What's wrong with parents watching?

[GymMommy]

Hi. I have a 8 yr old in level 5. She is my only child, and I'm a stay at home mom. So I actually do have the time to watch all of her practices if I want to. My question is this: Why don't coaches like parents watching practice?

I don't try to get her attention during practice. I don't drill the coaches afterword about how she is doing. I watch and I chit-chat with other parents.

If I have errands to run or work to do at home, I will leave her and come back to get her at the end of practice. Sometimes, I use the time I am at the gym to knit or do easy paperwork or read.

But why is it a bad thing if I simply sit and observe? Please be honest.
Thanks!

 

[Geoffrey Taucer]

Hi. I have a 8 yr old in level 5. She is my only child, and I'm a stay at home mom. So I actually do have the time to watch all of her practices if I want to. My question is this: Why don't coaches like parents watching practice?

I don't try to get her attention during practice. I don't drill the coaches afterword about how she is doing. I watch and I chit-chat with other parents.

If I have errands to run or work to do at home, I will leave her and come back to get her at the end of practice. Sometimes, I use the time I am at the gym to knit or do easy paperwork or read.

But why is it a bad thing if I simply sit and observe? Please be honest.
Thanks!

I have several answers to this question.

First off: I think it's not a bad thing, generally speaking, and if your gym were to outright prohibit you from staying to watch, I would look for another gym.

That, said, I can understand why many coaches don't like it and would discourage it. For one, maybe you don't try to get your kid's attention during practice or drill the coaches afterward about how she's doing, but many parents do. From a business perspective, it's much easier and safer to make a blanket statement discouraging parents from staying to watch than it is to single out problem parents, which can cause a lot of drama.

Another reason is that, while you may not be deliberately trying to get your daughter's attention during practice, I guarantee you still have it. Your daughter is aware that you are watching her the whole time and I guarantee she's behaving differently than she would if you were not watching. Whether this difference is positive or negative varies from kid to kid, but the fact remains that just by being there, you ensure that her coaches will not have her complete undivided attention.

All that said, I think it's a good idea for you to watch from time to time; I certainly wouldn't encourage a parent to keep completely aloof and unconnected to the gym; I just think that there are situations where it's beneficial to limit that connection. Whether or not your daughter is such a case, it's impossible for me to say without knowing you and her.

As a coach I generally prefer for the parents not to stay and watch too often, but it's not a major issue.

 

[mariposa]

I don't think it is a bad thing when parents observe if they are doing what you say you are doing.

The problem comes in with parents that are: coaching their kids from the sidelines, getting too involved and coaching their kids at home, comparing their kid to other kids (during practice and at home "Susie, if Mary can do a back handspring, why can't you?"), bad mouthing other kids who are more/less talented than their kid, spreading gym gossip and I am sure some more I missed.

Sadly, bad gym parents can ruin it for those who aren't. Some gyms have a no watch policy because of the drama parents can create. Very sad.

I have done both, stayed for every practice (when she was younger and I couldn't leave her, she is homeschooled and I wasn't used to her staying somewhere for hours), then started leaving only to end up watching again when I had safety issues and questioned how things were going. Then we switched gyms and I stayed to make sure all was well, then stopped going until the economy got bad and we had to stay. I usually don't watch the whole time. I don't follow her to where she goes. If I hear they are doing something fun, I look up for a bit. Usually I am reading or knitting or playing with my 4 year old. Sometimes I talk to other gym moms, but many bug me for the above mentioned reasons and I prefer to avoid the gym drama mamas. LOL. Now I usually just drop her off and come back at the end. If she asks me to stay because she wants to show me a new skill, I will. Honestly, I see more progress when I don't stay and it is nice to be wowed. I enjoy the alone time with my 4 year old, though she just wants to be at the gym playing with her friends.

 

[mariposa]

Another reason is that, while you may not be deliberately trying to get your daughter's attention during practice, I guarantee you still have it. Your daughter is aware that you are watching her the whole time and I guarantee she's behaving differently than she would if you were not watching. Whether this difference is positive or negative varies from kid to kid, but the fact remains that just by being there, you ensure that her coaches will not have her complete undivided attention.

I totally agree with this. I know that my daughter doesn't do it as much as when she was younger, but she does look for me to see if I am watching her, etc. I see some kids where it would be much better if the parent wasn't there watching. They are constantly looking for parent for approval and this definitely can't help their learning process.

I think that watching also creates questions that the parent might ask that they otherwise wouldn't. And this can lead to problems eventually. I don't say anything to my daughter in the car anymore except "Did you have fun at practice?" If she wants to talk, she does, if not, I get an answer and that is that.

 

[GymMommy]

Thanks! You guys make a lot of good points. Although I try not to be "that" parent, I'm sure I've been guilty of some of the things you've mentioned at some point. I've definitely wondered whether she would do better without me there all the time. Perhaps she would be more focused. I've been slowly trying to wean myself from staying, so I guess I'll continue that! Maybe I need a new hobby!

I appreciate the feedback.

