as if there is some negative mental tactics going on inside the gym....you can't change this type of coach. Be VERY vigilant for body language, and demeanor when he is talking to your daughter.....remember that your daughter may not be able to have the perspective to know what is happening.....she just knows she is stressed out and not happy when she has to deal with him?

 

[munchkin3]

This is from the USAG website on motivation.

 

[twinmomma]

I do not have a crier. She does NOT like to be seen crying. But this season has had it's share of tears. This weekend, after a great floor routine, her score went up and baffled everyone. She had been tenthed to death. Beyond. Tears. She pulled it together and cheered for the next teammate up. End of meet - beam, after two weeks of struggles she nailed it. Came down and was so happy she cried.

Her coaches seem to treat things like coachp. Hurt, frustrated, sad, happy tears...all ok. The rest are dealt with appropriately.

They are children. I'd fight anyone who said they were going to make my child less sensitive. Honestly, I'd pull my kid from that, even with no other options. I'd find a cheer team or a dance class or anything so that my child isn't in that situation.

 

[BachFlyer]

This is from the USAG website on motivation.
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