 

[gymdog]

Nothing's wrong with it, and I don't like all out bans (no reason for that). That said, unless there are exceptional circumstances, I really don't think parents should sit there and watch the whole time. Whether you realize it or not, it puts a lot of subtle pressure on the kid, ups the already emotional factor, and the kids whose parents watched were always looking over their shoulders. It's too much. There's no reason to watch hour after hour...progress is too slow and it's more likely to contribute to making everyone crazy than anything else.

I actually feel pretty strongly about this because I would have hated having my parents watch constantly when I did gymnastics. I had an emotional enough time as it is. 20 minutes at the end or once in awhile is better for everyone in my opinion. It's like visiting your kid at school or looking at an exciting grade/project versus watching them do every lesson and every sheet of homework. In moderation? Great, shows support and encouragement. Every single thing? I think this is over the top and probably doesn't encourage independence in "safe" places.

I understand people commute (did it for years) to the gym, but even then I think watching constantly should be avoided.

 

[mariposa]

Great reply GymDog, especially your opinion as a former gymnast. It makes a lot of sense.

 

[gymdog]

Also, I was talking from a team standpoint. For preschool classes that are less than an hour long, I think parents should be required to stay, because there is no way an instructor can provide the individual care a child that age might need (i.e. help in the restroom, etc) while supervising the rest of the class.

 

[Deleted member D3987]

Nothing's wrong with it, and I don't like all out bans (no reason for that). That said, unless there are exceptional circumstances, I really don't think parents should sit there and watch the whole time. Whether you realize it or not, it puts a lot of subtle pressure on the kid, ups the already emotional factor, and the kids whose parents watched were always looking over their shoulders. It's too much. There's no reason to watch hour after hour...progress is too slow and it's more likely to contribute to making everyone crazy than anything else.

I actually feel pretty strongly about this because I would have hated having my parents watch constantly when I did gymnastics. I had an emotional enough time as it is. 20 minutes at the end or once in awhile is better for everyone in my opinion. It's like visiting your kid at school or looking at an exciting grade/project versus watching them do every lesson and every sheet of homework. In moderation? Great, shows support and encouragement. Every single thing? I think this is over the top and probably doesn't encourage independence in "safe" places.

I understand people commute (did it for years) to the gym, but even then I think watching constantly should be avoided.

BINGO! and if you take the time to ask your kids and you can get an honest answer, and depending on their age, they don't want ANYONE watching them. not even the coaches.): lol!

 

[Azgymmiemom]

I can't say that I totally agree with everything said here. I can understand the view points, though. I taught ballet and tap for years, and parents need to be able to see that their children are getting their money's worth in instruction, and also that they are safe and being treated well...We travel far to the gym, and frankly, I don't have enough errands to keep me busy outside of the gym for the whole time they are there, lol! So I do watch...quite a bit. My daughter just turned 7, so she is very young. I agree, though, that some kids tend to have that "watch me!" attitude so much that it can hinder the coaches. My daughter is not one of them! I think she mostly forgets that I am even there (we have a viewing room behind glass, so she can't hear anything the parents say and vice-versa) And I love the time at the gym, I chat with the other moms who have become friends...and most of the time, we don't even talk about gymnastics!!

 

[cathiann]

As a parent, not a coach, I think it can drive you crazy if you watch all practices--even if you're not paying close attention, you still notice that she's struggling on this skill or that skill and naturally ask her about it. As our coaches have said--progress can be slow and there are good days and bad days, if you watch constantly, you will have a tougher time seeing the progress made because it's so incremental (until that big "Ah-ha!" moment when they get a big skill).

I would recommend stopping in now and then to watch--if your daughter is okay with that. My own doesn't mind too much if I watch, but most of the team girls prefer their parents NOT stay.

 

[Aussie_coach]

I agree that parents should be able to observe training, it's your child and your money that is paying for training and you need to know your child is safe and you are happy with the practices that are going on. The idea of not being able to observe at all I believe is inappropriate in this day and age. The gym needs to be open with what they are saying and doing with your child.

So I do think its a god idea to stay a few minutes after your drop off, or come a little early to watch at the end. And stay for a full session every now and then.

But to stay and watch every training session, for the full training session is not a healthy idea. If your daughter is a level 5 I am assuming she trains 12-16 hours a week over 4 days a week. That is a huge chunk of her life, and its a huge chunk of yours. Parents who sit and watch this whole time tend to find gymnastics becomes too big a part of their own lives. Their friendships get tied up with gym parents, what happens when their child quits gym? You can take too much of an interest and you can start getting wrapped up in gossip, or find yourself too closely following the other girls progress. many find it turns into their own hobby not just their childs.

 

[MdGymMom01]

Our gym goes over this whole issue in the contract/handbook once they join team. While they do not discourage staying and watching practice, they do stress how important the gymnast/coach relationship is and how trust needs to be built very early in young gymnasts. The gymnast needs to learn very early to trust the coach and not look to mommy or daddy through the window when things aren't going well. The coach is the one that is supposed to deal with meltdowns and frustrations during practice, not parents. At meets, the parents are not supposed to really have any interaction with the kids when they are out on the floor so it is a good habit for the gymnasts to get into to only rely on the coach in these situations. We do have some parents stay and watch for hours, but most parents like me only stay and watch during the last 30 minutes of practice when picking up.